Editor’s note: This essay was submitted to the Lovefraud Blog by a reader who comments as “AlohaTraveler.”
I have thought about this for a long time. I have decided I am not going to tell you my story, at least not today. I have read the stories of other contributors and even more of visitors who have just discovered this site and posted their story in the blog comments. Believe me, I understand the need to tell someone what he/she did to you and your life. You just want someone to understand, because you don’t. You don’t understand why he did what he did. But worse, you don’t understand why you let it happen or why you tolerated the intolerable far beyond reason. You don’t know why you ignored the red flags, neon signs, the sirens, and the atomic bombs going off all around you. Now you are sitting in a pile of rubble that once was your life and you don’t know what to do next. You found this website, LoveFraud, because you have been through HELL.
Welcome. Take a moment to thank God that you are here! Believe it or not, it could have been worse.
I put an end to my nightmare on July 3rd, 2005, departing Maui on a plane headed for San Francisco. (Isn’t it funny how we all can remember the exact date?) I landed in California five and a half hours later to an avalanche of abusive text messages and voice mails. “How can you do this TO ME?” he asks. Huh? Every part of my life was damaged. In debt up to my eyeballs, my psychological, spiritual, and emotional lives were in a shambles, thanks to “Pastor Jeff” also known as “Captain Jeffrey” and “Maui Merman.” (I now refer to him simply as the “Bad Man.”) I was, to put it lightly, a basket case. I must add here that I don’t blame him entirely. There were signs that something wasn’t right with him after the third date. In fact, during the 14 months we were dating, there were many, many signs. There were many things he said and did that hit me in the stomach as not quite right, but I wanted love and he seemed to love me more than my wildest dreams thought possible. I noticed but ignored the signs.
As I write this today, October 13, 2007, I am in a much better place. I have just returned from my first visit back to Maui, the scene of the crime, as I call it. On the way there, I started to feel anxious right before the plane landed. I spent the first 2 days looking left and looking right, all the while repeating the mantra, “NO CONTACT” (the title of one of the most helpful entries in the LoveFraud Blog). As it turns out, I didn’t run into the Bad Man while there. One thing that took me by surprise though was that I had a few impulses to call the Bad Man. (God, that is hard to admit!) All it took was hearing about something bad that happened to him for my compassion to be triggered. But now I have the tools to stay on track because I know what he is and how he gets to me. My compassion and kindness are like open wounds and he is a Staph infection that takes over my body. I know what triggers me, how he got to me and I know how sick it is.
I have worked hard to regain control of my life, my self respect and the respect of others that I let down with all the drama and bad decisions I made connected to this Bad Man. Now, I know what a disordered person “looks” like. That is what LoveFraud is about. It’s recognizing that your story is already here. And once you see that, you are half way to understanding. You are here to get what happened and why in the bigger picture. It’s not about the details, “he did this, he did that.” Why were you triggered by this person and how did they get you to forget all the good sense you were born with? You need to know this so that you can release yourself from the spell. Does this ring a bell for you? Did you ask yourself, “Why am I allowing this to happen to me? I don’t recognize myself. Why can’t I stop?” I had to put an ocean in between myself and the Bad Man. I left behind my island dreams so that I could put a stop to the nightmare.
I understand why you want to tell your story. I did that too. I told it to myself over and over in the car. I yelled, I ranted, “And ANOTHER THING!!! blah blah blah.” I thrashed about in bed at night, arguing with him in my head, trying to make him see that it is wrong to treat someone the way he treated me. I did this for over a year. I held onto the fantasy that somehow, I could find the right thing to say so that he would really get how bad he was and he would be sorry and then he would shower me with the “Love” that he used to hook me in the first place. (I now refer to those first two weeks of euphoria as “Relationship Crack.”) He hooked me and I was a total junkie. I got hooked because I didn’t know it was dangerous at first. I thought I had met the love of my life. But, unfortunately, he was both the most seductive and destructive person I have ever encountered.
