Editor’s Note: In this post, another Lovefraud reader tells her story of being deceived by a sociopath.
He was an attractive, well built-man for his 47 years. When we met three years ago, I thought he was extremely handsome and charming. He was fun to be around, and seemed to crave the same physical and emotional contact as I did. He said he was not married and that he had just ended a relationship with a woman he had been dating because she was pressuring him to meet his daughters and he was not ready for that kind of intimacy.
Over a short period of time, about four weeks, he talked about his abusive mother, his time in the Navy as a SEAL and a reservist. He suffered from the same kind of distant relationship with his wife as I had with my husband. He said she had mental problems and was very abusive toward him. Our values and standards seemed very similar. A graduate of University of New Mexico, he claimed, he wanted to be a doctor at one point and had done quite well on the entrance exam. He just couldn’t afford it He seemed smart, with a great sense of humor.
He seemed very intuitive and was extremely responsive to me. I had been married for 20 years to a man who didn’t pay attention. I craved this kind of physical and emotional attention. He was loving, affectionate, generous. He loved taking me places and out to dinner (which my ex-husband refused to do). He gave me his time and did so willingly. When we weren’t together we talked for hours on the phone. He was on the road a lot working in sales and seemed to value hard work. He said he had worked three jobs at one point so that his ex-wife could stay at home with their children and so that he could afford the lifestyle they enjoyed (home on a golf course, home on a lake). I envied this as I had always worked full-time at the demand of my husband.
Says he’s in love
We saw each other a few times and within a month he called one evening and told me he was in love with me. It was sweet. He was adorable. On our next meeting, he was so romantic and attentive. At one point he asked me how I felt about people who killed other people. I was stunned but thought it must have something to do with his work as a SEAL. It was like he needed to talk about something and I wished he would just open up to me. That very next day he called me and told me he could not see me anymore because he was in love with me and his intuition from all of his abuse was telling him that he would only get hurt. I was devastated. Had I done or said something wrong? I was in the process of relocating. He knew that, but the distance did not seem unsurmountable. There was no talking to him. He refused my calls and by the end of the week he did speak to me and told me his ex-wife had had some surgery and he was going to move her into his home and was going to take care of her while she recovered. He said she was crazy but he had to do this.
About four months later, I contacted him to let him know I was settled in my new location and my divorce was moving forward. He asked if he could visit me. He missed me and wanted to reconnect. I was so happy and excited. We spent a few weekends together. It was during one of those weekends that he told me he was married and had been all along. That was the first red flag and I should have kicked him to the curb then. We were away on a very romantic weekend in a small cabin in the mountains. His weekend was filled with drama (calls from his wife and daughter). They thought he was on a hunting trip. He told me his intention was to leave his wife within the next two months and that almost everything had been ironed out because they had been separated and close to divorce previously. He had already been looking for an apartment. I asked him about the woman with whom he had a relationship and he said he had an affair with her that lasted a short time and he regretted it almost immediately. He did not love her. He was so lonely and felt so abused by his wife. I was already in love with him. It was that weekend that he told me he could easily be married to me and that he wanted me to meet his daughters.
Little boy demeanor
Mostly, he had this little boy demeanor about him. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he talked about his mother’s physical and emotional abuse. I couldn’t stand to even listen to it. I can’t even watch movies that have anything to do with abusing children. He cried when he told me the story about being tortured as a Navy SEAL. He said his captors hooked electrodes to his testicles and shocked him. He couldn’t stand to listen to the cries of his SEAL partner also being tortured along side him. When the event finally ended and they were rescued he said he had killed his captor. He explained that he believes his testicles are smaller than normal because of this torturous event. He talked about how he wanted to go to Iraq and work for Blackwater consulting. He said he had been offered the opportunity to do so because of his SEAL background. Again, that little boy quality of wanting to just run away from it all. His daughters were very demanding and he talked about some of the problems he had with them over the years. He described his older daughter has lacking a “social filter” and said his younger daughter was bi-polar. They were both adults now but still extremely demanding financially. He seemed like a good father. He could not say no to them.
