Editor’s Note: In this post, another Lovefraud reader tells her story of being deceived by a sociopath.
He was an attractive, well built-man for his 47 years. When we met three years ago, I thought he was extremely handsome and charming. He was fun to be around, and seemed to crave the same physical and emotional contact as I did. He said he was not married and that he had just ended a relationship with a woman he had been dating because she was pressuring him to meet his daughters and he was not ready for that kind of intimacy.
Over a short period of time, about four weeks, he talked about his abusive mother, his time in the Navy as a SEAL and a reservist. He suffered from the same kind of distant relationship with his wife as I had with my husband. He said she had mental problems and was very abusive toward him. Our values and standards seemed very similar. A graduate of University of New Mexico, he claimed, he wanted to be a doctor at one point and had done quite well on the entrance exam. He just couldn’t afford it He seemed smart, with a great sense of humor.
He seemed very intuitive and was extremely responsive to me. I had been married for 20 years to a man who didn’t pay attention. I craved this kind of physical and emotional attention. He was loving, affectionate, generous. He loved taking me places and out to dinner (which my ex-husband refused to do). He gave me his time and did so willingly. When we weren’t together we talked for hours on the phone. He was on the road a lot working in sales and seemed to value hard work. He said he had worked three jobs at one point so that his ex-wife could stay at home with their children and so that he could afford the lifestyle they enjoyed (home on a golf course, home on a lake). I envied this as I had always worked full-time at the demand of my husband.
Says he’s in love
We saw each other a few times and within a month he called one evening and told me he was in love with me. It was sweet. He was adorable. On our next meeting, he was so romantic and attentive. At one point he asked me how I felt about people who killed other people. I was stunned but thought it must have something to do with his work as a SEAL. It was like he needed to talk about something and I wished he would just open up to me. That very next day he called me and told me he could not see me anymore because he was in love with me and his intuition from all of his abuse was telling him that he would only get hurt. I was devastated. Had I done or said something wrong? I was in the process of relocating. He knew that, but the distance did not seem unsurmountable. There was no talking to him. He refused my calls and by the end of the week he did speak to me and told me his ex-wife had had some surgery and he was going to move her into his home and was going to take care of her while she recovered. He said she was crazy but he had to do this.
About four months later, I contacted him to let him know I was settled in my new location and my divorce was moving forward. He asked if he could visit me. He missed me and wanted to reconnect. I was so happy and excited. We spent a few weekends together. It was during one of those weekends that he told me he was married and had been all along. That was the first red flag and I should have kicked him to the curb then. We were away on a very romantic weekend in a small cabin in the mountains. His weekend was filled with drama (calls from his wife and daughter). They thought he was on a hunting trip. He told me his intention was to leave his wife within the next two months and that almost everything had been ironed out because they had been separated and close to divorce previously. He had already been looking for an apartment. I asked him about the woman with whom he had a relationship and he said he had an affair with her that lasted a short time and he regretted it almost immediately. He did not love her. He was so lonely and felt so abused by his wife. I was already in love with him. It was that weekend that he told me he could easily be married to me and that he wanted me to meet his daughters.
Little boy demeanor
Mostly, he had this little boy demeanor about him. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he talked about his mother’s physical and emotional abuse. I couldn’t stand to even listen to it. I can’t even watch movies that have anything to do with abusing children. He cried when he told me the story about being tortured as a Navy SEAL. He said his captors hooked electrodes to his testicles and shocked him. He couldn’t stand to listen to the cries of his SEAL partner also being tortured along side him. When the event finally ended and they were rescued he said he had killed his captor. He explained that he believes his testicles are smaller than normal because of this torturous event. He talked about how he wanted to go to Iraq and work for Blackwater consulting. He said he had been offered the opportunity to do so because of his SEAL background. Again, that little boy quality of wanting to just run away from it all. His daughters were very demanding and he talked about some of the problems he had with them over the years. He described his older daughter has lacking a “social filter” and said his younger daughter was bi-polar. They were both adults now but still extremely demanding financially. He seemed like a good father. He could not say no to them.
In the coming months he found he was being relocated to the city where I was living. “It was fate,” as he stated. What a coincidence. We were meant to be together. He felt higher powers were bringing us together. In that time he began talking more about his life as a SEAL and how he was also working part time consulting for the NSA (National Security Agency). He said he was an explosives expert and he had helped the NSA to plan the deaths of terrorists. Little by little he gave me additional information about his “part-time job” as he called it. At one point he told me he had killed seven people. On a trip to Canada, he introduced me to a woman, whose appearance was questionable, who he said had been one of his informants. I now believe she was one of his girlfriends who he frequented in his many travels.
