Editor’s note: This essay was submitted to the Lovefraud Blog by a reader who comments as “AlohaTraveler.”
I have thought about this for a long time. I have decided I am not going to tell you my story, at least not today. I have read the stories of other contributors and even more of visitors who have just discovered this site and posted their story in the blog comments. Believe me, I understand the need to tell someone what he/she did to you and your life. You just want someone to understand, because you don’t. You don’t understand why he did what he did. But worse, you don’t understand why you let it happen or why you tolerated the intolerable far beyond reason. You don’t know why you ignored the red flags, neon signs, the sirens, and the atomic bombs going off all around you. Now you are sitting in a pile of rubble that once was your life and you don’t know what to do next. You found this website, LoveFraud, because you have been through HELL.
Welcome. Take a moment to thank God that you are here! Believe it or not, it could have been worse.
I put an end to my nightmare on July 3rd, 2005, departing Maui on a plane headed for San Francisco. (Isn’t it funny how we all can remember the exact date?) I landed in California five and a half hours later to an avalanche of abusive text messages and voice mails. “How can you do this TO ME?” he asks. Huh? Every part of my life was damaged. In debt up to my eyeballs, my psychological, spiritual, and emotional lives were in a shambles, thanks to “Pastor Jeff” also known as “Captain Jeffrey” and “Maui Merman.” (I now refer to him simply as the “Bad Man.”) I was, to put it lightly, a basket case. I must add here that I don’t blame him entirely. There were signs that something wasn’t right with him after the third date. In fact, during the 14 months we were dating, there were many, many signs. There were many things he said and did that hit me in the stomach as not quite right, but I wanted love and he seemed to love me more than my wildest dreams thought possible. I noticed but ignored the signs.
As I write this today, October 13, 2007, I am in a much better place. I have just returned from my first visit back to Maui, the scene of the crime, as I call it. On the way there, I started to feel anxious right before the plane landed. I spent the first 2 days looking left and looking right, all the while repeating the mantra, “NO CONTACT” (the title of one of the most helpful entries in the LoveFraud Blog). As it turns out, I didn’t run into the Bad Man while there. One thing that took me by surprise though was that I had a few impulses to call the Bad Man. (God, that is hard to admit!) All it took was hearing about something bad that happened to him for my compassion to be triggered. But now I have the tools to stay on track because I know what he is and how he gets to me. My compassion and kindness are like open wounds and he is a Staph infection that takes over my body. I know what triggers me, how he got to me and I know how sick it is.
I have worked hard to regain control of my life, my self respect and the respect of others that I let down with all the drama and bad decisions I made connected to this Bad Man. Now, I know what a disordered person “looks” like. That is what LoveFraud is about. It’s recognizing that your story is already here. And once you see that, you are half way to understanding. You are here to get what happened and why in the bigger picture. It’s not about the details, “he did this, he did that.” Why were you triggered by this person and how did they get you to forget all the good sense you were born with? You need to know this so that you can release yourself from the spell. Does this ring a bell for you? Did you ask yourself, “Why am I allowing this to happen to me? I don’t recognize myself. Why can’t I stop?” I had to put an ocean in between myself and the Bad Man. I left behind my island dreams so that I could put a stop to the nightmare.
I understand why you want to tell your story. I did that too. I told it to myself over and over in the car. I yelled, I ranted, “And ANOTHER THING!!! blah blah blah.” I thrashed about in bed at night, arguing with him in my head, trying to make him see that it is wrong to treat someone the way he treated me. I did this for over a year. I held onto the fantasy that somehow, I could find the right thing to say so that he would really get how bad he was and he would be sorry and then he would shower me with the “Love” that he used to hook me in the first place. (I now refer to those first two weeks of euphoria as “Relationship Crack.”) He hooked me and I was a total junkie. I got hooked because I didn’t know it was dangerous at first. I thought I had met the love of my life. But, unfortunately, he was both the most seductive and destructive person I have ever encountered.
Now the “story” is irrelevant to me, and that is why I am not telling the details. (Believe me, it’s good enough for Dateline or LifeTime television.) What a Sociopath or a Borderline or a Narcissist does will never make sense to you because you live by a different set of rules. What is important is to know these individuals when you see them so that you won’t be drawn in by the details of their stories and manipulations. And you can let go of trying to make sense of it all based on how you do things and what drives you. That path will never lead to your healing. Ask yourself, do you ever feel better when you recount the details of the nightmare over and over? I don’t. It makes me cry, gives me anxiety attacks and sleepless nights.
Educating myself and putting a name on it (Borderline, Narcissist, Sociopath) has given me more peace than anything else. Pretend you met a person that drank alcohol every day. And then you noticed that they have black-outs, and you noticed that they hide alcohol and you noticed that they are in denial about how alcohol is negatively affecting their life and then one day, you come across information that informs you that all those things added up together equals ALCOHOLISM. Now you know. Now you know and you can spot an Alcoholic when you see one. For your purposes, it really doesn’t matter what they drink, or how sad their story is or how seductive they are. What matters is, you know what they are and how much it will end up hurting you and so you cut-your-losses and run as fast as you can the other way. Nothing else matters.
