By | November 12, 2008 350 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Not one thing about him was real

Editor’s Note: In this post, another Lovefraud reader tells her story of being deceived by a sociopath.

He was an attractive, well built-man for his 47 years. When we met three years ago, I thought he was extremely handsome and charming. He was fun to be around, and seemed to crave the same physical and emotional contact as I did. He said he was not married and that he had just ended a relationship with a woman he had been dating because she was pressuring him to meet his daughters and he was not ready for that kind of intimacy.

Over a short period of time, about four weeks, he talked about his abusive mother, his time in the Navy as a SEAL and a reservist. He suffered from the same kind of distant relationship with his wife as I had with my husband. He said she had mental problems and was very abusive toward him. Our values and standards seemed very similar. A graduate of University of New Mexico, he claimed, he wanted to be a doctor at one point and had done quite well on the entrance exam. He just couldn’t afford it He seemed smart, with a great sense of humor.

He seemed very intuitive and was extremely responsive to me. I had been married for 20 years to a man who didn’t pay attention. I craved this kind of physical and emotional attention. He was loving, affectionate, generous. He loved taking me places and out to dinner (which my ex-husband refused to do). He gave me his time and did so willingly. When we weren’t together we talked for hours on the phone. He was on the road a lot working in sales and seemed to value hard work. He said he had worked three jobs at one point so that his ex-wife could stay at home with their children and so that he could afford the lifestyle they enjoyed (home on a golf course, home on a lake). I envied this as I had always worked full-time at the demand of my husband.

Says he’s in love

We saw each other a few times and within a month he called one evening and told me he was in love with me. It was sweet. He was adorable. On our next meeting, he was so romantic and attentive. At one point he asked me how I felt about people who killed other people. I was stunned but thought it must have something to do with his work as a SEAL. It was like he needed to talk about something and I wished he would just open up to me. That very next day he called me and told me he could not see me anymore because he was in love with me and his intuition from all of his abuse was telling him that he would only get hurt. I was devastated. Had I done or said something wrong? I was in the process of relocating. He knew that, but the distance did not seem unsurmountable. There was no talking to him. He refused my calls and by the end of the week he did speak to me and told me his ex-wife had had some surgery and he was going to move her into his home and was going to take care of her while she recovered. He said she was crazy but he had to do this.

About four months later, I contacted him to let him know I was settled in my new location and my divorce was moving forward. He asked if he could visit me. He missed me and wanted to reconnect. I was so happy and excited. We spent a few weekends together. It was during one of those weekends that he told me he was married and had been all along. That was the first red flag and I should have kicked him to the curb then. We were away on a very romantic weekend in a small cabin in the mountains. His weekend was filled with drama (calls from his wife and daughter). They thought he was on a hunting trip. He told me his intention was to leave his wife within the next two months and that almost everything had been ironed out because they had been separated and close to divorce previously. He had already been looking for an apartment. I asked him about the woman with whom he had a relationship and he said he had an affair with her that lasted a short time and he regretted it almost immediately. He did not love her. He was so lonely and felt so abused by his wife. I was already in love with him. It was that weekend that he told me he could easily be married to me and that he wanted me to meet his daughters.

Little boy demeanor

Mostly, he had this little boy demeanor about him. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he talked about his mother’s physical and emotional abuse. I couldn’t stand to even listen to it. I can’t even watch movies that have anything to do with abusing children. He cried when he told me the story about being tortured as a Navy SEAL. He said his captors hooked electrodes to his testicles and shocked him. He couldn’t stand to listen to the cries of his SEAL partner also being tortured along side him. When the event finally ended and they were rescued he said he had killed his captor. He explained that he believes his testicles are smaller than normal because of this torturous event. He talked about how he wanted to go to Iraq and work for Blackwater consulting. He said he had been offered the opportunity to do so because of his SEAL background. Again, that little boy quality of wanting to just run away from it all. His daughters were very demanding and he talked about some of the problems he had with them over the years. He described his older daughter has lacking a “social filter” and said his younger daughter was bi-polar. They were both adults now but still extremely demanding financially. He seemed like a good father. He could not say no to them.

In the coming months he found he was being relocated to the city where I was living. “It was fate,” as he stated. What a coincidence. We were meant to be together. He felt higher powers were bringing us together. In that time he began talking more about his life as a SEAL and how he was also working part time consulting for the NSA (National Security Agency). He said he was an explosives expert and he had helped the NSA to plan the deaths of terrorists. Little by little he gave me additional information about his “part-time job” as he called it. At one point he told me he had killed seven people. On a trip to Canada, he introduced me to a woman, whose appearance was questionable, who he said had been one of his informants. I now believe she was one of his girlfriends who he frequented in his many travels.

Meeting his daughters

He did relocate. I met his daughters. It was not easy. His oldest, now 24, would call constantly to berate him for leaving her (she was away in college and living with her fiance). She eventually told her father she hated me. On many occasions she appealed to him by saying “She doesn’t like me daddy.” She also told him she was getting married simply because she felt insecure about him leaving her. Subsequently, her marriage lasted five months. He and his daughter had what I would call an emotionally incestuous relationship. They discussed personal and sexual things that I thought were inappropriate. She physically hung on him like a lover and spoke to him as though she had ownership. It was disturbing. His younger daughter was also manipulative but in a different way.

Initially, I tolerated the drama, the emotional outbursts, the bad behavior and much disrespect from his daughters. Each time we would go away together his older daughter would call incessantly and would tell him her disapproval of our relationship. His younger daughter would call and tell him how he should have been with her instead. On one occasion his ex-wife called to tell him she had herpes and got it from using her sister’s towel (so he said). I think that maybe she called to tell him he had given her herpes, but he eventually told me she was lying about all of it simply to try to keep him from having sex with me or anyone. This was normal in his life. I can’t begin to write all of the stories and drama, cancelled trips because of the drama. I chalked it up to his divorce and the trauma of the family separation.

