UPDATED FOR 2023. Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader sent the following entry from her journal. “About 2 1/2 months since the sociopath revealed himself for what he was, I’m now assessing how I made myself so vulnerable in the first place,” she wrote. “Shockingly I realize I likely still am… still am as vulnerable… until I do my next needed self-work: truly healing my relationship with myself. Deeply.” The following piece represents a step in her healing.
I was thinking about whether I’d ever be able to reclaim my memories, once sweet, once preciously loving, of the past two years — ever since the sociopath revealed himself for the liar and deceiver that he is via his cruel departure.
I am grateful for his departure, don’t get me wrong. But I am still in the midst of my ongoing process to try to make Meaning and sense. (I have kind of surrendered to the hopelessness of “making sense” of it all. But I will ever strive to find, make, imagine Meaning!!)
I have found a volume of meaning so far. No doubt.
However — a few days ago I was thinking about what made me vulnerable in the first place. What was the “hook” that hooked me so completely, so effectively, so surely from the earliest of moments?
(I have found some journal entries from those very early moments. If I ever thought I didn’t inquire, didn’t challenge my experience, didn’t wonder about the rightness of my next steps — Well I found the proof. I DID do all the questioning I’ve come to expect of myself. I DID do all the challenging of the validity of the experience — not presuming it was True just because it was Good.)
Now
The question: What made me vulnerable? What was the hook that got me (so) hooked?
Read more: How long does it take to recover from a sociopath?
It was those aspects about me that I could not / would not accept (and note to self: still have not accepted) as “acceptable.” The things about me that I KNEW eliminated me from the hope of being truly loved, the things that were wholly unacceptable — these were the juiciest of bait. (Shit. Who was catching whom?? Is the metaphor wrong, or Freudianly perfect?)
- I was becoming quite and utterly convinced that I may not have the ability, the capacity to let someone love me, to trust someone when they claimed to love me, to be able to love someone wholeheartedly. Convinced that I may be so unacceptable that there is no one who could love me.
- I knew that I was inherently unlovable — and the outward picture of that was: my (then) smoking; my housekeeping; my weight. But these were the reasons my logical mind needed as proof in order to say “see, not loveable.” Truth is — this belief exists first. Not the other way around. Note to Self: Come back to this point.
- When he loved me IN SPITE OF — amazingly UNDIMISHED BY… these very things that I hated about myself; when he consistently stated, and effectively convinced me that these things had nothing to do with what he loved about me, that these things did NOT DIMINISH his love for me —
- I suddenly see that it was this that allowed the walls of resistance, of fear and of negation to fall from around my heart. This acceptance allowed me to allow Love IN! I could suddenly for the first time let someone all the way in to Who I AM!! I let him in to the most intimate places in me because he proved to me that I WAS worthy!! To self: Who did I need convincing about!?? Who do I need convincing about today?
- I let him in because he jumped over the hurdles of what I hated about myself. No need to mention that all of this “undiminished love” turned out to be merely the tool, not the truth.
My job now
To remove the currently, unfortunately still potent possibility of being hooked by another sociopath.
To remove these hurdles to ME LOVING MYSELF.
To accept every last ornery cranky nasty grimy part of myself as the whole loving loveable being that I am.
To finally learn what it is to LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. Because it is only this act, this change, that will remove the BAIT from the public square. To remove the possibility of being hooked again. To be able to BELIEVE the next person that offers me love, but not have to hand over my soul in the process!
I don’t know intellectually how I will accomplish this — the resistances in me can even now be heard along the fringes of my thoughts. But my desire for my life, my safety, and my desire to know love again, and truly this time, is strong enough that I think THIS will make it possible. THIS will motivate me to do the work I need to do.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Dec. 15, 2007.
Learn more: Overcoming shame — How to feel worthy of love and respect
Smear campaign set me up as the abusive parent
I know precisely what got me hooked. PRIDE! Don’t they say pride goeth before a fall? So true with me. He came on very smoothly, much too smoothly, in fact. He was too good to be true and I was well aware of it. I thought to myself that I could handle his charm and his bullsh** because I was 100% aware of them. I also thought I was a NICE person and could convince him he didn’t need to put on that sort of act with me. I wanted to find the sweet guy who simply HAD to be lurking beneath that ultra-slick player’s veneer. He even told me himself he’d never been faithful to anyone in his life, but I knew I was different and special and just might be the one woman to change him. That’s when the profound disconnection of my conscious mind kicked in: I knowingly and willingly agreed to play his game, thinking I could beat him at it out of sheer niceness. I’d play along so that he could see that not all women were heartless and thoughtless! I’d nurture him and heal his wounds and he would love me forever just like the puppy from the pound I’d rescued! Why, I was a veritable saint for taking this guy in!
