Editor’s Note: In this post, another Lovefraud reader tells her story of being deceived by a sociopath.
He was an attractive, well built-man for his 47 years. When we met three years ago, I thought he was extremely handsome and charming. He was fun to be around, and seemed to crave the same physical and emotional contact as I did. He said he was not married and that he had just ended a relationship with a woman he had been dating because she was pressuring him to meet his daughters and he was not ready for that kind of intimacy.
Over a short period of time, about four weeks, he talked about his abusive mother, his time in the Navy as a SEAL and a reservist. He suffered from the same kind of distant relationship with his wife as I had with my husband. He said she had mental problems and was very abusive toward him. Our values and standards seemed very similar. A graduate of University of New Mexico, he claimed, he wanted to be a doctor at one point and had done quite well on the entrance exam. He just couldn’t afford it He seemed smart, with a great sense of humor.
He seemed very intuitive and was extremely responsive to me. I had been married for 20 years to a man who didn’t pay attention. I craved this kind of physical and emotional attention. He was loving, affectionate, generous. He loved taking me places and out to dinner (which my ex-husband refused to do). He gave me his time and did so willingly. When we weren’t together we talked for hours on the phone. He was on the road a lot working in sales and seemed to value hard work. He said he had worked three jobs at one point so that his ex-wife could stay at home with their children and so that he could afford the lifestyle they enjoyed (home on a golf course, home on a lake). I envied this as I had always worked full-time at the demand of my husband.
Says he’s in love
We saw each other a few times and within a month he called one evening and told me he was in love with me. It was sweet. He was adorable. On our next meeting, he was so romantic and attentive. At one point he asked me how I felt about people who killed other people. I was stunned but thought it must have something to do with his work as a SEAL. It was like he needed to talk about something and I wished he would just open up to me. That very next day he called me and told me he could not see me anymore because he was in love with me and his intuition from all of his abuse was telling him that he would only get hurt. I was devastated. Had I done or said something wrong? I was in the process of relocating. He knew that, but the distance did not seem unsurmountable. There was no talking to him. He refused my calls and by the end of the week he did speak to me and told me his ex-wife had had some surgery and he was going to move her into his home and was going to take care of her while she recovered. He said she was crazy but he had to do this.
About four months later, I contacted him to let him know I was settled in my new location and my divorce was moving forward. He asked if he could visit me. He missed me and wanted to reconnect. I was so happy and excited. We spent a few weekends together. It was during one of those weekends that he told me he was married and had been all along. That was the first red flag and I should have kicked him to the curb then. We were away on a very romantic weekend in a small cabin in the mountains. His weekend was filled with drama (calls from his wife and daughter). They thought he was on a hunting trip. He told me his intention was to leave his wife within the next two months and that almost everything had been ironed out because they had been separated and close to divorce previously. He had already been looking for an apartment. I asked him about the woman with whom he had a relationship and he said he had an affair with her that lasted a short time and he regretted it almost immediately. He did not love her. He was so lonely and felt so abused by his wife. I was already in love with him. It was that weekend that he told me he could easily be married to me and that he wanted me to meet his daughters.
Little boy demeanor
Mostly, he had this little boy demeanor about him. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he talked about his mother’s physical and emotional abuse. I couldn’t stand to even listen to it. I can’t even watch movies that have anything to do with abusing children. He cried when he told me the story about being tortured as a Navy SEAL. He said his captors hooked electrodes to his testicles and shocked him. He couldn’t stand to listen to the cries of his SEAL partner also being tortured along side him. When the event finally ended and they were rescued he said he had killed his captor. He explained that he believes his testicles are smaller than normal because of this torturous event. He talked about how he wanted to go to Iraq and work for Blackwater consulting. He said he had been offered the opportunity to do so because of his SEAL background. Again, that little boy quality of wanting to just run away from it all. His daughters were very demanding and he talked about some of the problems he had with them over the years. He described his older daughter has lacking a “social filter” and said his younger daughter was bi-polar. They were both adults now but still extremely demanding financially. He seemed like a good father. He could not say no to them.