Calls from the NSA

There were many restricted calls on his cell phone at all hours of the night. He insisted that the calls were form a former NSA partner who was in trouble. He cried because he was not able to have contact with this man outside of official business. He decided that he was going to leave the NSA and actually went to Fort Mead one day (so he said) to be debriefed as he left this covert role. He seemed so dedicated to his work. He wore dog tags around his neck. He showed me his Navy SEAL trident pin. He gave my son a SEAL cap and t-shirts. He said he had used aliases and had traveled the world doing this work for the NSA. I asked him how this was possible while working full time and he said that some of his work was done on his own as he did his regular full-time job, but when he traveled for the NSA he just took vacation time here and there. He said his wife didn’t pay much attention and never called him when he was out of town so she never knew. He also talked about how he used a satellite phone so his wife could not see his caller ID when he called home from abroad. That was why he restricted his number on his cell phone.

He left town one day for a nine-hour trip in the car to visit his younger daughter. I spoke to him late in the afternoon and he should have been at his destination but he was not. He started crying and said he had to re-route to visit with some former NSA people. The friend who had reached out to him had been killed. He said, “If the FBI comes knocking on your door or anyone ever tells you I died of a drug overdose, don’t believe it, because I would never do that.” The stories were becoming too bizarre. I wanted to believe him but something did not seem right. The emotional outbursts and crying seemed to always come at a time when I would find later he was not truthful about something.

A few months later his older daughter started to send emails to me telling me that my children were not invited to her wedding. It caused a big argument right before his birthday. I asked him to please handle it; that it was between them. He blamed me. I had rented a house for his daughters and he and I to spend the weekend. He left me at home and went alone.

Uncovering the lies

We did eventually get back together. The next few months I uncovered that he had lied to me about his homes. He had not worked three jobs. His primary home had been given to him by an aunt. He had sold stock, which was given to him by another aunt, as a down payment on his lake home. His mother had given him money for three years after his father’s death. I also uncovered that he had not earned the salary he quoted to me. I suspect that he was embezzling from his mother as she lay dying in a nursing home. As if this was not enough.

Again, he tried to hide the truth through another emotional outburst claiming to be ill and have been throwing up blood. He apologized, bought me an engagement ring and wedding bands. We started building a home together. A month later we had completed selections for our home. He fought with me again, accusing me of sleeping with and dating other men. He disregarded me for two days. I went to his apartment to speak with him, only to find him in bed with a woman 18 years younger than he, who he picked up the night before in a biker bar. I was traumatized. He accused me of cheating and told me I drove him to this behavior.

Never a SEAL

I reached out to people at the POW Network who put me in touch with a former Navy SEAL and author, who assisted me in finding the truth. The truth was this man had served four months in the Navy before being discharged. Not only was he not a SEAL, he never worked for the NSA. No Navy SEAL has ever been a POW. His dog tags were not real, nor was his trident pin or SEAL diving watch. And all the articles of clothing he gave away and wore, could be purchased online. I confronted him with all that I had learned. He insisted that I was wrong. While having this conversation with him I noticed he had a SEAL banner hanging in his apartment. It was new. I asked him why a 50-year old man would hang a SEAL banner above his bed. He had supposedly not been a SEAL for 30 years. Then I asked him if it attracts young girls who adore his service as a SEAL as they sit on top of him in his bed.

Abusing steroids

I found used and unused needles in his apartment and in his trash. It was then that I realized the lies covered up other lies. He was abusing steroids. I tried to appeal to his sister, thinking she may get him some help. She made excuses for him. I did not understand even then what I was dealing with. I blamed myself for a long time. I tried to make sense of it all and to rationalize the bad behavior, the steroid abuse, the lies. Everything was a lure”¦his body, his stories, his lies. I don’t think he is a graduate of the university but I have not been able to verify that.

His testicles were not small from the torture he said he had suffered. They were small because he was suffering the result of steroid abuse. It’s also why he shaved his head (hair loss). At the time he was also being tested for heart, liver and kidney problems and was being treated for high blood pressure. These are all symptom of steroid abuse. This man was physically sick, but also a pathological liar. He then decided to be a bouncer at the biker bar where his new girlfriend worked. She was on welfare with three illegitimate children, had cancer and kept getting kicked out of homes and apartments because she couldn’t pay her bills (according to him). They were also “just friends” according to him, because he never wanted to take care of her or her children. Keep in mind, I have an advanced degree, a beautiful home, a responsible job. I pay my bills and I am an attractive woman for my 47 years. I could not understand any of it.

After the devastation

A year later and I am trying to heal from this devastating fraud. I believe now that he is a sociopath and I was targeted. I also believe that the drama in his life is a result of his sociopathy. I believe his older daughter is also a sociopath and that his younger daughter may be misdiagnosed as bi-polar. I met the worst possible person at the worst possible time. My head was reeling and my heart could not keep up. How did I get so wrapped up in someone like this when clearly all the red flags were there? For a period of time, I dropped my guard and my boundaries. I did it because I was lonely. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I cared deeply for this man, who had been so badly abused. In the process, I allowed him and his badly behaved adult daughters to abuse me too.

A few months ago I heard he had a heart attack. I started searching obituaries thinking that maybe he died. I searched the Internet and found his name and face on the POW Network as a man who has potential to be prosecuted for violating the Stole Valor Act of 2006. There are many men like him on this web page. The people there were extremely helpful to me and they do fantastic work. THIS is his only crime. I had contact with the woman he said he had a short affair with. I found that he met her in the same exact place he met me. He spewed the same lines. He took us to the same places for weekend trips. He told this woman he was in process of a divorce but I don’t believe he had never been separated from his wife. He had an affair with her for a year and a half”¦then one day he called and told her he was getting back together with his wife. And that was the last she heard form him. Cold and heartless, he is gone from her life.