Now the “story” is irrelevant to me, and that is why I am not telling the details. (Believe me, it’s good enough for Dateline or LifeTime television.) What a Sociopath or a Borderline or a Narcissist does will never make sense to you because you live by a different set of rules. What is important is to know these individuals when you see them so that you won’t be drawn in by the details of their stories and manipulations. And you can let go of trying to make sense of it all based on how you do things and what drives you. That path will never lead to your healing. Ask yourself, do you ever feel better when you recount the details of the nightmare over and over? I don’t. It makes me cry, gives me anxiety attacks and sleepless nights.
Educating myself and putting a name on it (Borderline, Narcissist, Sociopath) has given me more peace than anything else. Pretend you met a person that drank alcohol every day. And then you noticed that they have black-outs, and you noticed that they hide alcohol and you noticed that they are in denial about how alcohol is negatively affecting their life and then one day, you come across information that informs you that all those things added up together equals ALCOHOLISM. Now you know. Now you know and you can spot an Alcoholic when you see one. For your purposes, it really doesn’t matter what they drink, or how sad their story is or how seductive they are. What matters is, you know what they are and how much it will end up hurting you and so you cut-your-losses and run as fast as you can the other way. Nothing else matters.
That is what you are doing here. You are learning to spot a Borderline, a Narcissist, a Sociopath, when you see one. You are here to learn that these kinds of individuals are looking for a person just like you. You are here to learn that there is nothing authentic about the “love” they offer you. You are here to learn how to be cautious when you notice your compassion and kindness and your willingness to see the best in people is triggered when it really shouldn’t be ”¦ like when danger signs are flashing and sirens are blaring inside of you. You are here to learn how to have healthy boundaries and to know when they are being crossed so that you put a stop to it immediately. I like to say now figuratively: It’s noble to throw yourself in front of a bus to save the one you love, but not if they are the one driving the bus!
The things I have learned on LoveFraud have helped me to get onto a path of healing. Accepting the label that fits has helped me tremendously to let go of the fake “love” he offered. I can see that his every action was simply a manipulation to get what he wanted out of me, and that my well being and happiness were NEVER on his agenda. You can bet that these things are top priority for me now. The details of what happened don’t matter to me anymore and I don’t need to tell them.
With Warmest Aloha,
E.R. aka “AlohaTraveler”
Go Girl! THANK YOU…moving past the need to tell the story myself. In a mode to help others see the truth and heal and discover who we really are as women. Why have we been so very naive and needy in our own way? Seeking answers to the powerful seduction I’ve found satisfying by these men. What is my growth? What have you discovered?
I think about him when I’m lonely. It’s been 5 mos. since I’ve seen him. On occassion, I have sleepless nights, nightmares, and difficulty focusing on my job.
What gets me is even though I’m done, it is still costing me. When will it end?
Prayer is the main thing that helps me when I feel tormented.
To done12,
I had many sleepless nights and I lost FOUR jobs during the first year I was home from Maui. I thought about what happened for 24 hrs/day for a long long time.
The thing that helped to set me free was educating myself about personality disorders. I understand now how he manipulated me and I understand how all the love was FAKE. It was all an illusion. Now I love myself, for real. That’s a start. It took something as bad as the Bad Man to get me to love myself. But hey, whatever it takes… I got it now.
Adhere to the NO CONTACT rule and learn about these characters so that you will recognize one when you see them and you will not get hurt in this way again.
There is light again after this…
Aloha… and all the best in your recovery and healing.
My saving grace is that the sociopath I just got rid of wont be back – he would have too much explaining to do. When things got uncomfortable with him, he would know how to run for the hills, leaving me with the emotional fallout and then punishing me by returning my gifts and following that with abusive txt messages and if i wrote or contacted him he knew how to block me, he would either get his sister to come round and warn me off, or he would threaten me that he would get the police for me harassing him by sending him a forthright letter. He knew his game and he was playing by his rules, I really only realised what his rules where at the end, that he was keeping one foot in the relationship with me but had his exit routes all planned out.