In the coming months he found he was being relocated to the city where I was living. “It was fate,” as he stated. What a coincidence. We were meant to be together. He felt higher powers were bringing us together. In that time he began talking more about his life as a SEAL and how he was also working part time consulting for the NSA (National Security Agency). He said he was an explosives expert and he had helped the NSA to plan the deaths of terrorists. Little by little he gave me additional information about his “part-time job” as he called it. At one point he told me he had killed seven people. On a trip to Canada, he introduced me to a woman, whose appearance was questionable, who he said had been one of his informants. I now believe she was one of his girlfriends who he frequented in his many travels.
Meeting his daughters
He did relocate. I met his daughters. It was not easy. His oldest, now 24, would call constantly to berate him for leaving her (she was away in college and living with her fiance). She eventually told her father she hated me. On many occasions she appealed to him by saying “She doesn’t like me daddy.” She also told him she was getting married simply because she felt insecure about him leaving her. Subsequently, her marriage lasted five months. He and his daughter had what I would call an emotionally incestuous relationship. They discussed personal and sexual things that I thought were inappropriate. She physically hung on him like a lover and spoke to him as though she had ownership. It was disturbing. His younger daughter was also manipulative but in a different way.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
Initially, I tolerated the drama, the emotional outbursts, the bad behavior and much disrespect from his daughters. Each time we would go away together his older daughter would call incessantly and would tell him her disapproval of our relationship. His younger daughter would call and tell him how he should have been with her instead. On one occasion his ex-wife called to tell him she had herpes and got it from using her sister’s towel (so he said). I think that maybe she called to tell him he had given her herpes, but he eventually told me she was lying about all of it simply to try to keep him from having sex with me or anyone. This was normal in his life. I can’t begin to write all of the stories and drama, cancelled trips because of the drama. I chalked it up to his divorce and the trauma of the family separation.
Calls from the NSA
There were many restricted calls on his cell phone at all hours of the night. He insisted that the calls were form a former NSA partner who was in trouble. He cried because he was not able to have contact with this man outside of official business. He decided that he was going to leave the NSA and actually went to Fort Mead one day (so he said) to be debriefed as he left this covert role. He seemed so dedicated to his work. He wore dog tags around his neck. He showed me his Navy SEAL trident pin. He gave my son a SEAL cap and t-shirts. He said he had used aliases and had traveled the world doing this work for the NSA. I asked him how this was possible while working full time and he said that some of his work was done on his own as he did his regular full-time job, but when he traveled for the NSA he just took vacation time here and there. He said his wife didn’t pay much attention and never called him when he was out of town so she never knew. He also talked about how he used a satellite phone so his wife could not see his caller ID when he called home from abroad. That was why he restricted his number on his cell phone.
He left town one day for a nine-hour trip in the car to visit his younger daughter. I spoke to him late in the afternoon and he should have been at his destination but he was not. He started crying and said he had to re-route to visit with some former NSA people. The friend who had reached out to him had been killed. He said, “If the FBI comes knocking on your door or anyone ever tells you I died of a drug overdose, don’t believe it, because I would never do that.” The stories were becoming too bizarre. I wanted to believe him but something did not seem right. The emotional outbursts and crying seemed to always come at a time when I would find later he was not truthful about something.
A few months later his older daughter started to send emails to me telling me that my children were not invited to her wedding. It caused a big argument right before his birthday. I asked him to please handle it; that it was between them. He blamed me. I had rented a house for his daughters and he and I to spend the weekend. He left me at home and went alone.
Uncovering the lies
We did eventually get back together. The next few months I uncovered that he had lied to me about his homes. He had not worked three jobs. His primary home had been given to him by an aunt. He had sold stock, which was given to him by another aunt, as a down payment on his lake home. His mother had given him money for three years after his father’s death. I also uncovered that he had not earned the salary he quoted to me. I suspect that he was embezzling from his mother as she lay dying in a nursing home. As if this was not enough.