What kind of love is that? She said that he left her often for periods of time but that he always came back. She said he treated her like a princess. She told me that she wanted to die. She lost her job, and had a DUI. The suffering is incredible. The lies are pathological. Their families cover for them. The abuse confuses otherwise emotionally healthy people. They eat away at our souls and take away our innocence and ability to love completely again.

Hit and run

They are a devastating storm that changes lives forever in the aftermath. They hit and run, never to be found guilty or to pay for the devastation, because people like this do not feel empathy and don’t understand the pain they have caused. They don’t have consciences and so they continue the devastation somewhere else. They don’t care and never did. They have become good at imitating the emotions that normal people display and truly feel. Still I try to make sense of something senseless, irrational. There are no answers, even in finding out the truth. I loved this man. I forgave him many times. He projected all his sins on to me. He called me names and verbally abused me. He left me often. He lied and cheated. And for a while, even my friends and family thought me to be the one who was insane”¦because I still loved him and forgave him and I let him back in. Still he walked away blaming me and talking badly about me. I want that loving innocence back again. I despise him, mostly for stealing that away from me.

It can happen to anyone

I have read many books, participated in blogs and message boards, have corresponded with professionals and have had therapy with a wonderful doctor who understands sociopathy and personality disorders. Still there is no logic and there is no closure. It must be found through realizing:

1. I was targeted at a vulnerable time.
2. I was targeted because of the good qualities about me.
3. He is not a good man. He is disordered and will never heal or improve.
4. He did this to others and will continue to do this.
5. My good standards will not be lowered again and I have a zero tolerance for what I have learned is the definition of abuse.

Abuse is not just verbal or physical. It comes in many forms. At a minimum I require respect, honesty, integrity and it must be displayed by way of actions, not words. This man was not able to follow through on anything. His actions were almost never consistent with his words. He is simply a fake, a phony, a con man, who conned me into giving him my heart, my love and almost my mind and soul. Not one thing was real about him, not his body, or his being. I don’t think I will ever forgive him and I certainly will never forget. I have, however, forgiven myself, as I have learned that this can happen to ANYONE. None of us is free from the grasp of the sociopath.

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“Abuse is not just verbal or physical. It comes in many forms.”

This is a theme I try hard to explain to anyone that will listen. Yes, abuse comes in many different shapes and colors. And we need to learn and acknowledge them all.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I too know well of the tears and emotion they show us from time to time. Mostly when we began to awaken from the spell. The heartfelt tears are no more real then they are. So many times my ex P brought me back into the light of hope showing me these “fake” emotional outburst. But when they are ready to move on to the next “victim” they will display cold heartless emotions and only then. Gone is the act of feeling emotions of the kindness sharing person replaced by the real (as real as they can get) person who is cold heartless and knows nothing in the form of empathy. In fact it is this “power over” that give them the most pleasure when they begin to devalue and discard us. When they begin to discredit and degrade us do they feel supreme and all powerful! How do I know because I saw my ex P do this and how powerful she acted sitting on her high horse until the day comes when she again will fall off and then someday be unable to get back on! Reality can be a bitch!

Ox Drover

Dear Suvivor,

Thank you for sharing your story, and you are so right! ANYONE can be fooled, and there are some pretty smart men and women on this site to prove it!

There is nothing “real” about any of them, they ARE THE LIE! They are A LIE. Their pretense causes untold amounts of pain, suffering, and anguish for everyone even remotely connected to them, spouses, children, parents, extended family, lovers, bosses, companies..the list is endless.

Again, thank you for sharing, very well written article.


I have an IQ of over 140 and 7 years of University education, and I lost faith in my own reality and reasoning perceptions.

Being a very rational and analytical person, this good quality was used against me in rationalizing with the sociopath leaving me bewildered and anxious. You should be careful about power struggles. You will not win regardless of your reasoning capability or intelligence.

You can easily spot when the mask falls off. You see the laser beam eyes and you feel as if the room (when they are present) is dark. You sort of get a “dark” feeling when with them, at least I did.

I can relate to everything you said in your post, thank you!


In fact, if you try to use your sound and healthy reasoning capability to convince the sociopath that s(he) is wrong, you will eventually lose. When this happens, you have lost faith in your own reasoning. This is when you become extremely vulnerable to manipulation. You lose your confidence and your integrity, leaving you question your own sanity and feeling that there is something wrong with YOU (although there isn’t).

As Dr. Hare writes; don’t get into a power struggle, you’ll lose more that an argument.


If I showed your article to some of my friends– they would think that I wrote it. THank you for sharing.
You have pointed out how the timing is often right for an S to enter our lives– and that is sooo true with me it is unreal.
Had just found out my biological father–who was An S– had left everything to his daughters of is marriage. And they were already wealthy. I have always been poor and work in a nursing home.
So is it irony that this S came into my life right at this time and that I could tell discern what he was? He took my pain away and made me want to live again– how unhealthy is that– but he knew it–
How ironic that 2 years later– the day his milionaire mom dies– he discards me–Hmmm- sound familiar?
I am grateful for what you have written.

Ox Drover

Dear Akitameg,

My psychopathic father was one of the 400 richest people in america at one time (on the Forbes 400 list) and I worked my way through college cleaning other people’s homes while I took care of my children as well. Poor is not the word! But I determined I would prepare myself to support myself and my kids and I did. I didn’t ask him or my mom for money for my school or my living expenses. I worked and worked hard.
When my P father died last year he left all his money to his one son that is I think a P just like him. He left out deliberately my two other half sibs, but you know, I realized if he had left me 10 million dollars I would have given it all away, I didn’t want his nasty money, nothing that had anything to do with him. I would rather live in a tent and eat out of dumpsters than to take a dime of his money. I’ve been both rich and poor and I know for a fact that money does not bring happiness.

