By September 15, 2008 380 Comments Read More →


By James

A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”

I said, “No, son, I don’t.”

“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”

“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”

I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.

I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”

She only shook her head yes to reply.

“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.

For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.

After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…

For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”

I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.

Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”

I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!

Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.

What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!

At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!

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380 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The Biggest Lie"

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I really do understand and how hard it can be for us who want to know more but also help others with their own pain…

Yes, I believe she would have….

(True story)

My sister had a chance to talk with my ex s/p boyfriend. One point of discussion came up that my ex told her boyfriend I physically abused her. He statement was: “When she came to me she was covered in bruises.” But he also told my sister his father was a police officer. Not sure why he told my sister that? Anyway my sister informed him to get the domestic police reports on her allegations that I did indeed abused her by physically assaulting her. My sister also stated that because your father was a police officer this should be easy for him to do. His reply?

“Maybe I will or maybe I won’t”.


Oh about the “bruises” she claimed to be caused by me? She did indeed have many bruises on her legs and arms. But these were caused by her job when she worked for the shipping and receiving department at FED-X for a short time. In fact I told her I didn’t think this was the best job for her and she should start looking for other employment. Another thing about this was one day my (same sister) sister came by to visit and when her my ex s/p and me were discussing her bruises and how she got them thru her employment I jokingly told them both. “God D___ people are going to think I am beating the (bleep) out of you”. Of course we all laugh about it at that time. But I can assure you I wasn’t laughing later when she told people that these bruises were inflicted by me.

Well anyway in the end you will do the right thing. But please do be careful. These things sometimes have a way of backfiring on us..

James, thanks for the story. I certainly understand. I saw may of those same kinds of comments backfire as I got to know his daughters. I saw so much drama and heard so mu exageration and ies. sometimes I think they conjured it all up to get each other’s attention.

the whole relationship was bizarre and I am confident it all still is. I think I had mentioned to you that he stalked me for a few months and I am certain he stopped because I threatened to call hi daughter. this is my weapon right now (all that I know about him) and in some ways I don’t want to give that up until I am far away from him. another reason I am sitting on the email.

sounds like you have been through hell and back….for a longer period than I have. I’m sorry James. thanks for understanding.

thanks wini, and that was pretty much the gyst of the email… give her the chance to contact me if she want…..

Hey James: are you a Stephen King fan? Check out “Dolores Claiborne.” Really. I’ll bet you can switch around the genders and see how the story fits. I’ve been reading this today, and I’m totally impressed with Stephen King’s grasp of the sociopathic personality.

Y’know, that piece of feeling validated is SOOooooo!!! important in being able to move forward. You know how the swimmer pushes off from the wall? How the racer uses the block to get that first oooomph to get going around the track? Our validation of each other, and the validation we find in books or movies, helps us to get that vital ooooomph to claim our healing path.


OMG Yes, Love his writing and read most of Stephen King’s books. Yes, the evil people in his books are very sociopathic. If you saw the last movie by one of his short story “The Mist”. Look close at the “church lady” and how she uses the bible to get people on her side. I thought the ending was very sad but loved the short story and the movie still.


I wanted to thank you for this story. I wanted to think about it before I posted, because it really rang a bell in me, but I wasn’t sure what it was.

I just read it again, and got it. It’s that moment, when we both see it and know we need to get away from it. We may not know exactly what we’re seeing. And we may not know exactly what we have to do. But the recognition and the associated internal impulse come together for the first time.

You painted the picture really well. The way you all felt. The set-up for what the near future was probably going to look like. You didn’t have to do a single bit of analysis, it was all right there.

I hope your children are doing well. It’s hard accepting that one of your parents is unfixably crazy. But I also know that it was pretty early for me, maybe six or seven, that I began to pray that my mother would leave my father. For herself and for our protection. I was the oldest. I think my younger sister had a harder time understanding that it wasn’t about us, that there was nothing wrong with her that made him the way he was.

But my mother couldn’t acknowledge it. It was the 50s and she didn’t see a way out. So she was outwardly loyal to him, and silently did what she could.

Reading about the kind of parent you are, I’m glad for your kids.

KH & James: I agree. “I . . . got it. It’s that moment, when we both see it and know we need to get away from it.”

If we’re lucky enough to have that awakening moment, I think it makes the other stuff, like NC, a lot easier. That “moment” feels like the instant when the “gut” understands something that perhaps the brain has to catch up with. And certainly the heart can lollygag behind, wondering, “if only,” of “I thought we were so good together . . .”

LOL, Rune. The Lollygagging Heart. Sounds like a great title for a short story.

Kathleen Hawk

You are welcome! The story ideal did come from my eldest son. In fact he saw her for what she really was years before I did. I guess what they say is true. That love is blind. For I know I was. What really scare me the most is what my eldest son told me later after she left. “Dad, I was planning on leaving when I turned 18 just to get away from her!”. Now please allow me to add that even for the fact my oldest didn’t say that about me because he didn’t want to hurt my feeling. I did wonder if that thought was also there? Any way I thought about this in two ways. First, I never understood just how much he was being abused by her and Second, I could have lost him! The second left me shaken and very upset for days. This of course only added to my depression. Oh, How could I be so blind???????

I finally came to a place were I trying to forgive myself but I always thought myself to be a good and wise person. A good and open loving father to my children. Really I asked myself who was the in denial during this time! I only pray that God will forgive me and I will also forgive myself… I’m trying each day to do better!!!

I don’t know if anyone else caught “The Bachelor” on ABC tonight. But, as far as I am concerned, there was a female psychopath on full display on that show tonight.

I knew early in the show that “Rozalyn” was NOT a nice girl when she made the comment, “If you get in my way, I am going to step on you.”

But, I was not prepared for what was going to be disclosed later in the show about this girl.
It turned out that Rozalyn had an inappropriate relationship with one of the production staffers on the show.
When Chris (host of the show) confronted her about this, and told her she would have to leave the show, there was no guilt, no remorse, no tears, no emotion at all on this girl’s face. Just blank expression.

She did not even understand why she had to leave the show. Chris had to explain to her why it was inappropriate for her to be having sexual relations with a production staffer when she is supposed to be on the show competing for Jake (The Bachelor)!
This not only shows her lack of boundaries and moral reasoning, but also an impulsiveness.
Not to mention the inability to love.

It was fascinating to watch, at least for me.
As far as I am concerned, that was a perfect snapshot of a female psychopath in action.

Of course, no one called her what she was.
Instead, everyone just could not believe the level of deception.

She was a beautiful girl, and had a fun personality.
She had no problem being warm, friendly, and seductive at the beginning of the show when she was trying to get close to Jake.
But, at the end of the show….when she was being confronted by Chris about her inappropriate actions, she was stone cold.
And the stare she was giving Chris while he was telling her she would have to leave the show was penetrating.

The icing on the cake is that Jake had already given her a rose to stay for the following week.
So, the men get taken in just like us ladies.

Gender does not matter. A psycho is a psycho.

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