That is what you are doing here. You are learning to spot a Borderline, a Narcissist, a Sociopath, when you see one. You are here to learn that these kinds of individuals are looking for a person just like you. You are here to learn that there is nothing authentic about the “love” they offer you. You are here to learn how to be cautious when you notice your compassion and kindness and your willingness to see the best in people is triggered when it really shouldn’t be ”¦ like when danger signs are flashing and sirens are blaring inside of you. You are here to learn how to have healthy boundaries and to know when they are being crossed so that you put a stop to it immediately. I like to say now figuratively: It’s noble to throw yourself in front of a bus to save the one you love, but not if they are the one driving the bus!
The things I have learned on LoveFraud have helped me to get onto a path of healing. Accepting the label that fits has helped me tremendously to let go of the fake “love” he offered. I can see that his every action was simply a manipulation to get what he wanted out of me, and that my well being and happiness were NEVER on his agenda. You can bet that these things are top priority for me now. The details of what happened don’t matter to me anymore and I don’t need to tell them.
With Warmest Aloha,
E.R. aka “AlohaTraveler”
thanks aloha –
did you ever hear the story of the frog and the scorpion? i have told it to my S (hey! that stands for scorpion too!) and he did understand it. didn’t keep him from stinging though.
i am detaching with empathy not to benefit him, but to retain who i am.
for anyone who is interested, here is the frog and scorpion story, with my own personal extra-ending…
One day a scorpion is hanging around the side of a stream. A frog happens by on his way across the stream. The scorpion cannot swim so he stops the frog and asks if he can climb on his back for a ride across the water.
“Do you think I am crazy?” The frog says. “If I let you on my back, you’ll certainly sting me and I’ll sink in the water and die.”
The scorpion replies, “hey just think about it for a second, I can’t swim. If I sting you, then you’ll die and I’ll sink and die too.”
The frog thinks for a second and decides that makes sense, so he proceeds to give the scorpion a ride across the stream.
About half way across the stream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog screams “What are you doing? Why did you sting me? Now I am going to drown and die and you are going to sink and die too.”
The scorpion says “because I am a scorpion and it is my nature.”
–With the new ending, think of your S as the scorpion, and you as the frog —
As you sink into the water, gasping your last breath, your S turns to you and blames you for not getting him across the river, and that you are dying on purpose, just to ruin his day.
Aloha -alas, my scorpion is just a half-mile away, but i will dig the ocean this afternoon….yours is in hawaii? maybe the spy satellite will fall on that bad man…
as for mine, no more rides across the river….
lg
you gals are so great! Thank you for you. Appreciate the good thoughts of digging oceans and no more frog rides. Looking back at not just the S but several men I’ve dated, and my ex husband… I think I have been the frog one too many times. Sometimes though I wonder if there really is a man out there that can stand on his own feet and actually give back sometimes. I am a giver, at heart – but its getting to where you seem to do 99.9% of the giving anymore. And then you feel like they’ll drop you if you sit back a bit and wait for them to figure out how to give of themselves. I know logically its better if they do leave, if that is the type they are. I dont know how to date anymore maybe. The S has really thrown me for a loop. I do think digging my ocean will be healing in itself 🙂
findingmyselfagain –
in my very humble opinion, which i have earned through much suffering with my S, i am not sure doubting yourself, giving up your “giving” nature, is the right way to go.
i am not giving my “giving” nature up, i do know that much.
i think in the midst of this, we sometimes forget the normal progression of relationships. even in healthy ones, we do things to hurt each other.
the difference with an S is that we cannot expect the “normal” reaction that our partner will change the behavior that hurts us.
no, we cannot expect what we have grown up expecting. it’s like someone changed the rules of life and didn’t tell us. now all bets are off, and nothing is as it was.
think of how you would respond if the roles were reversed. if your partners were giving, would you act as your ex’s have? or would you appreciate it and reciprocate?
your gut is you. your instincts are you. you are you. doubting your nature is less than what the scorpion does. he is who he is. so are you.
there is an old book i once read, “stop, you’re driving me crazy,” that talks about expectations. it says having expectations is normal – when the mailman is on your porch, you expect mail in your mailbox.
but if for some reason your mailman throws it in the yard, you are rightly angry.
but if the mailman says he slipped on ice and the mail flew out of his hand and scattered in the yard, your anger is replaced by concern and even caring for the mailman.
i think our expectations are sound and reasonable. our anger is reasonable when the expectations are not met.
the S’s however, know how to lie skillfully – they all slipped on the ice…
while you dig tonight, think of how valuable you are in your life. make a list, write yourself a letter, congratulating yourself on all you have done in your life, how you have chosen to live.