I’ve worked hard all my life, two jobs some times and lots of over time, and I still live frugally, but I am content with what I have, and don’t envy others because of their ‘wealth”—they may have “fancier clothes” or “shinier cars” but i have more than I need, and “stuff” doesn’t make me happy. There was a time when I thought lots of money would make me happy, but I realize that money only buys stuff, not happiness, it can’t even rent happiness. LOL There is no shame in being poor, and no real glory in being “rich”—-and success is how YOU determine it for yourself. My P-son, sits in his prison cell for murderng a girl, and he actually THINKS that he is a ‘success” and we (his brothers and I) are failures. LOL But you know, we are not failures–HE IS.

My other son, C is coming home this weekend, he has been living out of state since his wife tried to kill him and went to jail a year and a half ago. He has essentially nothing except his tools (he is a machinst) his computer and his vehicle and still some debt, and is coming home to stay here with me until he gets back on his feet, but he is a SUCCESS because he realizes what is important in life, and it isn’t more money, and more things.

Pretending to be “somebody” because you have money is a deceiving thing. My P-XBF was raised “poor” and felt “poor” when he was growing up and thought that because other kids had “more” they and their families were “better” than him.

So he worked hard to make money and “be someone” and married a “respectable” woman who was well known in the community. He bought a fancy sports car and had his GFs on the side and thought he was “some body”—but then his wife kicked him out when she actually caught him cheating.

He would talk about the $5,000 diamond he bought for his x wife, and how much their house had cost, and ya da ya da, and he thought this made him a “big shot”—but hyou know, he still felt like a person that was “looked down on” he thought.

I grew up “poor” my step dad was a school teacher and they didn’t make much money, but I never “felt poor” or that others who had finer clothes or bigger cars or bigger hosues were “richer” or “better” than me, they just had more money. So most of my life I have never thought that being rich “made you better than” others, though there was a time when I thought all that stuff you could buy would “make you happy”—now I know it won’t so I just live within my limited “fixed income” since I retired, and I’m happy with what I have. Satisfied, content, and don’t owe a soul a dime. If I can’t afford to pay for it, I don’t buy it.

All these people in the US that bought big fancy houses they couldn’t pay for are losing them and those that have big costly vehicles that they can’t make the payments on, and boats, and other things they bought on credit that they thought would “make them happy” or make “life better” are finding out that they are losing it all and some are literally on the street because they wanted more than they could afford.

Let your father’s other children have their “wealth” and “his money” it won’t buy them happiness, and I bet it didn’t buy him any happiness. Akitameg, don’t let a desire for THINGS make you think that someone who is or pretends to be “rich” is happier because of it. You are obvioiusly to me a very intelligent and caring person, so you are ALREADY RICH in the THINGS THAT COUNT!


Donna – that was so perfectly written.
This hit home:
“There are no answers, even in finding out the truth. I loved this man. I forgave him many times.And for a while, even my friends and family thought me to be the one who was insane”because I still loved him and forgave him and I let him back in.”
and this: “Still there is no logic and there is no closure”.

I cannot yet get over the extent they will go to keep up a charade. Its so extensively devised and followed that it is hard to ever get closure that it wasnt real. My S has always acted as if he loved me deeply but the other side of him was like yours.. full of stories, lies, deception and things that never quite checked out right.

I have given him sooo many chances – including another in the past few weeks after having been DONE and out for 10 months. He and I both seemed equally as exuberant and full of joy to be trying again – to rekindle our love that felt still so strong and close… yet it was already riddled with lies and coverups.. only a couple weeks into it.

I’m grateful I have already stumbled into more lies – because its black and white to me that he is still the same man. But the whole concept of these Sociopathic people just will never cease to bewilder me. The hard part is turning off the 50% of me that is so in love with what he tries to represent. That love, no matter how much I know is based on false appearances.. is deeper for him than anyone I have loved. Guess thats why we are so quick to forgive and then be walked on again.
Even today – I saw him at work – had to speak briefly for business reasons and he talked and looked at me like we were still in love, still on, still the same… AFTER this last weekend his lies and the complete meltdown of our recent efforts brought us to a screeching end!
I had to walk away from him screaming to myself “you cannot love him, you will not love him, he does not love you!!!”.


OxDrover rocks!!!! Thank you soooo very much!!!!!!

Ox Drover

Dear findingmyselfagain,

Is there any way you can reasonably change jobs? I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you to work with and see him, knowing what he is. I can’t even be in the same room with my mother, I can’t imagine how you can cope with “pretending,” in public at least, that you are not devestated. “You’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.”

I’m proud of you! TOWANDA!!!



What you see is yourself in the Mirror he puts in front of you ! You will see that the one you really Love needs to be you ! They are Shells ,empty ,all they feed on Is our WORTH , goodness , our values , everything that makes us Human ! They cannot even hold on to what they seek ! It’s like ash , they want it and Covet it ,but can’t hold it or keep it !

A concience is a warning sign , signal , to keep us safe ! They have none , so they must always be stimulated in the moment ! That is why one person in a anti-relationship is not enough ! LOVE jere


OxD – I wish it were possible but I have reached a good pay level there, I have a mortgage and it would be a real tough job to beat. I have my own office, am very stable and have great job security. I can only hope he moves on eventually. He throws temper tantrums to me about things there periodically – and of course how he could do so much better and how EVERYONE he knows in the industry wants him to come work for them… (right). So one day I’m sure he’ll find a sucker to help him take the leap. He is very successful at his career and makes the company alot of money but I know he is very devious and very silently playing a huge game of chess with every client, boss and employee.

The odd thing is – is the hard part is not be keep falling back in love with him – he puts on the mask of Him that you would be so lucky to be with – and thats why I have to remind myself over and over that he isnt That! I really would rather have the devistated feeling to contend with than the falling back in love and missing him over and over .. at least then I could look at him through disgusted eyes and have no yearning.