Needless to say, the whole game got out of hand very, very quickly and I found myself reeling in a world of lies I had participated in and perpetuated. I was going to fix his abandonment issues by sticking around even after he moved on to other women! Because that would prove to him that I was the one worth coming back to, of course. And he came back time and again. To each and every one of us. He had a very nice little system going on there, and still does. He sleeps with women, borrows a little bit of money from each of us, convinces us that we might be The One, and keeps doing it until the accounts are overdrawn. I’m pretty sure he was borrowing money from one woman to make miniscule payments to me, so that he could keep me thinking he had good intentions.
Yeah, I know what happened. I submitted willingly and knowingly to his domination, his power trips, and his illness. And I knew better. Pride goeth before a fall indeed. I’m just grateful I didn’t fall even harder.
notquitebroken,
Are you sure you aren’t me? You told my story. I figured I was the one to make the difference. He told me I was the only one who ever believed in him. What a crock! But I too wanted to show him I wasn’t like all the others. Now I know why they all divorced him. He led me to believe that I was the one. I fell for it because I never thought I was deserving of anything. Here this man was getting money from me to take care of his family. Talk about naive. But I had to learn and learn I did. I saw the flags, but I didn’t know they were red flags. They could have been green for go get him. Only he got me or so he thought. I ended up actually being the one who got away. He got money which I got the most of it back, but he didn’t get me.
I saw every last freaking one of those redflags, apt/mgr. They were all shades of crimson and scarlet and they were just so lovely! So decorative! They added a certain ambience, and I was so certain I could deal with it. I think that’s the thing that bothers me the most about all this. I DID THIS TO MYSELF! I was the perfect willing victim and it makes me sick.
Every time I read someone else’s story here, I’m just certain we must all be talking about the exact same guy. It’s downright creepy. He may be physically different, but this is the same evil incarnate our mothers warned us about as children. No such thing as the boogeyman? Oh, I beg to differ.
Pride does go before the fall. There is EXACTLY what happened with me too.
Also, the Yogi’s say “Your own ego will destroy you.”
I always wondered — how?
Now I know. All too well I know how.
Still I call him to say I love you.. Like it makes a difference.
I don’t think it’s pride as much as wanting to be loved as we love. I felt like the most unlovable, middle aged, dumpy housewife and the man made me feel like a woman. Now I see, he just saw an easy target, but because he looked at me like he saw a real woman, I changed. But he didn’t get me. I got me. He just didn’t play his cards right. Oh sure, he used me, but I still got the better end of the deal. He has to live with himself and I don’t. He took my love and folded, stapled it, mutilated it, and threw it back in my face with his actions. So now, my heart no longer races when I see him and my mind is clear. I’ve learned to capture my thoughts before they consume me. I’ve learned about obsessive thinking. I used to think, that I had to keep thinking about him in order to keep in all fresh in my mind. Like if I quit thinking, he would just go away. That was really nutty on my part, but that shows the depths he went to to mess with my everything, only because I was so broken and needy. I’ve learned to process the hurts and actions. If he did it, he owns it and I refuse to take ownership. I find out truth about him, I confront him with it. It’s important for him to know that I know. He no longer pulls the wool. It’s taken me time and lots of soul searching to realize that I don’t need him to make my days. If I’m not happy with myself, how can I expect someone else to provide that? I no longer have expectations of people. I only ever wanted them to do what they said they would. If they don’t keep their word to begin with, it will go downhill after that, and I won’t give them the satisfaction of getting anything over on me. Now I say, anything he can do, I can do better. I’ve learned to think like he does and apply it to him. He doesn’t like it. I say , oh well. How do you like me now? I refuse to relinquish control to anyone anymore, unless I’m incapacitated, then I won’t care.
Like Notquitebroken. I saw all the red flags too, I commented my concern about them, tried to get him to break his cycle of behaviour. I kind of knew I was participating in a dangerous game – its just that I didnt know what the game was in its totality and what all the red flags added up to – what was supposed to be the end result. The very thing he blamed me for, my indignance and my refusal to accept things as set by him – were in the end my saving grace. At times it felt like a struggle between good and evil and I thought I could win through. The only way I won through was by sending him on his way. I knew the relationship wasnt real love but I had settled for someone less than myself, who could provide me with the basics. I sent him a txt once asking him if he was available on ANY level. I used to look at his shoes in the hall and think ‘these shoes can walk out as quickly as they walked in’. His behaviour has taught me alot about the value of my own presence. Why have I squandered my energy on jobs and people who have given me nothing in return. In each of my relationships, I have tried to self correct each time and the men have all been different personalities but each one has never been there for me. I learnt why my father’s unavailability seems so familiar in my ex. I learnt that I was drawn to unavailable men, because that it what I knew. I saw my ex today, and to me he just looked like a loser, but why did I embelish him with so much. I was in two places in myself – in seeing the red flags I was aware but somehow I didnt act firmly enough – that is the bit that frightens me, that somewhere in me I am frozen. People over the years have told me I am too soft. I am learning to strike the right balance.