In the coming months he found he was being relocated to the city where I was living. “It was fate,” as he stated. What a coincidence. We were meant to be together. He felt higher powers were bringing us together. In that time he began talking more about his life as a SEAL and how he was also working part time consulting for the NSA (National Security Agency). He said he was an explosives expert and he had helped the NSA to plan the deaths of terrorists. Little by little he gave me additional information about his “part-time job” as he called it. At one point he told me he had killed seven people. On a trip to Canada, he introduced me to a woman, whose appearance was questionable, who he said had been one of his informants. I now believe she was one of his girlfriends who he frequented in his many travels.
Meeting his daughters
He did relocate. I met his daughters. It was not easy. His oldest, now 24, would call constantly to berate him for leaving her (she was away in college and living with her fiance). She eventually told her father she hated me. On many occasions she appealed to him by saying “She doesn’t like me daddy.” She also told him she was getting married simply because she felt insecure about him leaving her. Subsequently, her marriage lasted five months. He and his daughter had what I would call an emotionally incestuous relationship. They discussed personal and sexual things that I thought were inappropriate. She physically hung on him like a lover and spoke to him as though she had ownership. It was disturbing. His younger daughter was also manipulative but in a different way.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
Initially, I tolerated the drama, the emotional outbursts, the bad behavior and much disrespect from his daughters. Each time we would go away together his older daughter would call incessantly and would tell him her disapproval of our relationship. His younger daughter would call and tell him how he should have been with her instead. On one occasion his ex-wife called to tell him she had herpes and got it from using her sister’s towel (so he said). I think that maybe she called to tell him he had given her herpes, but he eventually told me she was lying about all of it simply to try to keep him from having sex with me or anyone. This was normal in his life. I can’t begin to write all of the stories and drama, cancelled trips because of the drama. I chalked it up to his divorce and the trauma of the family separation.
Calls from the NSA
There were many restricted calls on his cell phone at all hours of the night. He insisted that the calls were form a former NSA partner who was in trouble. He cried because he was not able to have contact with this man outside of official business. He decided that he was going to leave the NSA and actually went to Fort Mead one day (so he said) to be debriefed as he left this covert role. He seemed so dedicated to his work. He wore dog tags around his neck. He showed me his Navy SEAL trident pin. He gave my son a SEAL cap and t-shirts. He said he had used aliases and had traveled the world doing this work for the NSA. I asked him how this was possible while working full time and he said that some of his work was done on his own as he did his regular full-time job, but when he traveled for the NSA he just took vacation time here and there. He said his wife didn’t pay much attention and never called him when he was out of town so she never knew. He also talked about how he used a satellite phone so his wife could not see his caller ID when he called home from abroad. That was why he restricted his number on his cell phone.
He left town one day for a nine-hour trip in the car to visit his younger daughter. I spoke to him late in the afternoon and he should have been at his destination but he was not. He started crying and said he had to re-route to visit with some former NSA people. The friend who had reached out to him had been killed. He said, “If the FBI comes knocking on your door or anyone ever tells you I died of a drug overdose, don’t believe it, because I would never do that.” The stories were becoming too bizarre. I wanted to believe him but something did not seem right. The emotional outbursts and crying seemed to always come at a time when I would find later he was not truthful about something.
A few months later his older daughter started to send emails to me telling me that my children were not invited to her wedding. It caused a big argument right before his birthday. I asked him to please handle it; that it was between them. He blamed me. I had rented a house for his daughters and he and I to spend the weekend. He left me at home and went alone.
Uncovering the lies
We did eventually get back together. The next few months I uncovered that he had lied to me about his homes. He had not worked three jobs. His primary home had been given to him by an aunt. He had sold stock, which was given to him by another aunt, as a down payment on his lake home. His mother had given him money for three years after his father’s death. I also uncovered that he had not earned the salary he quoted to me. I suspect that he was embezzling from his mother as she lay dying in a nursing home. As if this was not enough.
Again, he tried to hide the truth through another emotional outburst claiming to be ill and have been throwing up blood. He apologized, bought me an engagement ring and wedding bands. We started building a home together. A month later we had completed selections for our home. He fought with me again, accusing me of sleeping with and dating other men. He disregarded me for two days. I went to his apartment to speak with him, only to find him in bed with a woman 18 years younger than he, who he picked up the night before in a biker bar. I was traumatized. He accused me of cheating and told me I drove him to this behavior.
