Editor’s Note: In this post, another Lovefraud reader tells her story of being deceived by a sociopath.
He was an attractive, well built-man for his 47 years. When we met three years ago, I thought he was extremely handsome and charming. He was fun to be around, and seemed to crave the same physical and emotional contact as I did. He said he was not married and that he had just ended a relationship with a woman he had been dating because she was pressuring him to meet his daughters and he was not ready for that kind of intimacy.
Over a short period of time, about four weeks, he talked about his abusive mother, his time in the Navy as a SEAL and a reservist. He suffered from the same kind of distant relationship with his wife as I had with my husband. He said she had mental problems and was very abusive toward him. Our values and standards seemed very similar. A graduate of University of New Mexico, he claimed, he wanted to be a doctor at one point and had done quite well on the entrance exam. He just couldn’t afford it He seemed smart, with a great sense of humor.
He seemed very intuitive and was extremely responsive to me. I had been married for 20 years to a man who didn’t pay attention. I craved this kind of physical and emotional attention. He was loving, affectionate, generous. He loved taking me places and out to dinner (which my ex-husband refused to do). He gave me his time and did so willingly. When we weren’t together we talked for hours on the phone. He was on the road a lot working in sales and seemed to value hard work. He said he had worked three jobs at one point so that his ex-wife could stay at home with their children and so that he could afford the lifestyle they enjoyed (home on a golf course, home on a lake). I envied this as I had always worked full-time at the demand of my husband.
Says he’s in love
We saw each other a few times and within a month he called one evening and told me he was in love with me. It was sweet. He was adorable. On our next meeting, he was so romantic and attentive. At one point he asked me how I felt about people who killed other people. I was stunned but thought it must have something to do with his work as a SEAL. It was like he needed to talk about something and I wished he would just open up to me. That very next day he called me and told me he could not see me anymore because he was in love with me and his intuition from all of his abuse was telling him that he would only get hurt. I was devastated. Had I done or said something wrong? I was in the process of relocating. He knew that, but the distance did not seem unsurmountable. There was no talking to him. He refused my calls and by the end of the week he did speak to me and told me his ex-wife had had some surgery and he was going to move her into his home and was going to take care of her while she recovered. He said she was crazy but he had to do this.
About four months later, I contacted him to let him know I was settled in my new location and my divorce was moving forward. He asked if he could visit me. He missed me and wanted to reconnect. I was so happy and excited. We spent a few weekends together. It was during one of those weekends that he told me he was married and had been all along. That was the first red flag and I should have kicked him to the curb then. We were away on a very romantic weekend in a small cabin in the mountains. His weekend was filled with drama (calls from his wife and daughter). They thought he was on a hunting trip. He told me his intention was to leave his wife within the next two months and that almost everything had been ironed out because they had been separated and close to divorce previously. He had already been looking for an apartment. I asked him about the woman with whom he had a relationship and he said he had an affair with her that lasted a short time and he regretted it almost immediately. He did not love her. He was so lonely and felt so abused by his wife. I was already in love with him. It was that weekend that he told me he could easily be married to me and that he wanted me to meet his daughters.
Little boy demeanor
Mostly, he had this little boy demeanor about him. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he talked about his mother’s physical and emotional abuse. I couldn’t stand to even listen to it. I can’t even watch movies that have anything to do with abusing children. He cried when he told me the story about being tortured as a Navy SEAL. He said his captors hooked electrodes to his testicles and shocked him. He couldn’t stand to listen to the cries of his SEAL partner also being tortured along side him. When the event finally ended and they were rescued he said he had killed his captor. He explained that he believes his testicles are smaller than normal because of this torturous event. He talked about how he wanted to go to Iraq and work for Blackwater consulting. He said he had been offered the opportunity to do so because of his SEAL background. Again, that little boy quality of wanting to just run away from it all. His daughters were very demanding and he talked about some of the problems he had with them over the years. He described his older daughter has lacking a “social filter” and said his younger daughter was bi-polar. They were both adults now but still extremely demanding financially. He seemed like a good father. He could not say no to them.
