Editor’s Note: In this post, another Lovefraud reader tells her story of being deceived by a sociopath.
He was an attractive, well built-man for his 47 years. When we met three years ago, I thought he was extremely handsome and charming. He was fun to be around, and seemed to crave the same physical and emotional contact as I did. He said he was not married and that he had just ended a relationship with a woman he had been dating because she was pressuring him to meet his daughters and he was not ready for that kind of intimacy.
Over a short period of time, about four weeks, he talked about his abusive mother, his time in the Navy as a SEAL and a reservist. He suffered from the same kind of distant relationship with his wife as I had with my husband. He said she had mental problems and was very abusive toward him. Our values and standards seemed very similar. A graduate of University of New Mexico, he claimed, he wanted to be a doctor at one point and had done quite well on the entrance exam. He just couldn’t afford it He seemed smart, with a great sense of humor.
He seemed very intuitive and was extremely responsive to me. I had been married for 20 years to a man who didn’t pay attention. I craved this kind of physical and emotional attention. He was loving, affectionate, generous. He loved taking me places and out to dinner (which my ex-husband refused to do). He gave me his time and did so willingly. When we weren’t together we talked for hours on the phone. He was on the road a lot working in sales and seemed to value hard work. He said he had worked three jobs at one point so that his ex-wife could stay at home with their children and so that he could afford the lifestyle they enjoyed (home on a golf course, home on a lake). I envied this as I had always worked full-time at the demand of my husband.
Says he’s in love
We saw each other a few times and within a month he called one evening and told me he was in love with me. It was sweet. He was adorable. On our next meeting, he was so romantic and attentive. At one point he asked me how I felt about people who killed other people. I was stunned but thought it must have something to do with his work as a SEAL. It was like he needed to talk about something and I wished he would just open up to me. That very next day he called me and told me he could not see me anymore because he was in love with me and his intuition from all of his abuse was telling him that he would only get hurt. I was devastated. Had I done or said something wrong? I was in the process of relocating. He knew that, but the distance did not seem unsurmountable. There was no talking to him. He refused my calls and by the end of the week he did speak to me and told me his ex-wife had had some surgery and he was going to move her into his home and was going to take care of her while she recovered. He said she was crazy but he had to do this.
About four months later, I contacted him to let him know I was settled in my new location and my divorce was moving forward. He asked if he could visit me. He missed me and wanted to reconnect. I was so happy and excited. We spent a few weekends together. It was during one of those weekends that he told me he was married and had been all along. That was the first red flag and I should have kicked him to the curb then. We were away on a very romantic weekend in a small cabin in the mountains. His weekend was filled with drama (calls from his wife and daughter). They thought he was on a hunting trip. He told me his intention was to leave his wife within the next two months and that almost everything had been ironed out because they had been separated and close to divorce previously. He had already been looking for an apartment. I asked him about the woman with whom he had a relationship and he said he had an affair with her that lasted a short time and he regretted it almost immediately. He did not love her. He was so lonely and felt so abused by his wife. I was already in love with him. It was that weekend that he told me he could easily be married to me and that he wanted me to meet his daughters.
Little boy demeanor
Mostly, he had this little boy demeanor about him. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he talked about his mother’s physical and emotional abuse. I couldn’t stand to even listen to it. I can’t even watch movies that have anything to do with abusing children. He cried when he told me the story about being tortured as a Navy SEAL. He said his captors hooked electrodes to his testicles and shocked him. He couldn’t stand to listen to the cries of his SEAL partner also being tortured along side him. When the event finally ended and they were rescued he said he had killed his captor. He explained that he believes his testicles are smaller than normal because of this torturous event. He talked about how he wanted to go to Iraq and work for Blackwater consulting. He said he had been offered the opportunity to do so because of his SEAL background. Again, that little boy quality of wanting to just run away from it all. His daughters were very demanding and he talked about some of the problems he had with them over the years. He described his older daughter has lacking a “social filter” and said his younger daughter was bi-polar. They were both adults now but still extremely demanding financially. He seemed like a good father. He could not say no to them.