Meeting his daughters
He did relocate. I met his daughters. It was not easy. His oldest, now 24, would call constantly to berate him for leaving her (she was away in college and living with her fiance). She eventually told her father she hated me. On many occasions she appealed to him by saying “She doesn’t like me daddy.” She also told him she was getting married simply because she felt insecure about him leaving her. Subsequently, her marriage lasted five months. He and his daughter had what I would call an emotionally incestuous relationship. They discussed personal and sexual things that I thought were inappropriate. She physically hung on him like a lover and spoke to him as though she had ownership. It was disturbing. His younger daughter was also manipulative but in a different way.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
Initially, I tolerated the drama, the emotional outbursts, the bad behavior and much disrespect from his daughters. Each time we would go away together his older daughter would call incessantly and would tell him her disapproval of our relationship. His younger daughter would call and tell him how he should have been with her instead. On one occasion his ex-wife called to tell him she had herpes and got it from using her sister’s towel (so he said). I think that maybe she called to tell him he had given her herpes, but he eventually told me she was lying about all of it simply to try to keep him from having sex with me or anyone. This was normal in his life. I can’t begin to write all of the stories and drama, cancelled trips because of the drama. I chalked it up to his divorce and the trauma of the family separation.
Calls from the NSA
There were many restricted calls on his cell phone at all hours of the night. He insisted that the calls were form a former NSA partner who was in trouble. He cried because he was not able to have contact with this man outside of official business. He decided that he was going to leave the NSA and actually went to Fort Mead one day (so he said) to be debriefed as he left this covert role. He seemed so dedicated to his work. He wore dog tags around his neck. He showed me his Navy SEAL trident pin. He gave my son a SEAL cap and t-shirts. He said he had used aliases and had traveled the world doing this work for the NSA. I asked him how this was possible while working full time and he said that some of his work was done on his own as he did his regular full-time job, but when he traveled for the NSA he just took vacation time here and there. He said his wife didn’t pay much attention and never called him when he was out of town so she never knew. He also talked about how he used a satellite phone so his wife could not see his caller ID when he called home from abroad. That was why he restricted his number on his cell phone.
He left town one day for a nine-hour trip in the car to visit his younger daughter. I spoke to him late in the afternoon and he should have been at his destination but he was not. He started crying and said he had to re-route to visit with some former NSA people. The friend who had reached out to him had been killed. He said, “If the FBI comes knocking on your door or anyone ever tells you I died of a drug overdose, don’t believe it, because I would never do that.” The stories were becoming too bizarre. I wanted to believe him but something did not seem right. The emotional outbursts and crying seemed to always come at a time when I would find later he was not truthful about something.
A few months later his older daughter started to send emails to me telling me that my children were not invited to her wedding. It caused a big argument right before his birthday. I asked him to please handle it; that it was between them. He blamed me. I had rented a house for his daughters and he and I to spend the weekend. He left me at home and went alone.
Uncovering the lies
We did eventually get back together. The next few months I uncovered that he had lied to me about his homes. He had not worked three jobs. His primary home had been given to him by an aunt. He had sold stock, which was given to him by another aunt, as a down payment on his lake home. His mother had given him money for three years after his father’s death. I also uncovered that he had not earned the salary he quoted to me. I suspect that he was embezzling from his mother as she lay dying in a nursing home. As if this was not enough.
Again, he tried to hide the truth through another emotional outburst claiming to be ill and have been throwing up blood. He apologized, bought me an engagement ring and wedding bands. We started building a home together. A month later we had completed selections for our home. He fought with me again, accusing me of sleeping with and dating other men. He disregarded me for two days. I went to his apartment to speak with him, only to find him in bed with a woman 18 years younger than he, who he picked up the night before in a biker bar. I was traumatized. He accused me of cheating and told me I drove him to this behavior.