In the coming months he found he was being relocated to the city where I was living. “It was fate,” as he stated. What a coincidence. We were meant to be together. He felt higher powers were bringing us together. In that time he began talking more about his life as a SEAL and how he was also working part time consulting for the NSA (National Security Agency). He said he was an explosives expert and he had helped the NSA to plan the deaths of terrorists. Little by little he gave me additional information about his “part-time job” as he called it. At one point he told me he had killed seven people. On a trip to Canada, he introduced me to a woman, whose appearance was questionable, who he said had been one of his informants. I now believe she was one of his girlfriends who he frequented in his many travels.
Meeting his daughters
He did relocate. I met his daughters. It was not easy. His oldest, now 24, would call constantly to berate him for leaving her (she was away in college and living with her fiance). She eventually told her father she hated me. On many occasions she appealed to him by saying “She doesn’t like me daddy.” She also told him she was getting married simply because she felt insecure about him leaving her. Subsequently, her marriage lasted five months. He and his daughter had what I would call an emotionally incestuous relationship. They discussed personal and sexual things that I thought were inappropriate. She physically hung on him like a lover and spoke to him as though she had ownership. It was disturbing. His younger daughter was also manipulative but in a different way.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
Initially, I tolerated the drama, the emotional outbursts, the bad behavior and much disrespect from his daughters. Each time we would go away together his older daughter would call incessantly and would tell him her disapproval of our relationship. His younger daughter would call and tell him how he should have been with her instead. On one occasion his ex-wife called to tell him she had herpes and got it from using her sister’s towel (so he said). I think that maybe she called to tell him he had given her herpes, but he eventually told me she was lying about all of it simply to try to keep him from having sex with me or anyone. This was normal in his life. I can’t begin to write all of the stories and drama, cancelled trips because of the drama. I chalked it up to his divorce and the trauma of the family separation.
Calls from the NSA
There were many restricted calls on his cell phone at all hours of the night. He insisted that the calls were form a former NSA partner who was in trouble. He cried because he was not able to have contact with this man outside of official business. He decided that he was going to leave the NSA and actually went to Fort Mead one day (so he said) to be debriefed as he left this covert role. He seemed so dedicated to his work. He wore dog tags around his neck. He showed me his Navy SEAL trident pin. He gave my son a SEAL cap and t-shirts. He said he had used aliases and had traveled the world doing this work for the NSA. I asked him how this was possible while working full time and he said that some of his work was done on his own as he did his regular full-time job, but when he traveled for the NSA he just took vacation time here and there. He said his wife didn’t pay much attention and never called him when he was out of town so she never knew. He also talked about how he used a satellite phone so his wife could not see his caller ID when he called home from abroad. That was why he restricted his number on his cell phone.
He left town one day for a nine-hour trip in the car to visit his younger daughter. I spoke to him late in the afternoon and he should have been at his destination but he was not. He started crying and said he had to re-route to visit with some former NSA people. The friend who had reached out to him had been killed. He said, “If the FBI comes knocking on your door or anyone ever tells you I died of a drug overdose, don’t believe it, because I would never do that.” The stories were becoming too bizarre. I wanted to believe him but something did not seem right. The emotional outbursts and crying seemed to always come at a time when I would find later he was not truthful about something.
A few months later his older daughter started to send emails to me telling me that my children were not invited to her wedding. It caused a big argument right before his birthday. I asked him to please handle it; that it was between them. He blamed me. I had rented a house for his daughters and he and I to spend the weekend. He left me at home and went alone.
Uncovering the lies
We did eventually get back together. The next few months I uncovered that he had lied to me about his homes. He had not worked three jobs. His primary home had been given to him by an aunt. He had sold stock, which was given to him by another aunt, as a down payment on his lake home. His mother had given him money for three years after his father’s death. I also uncovered that he had not earned the salary he quoted to me. I suspect that he was embezzling from his mother as she lay dying in a nursing home. As if this was not enough.
Again, he tried to hide the truth through another emotional outburst claiming to be ill and have been throwing up blood. He apologized, bought me an engagement ring and wedding bands. We started building a home together. A month later we had completed selections for our home. He fought with me again, accusing me of sleeping with and dating other men. He disregarded me for two days. I went to his apartment to speak with him, only to find him in bed with a woman 18 years younger than he, who he picked up the night before in a biker bar. I was traumatized. He accused me of cheating and told me I drove him to this behavior.