Beverly,
The best way to Cope is NO CONTACT. “No Contact” is the name of one of the most powerful essays in the Blogs.. at least for me. Find it and read it. It never ceases to amaze me when I read other people’s posts and comments how similiar things are… like a formula they follow. The text message thing, the gift thing… the game where they get you to look bad. Just walk away and never look back. His “friends” or his family are simply under his spell and he is playing them like pawns against you. You win by forfeiting the game.
You know, I had stacks of psycho emails from him but they were accusing me of so many false things that they made me look like a lunatic. I wanted to get help but the more I thought about trying to explain point by point how all these humliating accusations were false, the more I felt helpless and like no one would believe me. I was going crazy over all this in my head for so long and then I finally LET IT GO. (and my Bad Man is an ocean away terrorizing women in the islands still… but his games and his reputation are closing in on him.)
Anyway, to anyone reading this… hang in there. You will get better if you don’t engage.
Aloha…
Thanks Alohatraveler. Because my ex had a really bad childhood, I bought books to help him, photocopied articles from books and offered to give him 100 per cent committment and I paid for counselling. He wasnt interested AT ALL, threw my letters and articles away, declined the counselling and as he said in one abusive txt mgs to me ‘I aint kow towing to no-one especially you!’ – he told me he sorts his own problems out. That was one of my big MISTAKES I GOT HOOKED in on helping him and he clearly didnt want my help. I have spent thousands of hours thinking about him, writing about him like I have never done before – almost like post traumatic stress. I have posted more comments on the article under the woman who met a sociopath millionaire.
Hi Beverly,
I read all your comments. I did get hooked on trying to figure out the Bad Man. I think I lost my own mind for awhile. One of my friends in CA said she was so concerned when I called her once and I sounded “manic.” I remember this well and I do not have any disorders… well, maybe a little PTSD since the big event. I do remember that day. I called to tell my fried how happy I was and I was talking WAY TOO FAST… I couldn’t even breathe. That was so weird because normally, I am fairly calm.
Anyway, yes, I spent a long time trying to figure out my man, suggesting counseling which he thought was a good thing until I suggested it. I can tell a bunch of stories here but never mind. It was all nuts, nuts, nuts… and thinking about it too much makes me anxious.
I will never get hooked on helping someone else again. I know this is bad for me and as I write this, I realize there is someone that I am helping too much in my life right now and I am going to stop that immediately (and he’s a sweet guy). I just need to help ME.
I still need help, even with all my straight talk!
Have a lovely holiday and I hope you get to enjoy time with people that love you.
Aloha… Elise
Hi everyone new to this site…All I have to say is that I do feel invigoraed, when 1 door closes (or explodes in ur face) alot more open up including your eyes to see the truth for what it is, even though you are left with your jaw hitting the floor saying repeatedly what just happened???!!!!
Where did that come from ? Deep inside we always new it was coming, when was the real question, we put our blinders on for it, they are so dark no light enters.
It has only been since October 17 2007, that my explosion erupted. I am an RN surprise…who just finished school last May after being blown away I needed to feel the ground again quickly to get some form of sanity back into my life, it didnt make any sense, this drove me nuts so only a couple days ago I wrote down all his behaviors and things I thought were not quite right and decided i just finished school I can research this and figure it out, bam here I found you all and heres my reasons and i feel invigorated WOW!!!! I thank God every day I was capable of finishing school! I thank God every day for saving my life!!!! I have been through malor traumas in my life (hense the co-dependence) But I truly thought I would be locked up with the key tossed after this one!!! Again WOW!!! God bless everyone here for being strong enough to survive..survival of the fittest, I will also pray for the next victims of this horrible rollercoaster ride.
hi guys,
aloha, you nailed it.
i spent five years of my life and hundreds of dollars in self-help books – everything from codependency, abuse, anger, narcissism, manipulation – you name it, and i’ve read about it.
