LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Once upon a time, I would do anything for love, but not anymore

To holehearted:
I feel your pain, because I, too, had reached the end. I have been married for 37 years and am in the process of getting out of that and in the midst of that troublesome time, I met a man who I truly thought was a God send and he was going to take me and my children away from the awful marriage. Years of living with my husband had drained me emotionally and he had a way of making me feel worthless. I felt for a long time that I was the most unlovable woman God ever created. Then this really handsome man came along and noticed me. I thought my time had finally arrived. That was the beginning of a bizarre adventure for me.

I had little to no experience where men are concerned, other than negative. I always figured if my husband and his brothers represented the male segment of society, then spare me another one. But this man, who insisted we are friends, saw me in a different light. So I thought. I never had an inkling that one person could do and think the happenings that he created. He had to lay awake nights figuring how to pull one over on me. It took me a long time to beat him at his game. I’m much older and very much wiser for all that happened. I’m still not sure what his ultimate goal was, but I’m working on my own agenda. I’ve wanted a real home, and thought that’s what my husband and I were supposed to be doing. He hated every aspect of the marriage, except sex. I figured if someone only wanted me for sex, and not the rest, there’s not much sense in sticking around for a happening that’s over in a blink of an eye. So many of these men are so full of themselves, they don’t have room for us.

I believe, with God’s help, that we can do and be what we want and not be at the mercy of a mere man, who doesn’t care about our wants, needs and desires. I’m thankful for sites such as this, to inform those of us who really want something more out of life. Had I known what a sociopath, narcissist, etc., were, I would have been spared a lot of grief. But I guess it was all about building my character and becoming strong in my own right. Realizing that we can have a new beginning, by ourselves. I didn’t know that I, too, had options. I was so impressionable when I married, that I dedicated my heart, not knowing, that my husband’s heart never left home. I was putting emotions into a bottomless pit. He guarded his heart, and I allowed mine to be exposed. I’ve realized the one who cares the most, hurts the most. I refuse to just do it someone else’s way, if I’m not part of the picture.

And for your sake, if you are pregnant, you will have new life to give you new purpose. There are lots of agencies out here to give you lots of help. It’s important to have goals. Don’t give up on yourself. You are important. It took me losing most of what I have, to find out that I am okay. I do a self analysis and know that I don’t create the havoc others do. But I refuse to be a victim anymore. And if someone truly loved us, they wouldn’t be constantly hurting us. True love is unconditional. I know that sounds lame, but it’s true. Altruistic love is the kind we want to find. If I can’t have that, I refuse to settle for anything less. I want peace and harmony in my life, and if I can’t have it with someone, I will have it by myself. The key is contentment. To be happy within. I have a deep belief in God and He has been my mainstay. I give Him the glory for keeping me sane, when all my world was falling apart.

But, I, too saw the significant other in my life through rose colored glasses, and kept making excuses for him, at my own expense. It wasn’t until I saw him for who he really was and admitted what he did and was capable of doing, did I finally start to heal. I’ve found, too, that by journaling, I get all my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. That way I’m not carrying them around with me all the time. That has helped my mind heal. And without a healing of the mind, the heart keeps breaking over and over. I journal the good and bad. It’s amazing how once you put it on paper, your mind gives a sigh. It’s like having someone to talk with. It’s a good catharsis.

But you will survive. Just the fact that you are acknowledging your problem, is a big step to healing. One day at a time. You have to look inside to find the strength you need and not be at the mercy of someone who will take advantage of you. I hope that you find the healing you so deserve.

I, too, so appreciate all the comments that are being made. How I wish there was something like this years ago. I had no idea that people were capable of doing the things they do. I, too, thought if the outside was impeccable, the inside had to be too. Such naivete. Being married to someone who loved me and hated me, and I never knew which was the real, to come out in the world to work, and meet a really handsome man who noticed me, only to take a broken heart and break it even further, has set such a guard around me heart, that I don’t know if I can ever let someone in again.

The man I met, who I thought was a God send and was going to take me away from an awful marriage, led me on such a merry chase. I had experienced awful anger through my husband, and this man, who kept calling us friends, used my weaknesses and kindness to extract money and emotions from me, without giving anything in return. If I complained about the lack of anything, he would go so far as to say that I ought to be glad he even stops. I told him he should be glad I let him.

It’s almost completely over and I feel so relieved. After all he’s done to me, if I contact him, he says I’m bothering him or disturbing him and interrupting his time. What audacity! When I first met him, I couldn’t understand why his wives divorced him. He’s very suave and somewhat sophisticated, and to have him notice someone like me, I thought he had to have been sent. But I know now that God wouldn’t punish me in that way. He was a lesson for me to learn. And learn I did. But now I’m so leery of men, I think they are all out to get me like he and my husband did. I’ve been stood up, set up, knocked down, belittled, devalued, mocked, pressured, and all the other negative adjectives that describe the actions of a sociopath, narcissist, etc.

I wish I had this knowledge 30 years ago. I could have been spared a lot of grief. But at least I’ve had an awakening and I won’t fall into that pit again. I know the signs and I’m always on the alert. I can’t understand how someone can call what they are doing love or friendship. I think the only way to beat them at their game, is to quit playing and just walk away. Much wiser. I think if they died, I could no longer grieve, because I’ve done so much grieving over the pain they have caused. That kind of saddens me that a life lived causing so much angst in others, isn’t much of a life lived. Maybe they see us as the warped ones. I do know that I don’t cause the kind of pain that has been heaped on me. And by reading the posts here, we could probably write each other’s stories. I see me and my situation in many of the writings. I guess it’s a comfort to know we aren’t alone. Misery really does like company. At least we can relate. There is no relating to these kinds of men. No empathy and very little sympathy for any plights. But if they are in need, stop the presses. I seek mutuality and equality, when it comes to a relationship and if I can’t have that, I will go it alone. I like myself better now than I ever did. If these kind did anything, they forced me to look inward and find my own strength and boldness, and be able to say, I’m just as good. I hope everyone who has been subject to this kind of treatment, would find this site and really listen and learn. Life really is good and we don’t have to have it marred with the negative treatment of someone who doesn’t really care.