Never a SEAL
I reached out to people at the POW Network who put me in touch with a former Navy SEAL and author, who assisted me in finding the truth. The truth was this man had served four months in the Navy before being discharged. Not only was he not a SEAL, he never worked for the NSA. No Navy SEAL has ever been a POW. His dog tags were not real, nor was his trident pin or SEAL diving watch. And all the articles of clothing he gave away and wore, could be purchased online. I confronted him with all that I had learned. He insisted that I was wrong. While having this conversation with him I noticed he had a SEAL banner hanging in his apartment. It was new. I asked him why a 50-year old man would hang a SEAL banner above his bed. He had supposedly not been a SEAL for 30 years. Then I asked him if it attracts young girls who adore his service as a SEAL as they sit on top of him in his bed.
Abusing steroids
I found used and unused needles in his apartment and in his trash. It was then that I realized the lies covered up other lies. He was abusing steroids. I tried to appeal to his sister, thinking she may get him some help. She made excuses for him. I did not understand even then what I was dealing with. I blamed myself for a long time. I tried to make sense of it all and to rationalize the bad behavior, the steroid abuse, the lies. Everything was a lure — his body, his stories, his lies. I don’t think he is a graduate of the university but I have not been able to verify that.
His testicles were not small from the torture he said he had suffered. They were small because he was suffering the result of steroid abuse. It’s also why he shaved his head (hair loss). At the time he was also being tested for heart, liver and kidney problems and was being treated for high blood pressure. These are all symptom of steroid abuse. This man was physically sick, but also a pathological liar. He then decided to be a bouncer at the biker bar where his new girlfriend worked. She was on welfare with three illegitimate children, had cancer and kept getting kicked out of homes and apartments because she couldn’t pay her bills (according to him). They were also “just friends” according to him, because he never wanted to take care of her or her children. Keep in mind, I have an advanced degree, a beautiful home, a responsible job. I pay my bills and I am an attractive woman for my 47 years. I could not understand any of it.
After the devastation
A year later and I am trying to heal from this devastating fraud. I believe now that he is a sociopath and I was targeted. I also believe that the drama in his life is a result of his sociopathy. I believe his older daughter is also a sociopath and that his younger daughter may be misdiagnosed as bipolar. I met the worst possible person at the worst possible time. My head was reeling and my heart could not keep up. How did I get so wrapped up in someone like this when clearly all the red flags were there? For a period of time, I dropped my guard and my boundaries. I did it because I was lonely. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I cared deeply for this man, who had been so badly abused. In the process, I allowed him and his badly behaved adult daughters to abuse me too.
A few months ago I heard he had a heart attack. I started searching obituaries thinking that maybe he died. I searched the Internet and found his name and face on the POW Network as a man who has potential to be prosecuted for violating the Stole Valor Act of 2006. There are many men like him on this web page. The people there were extremely helpful to me and they do fantastic work. THIS is his only crime. I had contact with the woman he said he had a short affair with. I found that he met her in the same exact place he met me. He spewed the same lines. He took us to the same places for weekend trips. He told this woman he was in process of a divorce but I don’t believe he had never been separated from his wife. He had an affair with her for a year and a half — then one day he called and told her he was getting back together with his wife. And that was the last she heard from him. Cold and heartless, he is gone from her life.
What kind of love is that? She said that he left her often for periods of time but that he always came back. She said he treated her like a princess. She told me that she wanted to die. She lost her job, and had a DUI. The suffering is incredible. The lies are pathological. Their families cover for them. The abuse confuses otherwise emotionally healthy people. They eat away at our souls and take away our innocence and ability to love completely again.
Hit and run
They are a devastating storm that changes lives forever in the aftermath. They hit and run, never to be found guilty or to pay for the devastation, because people like this do not feel empathy and don’t understand the pain they have caused. They don’t have consciences and so they continue the devastation somewhere else. They don’t care and never did. They have become good at imitating the emotions that normal people display and truly feel. Still I try to make sense of something senseless, irrational. There are no answers, even in finding out the truth. I loved this man. I forgave him many times. He projected all his sins on to me. He called me names and verbally abused me. He left me often. He lied and cheated. And for a while, even my friends and family thought me to be the one who was insane — because I still loved him and forgave him and I let him back in. Still he walked away blaming me and talking badly about me. I want that loving innocence back again. I despise him, mostly for stealing that away from me.