Indigo – yes I think you are right.. they do feed on our qualities. I have always felt he was almost drawing energy from my being secure, warm, honest, provided him good meals, clean sheets, cozy weekends, back massages, errands for him done, — yep that was me.. give give give. Like a vampire sucks blood – he would breathe me in and be re-empowered to go back out into the world and do his masterminding.

He did thoughtful things for me too, but I always had an odd feeling that it was to pay me off for what he was doing on the side. It never felt like we were giving for the same purpose. I gave out of love and sharing of myself. He gave so he could feel I was being provided something in place of real love or caring for me. It made his charade look real.


p.s. I’ve missed a few months.. what’s TOWANDA?


They always want to see if you are still under their spell ! Once you know the Anti-relationship is just a game you can play but It’s Best not to ! In your case as you described above. The Game is now in your favor But you have to realize it is only a game !

What I did with my Psycopath because he is dangerous and Violent I had to let him think I still wanted sex with him . NOT ! well I would like the sex I just dont like him! So If I could turn him off like the computer and just have sex with the shell ! But even so He never gave much effort! So Im beter off with the computer :)~

any how I have a big mouth and when I learned what he was I had to go call him and tell him ! Dumb! Retarded on my part ! Then I had to appease the anger of me dumping him by playing the game. LOVE jere


indigoblue-you are so right, it is just a game and they are always testing you. Mine always said that he could tell if his women loved him if he could make them jealous! So he would test them to see if he could make them jealous.

Towanda is a reference from Fried Green Tomatoes.

What stuck out to me from this article is the crocodile tears! It is the strangest thing to see! Every time I wonder if maybe my ex isn’t a sociopath (wishful thinking), I think about those strange tears. Mine could turn them on and off, and the timing never made sense. I like that she said it was usually when he was lying. I wonder if that is true for mine. If it is, then the man lies more then I thought!


it’s really sad, but if another man ever cries to me again, I am so going to run for the hills! lol


Findingmyselfagain, You have the answers to the “falling in love again”. Because he is the lie so is in your words “what he tries to represent” . These “Things”(I think I like the new connotation better than “s”,”p” or whatever, fits good) are masters of using all of our best qualities against us. Including what we are looking for in a significant other. They listen intently and then pretend to be exactly what we are looking for. Probably a good reason so many of us get hooked. You KNOW he is not what he pretends to be, Therfore the love you are fighting against is not for him but for what he fraudulently represents. Remember this next time you feel the need to fight that feeling IT’S NOT FOR HIM. I believe you should know this already. But if you truly did it shouldn’t be that hard or cause you to have to “turn off 50% of yourself”. Find someone or something more deserving of that part of you. BIRD: Don’t go run for the hills if you find a truly sensitive man. But you too have the answer. “the timing never made sense” . The difference between the “Things” and real people is we don’t have to fake it so it “makes sense” . Just got psychological back on my ex and that was one thing the psychologist noticed about her. Was how she would try to show emotions but she didn’t quite get the timing or exact situations right. In other words she tried to fake it. I think when you get them out of the most obvious emotional situations they don’t have a clue how true emotions work.


Indigo – yes, if you begin to look like you are strong and in control of your emotions.. sure as heck they come up with an antic to send you reeling again and put you up for a “test”. I’m sure when I went over to spend last weekend at his new house.. the “other” woman’s items were fully known to be in the bathroom cabinets for me to stumble upon. What a sick mind – like a stalking cat.. just waiting for me to see her tampons, her shampoo, her toothbrush… and we had just gotten off to a good start again (lie) and were so happy to be giving US a chance and feeling the comfort level we have with each other blossoming again. (lie)

I know the right thinking I need to have. Hardlesson – yes you said it – its all a false representation.. I just had to get up out of bed and get back on here to write because I ache so much just trying to comprehend that he doesnt miss me. He doesnt miss that we’d be snuggling tonight and watching tv or making dinner together like we always do. If we arent together, we’d be talking till late on the phone and saying goodnight. Its just a hurt that you have to let time heal I guess. It feels so personal – so rejecting, so slap-you-in-the-face with everything that you thought was special.

What is wrong with a human being that they can be born and function for a lifetime of cold, cruel, heartlessness. I lay in bed aching for him and for our little things we do together.. foot rubs before bed, talking about the day, share a glass of wine… etc.. and he probably has someone over tonight doing all that with her.. “because she is so special to him” right?




I haven’t posted anything on here for a month or so, have still been working to get my money back. It has been an interesting journey…..we do still keep in touch, from a distance, and I bring none of it up. This keeps her off guard, which I found is the key to getting WHAT I WANT for a change. The wheels are turning to make all that happen, and she will soon be the one who is completely shocked by the events that are about to unfold. For those of you that have seen my posts before, I am still writing the book, (although the effort has stalled a bit), I believe part of the intent to write it was for self therapy, and it has helped….I will get back to it soon. The [funny] thing right now is, EVERY time we communicate, I catch at least one lie coming out….and while I can actually anticipate what several of them will be, there is still always one that is hard to imagine making up, especially the ones on the fly. The good thing is, I am quite detached, so it doesn’t deliver the pain it did awhile back…this is all being documented for the book and some other purposes. While reading the things above, I saw someone had mentioned the crocodile tears….having witnessed this get turned on like a faucet more than once, it has taught me who can do that, and is an internal warning sign for the future. I was sucked in by it a few times…but that won’t happen again in ths lifetime. Just another thing that has been learned about the hard way. As soon as a couple of the surprises are unveiled, I will share it with you all….unfortunately, the wrong person could be reading this righ now, and I hate to ruin a good surprise, lol. For those that are in pain, I want you to know it DOES get better….in my case it was a very painful month after the discovery, but it just keeps getting better….with a few bumps in the road of course. Besides working on the book…and if that all goes well, you may see me on Dr. Phil or something, 😉 I spent a fair amount of time doing research, on this subject in general, and also getting background information on the prior relationship, to try to better understand how and what she was doing… I said, it has been interesting. Oh, btw, she is married all of a sudden too, I think a big part of that is to try to disappear, but not sure of the complete motive. I will keep you all posted as things progress. Hang in there, and just take a moment to smile for a couple seconds….that can help, too.



