LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Part 1–Giving him the benefit of the doubt

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from the reader who posts as “robxsykobabe.” Read it—and watch as the sociopathic manipulation blossoms.

Here is my story”¦as I’ve only shared bits and pieces.

My ex and I met on a dating website. We met at a mutually convenient place, and upon seeing him for the first time in person, I was in awe! He was the perfect looking guy, casual, with a tall stature, a beautiful face and such charm. We went into a restaurant but didn’t eat. We sat at the bar, and I ordered a drink. He did not, saying he doesn’t drink anymore. That was fine with me. We engaged in conversation, and at one point, I asked him if he had ever been in prison. Why that came to my mind, I don’t know”¦but it did. He said no, and the night continued. We left the restaurant and went to a park near my house and talked all night long. He told me of the person he is and what he stands for and what it is that he wants out of life. He painted a picture that seemed “perfect” in a “perfect world” with “perfect expectations.” I told him that night that there had to be something more to him, as NO ONE has things that tightly wrapped up in a package. He assured me this was “just him.”

The red flags began shortly after we met. The following weekend he wanted to see me, however, I was not sure I wanted to pursue a relationship with him”¦my intuition told me to slow down. I told him I was busy that weekend. Little did I know, he was already on his way to my house! He became angry with me stating “but I’m already halfway there.” He also told me that we couldn’t see each other any other time that weekend, as he was having his son. He forgot, though, that he already told me it wasn’t his weekend to have his son. He simply wanted what he wanted and wasn’t concerned about me.

The next couple of weekends we saw each other and things were going well. He wrote me a lengthy email at about week four telling me of his mysterious “past,” that consisted of him being in prison for 26 months, and how he was “only” trying to save his brother from his drug dealer. I was floored and sick to my stomach at the same time. I cried to him, asking him to tell me it was a lie and that it really wasn’t true. He did not. The emails and phone calls came heavily at that time, as it seemed as if he was begging me to stay with him”¦as he was a “changed” person. I fought with myself for quite some time about the choice I was about to make. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt, as people do change and become better people. That may have been my demise.

The daughter

We dated for four months and on Christmas Eve Night, he dropped a bomb on me. He had a daughter whom he had never met or saw, but was paying child support for. WHAT!!! I knew of his son, but a daughter?

I was, again, supportive and understanding of what he told me had happened. His daughters mother and him met at a bar, got drunk, had sex, and she got pregnant, only SHE didn’t want to have anything to do with HIM and got back together with her ex-boyfriend. At that time, he swore no other shoe was going to drop. This was it”¦no more surprises. I will admit, I was pissed that it took him four months to tell me this, although, in my distorted mind, I thought, “Wow, this must have been hard for him to tell me.”

We dated for the next year and a half with nothing happening except absolute bliss. We got along great, talked about moving in together, getting married, all the good stuff. In February of 2008, we had an argument. Over what, I don’t even remember. We didn’t talk for about a week. We had a wedding to go to on the 16th, and we did speak via email. He was demanding of explanations regarding why I didn’t contact him”¦although he was mad at me. Another red flag. Things got patched up and we went to the wedding, had a great time, and things were on the mend again. Until March”¦

I found women’s phone numbers in his phone (which I never looked in, except for this time) and had my friend call them. One of them happened to be from his long lost love”¦you know, the one he could NEVER stay away from, but they couldn’t EVER be together? They had been talking during the time we weren’t. I confronted him about it, and he lied to my face! I gave him a chance to explain and only after he realized I wasn’t backing down did he fess up”¦during the week we weren’t talking, he and the ex “met up” at the gym”¦but nothing happened. He said if anything it gave him some closure to their relationship and he realized he really loved me and wanted to be with me. Ahhhh”¦here began the blatant lies!

Arrested

From March until September, again, things went well. He and I were getting closer (as that was his excuse to meet up with the ex”¦he didn’t feel close to me anymore). In August, we went on a family vacation to Wisconsin. He and I got pulled over in WI for speeding. The cop came to our car and asked my ex if he had been to Missouri as there was a warrant out for someone’s arrest that looked just like him. My ex, of course didn’t know what he was talking about. The cop let us go and we thought nothing of it other than it was strange. About two miles down the road, at our destination, a detective and sheriff were waiting for us”¦ON MY FAMILY VACATION! My boyfriend had been in Missouri nine years ago and earned himself a DUI”¦that never got taken care of”¦as well as a charge of forging checks and having drug paraphernalia. Remember, he had already gone to PRISON and upon his release, told me “everything was taken care of”¦clean slate.”

He was arrested and put in jail. I called his mom to see what she knew and she knew more than I thought. It all some how “came back to her” at that point and she began explaining some things to me. Mind you, I had dated him at this point for two years”¦and NO ONE in his family had given ANY information about ANY OF HIS PAST”¦I was totally in the blind.