Never a SEAL
I reached out to people at the POW Network who put me in touch with a former Navy SEAL and author, who assisted me in finding the truth. The truth was this man had served four months in the Navy before being discharged. Not only was he not a SEAL, he never worked for the NSA. No Navy SEAL has ever been a POW. His dog tags were not real, nor was his trident pin or SEAL diving watch. And all the articles of clothing he gave away and wore, could be purchased online. I confronted him with all that I had learned. He insisted that I was wrong. While having this conversation with him I noticed he had a SEAL banner hanging in his apartment. It was new. I asked him why a 50-year old man would hang a SEAL banner above his bed. He had supposedly not been a SEAL for 30 years. Then I asked him if it attracts young girls who adore his service as a SEAL as they sit on top of him in his bed.
Abusing steroids
I found used and unused needles in his apartment and in his trash. It was then that I realized the lies covered up other lies. He was abusing steroids. I tried to appeal to his sister, thinking she may get him some help. She made excuses for him. I did not understand even then what I was dealing with. I blamed myself for a long time. I tried to make sense of it all and to rationalize the bad behavior, the steroid abuse, the lies. Everything was a lure — his body, his stories, his lies. I don’t think he is a graduate of the university but I have not been able to verify that.
His testicles were not small from the torture he said he had suffered. They were small because he was suffering the result of steroid abuse. It’s also why he shaved his head (hair loss). At the time he was also being tested for heart, liver and kidney problems and was being treated for high blood pressure. These are all symptom of steroid abuse. This man was physically sick, but also a pathological liar. He then decided to be a bouncer at the biker bar where his new girlfriend worked. She was on welfare with three illegitimate children, had cancer and kept getting kicked out of homes and apartments because she couldn’t pay her bills (according to him). They were also “just friends” according to him, because he never wanted to take care of her or her children. Keep in mind, I have an advanced degree, a beautiful home, a responsible job. I pay my bills and I am an attractive woman for my 47 years. I could not understand any of it.
After the devastation
A year later and I am trying to heal from this devastating fraud. I believe now that he is a sociopath and I was targeted. I also believe that the drama in his life is a result of his sociopathy. I believe his older daughter is also a sociopath and that his younger daughter may be misdiagnosed as bipolar. I met the worst possible person at the worst possible time. My head was reeling and my heart could not keep up. How did I get so wrapped up in someone like this when clearly all the red flags were there? For a period of time, I dropped my guard and my boundaries. I did it because I was lonely. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I cared deeply for this man, who had been so badly abused. In the process, I allowed him and his badly behaved adult daughters to abuse me too.
A few months ago I heard he had a heart attack. I started searching obituaries thinking that maybe he died. I searched the Internet and found his name and face on the POW Network as a man who has potential to be prosecuted for violating the Stole Valor Act of 2006. There are many men like him on this web page. The people there were extremely helpful to me and they do fantastic work. THIS is his only crime. I had contact with the woman he said he had a short affair with. I found that he met her in the same exact place he met me. He spewed the same lines. He took us to the same places for weekend trips. He told this woman he was in process of a divorce but I don’t believe he had never been separated from his wife. He had an affair with her for a year and a half — then one day he called and told her he was getting back together with his wife. And that was the last she heard from him. Cold and heartless, he is gone from her life.
What kind of love is that? She said that he left her often for periods of time but that he always came back. She said he treated her like a princess. She told me that she wanted to die. She lost her job, and had a DUI. The suffering is incredible. The lies are pathological. Their families cover for them. The abuse confuses otherwise emotionally healthy people. They eat away at our souls and take away our innocence and ability to love completely again.
Hit and run
They are a devastating storm that changes lives forever in the aftermath. They hit and run, never to be found guilty or to pay for the devastation, because people like this do not feel empathy and don’t understand the pain they have caused. They don’t have consciences and so they continue the devastation somewhere else. They don’t care and never did. They have become good at imitating the emotions that normal people display and truly feel. Still I try to make sense of something senseless, irrational. There are no answers, even in finding out the truth. I loved this man. I forgave him many times. He projected all his sins on to me. He called me names and verbally abused me. He left me often. He lied and cheated. And for a while, even my friends and family thought me to be the one who was insane — because I still loved him and forgave him and I let him back in. Still he walked away blaming me and talking badly about me. I want that loving innocence back again. I despise him, mostly for stealing that away from me.
It can happen to anyone
I have read many books, participated in blogs and message boards, have corresponded with professionals and have had therapy with a wonderful doctor who understands sociopathy and personality disorders. Still there is no logic and there is no closure. It must be found through realizing:
1. I was targeted at a vulnerable time.
2. I was targeted because of the good qualities about me.
3. He is not a good man. He is disordered and will never heal or improve.
4. He did this to others and will continue to do this.
5. My good standards will not be lowered again and I have a zero tolerance for what I have learned is the definition of abuse.
6. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
Abuse is not just verbal or physical. It comes in many forms. At a minimum I require respect, honesty, integrity and it must be displayed by way of actions, not words. This man was not able to follow through on anything. His actions were almost never consistent with his words. He is simply a fake, a phony, a con man, who conned me into giving him my heart, my love and almost my mind and soul. Not one thing was real about him, not his body, or his being. I don’t think I will ever forgive him and I certainly will never forget. I have, however, forgiven myself, as I have learned that this can happen to ANYONE. None of us is free from the grasp of the sociopath.
Learn more — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Nov. 12, 2008.
Announcing the True Lovefraud Stories podcast
keeping_faith says:
“This may sound funny but it helps to “label” the man because I thought for SO long that it was me and my fault. I know now that it wasn’t. The man was not/is not capable or stable enough, (at a minimum) of having a normal healthy relationship with anyone. He wasn’t with his x wife, or his daughters or anyone really—.but you are right in DOES IT REALLY MATTER???? Eventually I guess it will catch up with them but seems a horrible thing that they are allowed to walk the earth like otherwise normal people. Am I naive to not have known for all these years that people like this really exist????”
I didn’t know these people exist. I have made it a point to read and study sociopaths because I hope that some day these 1/2 human individuals can all go to a place where they will meet there matches (other sociopaths). They like to prey, so let them prey each other. It is not fair that they are polluting society with these non-feeling ways and taking inocence from normal people.
I was one of them and it is hard to go back to a normal life after you have been burned.
The sociopath in my life was charming, unstabble, worked in authorities, made up stories, got angry quickly, non-feeling, cold, callous, and may have even committed murders. I can’t prove it and no one with any authority wants to listen to me without a name, body or smoking gun (so to speak).
We should consider ourselves fortunate that we have survived the aquaintance with these psychopaths.
akitameg: For a little pick me up … since you are at the beginning phase of untangling the destruction he did to your space …double click on this link any time you find that you are feeling blue or obsessing about him.
http://www.pathways-to-peace.com
click on View the presentation. Make sure your speakers are on.
Peace.
It is the betrayal that makes me so ill. Can anyone– anyone understand the betrayal of this man swearing comittment and love and then literally– within 24 hours (His millionaire mom suddenly died 20 years too soon)
crying to his therapist about how abusive I was– and that he couldn’t take my abuse anymore?? I had done nothing.
It was all an act!!! He was pretending that I was abusing him– b/c he knew he had to discard me– and couldn’t let his “therapist” see how ruthless he really was. Then his cover would be blown.
HOw am I supposed to live with these memories? It was surreal it was so evil. And I could not defend myself at the time b/c I did not know what was really happening. I so wish that wonderful doctor knew the truth– instead– I heard him telling my S “Break up with her.”– like I was the criminal! Does anyone get this????
akitameg: Which form of betrayal are you referring to? There are so many levels betrayal when dealing with the likes of them. Just know that THEY are the LIE … from start to finish … every time they open their mouth … poof … out jumps another lie.
I’m wondering mmmmmmmmhhhhhh… do they turn to dust … and did they come from ashes?
Peace.
Dear Meg,
Yes, the betrayal slices so deep, like a knife across the heart. At first you are scratching your head wondering, “What the hell was that?” as though a tornado just ran over your house unexpectedly. Then you’re left to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of something that really doesn’t make any sense. You will find you are totally invalidated. And don’t ever expect it from him. Ever. But down the road you will learn to validate yourself.
My sociopath waltzed into my life and my home as if he was meant to be there. He was trying to get close to me right away, even talking about the things he wanted to buy me the first time we hung out. I had to tell him I just wanted a friendship, which he respected. We were friends for three weeks. During this time I knew I was falling for him. But it seemed to be a very complicated time in his life. I found out on our second meeting that he was still married though separated. He was trying to exit the army due to a major head injury he received in Iraq. He also had a young daughter. I remember being disappointed that he was married. But I think deep down I had already decided that I was very interested in him and would wait for his divorce to become final. He said it would be very soon, and it would happen along with the medical discharge. I realize now that his marriage confession on our second meeting was a relationship-killer. But I told myself we would just stay friends. Even after we slept together, I considered us as friends. I was 47, and my prospects for dating have been very few. He was 10 years younger and very attractive (though I wasn’t attracted to him at first). He was the best thing to come along in a long time. I figured a month or two is not a long time to wait.