In the coming months he found he was being relocated to the city where I was living. “It was fate,” as he stated. What a coincidence. We were meant to be together. He felt higher powers were bringing us together. In that time he began talking more about his life as a SEAL and how he was also working part time consulting for the NSA (National Security Agency). He said he was an explosives expert and he had helped the NSA to plan the deaths of terrorists. Little by little he gave me additional information about his “part-time job” as he called it. At one point he told me he had killed seven people. On a trip to Canada, he introduced me to a woman, whose appearance was questionable, who he said had been one of his informants. I now believe she was one of his girlfriends who he frequented in his many travels.
Meeting his daughters
He did relocate. I met his daughters. It was not easy. His oldest, now 24, would call constantly to berate him for leaving her (she was away in college and living with her fiance). She eventually told her father she hated me. On many occasions she appealed to him by saying “She doesn’t like me daddy.” She also told him she was getting married simply because she felt insecure about him leaving her. Subsequently, her marriage lasted five months. He and his daughter had what I would call an emotionally incestuous relationship. They discussed personal and sexual things that I thought were inappropriate. She physically hung on him like a lover and spoke to him as though she had ownership. It was disturbing. His younger daughter was also manipulative but in a different way.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
Initially, I tolerated the drama, the emotional outbursts, the bad behavior and much disrespect from his daughters. Each time we would go away together his older daughter would call incessantly and would tell him her disapproval of our relationship. His younger daughter would call and tell him how he should have been with her instead. On one occasion his ex-wife called to tell him she had herpes and got it from using her sister’s towel (so he said). I think that maybe she called to tell him he had given her herpes, but he eventually told me she was lying about all of it simply to try to keep him from having sex with me or anyone. This was normal in his life. I can’t begin to write all of the stories and drama, cancelled trips because of the drama. I chalked it up to his divorce and the trauma of the family separation.
Calls from the NSA
There were many restricted calls on his cell phone at all hours of the night. He insisted that the calls were form a former NSA partner who was in trouble. He cried because he was not able to have contact with this man outside of official business. He decided that he was going to leave the NSA and actually went to Fort Mead one day (so he said) to be debriefed as he left this covert role. He seemed so dedicated to his work. He wore dog tags around his neck. He showed me his Navy SEAL trident pin. He gave my son a SEAL cap and t-shirts. He said he had used aliases and had traveled the world doing this work for the NSA. I asked him how this was possible while working full time and he said that some of his work was done on his own as he did his regular full-time job, but when he traveled for the NSA he just took vacation time here and there. He said his wife didn’t pay much attention and never called him when he was out of town so she never knew. He also talked about how he used a satellite phone so his wife could not see his caller ID when he called home from abroad. That was why he restricted his number on his cell phone.
He left town one day for a nine-hour trip in the car to visit his younger daughter. I spoke to him late in the afternoon and he should have been at his destination but he was not. He started crying and said he had to re-route to visit with some former NSA people. The friend who had reached out to him had been killed. He said, “If the FBI comes knocking on your door or anyone ever tells you I died of a drug overdose, don’t believe it, because I would never do that.” The stories were becoming too bizarre. I wanted to believe him but something did not seem right. The emotional outbursts and crying seemed to always come at a time when I would find later he was not truthful about something.
A few months later his older daughter started to send emails to me telling me that my children were not invited to her wedding. It caused a big argument right before his birthday. I asked him to please handle it; that it was between them. He blamed me. I had rented a house for his daughters and he and I to spend the weekend. He left me at home and went alone.
Uncovering the lies
We did eventually get back together. The next few months I uncovered that he had lied to me about his homes. He had not worked three jobs. His primary home had been given to him by an aunt. He had sold stock, which was given to him by another aunt, as a down payment on his lake home. His mother had given him money for three years after his father’s death. I also uncovered that he had not earned the salary he quoted to me. I suspect that he was embezzling from his mother as she lay dying in a nursing home. As if this was not enough.