So, August 08 to March of 2009 he was “trying” to get this straightened out”¦but repeatedly ran into roadblocks”¦or so he said. In March of 09, he got pulled over (after asking me to buy him a motorcycle and being told no”¦he decided he didn’t want to see me that weekend), and arrested AGAIN for driving on a revoked license (due to the DUI in Missouri that he got caught for in WI). His car was taken, license taken and he had AT LEAST a year of no driving. Mind you, he didn’t want to see me that weekend cause he was mad”¦I had “devastated him” by telling him “no I won’t buy OR co-sign on a motorcycle for you.”

In September of 2008”¦after the arrest in WI, I had found texts on his phone that were saying, “I can’t stop thinking about your kisses.” He SWORE they were sent to me, but I just didn’t get them. He couldn’t talk his way out of this, so he packed his things and left”¦keys and all”¦for the third time in our relationship.

He had lost his license in March of 2009 after asking me to BUY him a motorcycle and being told “no.” He decided at that point that he didn’t want to see me that weekend because I “devastated” him. So, we didn’t see each other. He said he was going to a movie with his “dad,” and was sitting at a red light with a cop three lanes over. The cop strangely coincidentally pulled him over…out of the blue, mind you, and arrested him again on charges of driving on a revoked license (from the DUI nine years ago), took his car and his license. He called me from jail, but I didn’t answer as I was at a movie. He called me the next day, explaining his situation and I WAS PISSED and LET HIM HAVE IT. He and his mother (oh, did I mention he lives at home at 36…yeah, he does) repeatedly told me through emails and the phone “I don’t blame you if you never want to talk to me (him) again…” Well, I loved him so I did want to talk to him…

Doing the driving

We decided it was gonna be rough, but I would have to do all the driving. So, an hour up to his house, an hour back, an hour up, and an hour back plus ALL the driving all weekend long, not to mention getting and dropping off his child who lives an hour and a half away! This went on for about three months and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was getting waaaaaay out of hand, so I told him I wasn’t gonna do it anymore. We were supposed to go to a party on a Friday night. I told him I would come to his house Saturday rather than doing all the running around in one night. He didn’t like that idea so much, and broke up with me! He said, “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t gonna put as much effort into it as I am.” He must have been talking about the two years that he drove to my house every weekend to see me…BECAUSE HE STILL LIVED AT HOME AND I WASNT ALLOWED TO SPEND THE NIGHT! Needless to say, we broke up and it devastated me.

About a month and a half later, he contacted me, not before though he wrote poems (which is his specialty) on Myspace and sent them to me. We began talking again, and then dating again, however, this time he was willing to take a three-hour train ride on Friday nights to see me and I would pick him up. This was working out.

My ma had told me he was not welcome back into their home as they had enough of his crap. This didn’t settle too well with him, and he DEMANDED that I talk to my ma and tell her he was a good guy. I refused.

Sex addict

One day, I wanted to see a movie that he normally wouldn’t like. He said he would go, but “what’s in it for me,” meaning, when will he get laid in order to go? I agreed, and it happened, and we went to the movie. Everything was great that day, and we came home late. While sitting on my couch, he asked me if we could give each other “massages” later. You and I both know what that means ”¦ so I said, “Sure, but ONLY massages.” He was okay with that and asked again. I agreed, but this time he winked and gave a really seductive look. I told him “No, I’m not having sex, we already did!” That clearly was the wrong thing to say as he got pissed yelling, “I’m so tired of this bullshit. I’m not arguing with you over this!” He was addicted to sex ”¦ from the time he got into my house until he left. I don’t know how many times he would say to me, “You’re lucky I still want to have sex with you, that should tell you something about how I feel.”

Needless to say, I found out later that week that he had taken some cologne of his that I put in my desk when we broke up. The ONLY way he would have known that the cologne was in the desk was if he was snooping ”¦ I happen to find it missing after looking for it myself. I asked him if he took it and he responded, “Yeah, it was mine.” I said, “But you were looking through my stuff to be able to find it.” He, of course, disagreed and stood on the story of “It was mine, and I should be able to take my stuff,” not getting the fact that he TOOK it WITHOUT TELLING ME, which equals stealing. So, as I looked through my spare room more, I noticed a movie that was missing and a book. I asked him about those things as well. He was “offended” and “angry” and “hurt” that I would accuse him of stealing, and how could we be in a relationship if I didn’t trust him. He is THE ONLY MAN I’ve had in my house since we’ve been dating.

I had to make a decision at that point as to whether I wanted to continue to be made to feel like I was crazy, or change it. I deleted his mother from my Facebook account, which he had been snooping on”¦as he has an account, but never accepted my friend request. The night I did that, he called but I didn’t answer. His message was something along the lines of, “Since you deleted my mother from your Facebook, on her birthday, I’m going to assume you and I aren’t talking. You hurt my feelings with accusing me of stealing and I guess until you call to apologize to me we won’t talk.”

And we didn’t”¦we had NO CONTACT for five months. I was hell bent on NOT talking to him, as I had plenty of time to ”˜think’ about all the devious ways he behaved. I was mad”¦and I was getting more mad by the day! He, of course, was plotting.

Tomorrow: Part 2”—You have to start acting better”