By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Its taken me three P relationships to get this stuff figured out
My married X used everything that was important to me, to use or take away from me ,at the end including manipulating my children from me ,painted me as the bad one and the one spliting up the family…..he exhasted me …then I met this other man it ws just dinner and sex dinner and sex ….untill I called it there was no emotion no togetherness he was just to cold……then to ice the cake …I met prince charming it was like a fairy tale ….floweres ,trips, bling bling ,lies and cheating wheel barrows full of broken promies …roller coaster ride of your life ….untill the dicard and boy did i get tossed in the dumpster…I think in all my ups and downs of life I think that this if the toughest thing that I have ever had to work threw , its hard to accept people like this, when your relationships are suppose to have meaning when to these people they mean nothing,yes I’v seen the eyes of a sociopath , there empty and cold …….I can’t do another relationship like this I just hope that there is someone warm and caring out there for me someday….. untill then I go it alone with my head held high……….
Dear Taken: I know what you are saying. The worst for me was having a suit against my anti-social bosses. It was a free for all to degrade me, harass me, torment me … insult me in any manner possible. Mental torment from the summer of 98 until 2004. Every ounce of sleaze that they had stored up inside them came pouring out and because you are in their space you end up absorbing this disgusting slime of their’s through every pour of your body. I know this sounds weird, but it’s true. They didn’t have their smiley faces on for me (aka masks) … they allowed me to see them at their worst … and their worst is what I saw, each and every day for 6 years. No matter how low you thought they went today, they’d surprise you with lower antics the following day, week. It was the most disgusting experience of my life. I had to go into trumped meetings that they treated me as the low life. I would be treated better if I were prostituting myself on some street corner. That’s how bad they treated me. To top it off, I already knew they were somewhat like this … I was a union stewart for years and represented people who ended up being basket cases by the time their hearings came on the calendars. They were well oiled machines. Yes, they were. With all that said, that’s why I’m telling you and everyone else on LF to focus on the positive. Focus on God’s virtues and bring those virtues into your life. The way “they” live and exist in the world does change your chemical makeup. What I learned seeing them at work first hand did change my mindset into a negative. In order to fight a tiger, you have to think like a tiger. Get it? I had to be ready for everything and anything they threw at me.
I gained weight due to fighting this suit. I’ve never had a weight problem in my life … and I gained about 30 lbs. I wasn’t eating different then before this suit, the knowledge of seeing what they were really all about changed the chemical makeup in my body.
I was always a happy person, no matter what day it was. Just naturally happy. Not silly happy, just a good outlook about life. Not overly optimistic, nor overtly pessimistic. Middle of the road content. During those time with the suit, I was serious all the time. At attention all the time, alert (I guess it was constant flight or fight mode). Coming home each night after work, collapsing, crying, depressed all the time. I read the Bible every day just to give me a pick me up and to remind me of who created me.
Then when the 2nd shoe fell on my head and I was forced to find out that my fiance was one of them (anti-social personality) … I just shook my head, and of course said “why me”. I went numb from the end of November, 2006 until late March, 2007. I could talk, I could hear, I functioned in every way … but I could not feel a thing emotionally. And I just said “I’m giving it up to you God”.
That’s it. No more. No more being forced to be in their darkness. And darkness they do live in. There’s no laughter, no humor (except insulting humor), no tears, no emotions. Period. Everything with them is an illusion.
Everyone thinks I’m a Jesus Freak or something. I’m not. I’m just like you. Attended church with my family, was a regular person growing up. Had my friends, enjoyed my childhood, teenage years … young adult, working etc.
Then them. The horror of them.
Peace.
James – I hope your children heal from this. They have a very loving father too make sure they get help. And about that “LOOK” that sociopaths have. Yes I have seen it in my mother’s eye’s, my (X’S) eyes. We get used to looking in their eye’s, looking for concern, compassion, happiness we just keep lookin and never see it, but then there is that look that we get and never forget, the one that scare’s you to death and you ask yourself – what is this? who is this? and we realize we are lucky to be alive……As my phychiatrist said – they can just as easily kill you as look at you…..