Never a SEAL
I reached out to people at the POW Network who put me in touch with a former Navy SEAL and author, who assisted me in finding the truth. The truth was this man had served four months in the Navy before being discharged. Not only was he not a SEAL, he never worked for the NSA. No Navy SEAL has ever been a POW. His dog tags were not real, nor was his trident pin or SEAL diving watch. And all the articles of clothing he gave away and wore, could be purchased online. I confronted him with all that I had learned. He insisted that I was wrong. While having this conversation with him I noticed he had a SEAL banner hanging in his apartment. It was new. I asked him why a 50-year old man would hang a SEAL banner above his bed. He had supposedly not been a SEAL for 30 years. Then I asked him if it attracts young girls who adore his service as a SEAL as they sit on top of him in his bed.
Abusing steroids
I found used and unused needles in his apartment and in his trash. It was then that I realized the lies covered up other lies. He was abusing steroids. I tried to appeal to his sister, thinking she may get him some help. She made excuses for him. I did not understand even then what I was dealing with. I blamed myself for a long time. I tried to make sense of it all and to rationalize the bad behavior, the steroid abuse, the lies. Everything was a lure — his body, his stories, his lies. I don’t think he is a graduate of the university but I have not been able to verify that.
His testicles were not small from the torture he said he had suffered. They were small because he was suffering the result of steroid abuse. It’s also why he shaved his head (hair loss). At the time he was also being tested for heart, liver and kidney problems and was being treated for high blood pressure. These are all symptom of steroid abuse. This man was physically sick, but also a pathological liar. He then decided to be a bouncer at the biker bar where his new girlfriend worked. She was on welfare with three illegitimate children, had cancer and kept getting kicked out of homes and apartments because she couldn’t pay her bills (according to him). They were also “just friends” according to him, because he never wanted to take care of her or her children. Keep in mind, I have an advanced degree, a beautiful home, a responsible job. I pay my bills and I am an attractive woman for my 47 years. I could not understand any of it.
After the devastation
A year later and I am trying to heal from this devastating fraud. I believe now that he is a sociopath and I was targeted. I also believe that the drama in his life is a result of his sociopathy. I believe his older daughter is also a sociopath and that his younger daughter may be misdiagnosed as bipolar. I met the worst possible person at the worst possible time. My head was reeling and my heart could not keep up. How did I get so wrapped up in someone like this when clearly all the red flags were there? For a period of time, I dropped my guard and my boundaries. I did it because I was lonely. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I cared deeply for this man, who had been so badly abused. In the process, I allowed him and his badly behaved adult daughters to abuse me too.
A few months ago I heard he had a heart attack. I started searching obituaries thinking that maybe he died. I searched the Internet and found his name and face on the POW Network as a man who has potential to be prosecuted for violating the Stole Valor Act of 2006. There are many men like him on this web page. The people there were extremely helpful to me and they do fantastic work. THIS is his only crime. I had contact with the woman he said he had a short affair with. I found that he met her in the same exact place he met me. He spewed the same lines. He took us to the same places for weekend trips. He told this woman he was in process of a divorce but I don’t believe he had never been separated from his wife. He had an affair with her for a year and a half — then one day he called and told her he was getting back together with his wife. And that was the last she heard from him. Cold and heartless, he is gone from her life.
What kind of love is that? She said that he left her often for periods of time but that he always came back. She said he treated her like a princess. She told me that she wanted to die. She lost her job, and had a DUI. The suffering is incredible. The lies are pathological. Their families cover for them. The abuse confuses otherwise emotionally healthy people. They eat away at our souls and take away our innocence and ability to love completely again.
Hit and run
They are a devastating storm that changes lives forever in the aftermath. They hit and run, never to be found guilty or to pay for the devastation, because people like this do not feel empathy and don’t understand the pain they have caused. They don’t have consciences and so they continue the devastation somewhere else. They don’t care and never did. They have become good at imitating the emotions that normal people display and truly feel. Still I try to make sense of something senseless, irrational. There are no answers, even in finding out the truth. I loved this man. I forgave him many times. He projected all his sins on to me. He called me names and verbally abused me. He left me often. He lied and cheated. And for a while, even my friends and family thought me to be the one who was insane — because I still loved him and forgave him and I let him back in. Still he walked away blaming me and talking badly about me. I want that loving innocence back again. I despise him, mostly for stealing that away from me.