i went to counselor after counselor searching for answers.
they called me “codependent.” i got angry. i knew, above everything else, i was NOT codependent. i was the victim of a crime.
imagine the police telling the victim of a mugging that they wanted to be mugged, that something inside them was pulling them to the mugger.
hogwash. and through all of this, i knew that for sure.
but i did get hooked on trying to figure him out. trying to find the answer.
and i think that i needed to go through this process because i am the kind of person who feels i want to make a difference for someone, to make a difference in the world.
and it wasn’t until i had the name for it – whether it is narcisissim, socio or psycho or plain old abuser – that i could identify what i was up against.
once i had the correct information, i had the power to protect myself.
during our last conversation, my S, who is quite open about his lack of empathy and conscience – and wants someone to accept him without it – told me that he just doesn’t know what to do, that he doesn’t know how or why he hurts me, he just does.
he tells me he doesn’t know how to love someone, but if he could, it would be me.
i told him that i understood, that i know he is struggling to display human emotions he just doesn’t have, but that it is now time for me to protect myself. that there is no other way.
i can’t ask someone without legs to get up and walk. i can’t ask him to be human if he isn’t. a scorpion only knows how to sting. that’s where we are in this.
i am detaching with empathy for him. i told him that if he does “love” me, he will understand my need to protect myself from him and respect it by not contacting me anymore.
so far, so good. i don’t expect the peace to last though.
it will hurt a lot if he finds another girl, but i realize that he is a S, and that he needs to fill the void because he needs immediate relief from his distress. it is not about anything else.
and with every moment away from him, i don’t cry.
that is a big step.
i am sad, yes. but sadness i understand and can deal with. it is constant and i am living through it.
i know in time, it will pass. the insanity i had before was what i couldn’t live through.
i always explain this as though i am putting my beloved dog to sleep.
say you have this wonderful, perfect dog who is your life companion. he plays frisbee, sleeps on your bed and brings you the newspaper every morning. you two are inseparable.
but say one day this dog gets bitten by a racoon and contracts rabies.
there is no cure. the dog will never get better. he will never be the same dog who looked at you with love. you have to put him down because you realize that now he could kill you.
knowing what rabies is helps you to make clearer decisions about what you need to do.
still, having the information and the name does not take away the sadness, the absolute agony.
but unfortunately for us, it seems that society knows a lot more about rabies than it does about sociopathy.
that’s where i believe we come in and make a difference for others, and make a difference for the world.
i’ll bet the folks long ago – trying to put together the foaming mouth, aggressivness, suffering and death – were searching for answers too.
how many people do you think died waiting for their beloved dog to recover? they wanted a cure too. they wanted their dog back the way he used to be.
sometimes i am surprised to learn that we, as a society, have still so much to learn.
we don’t even know how long a whale lives!
i find that extremely hard to believe, but it is true. there is so much still unknown.
i truly believe there is a reason that we went through this. some good will come of it.
lilygirl.
Rabies, alcoholism, sociopaths… now we know.
As I read your words about wanting to make a difference for someone, I instantly thought of LoveFraud and of our selves. We make a difference in our own lives by recognizing our own unhealthy behavior. We share our experiences and we make a difference for the person reading and wondering if they have the strength to get away or to put a stop to the nightmare they are living.
Nothing I ever did or said to the Bad Man made a difference for him or in him. He was a lost cause and continuing to try and help him would have been a self sacrifice. But I can tell you know that.
As far as having empathy for a Scorpion, I hear what you are saying. I think the Bad Man wants love. I think it is sad that he is wired this way. Very sad. However, even when I have expressed compassion to him, he stung me so bad, I almost didn’t get up. Do you know what I mean? He’s just a dead end.
Thanks for reading my essay. All the best to you in your road to recovery. My Bad Man is an ocean away. If yours isn’t, create an ocean in your mind and set him on the other side.
Aloha……… E.R.