By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
wini: thanks for your kind words. yes, i’m doing pretty well considering how long we were together and how close we were all these years.
my overall feeling is astonishment most of the time. it is still so hard to believe what he did, how he did it, and how much he hates me (considering i never did anything to hurt him). but i’m moving forward and not looking back.
i’m trying to accept that i can have nothing to do with anyone who knows us both. i just don’t want to hear about him, know about him at all. since we’re in the same neighborhood, i hope that’s possible. i’m even thinking of moving so i never run in to him or anyone we know. maybe that sounds extreme, but once you get a sense of how easy life can be without ANY CONTACT with the freak or anyone who knows him, it makes that kind of isolation sound sweet.
lostingrief: When you review previous post of other bloggers you will notice that all their EXs blamed them for the breakup or deterioration of the relationship. Not one, including my EX admits or accepts blame. Which makes me think they are somehow locked in an unrealistic perfectionist perception of life. No one can be perfect, it’s humanly impossible. The only perfect being is God. Them striving for perfection, and not realizing their humanity prevents this probably implodes on them as they tried (as youths) to be perfect and as they age, it just deteriorates more and more … hence, jumping from relationship to relationship, not having to look at themselves as having a problem, projecting it outward on the partner … one partner after the other.
Just a guess … but I’m seeing a lot of perfectionist in the anti-socials I know and none of them function. Always complaining about unrealistic situations in life … then to really live life and see all the shades of grey in the world … can’t get past the black and white issues.
Give me your thoughts on this as you look at your EX and what he was really all about … not functioning, not be responsible for bills, not being responsible for truth, the relationship etc.
Wini: Whew! O…kay. I almost said in one of my earlier posts to you that these people think they ARE perfect and therefore see no need to change. I regret to say that I am a bit on the perfectionist side but certainly am very critical of myself!!!! It’s things that I do where my perfectionism comes into play–perfectly clean and orderly house, everything is totally organized in my office, etc. I thought THAT was the kind of perfectionist that you were referring to!
Yes, I can agree that my ex s/p sent off signals that led me to think that he thought a great deal of himself and was a “proud to be me” person. Like the old Mac Davis song line “it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way”.
He’d flash these big broad exaggerated smiles to everyone he came in contact with as though he had flawless teeth that he wanted everyone to see! They were far from flawless and I honestly had to beg the man to brush them. A grown man! Apparently, he thought they were worth flashing whether they were clean or nasty!!!
He wore a mustache but never shaved the rest of his face on a regular basis. Had a scruffy look to him all the time. He’d only shave when I’d beg him to. Yet, he carried himself as though he was a god. He truely believed that he was as cute as a speckled pup. He also wore his pants and t-shirts WAY to tight, yet he had total bird legs and although the shirts showed that he DID have average biceps, they also showed his love handles and that he had a good roll around his middle. He believed that he looked great!
He could NOT take an ounce of criticism! I’m a very direct and straigtforward person. If he looked like crap–I told him! So, I’m sure that he would have liked to have killed me! He just didn’t have a clue as to how to dress himself or how to present himself publicly. After we divorced, people told me that we never did look “right” together. I asked them what they meant and they all said that I just had too much class for him! I never saw it that way but I guess that’s how we appeared. AND, now that I know what I know, they were RIGHT! LOL!
I detected that he was jealous of the attention that my outgoing, friendly country girl personality drew. Either gender. I’ve never met a stranger and people tend to warm up to me fast and befriend me easily. It took attention away from him and he couldn’t stand it. He was supposed to be the “star” of the family–I just wan’t aware of it! His new girlfriend is a meek little mousy thing that just sits around with her head bowed and might offer an occasional half smile.
When I read the piece of information here on lovefraud about the difference between amatuer cheaters and sociopaths–it described him to a “T”.
Wini,
I think you are wise in cutting out all your mutual friends. I think the reason I’m so down right now is because I peeked in on the reptile website where my S hangs out with all our mutual friends, and it retraumatized me to see them so chummy with him. I think I am just going to have to give up the site altogether, even though it has been a supportive community to me for a few years. I don’t know what he’s doing or with whom.
I think moving is a splendid idea. Perhaps while you are visualizing a new place to live, you could throw in a few upgrades to whatever your present living situation is, so it won’t feel like you’re moving just to get away from him.