The drama continued. There was a missed date and promises of phone calls that never occurred. It was quite upsetting to me. He always followed up pledging his feelings for me and explaining how the army and his wife had put him in a bad situation. He told me they had been living separately for 8 months but that the army required her to move into his townhome on the base to take care of him. He said she slept in a different room. I knew I should have walked, but I was hooked. I waited but barely. I had a lot of time apart from him to think about the inconsistencies in his stories, the missed calls, and so on. Things weren’t adding up. But every time I confronted him, he always had a convincing response. The divorce was right around the corner. Any day now………..
After a few months I started losing hope. I went away on a camping trip by myself to think about things. It didn’t look good. But I returned to about 10 voice messages from him telling me he was in love with me. Finally, when I took his call, he got in his car and drove up to see me. It was the night of his daughter’s birthday, after he and his wife had given her a big party. What a guy, huh? I knew I was committing adultery, but I couldn’t let go.
When he came up to visit me, we had our most intimate time together. He told me the divorce AND medical discharge papers finally got filed that week. He told me he wanted to marry me and move closer to me. I was so relieved. I actually started to think of him as my boyfriend.
Here comes the discard: It was the NEXT DAY (THE NEXT DAY!!!!!) he stood me up for a date with no call. He did not return my calls. But here’s the best part. I saw him posting on our mutual website as if he didn’t have a care in the world. When I sent him a message on the site, he blew me off!!!!!!!
It took me a few weeks to figure out what actually happened. He didn’t even take responsibility for the discard. He emailed me a few days saying he was sorry, and he knew I’d never talk to him again. I asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said no, but he knew he went too far. He had no excuses for what had happened.
Later I saw him posting pictures on our site with his wedding ring on. But I still did not really believe what was happening. So I set him up. I had a friend call him and three-way me in. I heard him lie to her 3 times in 5 minutes. My heart sank. I knew then he was some kind of monster.
He kept emailing me asking me if this means I never want to hear from him again. He wanted to make me responsible for the discard. I told him that if I EVER heard from him again or ever saw him posting on that website, I’d turn him into the army for adultery. He continued to post there as if I didn’t exist. What a slap in the face. So I called the army.
Here’s what I found out AFTER THE FACT: There was never any divorce filed. The medical papers were NOT filed. There was no divorce. You cannot file divorce through the army anyway. He was faking symptoms to get out of the army! He claimed he couldn’t walk or talk properly. He claimed he couldn’t drive, perform sexually, or even walk. He told them I was making up stories. I cannot tell you how good it felt to send in sworn statements, and have my friends who met him send in sworn statement stating he could walk and talk just fine. When he knew his goose was cooked, he threatened suicide.
So, yes, betrayal doesn’t even begin to describe what you feel. You are left hanging feeling like you were tossed out like an old shoe. They all do the same things–lying, changing their stories, acting like you don’t exist……
So don’t ever think you’re crazy–you’re not. You have just experienced the human equivalent of a tornado.
It is so funny that They are the Lie from begining to end It does’nt stop they will just pick up where they left behind someone said How do they keep up with all the lies ? It does’nt matter when it is all LIES they are self serving one builds on another till it’s a mess of nothing! Anti-logic , anti -relationship ! , anti-anything! And they enjoy it revel in it like it was worth something! And the fleeting graps of love evades them still ! So desprate and uterly miserable an existance! We need not wish them anymore misery than they have choosen for theselves! LOVE JJ
Indi: I know what you mean. My ex had already lied to the OW he set up before he split from me with lies. He told her that his relationship with me was over and that we were just “roomates.” I didn’t bother getting in touch with her to tell her the truth. She will find out …if she hasn’t already. They can only keep the game up for so long and then BAM! The sh#@....... hits the fan…but by that time, they’ve already hooked the next victim with lies so they don’t really care when they are discovered. And this goes on…and on…and on. There is always a sucker.
I can’t believe the Taj Mahal is on fire. This is surreal to me.
I had a friend come to my house when the Trade towers where being bombed You need to pay me to watch tv
What? The Taj Mahal was bombed?