Yes, when my friend (and former professor) called me in the winter of 2007 and told me that rumor was my EX married the woman he met off the Net … was going down to Texas pretending to get his phony company off the ground and she was just a platonic business partner (LOL at me) … the first thing that came to mind was “does he have a huge insurance policy on her”? Da ya think. Just as my oldest sister said to me Christmas of 2006 … Thank God we aren’t looking for you in little pieces in some lot in another state. My heart stopped when she said this … I never thought of that. Good thing I’m a giver and just gave as he asked … it could have been a different story you were reading … that of my obit.
Peace.
Strange but if I close my eyes sometimes I still can see that “look” and still it chill me to the bone today. The look compared to all her abuse was the worst because it show me just how empty and shallow these people can be. The look is physical proof and when one sees it and then acknowledges it, there is no denying its existence. Maybe that is what scares me so much….
James and Starlight: My perspective about how and why they are the way they are is as follows:
What he is, is a perfectionist (as most of them are) is the divide and conquer over all “normal” people of the world. They play this one for what they can get and they play the other for what they can get. Never underestimate how they will manipulate people, cause that is what they do the best … manipulate any how, any where, any one.
I believe they start this in childhood. Especially when there is younger siblings in their lives. They perfect the manipulation techniques back in childhood … abusing and lying to manipulate little brother, little sis … and smiling to their parents or caretakers … playing the angel up to the adults and devil to their sibs. This is when they go from being “humble, believing in our creator” to living in their EGOs (believing in themselves … they are their little gods). From tormenting the family unit (yes, the Eddie Haskel’s of the world … yes Mrs. Cleaver, yes Mr. Cleaver … kiss, kiss, kiss to get what they want). What started off as innocent manipulations of their younger siblings … and if they are OCs (ONLY CHILDREN) they go out of the home and torment the kid next door. It starts off innocent and then builds … bigger and better as they perfect their manipulation techniques. What kid wouldn’t love to do this? ABSOLUTE POWER. Get what they want, when they want, any time they want? That’s why … they sold themselves to the devil at such an early age (going from a mindset of being humble which allows you to listen and focus on righteousness to living in their egos ” no rules, no regulations, just anything your mind tell you, you can do, you can). What young kid knows anything about life at that tender age? Think about it. You don’t look at the future at that age. You have no clue your ego and it’s imagination is taking you down the wrong path in life. You get away with whatever you want, since you were a kid … as you get older, you refine your techniques … you blend in with everyone … playing who you can and tormenting the ones you don’t care about … no one is the wiser … the kid at school complaining about you to the teachers and other kids is just labeled “a whiner, a wimp, a jealous kid” … and no pays attention to what this little monster is doing or how this little monster is creating his own selfish world, own selfish reality. So, they get away with their evil in their family, at school … now they are getting older, graduate … stroke all their teachers for the “A”s or not, “B”s or “C”s, but the teachers all love them … that troubled kid … he’ll/shell out grow it … she/he just has to grow up ” it’s just being a kid and he’ll/she’ll out grow this phase. The teachers pass them to the next grade … and no one takes the time to tell him “NO”, you don’t do this because most adults aren’t privy to it and even if they see it, they chalk it up to their imagination is getting carried away with them ” too many students, they’re over tired today, didn’t see what they saw? Everyone passes the buck with the likes of them, not knowing what they really are (most people believe others to be good at heart). And if the teacher does make a point to report the kid ” they’re viewing themselves as the victim, being beaten up by the rules and regulations of society.
So, they now are graduating ” going on into the work world … they are jealous of everyone and anyone that is a threat to them in their career. They sabotage all the co-workers that are really working. They team up with others that they know are like themselves. They get away with systematically tackling those that are in their way ”“ whatever that “way” is. They smile and con management. They will sleep or gossip with the bosses and sabotage the credibility of their co-workers. They jump over or on others to get promotions, titles, paychecks. Oops got to get rid of this boss and that boss that could be a problem in the future … no problem …next.