You sound very strong to me right now.
wini: sure they’re perfectionists, but in a really warped way. ‘normal perfectionists’ want everything to be nice, they want everyone to be happy, they want life to be fair and just, they want to look like they have it all together. but these freaks of nature only want everything to be nice for THEM, they want everyone to make THEM happy, they want THEIR lives to be fair and just, they want everyone to think THEY have it all together.
there may be some overlap, but i’ve known perfectionists, and most of them include other people in their perfect picture. they’re not hateful toward others, they want the whole world to be like the proverbial picket-fence existence. our mental defectives will kill to appear perfect!
so, yes, i agree that there is perfectionism (when my ex-s/p/n met his new girlfriend he ran and got braces because one of his bottom teeth was a bit crooked! — i always told him it looked cute — i guess she didn’t!). however, it is truly an extreme and brutal perfectionism as it is demanded not only of themselves, but anyone they would choose to associate with.
ewwwwww….
lostingrief: Yes, but to what degree are they (1 thru 10)… where to they fit on the scale … “normal” side or pathological side? Maybe, somewhere as they matured (LOL) they realize that no one can be perfect … but their nerosis is too painful, so they shut down their emotions so not to beat themselves over the fact that they want to be perfect, but can’t. I think there is a lot more going on inside of them … hence why they never do. Anything. Want to be in a loving relationship with another – human nature to do so. But, their perfectionism doesn’t allow it. They love and hate you all in the same time frame. First lusting after you … like the feeling … then as soon as the lust stage is over and they have to see one flaw in the other person (human aspect of the partner) … the hate filters in and doesn’t allow the perfect side to what they think life is all about to creep in and take over… blaming the partner, because they can’t blame themselves. Too painful to analyze they are not perfect because in their minds they are perfect … so they blame the partner and move on to the next perfect partner they are seeking … that person too is human … they go through the same lust/love/hate cycle and off down the road they go.
Give me your feed back.
I think cutting off all contact is the best thing to do, too, even if it means leaving a few friends behind. His leaving and then never looking back was really the best thing he ever did for me! Thank goodness he lives across the state line although he still works his “carefree” job in Tennessee but I have now moved away from the area where he worked. I didn’t want to take any chances on running into him. I honestly just NEVER want to lay eyes on the man again.
I used to have a terrible time keeping my nose out of my ex s/p’s gf’s myspace page!!!! The temptation of knowing that it’s there was just a bit too much! I guess I’m just hoping to look at it one day and see that she’s left his sorry rear by the wayside. But no, last time I looked, headliner read that she’s “thankful for the good life that God has given me”. I hate to tell her but the life she has is not a gift from God. It’s a life that she chose and will no doubt regret someday.
Dear Tami: Sad but how true of all of them. I feel sorry for my EX newest wife … thinking as I did what a great guy he is to find out it was all an illusion at my expense, emotionally and financially. I feel sorry for my EX ex-wife too. Naturally gifted with good looks to see her at our EX’s mom’s wake in 2006, gaining over 300 lbs. When I see weight gain in women after a breakup, it says to me she is internalizing what he did in their relationship and blaming herself. Blaming herself instead of being able to open her eyes and seeing him for his flaws… that had nothing to do with her.
Peace.
Wini: you hit the nail on the head when you wrote that as soon as the S sees a flaw in the person they are with after the honeymoon stage, they look for someone else…hoping that this one won’t have a flaw. My x-s said to me after we were through of course, “i have to stop looking at women like objects.” “I have to stop moving everytime there is something about someone i don’t like.” I remember him looking at me one day and saying, “is this all there is?” “is this all there is to relationships?” “I want something real.” “Something that lasts.” Of course he was cheating on me with someone else when that all came out. In other words, he was looking at the OW as being perfect because he didn’t like the “flaw” in me. The “flaw” was that I didn’t want to have a baby…or talk about it until we were married. He has 7 kids out there and I wouldn’t take the chance. He never married any of those women. So if that was my “flaw” so be it. I wonder if the OW has any flaws??
He also used to look at old couples walking down the street and say, “that’s what i want.” “To be in love like that…grow old together with someone.” He always was looking at couples that way…like he wanted to actually feel that love…but is not capable. I told him one day, “it’s like your on the outside looking through a window.” I also told him he wants someone else’s life. He was always comparing our relationship to those co-workers had with their wives. Once he told me he worked with a guy that married his high school sweetheart. He wished that happened to him. He said, “now all that is out there are leftovers.” What an ass. He also told me about a co-worker who was with an older woman and she couldn’t have kids. So, he left her and found the woman he is with now and is so happy they have a child. Now the older woman never did leave the scene…she still has something going with that guy even though he’s married. I told him that situation was wrong. He doesn’t get right from wrong….or what love is about.
I was giving that AH the entire week to get the deed to my home signed back over to me. Today is Sunday and i’ve texted asking him if he were dropping it off and picking up the rest of his things out of the garage…no word. I’m done. I’m pissed. I am contacting the prosecutor’s office tomorrow.
Am I noticing a pattern here? Do these jerks seem to have some sort of problem in coming back to collect their belongings? I’ve noticed that mentioned in several posts. Mine wouldn’t come and get his stuff out of my way, either! I finally hauled it ALL off to the dump.