Again, he tried to hide the truth through another emotional outburst claiming to be ill and have been throwing up blood. He apologized, bought me an engagement ring and wedding bands. We started building a home together. A month later we had completed selections for our home. He fought with me again, accusing me of sleeping with and dating other men. He disregarded me for two days. I went to his apartment to speak with him, only to find him in bed with a woman 18 years younger than he, who he picked up the night before in a biker bar. I was traumatized. He accused me of cheating and told me I drove him to this behavior.
Never a SEAL
I reached out to people at the POW Network who put me in touch with a former Navy SEAL and author, who assisted me in finding the truth. The truth was this man had served four months in the Navy before being discharged. Not only was he not a SEAL, he never worked for the NSA. No Navy SEAL has ever been a POW. His dog tags were not real, nor was his trident pin or SEAL diving watch. And all the articles of clothing he gave away and wore, could be purchased online. I confronted him with all that I had learned. He insisted that I was wrong. While having this conversation with him I noticed he had a SEAL banner hanging in his apartment. It was new. I asked him why a 50-year old man would hang a SEAL banner above his bed. He had supposedly not been a SEAL for 30 years. Then I asked him if it attracts young girls who adore his service as a SEAL as they sit on top of him in his bed.
Abusing steroids
I found used and unused needles in his apartment and in his trash. It was then that I realized the lies covered up other lies. He was abusing steroids. I tried to appeal to his sister, thinking she may get him some help. She made excuses for him. I did not understand even then what I was dealing with. I blamed myself for a long time. I tried to make sense of it all and to rationalize the bad behavior, the steroid abuse, the lies. Everything was a lure — his body, his stories, his lies. I don’t think he is a graduate of the university but I have not been able to verify that.
His testicles were not small from the torture he said he had suffered. They were small because he was suffering the result of steroid abuse. It’s also why he shaved his head (hair loss). At the time he was also being tested for heart, liver and kidney problems and was being treated for high blood pressure. These are all symptom of steroid abuse. This man was physically sick, but also a pathological liar. He then decided to be a bouncer at the biker bar where his new girlfriend worked. She was on welfare with three illegitimate children, had cancer and kept getting kicked out of homes and apartments because she couldn’t pay her bills (according to him). They were also “just friends” according to him, because he never wanted to take care of her or her children. Keep in mind, I have an advanced degree, a beautiful home, a responsible job. I pay my bills and I am an attractive woman for my 47 years. I could not understand any of it.
After the devastation
A year later and I am trying to heal from this devastating fraud. I believe now that he is a sociopath and I was targeted. I also believe that the drama in his life is a result of his sociopathy. I believe his older daughter is also a sociopath and that his younger daughter may be misdiagnosed as bipolar. I met the worst possible person at the worst possible time. My head was reeling and my heart could not keep up. How did I get so wrapped up in someone like this when clearly all the red flags were there? For a period of time, I dropped my guard and my boundaries. I did it because I was lonely. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I cared deeply for this man, who had been so badly abused. In the process, I allowed him and his badly behaved adult daughters to abuse me too.
A few months ago I heard he had a heart attack. I started searching obituaries thinking that maybe he died. I searched the Internet and found his name and face on the POW Network as a man who has potential to be prosecuted for violating the Stole Valor Act of 2006. There are many men like him on this web page. The people there were extremely helpful to me and they do fantastic work. THIS is his only crime. I had contact with the woman he said he had a short affair with. I found that he met her in the same exact place he met me. He spewed the same lines. He took us to the same places for weekend trips. He told this woman he was in process of a divorce but I don’t believe he had never been separated from his wife. He had an affair with her for a year and a half — then one day he called and told her he was getting back together with his wife. And that was the last she heard from him. Cold and heartless, he is gone from her life.
What kind of love is that? She said that he left her often for periods of time but that he always came back. She said he treated her like a princess. She told me that she wanted to die. She lost her job, and had a DUI. The suffering is incredible. The lies are pathological. Their families cover for them. The abuse confuses otherwise emotionally healthy people. They eat away at our souls and take away our innocence and ability to love completely again.