then take that letter and place it in a beautiful place, high up, where only people worthy of you can read it.
on valentine’s day, i truly believe that my Scorpion lost out because he was not worthy to give me flowers. he missed that opportunity to be with me. he lost out on my company, on my goodness, on my love.
dating right now, is the last thing on my mind. when the time is right, the man will have to seek me out and earn my attention.
i am not going to make it easy for him, but i will allow my heart to open again as he displays the qualities I NEED from a man – character, integrity, loyalty, honesty. i deserve those qualities. i will not accept less.
the last chapter of martha stout’s “the sociopath next door,” said a lot to me. she explained very clearly why it is better to be giving, to have a conscience. it is one of the only books that i’ve read so far that attempts to do that.
meanwhile, exercise. join a gym if you don’t belong already. try a new class, maybe kickboxing? meet new sisters who will smile when they see you at the gym. ask them if they are coming again tomorrow. then keep digging!
AlohaTraveler,
Your bad man, my father… literally JW, is a lost cause. My mother stayed with him for far too many years being emotionally and physically abused. I tried to mend a broken relationship with him. He would pretend to change, then the moment I didn’t give into his selfish ideas he would blast me with text messages telling me I was a bitch and a horrible daughter. I think everyone he knows has tried to help him, but he will never be helped. He doesn’t want to be. He’s pathetic. He never tried to make contact with my other 4 siblings. He said it was my mothers fault, but it wasn’t. She encouraged them to call him, but he was just nuts. He barely paid child support, I still cannot figure out how a man lets his children go unnoticed…. Yes my mother took us. But she took us to a safe place. And now we are much better off. Be glad you left him when you did.
AlohaTraveler-
Are you still in San Francisco?! I bet we have passed each other before and didn’t even know it! I moved here to get away from my first abusive x-s when I lived in Florida. I think this is a place of healing 🙂 (although unfortunately, I met my second x-s the first week I moved here). But still, I am finally on the road to changing myself and healing. Thanks for this essy, it definitely spoke to me as well 🙂
AlohaTraveler (and others)-
Do you know where I can find that blog about NO CONTACT that you spoke of in the above posts? I am definitely interested in that one specifically…
Dear Aloha,
I don’t know how I missed this essay, but saw it today when it was brought up by Karissa and Letgoletgod. This is a fantastic article (as all your articles are) but particularly spoke to me. As I have healed the “details” do stop ‘MATTERING” but at first they matter so much. There comes a time though when the details start to “fade” into distant memories that in themselves aren’t of any more importance, just “he/she was a P and they are out of my life”
I’ve been noticing this about myself for some time, as my hate for them has become forgiveness and as my disgust with myself has become forgiveness and as my joy has risen as the pain as subsided. Life is not only good again, it is BETTER than good.
Thanks for a grand article, Aloha! ((((hugs))))
LetgoletGod,
I am in San Jose CA. I will see if I can find the NO CONTACT essay for you. I believe it is one of Donna’s Posts.
Oxy,
This is an old essay but I am glad you found it. I have 6 essays. This one was my first.
I havent’ been very active lately.
Thanks, Aloha!
“You are here to learn how to be cautious when you notice your compassion and kindness and your willingness to see the best in people is triggered when it really shouldn’t be ””
I agree! What threw me about this behavior is that I’d seen it before in my ex-husband. He was not a sociopath, and in fact, he was one of the most compassionate people I’ve ever met; but he was a “spoiled brat.” (And a substance abuser.) So I felt that canvassing for sympathy and compassion when none was deserved wasn’t an “abnormal” trait — just annoying and indicative of a flawed personality.
I’ll tell you what first threw me for a loop. My ex-S told me about hiring a prostitute and how she brought over drugs and he ended up in the emergency room for an overdose, and the same hooker came over to “take care of him” the next day. He laughed about it like this was just another story that he’d tell at a party, not knowing how shocking and inappropriate his behavior was. If I’d done that — and I’m sure there are people who have skeletons in their closet — I sure wouldn’t tell anyone! And if I did, it would be in abject shame.
That he was able to make such a sordid, inappropriate story “humorous” made me think that there was “something” wrong with him. I just didn’t know what at the time. Now I know.
Dear Unwilling Raconteur,
Yes, some of them are inappropriate in their knowledge of what is “socially acceptable” behavior and what is NOT. Some of them have not learned what they need to “hide” and what is okay to “share” and laugh at.
One time my P-bio-father was going to “entertain” a group of visiting people from another country so he took them across the boarder into Mexico to “boy’s town” which is a notorious red-light district in Tijuana and these married men were NOT AMUSED at all, but my P-bio father’s idea of a “good time” was a Mexican whore house, so he saw noting “inappropriate” in entertaining them this way. Sheesh, talk about “low class”—he even took me there once with a group of his employees, and of course I thought I was just at a cheap Mexican “cantina” (on the ground floor) and being a green teenager I had no idea until some one later told me where I was.