I said that they can’t grasp what they leach from us ! Our Love and Worth as humans ! It’s like ash for them !

I also think that we give them to much credit to. I wonder if the sundries left in the bathroom where not simply forgotten about ? If they can’t hold on to anything else ! That to me makes it all, not make any sence! A lie one 1. is easy to remember, right. But when all they do is Lie how could they possibly hope to remember all of them ?
LOVE jere


justgotburned: She’s married NOW because she’s using the latest victim for a roof over her head and to get what she can get … believe me, her new husband will find out she a user and abuser … in time, just like the rest of us had to find out … the hard way.

As for figuring out something/anything logical to get her to follow through with … I wouldn’t bank on it.

Nothing they do is logical or rationale, cause their greed blinds them from any righteous activities …

Their vices is their ulterior motives for anything they do … and when they do anything … it’s all about them … and who cares who has to pick up the pieces after they move on down the road to their next victim and next victim.

I wish you good luck and God speed. I’m praying for you.



Indigo – well there is even more to the story that creates the whole picture. On Halloween – we were going to spend the weekend together, but he said he had to work for a few hours early on Saturday so he would come up to my place after that. . So Friday night – he called me (early) and we text msgd a bit as usual.
He was going to grab some dinner then to the grocery store then go to bed early. Usually we talk before bed and he didnt answer or call me. Past experience when he tells me he’s real tired and going to bed real early or he suddenly drops from the earth – he is with another woman.
I had a hunch already so drove 45 minutes to his place and at 10pm there was a strange car in the driveway.. long story short-he had taken her to a real nice dinner and lied to me. Blaming it on not sure how serious I was about us being back together. (lie)

So then over the following two weeks he moved to a new house and assured me it was “ours” to enjoy and he loved having me be part of his new home and we would have alot of good times there.. blah blah blah. He was not seeing that woman and it was over. The kicker was that he moved all her items to the new house and carefully were arranged in the bathroom and elsewhere. He lied and said they were his ex-wifes and he just found them in a box. (divorced 8+ years) And would he set out all that stuff – half used by his ex wife in his nicely organized new house? Including her used toothbrush in the drawer next to his? I think not.

He still planned on seeing HERand had her stuff there so she would still know she was the one that was part of his new home and — …its hard to explain but he makes you feel like you are part of his life by having your stuff in and amongst his even tho you dont live there… My stuff used to be but now its hers. Yoga tapes in the livingroom etc..

sorry I rambled.. just getting ready for work and blowing off steam. have a good day all 🙂


dear findingmyselfagain–
Wow== you and I have a lot in common with our ecperience.
Mine too pretended that his new house– that i supposedly helped him pick out– was OUR house.
I am even jobless right now and today I am dog/child sittting. I literally can hardly move or get out of bed. I feel like I am on Nyquil.
Do you– does anyone out there dream fro start to finish about their S? I almost do not want to sleep anymore. Here is the thing–
I had no idea this guy was a fraud. Found out in a matter of mins. SO– is it any wonder that as soon as i close my eyes–I am back at “Our home”– with my “boyfriend”– with the beautiful man that I loved??
I just dreamt I was going thru his emails for “proof”. And my dreams are soo very real.
When will this stop? I miss the man he pretended to be–and now knowing it was all lies- my poor traumatized brain is trying to put it all together.
Wini– you are so smart.
and the crocodile tears? I feel sick knowing that he was always crying just to manipulate me. How stupid was I to hug and love a “manchild” who cried all the time?
and how did his psychologist not pick up on this?
had to vent–
any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
i FEEL HOPELESS AND IF MY LIFE is over. This is not good.


akitameg Please Read this site from start to finish! start where ever you want ! tue 9 sept 2008 OxD FORGIVING YOURSELF For being HUMAN! You Will make It ! You are among those now who know everything that has happened to you ! The only difference is You ! You where a pawn in a game with no rules! You will recover! LOVE jere


findingmyselfagain: I bet you anything … the house is hers (bought with her money as the down payment or bought out right because she sold what she owned before meeting him) and he’s just mooching off of her to live there and weaseled his name on the deed…. because he’s telling her lies to that he loves, loves, loves her … and then in a few months, she too will be blogging on this site … if she’s lucky to find it.

Oh, they always get the new victim to move … have to move so creditors can’t find them … and the law can’t find them … it’s always the moving game with them … can’t stay put in one place too long … people do track them down … and when they know that they can be found … puuuuuuufff their off down the road again conning their next victim and next …




I think when He stands in front of that mirror in the bathroom all he thinks about is him and nothing noda single person or thing or event noda enters his brain but His own reflection


findingmyself: TOWANDA!!!
it’s a battle cry i’ve used that has now become a part of the LF vernacular! lol … it’s from Fried Green Tomatoes when kathy bates’ character ‘finds herself’ and decides not to take any crap from anyone anymore!
it really fits the bill, don’t it though?!


COWABONGA for the mens


Once you realize that literally nothing about them is real, then you are on the right path. It takes time to recalibrate your own mind to the new knowledge. Over 20 years with mine, and now almost five years apart. Sometimes when a memory pops up I still have to talk to myself: “No, that wasn’t real. That was a lie.”

Or remind myself: “When this was occurring and I felt so loved and protected, he was at the same time raping my daughter whenever I wasn’t around.”