Again, he tried to hide the truth through another emotional outburst claiming to be ill and have been throwing up blood. He apologized, bought me an engagement ring and wedding bands. We started building a home together. A month later we had completed selections for our home. He fought with me again, accusing me of sleeping with and dating other men. He disregarded me for two days. I went to his apartment to speak with him, only to find him in bed with a woman 18 years younger than he, who he picked up the night before in a biker bar. I was traumatized. He accused me of cheating and told me I drove him to this behavior.
Never a SEAL
I reached out to people at the POW Network who put me in touch with a former Navy SEAL and author, who assisted me in finding the truth. The truth was this man had served four months in the Navy before being discharged. Not only was he not a SEAL, he never worked for the NSA. No Navy SEAL has ever been a POW. His dog tags were not real, nor was his trident pin or SEAL diving watch. And all the articles of clothing he gave away and wore, could be purchased online. I confronted him with all that I had learned. He insisted that I was wrong. While having this conversation with him I noticed he had a SEAL banner hanging in his apartment. It was new. I asked him why a 50-year old man would hang a SEAL banner above his bed. He had supposedly not been a SEAL for 30 years. Then I asked him if it attracts young girls who adore his service as a SEAL as they sit on top of him in his bed.
Abusing steroids
I found used and unused needles in his apartment and in his trash. It was then that I realized the lies covered up other lies. He was abusing steroids. I tried to appeal to his sister, thinking she may get him some help. She made excuses for him. I did not understand even then what I was dealing with. I blamed myself for a long time. I tried to make sense of it all and to rationalize the bad behavior, the steroid abuse, the lies. Everything was a lure — his body, his stories, his lies. I don’t think he is a graduate of the university but I have not been able to verify that.
His testicles were not small from the torture he said he had suffered. They were small because he was suffering the result of steroid abuse. It’s also why he shaved his head (hair loss). At the time he was also being tested for heart, liver and kidney problems and was being treated for high blood pressure. These are all symptom of steroid abuse. This man was physically sick, but also a pathological liar. He then decided to be a bouncer at the biker bar where his new girlfriend worked. She was on welfare with three illegitimate children, had cancer and kept getting kicked out of homes and apartments because she couldn’t pay her bills (according to him). They were also “just friends” according to him, because he never wanted to take care of her or her children. Keep in mind, I have an advanced degree, a beautiful home, a responsible job. I pay my bills and I am an attractive woman for my 47 years. I could not understand any of it.
After the devastation
A year later and I am trying to heal from this devastating fraud. I believe now that he is a sociopath and I was targeted. I also believe that the drama in his life is a result of his sociopathy. I believe his older daughter is also a sociopath and that his younger daughter may be misdiagnosed as bipolar. I met the worst possible person at the worst possible time. My head was reeling and my heart could not keep up. How did I get so wrapped up in someone like this when clearly all the red flags were there? For a period of time, I dropped my guard and my boundaries. I did it because I was lonely. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I cared deeply for this man, who had been so badly abused. In the process, I allowed him and his badly behaved adult daughters to abuse me too.
A few months ago I heard he had a heart attack. I started searching obituaries thinking that maybe he died. I searched the Internet and found his name and face on the POW Network as a man who has potential to be prosecuted for violating the Stole Valor Act of 2006. There are many men like him on this web page. The people there were extremely helpful to me and they do fantastic work. THIS is his only crime. I had contact with the woman he said he had a short affair with. I found that he met her in the same exact place he met me. He spewed the same lines. He took us to the same places for weekend trips. He told this woman he was in process of a divorce but I don’t believe he had never been separated from his wife. He had an affair with her for a year and a half — then one day he called and told her he was getting back together with his wife. And that was the last she heard from him. Cold and heartless, he is gone from her life.
What kind of love is that? She said that he left her often for periods of time but that he always came back. She said he treated her like a princess. She told me that she wanted to die. She lost her job, and had a DUI. The suffering is incredible. The lies are pathological. Their families cover for them. The abuse confuses otherwise emotionally healthy people. They eat away at our souls and take away our innocence and ability to love completely again.