And now it’s time for us to meet them. They come into our lives, smile to our faces, act lovingly, (come to the web said the spider to the fly). Then they do the damage that they do. They believe in a false god. themselves. Everyone is there’s for the taken, whatever they want to take. When they get caught stepping over the line of the law (and they are very careful not to do this, but, sometimes it does happen … their own ego gets the better of them, believing they are omnipotent), they are dragged into court … incarcerated … and they look at the rest of us like we are crazy, or jealous of them. Looking down so smugly at us. NEVER LISTENING TO THE CHARGES OR UNDERSTANDING THE CHARGES ” In their minds, they are outraged and claim that they are being unjustly incarcerated … it’s a conspiracy against them … we are all jealous of them, them, them. NO clue whatsoever to the depth of the damage they’ve done. Hey, they got away with their shenanigans since they were kids … no one stopped them at that time … why and what is so different now? And they do NOT understand us at all. They think they are better than we, and idiots like us shouldn’t have the right to throw them behind bars.
I do not want to punish them while incarcerated. I want them to slow down, let them be silent from their negative thoughts for a few years ” work with counselors to ensure they comprehend what it is like thinking positive, peaceful thoughts ” to become humble again ” if they can, and be at peace.
That’s how I see them. Still children (spiritually stunted from an early age back to their childhoods) living in their big egos, saying what they want, doing what they want, getting what they want, when they want, any time they want from any one they want. Pretending (acting for the nomination of the Oscars) of being the chronological age of an adult. Skimming the surface of life. Never learning wisdom. Not slowing down long enough to delve into the depth of the emotional waters. No time for emotions ” gotta go ” gotta live ” gotta get going ” to where? Good question. Next time you meet one of “them”, ask “them” the question. See if you get an honest answer. I know you’ll get an answer ” and we’ve all gotten answers from them, but lies, not truth.
Final thought. If I think positively and become a productive citizen in our society, feeling comfortable and good about what I do as an adult functioning in our society” then the same must be true of “them” appreciating and being comfortable with negative thoughts and actions in our society. They must be comfortable with themselves acting and thinking counter clockwise from the rest of society, due to greed and selfishness. When doing good feels comfortable with us, is it the same with them?. Does thinking and doing evil feel comfortable with them? Has it become as natural for them to be the way they are as it is for us to be the way we are? If so, then it’s a learned and hence, conditioned behavior that they did to themselves, since childhood ” living and thinking the way they do ” and no one being astute enough to pick up on it ” get them reconditioned to being productive instead of allowing them to condition themselves to be counterproductive.
Maybe, just maybe, conditioning themselves since childhood along with a physical mental health problem is their problem. I don’t know.
Peace.
henry
I wish I could tell you just how happy my children are today. Damn show I could show you! Children are so great! The resiliency of children never ceases to astonish me!! Yes, they are doing just fine and in fact much much better then before. But then we know, why don’t we?
Sorry Henry.. “Damn wish I could show you”.. Sorry for the typo…LOL
Wini
“Maybe, just maybe, conditioning themselves since childhood along with a physical mental health problem is their problem. I don’t know.”
Same here, I really don’t know all that it takes to formulate a P or S? Which is why I come back to LoveFraud time and time again. Always looking for answers and listening to each other about what happen to them and how they deal with it. Maybe that is why we all come here? To listen and learn…
PS: You do bring up some very interesting line of reasoning..
James: All I know is that I want to live in peace. I want to be happy and have harmony in my life. I want to be creative and productive and NOT harm others just because I exist and am taking up oxygen in this world. I want my life back (which I’ve done, don’t get me wrong … I’ve been going through this longer than most bloggers on this site, worked most of it (the evil) out already). That’s why I know following God and how God wants us to live and respect others is the way to go. God is the way.
Peace.