Hit and run
They are a devastating storm that changes lives forever in the aftermath. They hit and run, never to be found guilty or to pay for the devastation, because people like this do not feel empathy and don’t understand the pain they have caused. They don’t have consciences and so they continue the devastation somewhere else. They don’t care and never did. They have become good at imitating the emotions that normal people display and truly feel. Still I try to make sense of something senseless, irrational. There are no answers, even in finding out the truth. I loved this man. I forgave him many times. He projected all his sins on to me. He called me names and verbally abused me. He left me often. He lied and cheated. And for a while, even my friends and family thought me to be the one who was insane — because I still loved him and forgave him and I let him back in. Still he walked away blaming me and talking badly about me. I want that loving innocence back again. I despise him, mostly for stealing that away from me.
It can happen to anyone
I have read many books, participated in blogs and message boards, have corresponded with professionals and have had therapy with a wonderful doctor who understands sociopathy and personality disorders. Still there is no logic and there is no closure. It must be found through realizing:
1. I was targeted at a vulnerable time.
2. I was targeted because of the good qualities about me.
3. He is not a good man. He is disordered and will never heal or improve.
4. He did this to others and will continue to do this.
5. My good standards will not be lowered again and I have a zero tolerance for what I have learned is the definition of abuse.
6. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
Abuse is not just verbal or physical. It comes in many forms. At a minimum I require respect, honesty, integrity and it must be displayed by way of actions, not words. This man was not able to follow through on anything. His actions were almost never consistent with his words. He is simply a fake, a phony, a con man, who conned me into giving him my heart, my love and almost my mind and soul. Not one thing was real about him, not his body, or his being. I don’t think I will ever forgive him and I certainly will never forget. I have, however, forgiven myself, as I have learned that this can happen to ANYONE. None of us is free from the grasp of the sociopath.
Learn more — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Nov. 12, 2008.
Announcing the True Lovefraud Stories podcast
Namaste -thanks for you response I think this new years eve will be a time to celebrate I am also looking forward to the xmas holiday this year because he really ruined any holiday joy and spirit the past 3 years. i have had a little relapse with his recent visit after no contact for 8 months. But all in all I am much improved from just 3 or 4 months ago. My X was on the phycotic – physco side – would have these drunken binges and go on these rages and threaten me. I would insit that he move out and he would say he would rock my world if I kicked him out. Wich I did 5 times in a 3 year relationship. I didnt like the way he treated me and I treated him bad as well – I kew if he didnt leave it woul esculate into something very serious. And when he drove off the last time I thot that would be the end but he did show up several times after that wanting too talk and I would not even make eye contact for fear of falling for his pity and lies again. But he finally stopped showinng up and had no way to contact me. So his visit this past week has unnerved me and it was harassment and a way of letting me know he is still around. But I just shut the door in his face – i really think he thought I would beall over him – wrong – in my own warped reality I feel like I love him and always will – but in time this will fade. I do hope his new victim can deal with him – I hope my X has found some kind of peace – i dont wish him bad – he is not all bad or I would not of put up with what I did 3 years. But our relationship started out in a bad way – I was jus a stepping stone and I new he would leave me eventually and hope and prayed it would be soon. So after he left I just had a meltdown was not even prepared for where I have gone with this. But lovefraud has helped and I have found closure – i know I will never see him again ( i hope).. I am 54 had been single 20+ years before he walked into my door late one nite and took over my life. I think one year is a good goal to process everything. I read so many post where others encounters seem horrific as compared to mine. I did not lose my home – just my good credit – and everyday gets better thanks again namaste
Henry, please don’t thank me ~ you’re more than welcome.
The thing is, when a normal relationship ends, you can usually pinpoint its demise to a specific factor (or combination of factors), see it for what it is…. accept there’s no going back…. and move on.
Whatever the reason(s) for the break-up, be it an affair which can’t be forgiven or you’ve both simply grown apart, it’s relatively easy to get closure and any grieving or sense of loss is minimal in comparison to what we have to endure at the end of a relationship with a sociopath, as anything and everything concerning a relationship with them is just so damn complicated and contradictory. For a start, it’s always so ‘on-and-off’. They’ll tell you they don’t want to see you, then turn up again x-amount of time later, as if nothing’s happened, totally oblivious to the pain they put you through when they ended it (a fact they conveniently seem to have forgotten all about).