It can happen to anyone
I have read many books, participated in blogs and message boards, have corresponded with professionals and have had therapy with a wonderful doctor who understands sociopathy and personality disorders. Still there is no logic and there is no closure. It must be found through realizing:
1. I was targeted at a vulnerable time.
2. I was targeted because of the good qualities about me.
3. He is not a good man. He is disordered and will never heal or improve.
4. He did this to others and will continue to do this.
5. My good standards will not be lowered again and I have a zero tolerance for what I have learned is the definition of abuse.
6. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
Abuse is not just verbal or physical. It comes in many forms. At a minimum I require respect, honesty, integrity and it must be displayed by way of actions, not words. This man was not able to follow through on anything. His actions were almost never consistent with his words. He is simply a fake, a phony, a con man, who conned me into giving him my heart, my love and almost my mind and soul. Not one thing was real about him, not his body, or his being. I don’t think I will ever forgive him and I certainly will never forget. I have, however, forgiven myself, as I have learned that this can happen to ANYONE. None of us is free from the grasp of the sociopath.
Learn more — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Nov. 12, 2008.
Announcing the True Lovefraud Stories podcast
Kat: You can always love him, but from a distance, in your own space … NO CONTACT for a reason. The reason is you already learned what he can do to you. Do you really want to learn the rest of what he has to offer to destroy you? I don’t think so.
If you are waffling about low self esteem issues … go into this site and read what you need to read.
Peace to your heart and soul … you’ve already gotten through the worst of it … the initial shock to your system about finding out what he truly is. We don’t need to humpty dumpty you again and try to put the pieces of you back together again.
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http://www.foxven.com
Peace.
I know Wini.. but I just can’t keep avoiding this college.. I was very careful choosing it and groomed my whole 2 year degree towards their requirements.. I can’t just throw the whole thing over now. I’ve already put it off for two extra semesters.
And I can’t take seeing him from across the street and knowing I can’t say hi, it makes me feel like I’m in jail and being punished for something I didn’t do. If I even think about HER touching him, it kills me.. to see it.. what will I do?
You guys can say what you want…I was ready and willing to die for months this fall.. I was only staying alive for my youngest child and could barely stand the pain enough to stay even for him…
No ideal, even the ideal of no contact.. is worth dying for. I will do what I have to do to maintain a decent level of emotional health, even if it means I have to be his “friend” for a couple of years till I can move far away and never come back. I know it will be much easier when I don’t have to run into him anymore in public…
but for now.. knowing that I can IM or call him, or have lunch with him, is the only thing that makes me able to keep from crossing the street and beating his new “old lady” to a pulp. I feel her gloating and betrayal much worse than his .. because she has been through the same crap from men and should know better than to turn on another woman that way.
Not that I’ll give him the satisfaction of knowing I’m angry at her.. I’ve known him long enough to know he truly enjoys women fighting over him.
From what I’ve gathered.. he was very unpopular with women as a young man, was often discarded and taken for granted. Now that he is forty-something and has developed strong work habits and gotten rid of his bad temper, and has also grown lovely long brown hair without any gray, he is extremely popular with women of all ages. So now he feels he is getting his “revenge” on womankind.. or whatever.
Wini.. I look forward to leaving him behind when I graduate, but the time is not now.. sorry folks, but I am being as honest as I know how.
Kat: I don’t understand why no one gets the idea that how you were treated is exactly how the new person (victim) is going to be treated. Yes, they will pretend when they see you that they are in love with the new person, that’s part of their insecurity. What, do you really expect him to tell you he was wrong for doing what he did to you? NO WAY … they are too insecure to ever tell you the truth. So, they will play up the new relationship like its the best thing that happened to them.
Within hours of meeting anyone … it’s over for them. The illusion is over, the bubble has burst … they just don’t let us know it until they are ready to move on. They stay as long as they need to … but, everyone disgusts them. Understand this. NO ONE can help them. They have to learn to help themselves …and this takes looking at themselves as the problem. WHICH THEY DON’T DO … THAT’S WHY THEY ARE THE WAY THEY ARE. Know this and stop being envious of the newest victims in their lives. Because, they are all victims, every single on of them. What he did to you, continues to the next person and the next and the next. They won’t stop until they look inside themselves … and that is the pain about them that they can’t handle, and most likely will never handle.