Hit and run
They are a devastating storm that changes lives forever in the aftermath. They hit and run, never to be found guilty or to pay for the devastation, because people like this do not feel empathy and don’t understand the pain they have caused. They don’t have consciences and so they continue the devastation somewhere else. They don’t care and never did. They have become good at imitating the emotions that normal people display and truly feel. Still I try to make sense of something senseless, irrational. There are no answers, even in finding out the truth. I loved this man. I forgave him many times. He projected all his sins on to me. He called me names and verbally abused me. He left me often. He lied and cheated. And for a while, even my friends and family thought me to be the one who was insane — because I still loved him and forgave him and I let him back in. Still he walked away blaming me and talking badly about me. I want that loving innocence back again. I despise him, mostly for stealing that away from me.
It can happen to anyone
I have read many books, participated in blogs and message boards, have corresponded with professionals and have had therapy with a wonderful doctor who understands sociopathy and personality disorders. Still there is no logic and there is no closure. It must be found through realizing:
1. I was targeted at a vulnerable time.
2. I was targeted because of the good qualities about me.
3. He is not a good man. He is disordered and will never heal or improve.
4. He did this to others and will continue to do this.
5. My good standards will not be lowered again and I have a zero tolerance for what I have learned is the definition of abuse.
6. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
Abuse is not just verbal or physical. It comes in many forms. At a minimum I require respect, honesty, integrity and it must be displayed by way of actions, not words. This man was not able to follow through on anything. His actions were almost never consistent with his words. He is simply a fake, a phony, a con man, who conned me into giving him my heart, my love and almost my mind and soul. Not one thing was real about him, not his body, or his being. I don’t think I will ever forgive him and I certainly will never forget. I have, however, forgiven myself, as I have learned that this can happen to ANYONE. None of us is free from the grasp of the sociopath.
Learn more — Don Shipley: Exposing phony Navy SEALs
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Nov. 12, 2008.
Announcing the True Lovefraud Stories podcast
I’ve just started reading abot people like my husband, a sociopath. That is still hard to say. We are seperated and I am finding out many lies. I’ve looked away from red flags in the past but now it is really bad. He is taking money (thousands)and I have no idea what it is being spent on. I confront him and he gets defensive and says I’m playing games. I literally walked past his truck in an Apt. complex where he should not be and he still lies saying he is staying with his parents. He is a totally different person. He is mean, angry, defensive, and doesn’t seem like he cares at all or is hurt over us. I don’t know what to do! The hurt is unbarable sometimes. I don’t understand how someone can do this. I love him so much an try to just see this ugly side of him. I am seroiusly in shock. I want him to at least care and hurt like I do. I’m trying to play the game for now until I can find another job and relocate. It’s so hard, he’s out there “doing his thing” spending money etc. I am working on myself and he doesn’t see that. He says I must be so bored that I have nothing better to do but make up stories about him. He says he doesn’t want a divorce and I don’t know why. I just need to talk to people that understand and will listen. How do we get past he point of still loving them even though we know they lie and be ok with the fact that they just throw us aside? Again, it is painful that he doesn’t seem to care and is out having fun. He might evevn be staying with someone else. I want to be smart and not lose everything else but I want his heart to be as broken as mine. There is no talking to him because he gets mad ans defensive about everything!
Sorry if I’m going on and on.
Welcome ladybug: First, read all you can to understand what “they” are all about, and how he can not feel for you or anyone else for that matter.
Don’t be fooled or jealous over the next victim he brings into his life. He will most likely gloat about this new relationship in his life. That relationship too, is just a stepping stone for him to get what he wants.
You my dear, was just a stepping stone for what he wanted to do in his life, when he wanted to do it. That’s why you see his meanness now. He is showing you the true him as his mask of niceness and normalcy came off.
Now, you (as the rest of us) aren’t necessary anymore, after they used us to get what they wanted and where they wanted to go. What that is, is individual for each and everyone of them and who cares anyway what it is that they want that they can’t do on there own. GREED, most likely is the ulterior motive behind his smiles … and what fuels his life. This is just a guess, it could be one of the multitude of negative vices that are running concurrently with greed.