It has been five years since my ex-husband walked out on me. My relationship with my ex-husband began with flattery in the workplace with a promotion, an increase in salary and a great bonus. He did all the right things to boost my confidence. All of that quickly led to a romantic relationship and he continued the flattery. He was always very supportive and said all the rights things. I am not alone in falling for the flattery – the woman before me was from the workplace as is his current wife.
My experience was a gift, truly a blessing in disguise. I have grown in so many ways and know so much more about myself than I did prior to my relationship with my ex-husband. It was painful but I wouldn’t trade it (nor would I sign up for it again!)
I hear so much pain in the voices on this site. I felt the same kind of pain as I was recovering but now I know that I had to go through the pain to understand what I needed to know.
Peace and happiness to all who still feel the pain.
I, too, am glad it all happened. It showed me my weaknesses and what I needed to do to really guard myself. It allowed me to see the signs before I take too many steps. I have learned that what I thought was, really was. I’ve learned that my gut instinct didn’t let me down. I put my trust in the wrong place. I placed it on a mere human being instead of me. If I’m not strong for me, how can I expect someone else to be that. I end up being controlled and have no say in my own life. I’ve learned not to lose myself in another person. I have mothered my children and I don’t have to mother a man who wants to use me for sex. In fact it’s okay to say no to sex. Contrary to what society tells us, having sex won’t make you a better person, unless it’s for the sake of love. Once the libido slows down, the sex sometimes diminishes and that’s okay. We should have a back up plan. That back up plan is being happy within ourselves and not allowing our emotions to dictate. We are all different and we all approach life in a different way. It’s not right for someone to come into our life and reorder it all. We can’t be everything to one person and shouldn’t expect the same in return. Through all the pain and what seemed like constant disappointment, I’ve grown. I actually thrived on neglect! The man in question hasn’t. He is still like he was 12 years ago. He’s grown old, but not up. He hasn’t learned a thing and he is back out preying on other victims. Pity them. Not me. Or us. We have survived. We went through the dark days of wondering what was happening only to find out that nothing happened. We invested ourselves into a vacuum. The least we can do is pass along what we learned and how we overcame the intense disappointment. But this, too, shall pass. And it really does. No more tears, no more pain. Just a distant memory that doesn’t linger anymore.
Looking back on how the sociopath kept me for so long?
Wow I realize this was a long process.
My parents were divorced when I was 13, both parents after that becoming absent parents. Needless to say I felt abandoned and unloved.
The sociopath bought me gifts. Showered me with effection.
Treated me very lovingly in front of other people.
Of course nobody saw our real marriage. Nobody would believe me if I told them at that time. I was ashamed.
I lost myself in trying harder and harder.
Now, 2 1/2 years after the divorce I have a lot of healing to do.
What finally led me to divorce him? I found out he stole money from our son while he was in the Navy serving in Iraq.
My ex was our sons power of attorney.
My adult children and I need love and support from family and friends.
I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, I have been sober in AA for 25 years. I met my sociopathic ex-husband through a friend from AA. Being in recovery for 25 years has given me plenty of time to accept myself with all my character defects and flaws, and I was beginning to really “like myself” when he came into my life, so I don’t think it was a case of hating myself, I think it was a case of thinking that I had finally arrived, and was going to begin to get some of the good things in life. The very first date, however, I could NOT believe that a man as good looking as he was would ask me out. Now I have to be honest and admit, I have gone out with other good looking guys in my lifetime, but for some reason I never though I lived up to how good looking they were, and somehow or another always sabotaged the relationships. He totally and completely knocked me off of my feet. He was not overly wonderful, just fun to be with, and very good looking. We had a great time, even at our wedding, but shortly afterward was when things changed. I have been away from him for 3 years now, and have seen him occasionally until I found this site, and realized I was dealing with a sociopath, I now have No Contact with him, because how I feel about him, and what he does to me will eventually kill me, and that’s serious business. I loved him because I grew up in a family where everyone screamed at each other, he never screamed, never outwardly criticized me, and now I see it’s because he really just didn’t care, I was a means to an end, and when he found someone better, he was gone, and then he was back, and then he was gone, without a bit of remorse or guilt. I lost EVERYTHING, my home, my job and my money, because although he spoke kindly, he was stealing my money and ruining my life. I don’t think I will ever be right again, but I’m trying. He broke my heart and my kids hearts without batting an eyelash.