Peace.
Donna,
I am sorry for your pain, but what of your husband? My wife asked for a divorce 10 months ago; we have three daughters, 11, 16, and 21. She is in love with a sociopath and does not believe it. I have talked to enough women in his past to know it’s true. They will all deny talking to me and want nothing to do with him.
It is an acrimonious divorce. She twice had me evicted using protection orders (bogus – I have never laid a hand on her and never would). At the eviction hearing, the judge told her the two PFA’s, both without merit (the judge’s words) were a basis to evict her.
We are all still living under the same roof, except for my 21 year old. It has already been agreed that I am going to get the house and 50/50 joint legal/physical custody of the children, so I am not moving – why should I?. I am scared to death that my wife’s boyfriend will somehow harm my children either emotionally or physically, or both.
What about your husband? One day my wife may write about how her boyfriend ruined her life. Will she ever apologize to me, TO THE CHILDREN? Did you? I was told that I will one day feel sorry for Sharon. I probably will, but she is not blameless. It is she who destroyed my family, not the sociopath alone.
Breslow1
Clarification: This is not my story – I posted a story emailed by a Lovefraud reader who did not want to be identified. The blogging software automatically puts my name on it as author – I suppose I should have given the woman a pseudonym.
Also, the story is unclear about when the woman’s marriage ended. I interpreted it to mean she was already divorced.
Dear Kat,
We can only advise from the standpoint of having been there. You are the one who makes your decisions, and has the consequences.
I fought NO CONTACT for so long. How could I”divorce” my son, my mother, for goodness sake? My own blood? I did it because though it is hard. It is like if you are going to cut a puppy’s tail off…is it more “humane” or less “painful” to cut it off an inch at a time? Repeating the pain each time the tail is shortened.
Your anger at his GF I think is you blaming her for his behavior. SHE didn’t make him what he is any more than you did. HE IS WHAT HE IS. He is that because he likes being a lying cheat, he enjoys seeing that he can still “make you care” and has an influence over you. He STILL HAS CONTROL. You have chosen to give him that control because you think it is “easier” to cut it off a piece at a time. Easier to open those wounds and let the blood flow, pull those scabs off, to keep up the “toxic hope” tht it will be “easier” this way.
Kat, you know we love you and are here for you, and always will be, but we can’t save you, only you can “save” you from this psychopath who enjoys your pain. Hating his GF isn’t beneficial to you or harmful to him or you. Beating her face in or even wanting to is only poisoning your own healing effort.
As far as her “not being blameless”—that point isn’t important really, Kat, if not her, it would be SOMEONE. HE DESTROYED YOUR FAMILY, NOT HER. He doesn’t and never did love you, he doesn’t and never will love her either. He isn’t going to love anyone.
Focus on YOU Kat, heal yourself my dear friend. I hate to see you hurt, but I know how hard it is to see the truth. Like the blog here said “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” (((hugs)))) and prayers for your healing, Kat.
Namaste Hey I am so comforted by your post – you are able too look back and see the progress you have made – and still remember the horrible place you were in. * months ago I decided I had to end the relationship – there was no other choice – and I am determined to make it through this – it’s become more about me and less about him – yes he used me big time – but I volunteered to be his victim – and I became habitualized to his abuse – it became a power struggle – it became very sick and demented – and he would still be using me now if I allowed it – the only power I have is no contact – no friendship – no nothing – to be his ‘friend’ now would make him guiltless of the past – to stay No Contact forever will let him know I am ‘done’ regardless he has no heart – I wont be a part of his life -it would make me less than I am……
and he knows how I feel about him – and I am sure he does not agree – he thinks he did nothing wrong – he has this huge scar on the top of his head – I never got an explanation about it – but I reckon he had it coming……
henry: as my mom said, if you never speak to him again then, ”you’ll have been the first one to ever say NO to him, to ever reject him, and put him in his place. YOU will set the boundary, not him.”
i win.
LIG they have no limit’s – no boundarys – I like your MOM~~~!!!