Know this, if it helps you at this time in your life. WE are all in this together and you will heal from this horrific pain. I promise you that you will heal and grow from this experience. It just takes time. For now, stay away from him. NO CONTACT. No contact for a reason … so that you can see clearly again and get those clouds he so cleverly put in front of your eyes and how he clouded your mind with his lies.
Sorry to hit you with the TRUTH so fast on your first writing, but know it’s not your fault. It is what he is all about, and how he will never take responsibility for his words or his actions.
For now, don’t answer the phone, do not read his e-mails, do not talk with his family or friends (ha-ha, I mean acquaintances). NO contact for your own healing.
Blog with us anytime you need to chat. Who ever is on-line at the time you write, will gladly write you back.
Peace to your heart and soul.
ladybug: welcome to LF.
i’m so sorry for your pain. all of us here know exactly what you are experiencing.
unfortunately, his heart will never be as broken as yours. the first thing to understand (and it helps once you do) is that he is NOT like other people. (personally, i don’t think they’re even people!) he does not have emotions, or feelings, or any sort of understanding (or caring) about who he hurts or how much. it seems that he has definitely found another victim. but the point now it to take care of yourself.
the reason he doesn’t want a divorce is because you serve a purpose, whatever that is to him. my ex-s/p/n never divorced his wife because he said, ”she is the nanny. she takes care of my kids.” see, a purpose. he doesn’t love her (or anyone else for that matter), but she has her ”role” in his life. why get rid of her? she lived in his house with his kids which makes him look ”normal”, he was living with me during the week, and had god-knows-how-many other females on the side (before he got his new gf pregnant and i threw him out!). he got away with all of it. in their minds, ”the more (to suck off of), the merrier!”
you must get out of this situation. he will not change. he will not care. he will not tell the truth. ever. when you think he is telling the truth (even if he admits he’s with someone else) he will also spin that so you are even more confused than before.
it’s what they do. it’s NOT personal (this is still a hard one for me to get my brain around), but i know in my heart it’s true. it’s not that he did it to YOU, he does it to everyone.
do what you need to do to get away from him, physically and emotionally. here, we talk about no contact. NC. it’s critical to our survival and to our healing.
there is no talking our way out of the pain. you just have to dismiss the s/p/n’s the same way they dismissed all of us.
the road is long and hard, but we are all here to help you.
be well.
this might be a bit off subject but my ex s path is still hell bent on revenge over me, after 3 years since. well i was watching two and a half men the tv program the other night. and this woman was venting at charlie, and charlie puts on his puppy dog voice and says i understand, i understand, he keeps repeating it over and over its all he says to her complaining about her personal problems, t was very funny. but you know what i realised this is what my ex does whenever i talk about my feelings or the way he treats me or whatever he says i know ,i know and thats all he says just repeating this over and over. so when charlie on the tv show did it i was like now i know where he got this from he loves that stupid show and wathes it all the time, my goodness he even uses tv shows to copy his words from too. so sad but iwas really gob smacked when i watched it talk a bout a reality check. thanks anyone else found this hapening….
jules: I find that typical … since we are learning.
1. They never look inside themselves to figure out what they are doing is wrong, or painful, or what isn’t good for them. They focus outside themselves and point their fingers to blame everyone else for their problems … aka US (LOL).
2. Since they never look inside themselves to resolve any of their issues … the issues continue over and over again. You would think they’d want to unload this baggage, and in a way they do, by dumping it in our laps… and down the path of life they go to start it all over again with their newest victim.
3. If they never look inside themselves to figure out and fix their own problems … that tells me they view everything in life myopically … never learning how to step back to see the bigger picture of anything in life … except that the world is big and they can play hide and seek until the law comes after them.