It can happen to anyone
I have read many books, participated in blogs and message boards, have corresponded with professionals and have had therapy with a wonderful doctor who understands sociopathy and personality disorders. Still there is no logic and there is no closure. It must be found through realizing:
1. I was targeted at a vulnerable time.
2. I was targeted because of the good qualities about me.
3. He is not a good man. He is disordered and will never heal or improve.
4. He did this to others and will continue to do this.
5. My good standards will not be lowered again and I have a zero tolerance for what I have learned is the definition of abuse.
6. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
Abuse is not just verbal or physical. It comes in many forms. At a minimum I require respect, honesty, integrity and it must be displayed by way of actions, not words. This man was not able to follow through on anything. His actions were almost never consistent with his words. He is simply a fake, a phony, a con man, who conned me into giving him my heart, my love and almost my mind and soul. Not one thing was real about him, not his body, or his being. I don’t think I will ever forgive him and I certainly will never forget. I have, however, forgiven myself, as I have learned that this can happen to ANYONE. None of us is free from the grasp of the sociopath.
Learn more — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Nov. 12, 2008.
Announcing the True Lovefraud Stories podcast
That is why everyone needs to change their humanly perceptions of what happened. As soon as you realize your spiritual self is still on the right path … that you did nothing wrong than love another human being, you will see the bigger picture of what is really going on.
You are on the right path … just because someone that never wants to walk a righteous path wants to throw you off the course of righteousness, doesn’t mean anything! Remember, don’t buy into any of their unrighteous ways… for their feet run to evil. Stay away from them, for they bring death … (to your spiritual self).
Keep walking that righteous path in life and you will live.
All of God’s children face this test in life. The unrighteous do not make it easy for the righteous children of God. PERIOD, exclamation point!!!
Peace.
StarG: Why are you second guessing yourself? You did nothing wrong. You did everything right.
You should figure out why your EX will never walk a righteous path? Could it be the earthly pursuits of vices that are clouding his judgment?
You did what was expected of you. You loved, you gave what you had (earthly possessions) and you gave of yourself.
Anyone that doesn’t want a real loving, kind, decent, considerate etc. person is a FOOL!
Peace. (SMILE, it’s contagious)!
Dear LIG,
you DID communicate with the “mutual friend”, as also NO answer IS an answer (according to Paul Watzlawick “one cannot not communicate”), and he responded accordingly to your “Non-answer” by putting pressure on you by pushing a well known button, that almost did the trick. Because you listened to your feelings you came here and did the perfect thing by staying COOL! You made a great step, I think, that gives you tremendous power. The feeling of responding more to one’s own needs/feelings than responding to the “Calls of the button-pushers” is wonderful, isn’t it? You can be proud of youself! Big smile and hug!
libelle:
thank you for your comments. yes, i’m feeling pretty good about it. i’m sure my ex is stumped as hell, trying to figure out where my considerable curiousity has gone!
i’m definitely curious about him (is his gf REALLY pregnant?; did he REALLY tell his wife? is he REALLY happy without me; etc etc), but i ain’t THAT curious!! NC RULES!
you’re right; my silence certainly IS a statement. and it is incredibly empowering. i just had to get over that naggine genetic abnormality of mine to ALWAYS worry about how the other person is feeling at the exclusion of my own feelings.
today is going to be a great day. my girlfriend gave me $200 to buy myself some new winter boots, so i’m going shopping. then my minister is doing a ‘healing circle’ at 1 p.m. then i’m going to the movies with my friend. then a glass of wine, and watching CNN Heroes at 8 p.m. … everyone should watch this show. i caught just the end of it the other night…SO inspiring.
everyone have a great day, too.
TOWANDA!!!!