I believe the ONLY way to end a relationship with one of these dysfunctional creatures is to decide you will end it. Unless you do this, it will just drag on for years and years and years, back and forth, back and forth. Who wants or needs an unstable relationship like that anyway? It’s just not normal.
I’m pleased to hear you have found closure ~ that truly is half the battle, when you finally manage to take off the rose-coloured specs and accept the cold, hard truth of the reality of the situation and the fact the person you loved so much was nothing more than an empty, callous, self-serving FAKE.
Time really is a great healer. It’s hard to see how far you’ve come whist you’re caught in the middle of the maelstrom of emotions you have to go through as part of the healing process. It’s only when you’ve come through the worst of it and can look back to how much progress you’ve made since one month, 3 months, 6 months, a year etc has passed that you can truly appreciate just how far you have come. :o)
This time last year i felt like my soul had literally been destroyed and i felt like an empty shell. Nothing i had previously enjoyed held any pleasure for me any more. I couldn’t even raise a smile when my favourite comedians were on TV. My friends kept inviting me out, but i made excuses so as not to go ~ i simply couldn’t face socialising with dear, close friends who i usually have a blast with. I was afraid i’d end up crying in the corner. I couldn’t even listen to any music (which i’ve always loved and which has always been able to lift my spirits).
Well, i’ve already got the best Christmas present i could ever wish for ~ i have found myself again…. all thanks to my new year’s resolution this time last year.
Here’s to 2009, my friend. ((((HUGS))))
Namaste xx
I talked about escalation of the rage and violence. And henry says we had goodtimes. So true , I liked what you said about not being a bad person . I was going to blog it and was thinking about it as one of those times my psyco tells me or says something off. Psyco tells me He’s not a bad person! AH HA – now who is he talking to? Himself!
I bloged the last incident where he breaks in my house while I am calling 911 waiting for the Sherifs 2nd visit. He was Baker Acted for 72 hours .So guess where he goes when he gets out? Right ! He did not make it 24 hrs before he started it again!
7 yrs. ago when we met , I moved him in with me and time stood still after that! My mother had to tell me how long he had been with me and not paid rent yr 1 . start yr 2 the house I had lived in for 14 yrs. belonged to my folks . He had SCARED my folks so bad my father bought a gun! My father had the house demolished and evicted me. this was also the first attack! my point is they start out kinda normal but not quite! Then the evil seeps outa them like a rotting piece of fruit! LOVE JJ
I only realised my ex was a sociapath after finding this site last week even though I was noticing various things that kept happening. He is at a safe distance from me and can’t really do anything other than annoy me but even then I don’t let him know he is annoying me but I sure am annoying him!
He instant messaged me online last night to ask me why I wasn’t responding to people on the dating site I was on. He couldn’t give me a reason why he wanted to know but the conversation gradually turned around – my fault – to the cheating and the lies I had to put up with over the years. He still swears he never lied to me and that I was too blind to see the truth, that I had preconceived ideas about who he was, and that I have and will never know anyone like him…! Too right, I told him my eyes were wide open now and if I ever did come across someone like him I would turn my back and run! He had the gall to tell me that he left me four times and now I feel I have to berate him because he did this… Four times huh? First I heard! So he left me but continued to see me and phone me at the same time? I have never felt ‘he left’ me. I purposely stopped seeing him as it was always me that had to drive to where he lived, bring the beer and the food or take him out. When I stopped seeing him I stopped calling him – he just didn’t stop calling me. I NEVER call him yet he tells me if I don’t want to talk to him I shouldn’t call… His logic is so warped. During this online conversation I could see how his mind was working to answer me and it was so easy to wind him up! He has only had the internet for two months and isn’t used to it but I already found out he uses a different name and has signed up to various sex sites.
He told me if I didn’t want any contact he would go away. I have changed numbers and blocked him but he rings from numbers I don’t know. I’ve blocked anonymous calls completely now. He got so angry towards the end of our messaging last night that when he had nothing else to pick on me for he started criticising my English – it is my first language!