4. Revenge … oh, yes. Always have to have revenge, after all … it was the other person to blame, never them.
I still have an EX room mate (who was also a co-worker) that moved into my home and took it over within a matter of hours after moving in. This chic was into crack cocaine … which I found out days later when I caught her and her husband smoking it. Well, I told them to move out … that took days to happen, and I did get them out of my life … then they got sued by the landlord they burned for rent before moving in with me … they turned around and sue me in small claims for the same amount of money they were being sued for. Their former landlord and his sister, came to court to testify on my behalf …
The truth came out … they were to pay me … but, the catch 22 is … even though you win in court, doesn’t mean they will pay you a dime … so of course, what they stole is what they stole, what they didn’t pay me was what they continue to this day, not to pay me … last time I knew of her life, she was on her 7th husband … and that was a few years ago, so I assumed she’s had two more marriages in between the last time I checked.
This woman plays her parents for everything they are worth, plays co-workers/friends/husbands for anything they are worth. I was the maid of honor in her first marriage … I went and talked with her priest … who told me, he knew there was something wrong with her … and everyone, including her parents covered it up. He was glad I gave him another insight … that he could now consider her a bona fide “Trouble maker” in their community and congregation.
To this day, she still nails me any chance she can … and this happened in 1994.
Peace.
ladybug:
I just made it through my first full week. My ex took off with all of my money, my heart and my soul last Friday. I totally understand what you mean when you say you want him to suffer as much as you are suffering. I feel that way every morning when I wake up crying and every night when I am crying myself to sleep. But I have learned from all of the stuff I have read and all of these good people on this blog that he is not capable of suffering. It’s a hard concept for people like us to understand. Hugs to you as you start the journey to healing.
bird:
Thanks for the book recommendation. I’m going to buy it today. It will give me a reason to leave the house.
brokenhearted: something that has helped me a lot, even though i can barely wrap my brain around it at all yet, is that it isn’t personal. they do it to everyone they come into contact with. it’s like buying a ginger ale. you drink it. the bottle is empty. you throw it in the trash.
they think of people this way. ALL people. not just us, who got used and abused, and taken for a sick ride.
it’s all they know. use this person for this. use that person for that. when they’re all used up, throw them away and get new people with new things to replace them.
it’s very mechanical. not much thought behind it.
still not sure why the continue to call, though. my ex called me after 3 months of NC. the last conversation before that he told me he hated me … didn’t even LIKE me … that no man would ever want me … and he’d always have a vendetta against me. then, next call three months later: i need your advice, i need to speak with you, you know i gravitate toward you when things are serious, and they are, call me back on my cell asap …
WHAT??? WHATEVER!
NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC
let him stew in whatever is so serious. uh, gee a-hole, can’t your new, gorgeous, perfect, amazing, rich, smart prego girlfriend give you ADVICE!? or how about your long-suffering wife who can’t ever reach you or find you night after night.
TOWANDA!!!!!!!
lostingrief: He’s only calling after 3 months to check on his property. You being his property. He wants to access the damage he’s done in your life and see how much more of the strings on you, he can pull.
It’s no more than accessing the damage to the property of theirs.
Peace… KEEP the no contact going … not even to explain anything you’ve learned about them to them.
P.S. He could want something too … there’s always something else that they want from you.
thanks wini…
i haven’t called him back and have NO plans to.
however, when he left the message (which i should NOT have listened to), he said: i hope life is treating you well and that your new boyfriend is too.
THAT INFURIATES ME!!! he just assumes i have a new boyfriend just like that!? it made me want to call him back and rage. does he really think i’m a ho like HE is? that you just dump someone you loved for 20 years and move on in a day or a month?
maybe he said it because he knew it would infuriate me and that would make me call back. i dunno. but i can’t stop wanting to, in some way, let him know i don’t want any man ANYWHERE near me!
grrrrrr ….
lostingrief: He doesn’t know whether you have a boyfriend or not. He’s just feeling you out to find out whether you have replaced him or not. After all, you can’t just stop cold turkey on your own … don’t you know that (LOL). There has to be someone else distracting you from falling apart over missing him … and pining.
And then again, his sheep (you) wander too far from his field … and hearing or seeing him again, is suppose to put you in a tizzy all over again.
Remember. He calls, comes over, does … only for himself. It is not about you (and I know you hate this line, but it’s true) … it’s all about him … can’t have his sheep wandering too far from the fold.
Good for you sweetie, keep up the NO CONTACT.