And even though they create these personnas and make up these fantastic backgrounds (why do so many of them pretend to be Navy Seals!?!), they still need mirrors each and every day of their lives, or they can’t function. With no functioning long-term vision and no conscience in the present, they must glom onto us “normals” to mirror our emotions, our reactions to things, our actions toward the larger world outside ourselves. Because these are things they simply cannot do.

And it took me awhile to realize this, but the one emotion they can genuinely feel toward others is pathological envy and hatred. Imagine how much they must hate us, deep inside, because we ARE just naturally, and without any effort on our own parts, what they must PRETEND to be. Every day they have to get up in the morning and don a false face, a mask. While they are with us, mirroring us, those masks resemble us.

How miserable and hate-filled they are! They have to pretend complete and utter devotion to their victims, and in reality they despise their victims! Once the mask comes off, once you’ve been devalued and discarded, then you see how much the hatred swells within them.

They are pathetic. May each and every one of them get exactly what they deserve.


Tood great post – I agree with every word you wrote –


LIG remember Kathy Bates in Misery? ouch~~~!!


Who ever wrote that description….you got it right about there is nothing wrong with you. I so related to what you said. I was the top of my class of 600 in high school, got my Master’s with perfect grades. Nothing wrong with my brain, but I went through the same bewilderment you did. And I was in love too. Today it hit me that it is like falling in love with a character in a movie, then meeting the actor, and having trouble remembering that you don’t really know the actor and he is NOT the character he played….even though they look alike and share so many mannerisms. Likewise, I was in love with the character the P played, but not with P himself! I didn’t know the P at all!

Ox Drover

Dear Justabout healed,



OMG, I just read this article. It was deja vu all over again, right down to the woman being my same age. The only difference in my story is that I got out after 2-1/2 months of the same treatment she got. Her story is like the ghost of Christmas future to me. It’s what would have happened if I’d stayed with him. After the initial honeymoon stage in which he doted on me and took me out to dinner, just like the author of the article, it was all drama from that point on. His wife was “ordered by the army to move back into his townhome and take care of him” due to his alleged head injury he received in Iraq. It was one drama after another with the wife he claimed to be about to divorce. It turned out to be all lies. And God only knows what kind of relationship he will have with his young daughter. Oh thank all the powers that be that I got out when I did. Her story more closely resembles mine than anything I’ve read on this site. What a great reminder that I did, in fact, date a SOCIOPATH. I will read this blog any time I start waffling.


Awsome ! I whole heartedly agree ! Thank you!

There is no truth in them ! It’s all about what they cannot posses ,our worth, is unatainable , they covet it and want it BUT can’t hold it so they mirror it back at us to trap us and USE what we know is Worth and Good! Then convince us it is weekness ! And our Fault they cannot atain IT. The Hook The Lie that keeps us intranced in a lie ,an anti-relationship !

What is more frightening is the ones who have learned to avoid a false relationship and move up into the upper management of Non-entity Corporations to use every consumer and every client to the Ultimate extreem!

Or the ones who Prey on revenge for being detected and use the children to destroy the other parent and anyone else that gets in the way! LOVE jere


Star BIG SQUEEEZE I love Star


Wow, this blog has all my bells ringing. I can so relate to what everyone is saying. My IQ is said to be somewhere between 145-160, and I have a background as a therapist. I have studied personality disorders for years. AND STILL I WAS FOOLED. There seems to be a profile for victims that we are intelligent and compassionate, and maybe all at a lonely or vulnerable time in our lives. Again, I’m so grateful that I had the wherewithall to get out early. I pulled away from him a lot after the drama started with the wife and the army. I didn’t see much of him so I had a lot of time to think about all the inconsistencies. Still I had fallen in love with him, and I was devastated when it ended. It was some sort of discard that he never took responsibility for. It’s so weird being part of this “club” of people who got played by a sociopath. I genuinely had feelings for this guy, and even 4-1/2 months after the break up, I watch love scenes in movies and burst into tears, because he was my last lover.


Star I have been with no one since 7 years


I did not have a lot of drama in my life before the S came along. So all the drama in his life raised a big red flag for me. I am generally one who cannot tolerate a lot of “trauma drama” as I call it. So I backed off while he was going through all this stuff with his wife and the army. But the hooks were already in. I was waiting. Waiting for all his issues to get resolved “any day now” so we could be together. It took a few months to realize that something was wrong. The drama never ended.

For the new people here, after we split up, I called the army to turn him in for adultery. I found out from the army that he was faking severe medical symptoms to get out of the army. They believed his wife was in on it too. They told me that his wife had divorced him at one point for his pathological lying but remarried him, presumably so they can scam the army together (but who knows? Maybe she is just under his spell). He told the army he couldn’t drive, could hardly walk, and couldn’t have sex. (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I’m still laughing about that). They knew this but they had no evidence against him. That is, until they heard from me.

The story has a happy ending, barring my PTSD. My friends who met him and I all sent sworn statements to the army busting him on his lies. The last time I heard from the army, he knew his goose was cooked and was threatening suicide. I don’t know whatever happened to him. Maybe he is in prison. Or maybe his threats were successful. I haven’t called to check. I don’t really want to know.


Oh, Indigo, what rotten luck to be alone for 7 years and then get conned by an S. I hope it’s not another 7 years for you before you can trust someone again. I certainly feel like my dating days are over for a while, if not permanently.


Not I was not alone star I thought about him every day just like the rest of us. I cared more about him than i did for my self ! I kept thinking if I only love him enough he will realize the love is real and not a dream BUT It was not going to happen ! He could not get it no matter what I did no mater what I spent no mater what i said no mater where he was no mater how nice I made his room no mater what i cooked no mater what i took care of for him no mater what i would do it was not enough It did’nt mater that i lost all respect of my family and friends it did’nt mater if I spent every penny I had on him it was never going to fill a void that was unfillable. I was boring I was week I would not strike back I would wait till the violence was unberable to call for help even then the authorities where usless and after that I had no one to call I could not call for help they would just laugh . I had asked for my own missery and I got it! no one understands these people they are fictional caracters in movies not real BUT they are real and everyone here is testimoneny that they are real and they do exist and they are out there ruining the lives of everyone they encounter everyone their parents their coworkers the people they call mates they have no relationships that are real it is all makebelieve it is all smoke and mirrors and they get away with it everyday.