He has no friends – he was told by someone he recently resumed contact with that he only rings when he wants something to which he took great offence to! His family keep him at arms length also. The flat he lives in is paid for by someone else, I don’t know how he swung that one but the person, probably a woman, doesn’t live there either. He doesn’t have a victim on the go at the moment. The one that was the last straw for me is still around but she has a boyfriend now so this is why he has never stopped contact she was never a sure bet.
So much is making sense now. Things won’t be quite so easy as he gets older, he used to be a good looking man but time hasn’t been kind on him, he will have to be extra charming to hook a woman now and as women get older they are also more cautious – I know I am!
ladybug:
I know exactly what you mean. I got the text after over a week of nothing from him. My thoughts were that he ran into a snag on his exit strategy and needed to regroup. When I think about the fact that he was probably lying on the beach with the OW while I was home in bed barely able to get up, it makes keeping the NC easier!
Learning their Trade ,perfecting their tecnique,fullfilling their Carrer Goal. We don’t even have to think they will ever have a normal relationship ! Think about it! :)~ This is justice enough! My Psyco has no car,no credit, he makes 10.00 an hour, winter in florida landscaping means he is picking up trash! He lives w/people who speak little english! I feel for them! He is back to drinkin and drugin,that means the rap crap music is going to be at full volume! The next conflict w/Law enforcement he will be locked up for falure to pay fines and fees for 2 DUIs. he is so obnoxious with women if he does’nt get what he wants , sex , he has a tempor tantrum. So it will be back to all he has for now at 27 good looks! So the poor gay man who says anything nice to him he will be on it! I feel for that man too! LOVE JJ
Indi, you are right again.
Everyone on this site has to understand that “they” are opposite of what we are.
We didn’t have an ulterior motives for getting involved with them … we just wanted to be in a good and loving relationship with someone who would share our lives with us … good or bad, up or down, health and in sickness, be there for them, and they be there for us.
NOT SO with them … they smiled to our faces, lied through their teeth … and pretended to love or even like us … they were involved with us to get what they could get. Period. No ifs, ands, or butts about this.
Peace to all your hearts and souls while healing from the likes of them.
My ex sn bf was also in the Navy, he told me he served twelve years, and that he was in the Navy guard in Camp David, physical trainer for the Navy, when I got a puppy, he claimed he had been a “dog trainer for the Navy. I kept thinking, this doesn’t sound right, but I never called him on it.
He also claimed that when he worked for the city where he lived, he was so good at what he did, they asked him to be city manager, I looked that up, and found out he was almost fired from his job after only seven months for poor job performance, the reason he did not get fired is because he gave his verbal resignation. This man lied to me from beginning to end.
hi guyz.. just wanted to say again.. I’m alive and well.. better, in fact, than I have been for a long time.
But I’ve also been fraternizing with the enemy. Not deeply, and not often.. but I wonder.. why does it hurt so much less not to be shut out of his life? I don’t believe a word he says or want him back… but I still love him, still like being on the “inside”.. even though he discarded me, I can’t bring myself to discard him.. I feel instead that I’m slowly outgrowing him, it is easier, better, I hope it is ok to do it this way.. the other way is so traumatic.. if only I didn’t have to go to school right near where he works, it would be so much easier to just forget and walk away.
I have to see him, and it’s easier to see him without the emotional pain and shock. This way I just see him, the other way it was like getting hit by a truck every time. Still haven’t seen him with the OW yet though.. god I’m dreading it..I want to tear her face off for some of the stuff she did to me and said to me.
I’ve put off switching colleges for so long to avoid it.. I can’t put it off anymore.. I gotta go the big college now, right in the middle of his territory.
You know it’s funny about the Navy.. guys make up these stories and seem to think the Navy is so cool or something. My daughter was in the Navy for five years, and although she loved her work buddies, she would never date a Navy man because she says they are all “southern mama’s boys with hopelessly red necks” lol.. in other words nice, normal guys without much imagination.