LIG:
I’m sorry you invested 20 years in this guy. Back up a little. Your last post says he is married? Was he married the entire time he was with you?
hi Iwonder…
no, he wasn’t married the whole time. i moved away for five years and he got someone pregnant (surprise) and had a daughter while i was gone. he didn’t marry her until she got pregnant again a few years later. he called me all upset that he wasn’t in love with her and told her so. he begged me to come back to him for two years before i relented. he was going to leave her (big surprise) to be with me. then i came back (when he found the RIGHT button) — “our relationship is SO spiritual and emotional” — he realized that my spiritual life was key so he plugged into that to get me back. (bigger surprise).
then i came back to the city to be with him, and all was well (i was in no rush for him to leave his wife for some reason) — i liked the part time gig because he was SO high maintenance. (even bigger surprise). he didn’t start abusing me until his mom died last year, then he lost ALL boundaries and found a new gf (when i started calling him on his abuse and disappearing acts), got HER pregnant (the FINAL surprise), and then i kicked his sorry (but fine) butt out!
good freakin’ riddance!
towanda!
hope you all have a lovely day.
lostingrief: Many men I’ve met over my life … either married or in committed live in relationships have tried to start a relationship with me on the side … oh, they love me and want to be with me and they never met anyone like me!
My answer: Get a divorce or break up with the live in … and after a year or two of being on your own and you have no committed relationship going on … then come back and then we’ll talk.
Funny, they never did have that second conversation with me … after the baby, baby, baby … I looooooovvvvvveeeeeeeeee you.
Reminds me of the movie with Sandra Bullock … she’s in rehab for her drinking addiction … those in the dry out clinic have to learn to live their lives without the crutch of their drug of choice … the picking up the horse’s hoof … and the plant and pet theory … get a plant … and after a year, if your plant is still living … then get a pet … and after a year if the pet didn’t run off because you neglected it … then and only then can you start thinking about being in a relationship.
Peace.
lostingrief: Good for you that you loved for 20 plus years … too bad he couldn’t feel or know how great it was to be loved like that. Too bad he so far away from God that he’s broken so as to not be able to appreciate love.
You’re on the right path … sorry he never put one foot on that path.
We are suppose love all our fellow children of God.
You will find that right person for you that will love you in return for you giving them love. A mutual love shared by both.
Peace.
i just got back from a meeting group with my minister. it was all about …. drum roll … forgiveness.
it’s incredible that no matter what i’m going through, my church is there with lessons and ideas for healing. it was wonderful; about 15 of us attended, and i feel like a million bucks right now. so much love and understanding.
btw, if you haven’t seen it already, at 8 p.m. tonite on CNN, there’s a Heroes show … it’s very inspirational. i’m going to watch it again!
Wini:
You are so right on. Anytime you enter into a relationship with someone who is with someone else winds up always with someone getting hurt…either the one he is seeing on the side or the one he leaves behind. This is because they lie to rope you in from the get-go. I believe the best relationships start anew..with no one getting hurt.
LIG: We are free and clear now to pick someone available. 100% available. I’m not going to short-change myself again.
Won’t it be wonderful to have someone all to ourselves? I believe these rats who need several women in their lives are short-changing everone..even themselves. They use us as leverage. Their control is that they can abuse you and leave you at anytime because they have someone else waiting in the wings. First I was the woman who he used to get out of a relationship. Then he used the next one to get out of our relationship, etc. For awhile, he had it going on. He was getting free meals and a roof over his head with me and a car. He was going to the OW’s house for free meals and sex and money. He was using BOTH OF US to pick his son up from school because he was working. That’s how I found out about her…she picked up the kid before I did one day and left her name on the nurse’s register. See, why take care of your son when others can do it for you?? Why provide him with clothes and a roof over his head when you can get that for free?? User.
Oh, and the OW “forgave him” when she found out he really never left me like he said he did 8 months before I found out. Now she’s going to get it. Once you forgive a cheater and a liar, it gives him the comfort that he can do it again and she’ll forgive him again. We have to learn that next time we see a red flag of a lie, bam! out the door. Also, I’m never going to live with a guy again unless I have a ring, a date set and then married. Another big lesson. Never give money to a man. Never put his name on the deed to your home either. Never put a car loan in your name for him to have a car..unless you are married…then it’s ok. Boy did I take it up the but to learn those lessons.