Beyond this little stuff of our lives they are doing this to our country and in every corporation you can see it because you have been a victim and know it’s real not make believe or a story or a movie it is real and we are living in there game !LOVE jere


Indigo, here is something to cheer you up: Pictures from last weekend’s reptile expo.


Star now how did you know I was down????


Just a guess. Did you look at all the beautiful snakes, especially the yellow retic? That’s always a pick-me-up for any occasion.


I try not to look because then you know what happens all of a suden the wallet does’nt mater any more or the elect or water or phone or cable or nothing all I want is a new sanke:)~~~~~~~


Indigo, do you see the little yellow retic in the pictures? I wanted to come home with that retic. But I didn’t. Instead, I got some inexpensive yellow wall tiles and tiled my kitchen the color of the snake. LOL

Ox Drover

Dear Indi,

Look, Dude! You get yourself in the right frame of mind or I will have to get the skillet out!

Yes, everything you said is true, but you know, we can’t change that, we can only change ourselves and our reactions to the reality.

It would be nice if we coudl change them, make them see, or change the world, but we can’t, we can only change ourselves and our own way of looking at things.

THAT WE CAN CHANGE. Henry was totally wacko when he came here he was in such pain. I was totally INSANE during all the chaos of my life.

Go back and read my article about forgiving myself. YOu have recommended it to so many other people. So I assign you the “home work” of readingit 10 x. LOL

I don’t just reserve my “love taps” with the skillet for my buddy Henry, I’ll swing that skillet at anyone who gets down in the pits–when you are in the PITS, STOP DIGGING! LOL

Climb out of that pit, fella. Come up to the light. We are all human and we all bash ourselves too much. I didn’t start to really heal until I finally forgave myself. I could forgive them more easily than I could forgive myself for being such a fool over and over. But once I did that, I had the TRUE JOY back in my life again.

And right now I am dancing with the stars because my son C will be home by Saturday night, Good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise! I will have the best thanksgiving day I have had in my lifetime. I am P-FREE and my boys are P-FREE and my X-son and my toxic mom are not here to make our lives miserable any more—my biio father is dead, and my X-P-BF is long gone. If we had to go to a shelter for TG dinner, it would still be the best TG ever! BTW, you live in Florida, go catch you a new snake! Or you can have what the cats didn’t eat of the last water moccosin I killed in my yard! LOL (((hugs)))


2 things, I know I maybe “preaching to the choir” and I know “its easier said than done” But for all of us who are afraid to trust another again and afraid of intimacy because of these things. Haven’t they taken enough from us? They may have taken your savings,house,who knows, trust and everything we held sacred and used it against us. Yes we were “dumb,naive,duped,human” whatever you want to call it. I prefer “human”. But we allowed it, before we knew there were such creatures. Now we know,still “human” But enlightened that such things exist. Personally I feel like I could spot them a mile away now. They took from us when we didn’t know. We can do nothing about that now. But our future is ours not theirs and to deny others of the special qualities that made us such good victims is as much a crime. THIS IS OUR FUTURE NOT THEIRS. PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO TAKE ANYMORE THAN THEY ALREADY HAVE.


Good summation hardlesson: Our pain is caused by our viewpoint from the human aspect of us … not the spiritual aspect of us …

It’s about switching gears from believing and trusting the hype of the human conditioning to knowing what our TRUTH of our spirituality really is … believing and trusting in our creator … going back to our inner source and knowing our Creator …

These lessons in life, no matter how difficult they are in the human realm is nothing compared to our believing and trusting our Lord … it’s all played out in the heavens … it’s just the belief system down on earth is the last frontier, the last saga, last chapter … Do YOU BELIEVE OR DO YOU NOT BELIEVE?

The names and the faces of the players have changed, but what has happened to us has been retold/relived over and over again through history …what team do you want to be on? Do you want your rewards down on earth that will vanish in time and so does your humanly form … or do you want your rewards with our Lord through eternity?

I know, I know, I know … people believe this is a fantasy … a fairy tell … a conditioning … For those of you that believe this concept … MAKE ME A FLOWER! MAKE IT RAIN! MAKE THE SUN SHINE, THE MOON RISE … THE TIDES FLOW! Pick one, any one?



Yes, Indi, Oxy is a good example of the serenity prayer in full action.

She changed what she humanly possibly could change and she asked for the wisdom and serenity for those humanly things she could not change. It was the wisdom she sought, that got her to peace and harmony.

Why butt heads with those that have hidden agendas?

Those hidden agendas (sins/vice) are what clouds their judgments… they want their fifdoms down on earth … not in the heavens.

Now lets do the math … average life span of man/woman … versus infinity?



dear OxDrover
I just read your post and find myself wondering how I will ever get through the upcoming holidays. It’s just so damn easy to only remember the good times from past holidays- I even have started to wonder if what he did was my fault? I was busy with work and never paid much attention to him. Many times I resented him for never asking how he could help and I wonder if I treated him so badly that I drove him to the next woman. It’s been one week. I can’t even believe that I made it through a week- I didn’t think I could make it through the night he took off. But I haven’t been able to even leave the house this week. Is that “normal?” I know all the things that I should be doing- exercising, being with friends- but I just can’t make myself do anything. I’m watching the laundry pile up and the bills sit unpaid and I just can’t force myself to do anything. I keep waiting for something to change so that I will do all the things I should be doing but it’s just not happening. Any suggestions?

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