By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Yes. Why should they come and get anything they previously owned. They’ll just use the next person’s finances to restock what they need. Either con them into buying for them or stealing their money, credit cards to buy, buy, buy for themselves. I’m sure if we knew all the players involved in their lives … things are left behind in everyone’s places … they never pay for anything anyway.
Iwonder: Everyone human has flaws. That’s part of being human. I think they are perfectionists deep down inside and refuse to see others as real, only seeing us for who we are “flawed human beings”. Hence, why everyone they run into will never be good enough for them … they will all have flaws … so they move on from one person to the next trying to find that someone, anyone, who has NO flaws. IT won’t work … this is crazy thinking on their part. Because they believe themselves to be perfect … they can’t function. They can’t internalize anything negative about themselves (NO insight) … therefore the projection on to others … you are the problem, not them. Never them. It’s so sad. No one is perfect and no one can ever be. We are human to embrass our flaws each and everyone of them. Whatever we can’t deal with … we face it … work on it … either we accept it … or make changes to rid it or better it. Never perfecting anything. We have flaws, all of us. Accepting it makes us “normal” … not accepting it … well, it’s what we are seeing in them. How they live, how they shut down, how they aren’t realistic in life expectations. Hence, how they end up looking horrendous to us … aka monsters. We aren’t machine, you can’t just plug us in and we operate. We are thinking, breathing, feeling humans. Not robots. I think they can’t admit to themselves that they are human with flaws … it’s to fearful for them … If they had to analyze themselves and admit that they are flawed, I think they’d fall apart. Totally self destruct. I think this crazy way they think since they were kids is what prevents them from doing … anything. They can’t do … so they don’t have to blame themselves if something goofs up or mistakes are made. “Normal” people make a mistake, analyze it, move on to improve off the mistake … either never doing that again … or figuring out another route to take to get to the conclusion they want to get to. Not them, they can’t make a mistake … therefore, nothing functions for them. They stayed locked behind their perfectionistic viewpoints … complaining about everything and everyone for not being perfet.
It seems there is a commonality that the grass is always greener. When I first met my ex, he told my how incompatible he and his (supposedly separated) wife were and how he can’t be himself around her. He thought (of course) that I was the one for him, and he was talking future and marriage early on. I remember thinking out loud “What happens when you start to see my flaws?” In fact, I went out of my way not to hold anything back. You know, the little things you try not to show the other in the early stages of a relationship? Jealousy, bad hair days, depressed days, etc….I showed all my flaws to test him. He said “it makes me want you more.” I really thought I’d found the perfect man who could accept me with all my flaws. I tested him for a few months before I finally trusted him. The very next day, the discard happened, after our most intimate experience.
It happened after a particularly intimate evening with him when he announced that he had finally filed the divorce papers, and it would take 3 weeks for them to be finalized. (see my other posts on this). Now most players will have sex and than suddenly lose interest and need to flee the scene. Not this guy. He told me how much he wanted me and needed me afterward and started talking about marriage. The discard came the next day with a no call/no show. He totally blew me off when I asked him about it.
Two days later I get an email from him apologizing. He said he “had no excuse” and he’ll “always love me though”. !!! This was his cowardly way of breaking up with me. He couldn’t even take responsibility for the break-up!!! After that, he said he didn’t break up with me and “hopes we can work things out.” Honestly, I’ve know some sh*thead men. We’ve all known players and womanizers. But this was the craziest behavior I’ve ever seen.
The reason I brought this up is because I was thinking about previous comments about the grass being greener. I think many normal people become disillusioned in their relationships from time to time and start looking around. Part of that is the culture in which we expect instant gratification all the time. Some people do fall out of love with their partner and make a break. But I have never observed any break-up like this. It is really crazy.
Yet there were no unkind words to me (ever), no apparent new OW, and no apparent history of OW–no string of kids in his past, no prison record, no record of doing anything wrong in the army, etc. This is what was so confusing! I thought perhaps his head injury he received in Iraq was making him confused and forgetting to call me, etc. That’s why I was a little easier on him. But it turned out there is no head injury and no divorce filed. Wow.
how did anyone ever deal with your emotional baggage? i need and want to work on mine, i just dont know how!
Iwonder; wow, he’s got seven kids? by how many women? mine is working on his fourth kid with his third woman. he takes care of two of his kids, ignores one. when he finally admitted to cheating and having gotten his new gf pregnant, he said, ”i don’t mind having another kid at this stage of my life.” he said this to me like he was telling his doctor he had a pimple. my jaw was on the ground …. still is!
the promiscuity is amazing. he actually told me he’s only slept with 10 women in his life. i know of about 20; there’s probably 100 or more. the real kick in the ass is that he really, honestly believes its only been 10.
psycopath, sociopath, nutcase, freak of nature, android, liar.
(no offense to andriods.)
LIG: The first kid he had at 15. The next 2 with another woman at maybe 18. I really couldn’t keep track of the others except for the last 2. The last 2 he had with the same woman. He is a presence in the lives of the last 2. One girl 14, one boy 12. The girl he shunned last year because she had a baby at 14. The cycle repeats. The S’s dad also has around 8 out there with different women. The S never really knew his dad. Same pattern. They say sociopathy is hereditary. Now the 12 yr old boy is displaying sociopathic tendencies.
The S wanted one more child and he wanted me to get pregnant. I said, No Way! Not til we are married. I want to know the father will be there. Good thing I did not get pregnant.
Maybe that’s why he went to the OW…to have one more baby. He never married any of the women he had children with. What makes her think he will marry her if she does get pregnant? What a nightmare. They’ll be on welfare in a matter of time. He doesn’t like to work much. She doesn’t make much $.
blondie: I just wrote how I did it. Every time I thought of my EX I would think of him physically punching me in the nose. Each and every time … punch, punch, punch. None of us (in our right minds) would put up with physical abuse. Right? So, even though they didn’t physically abuse us … they did emotionally and mentally. So if I think about him, punch, right in my nose. Punch, punch, punch … and I say “that’s rights – I don’t want to be punched in my nose … why should I think about him and all his abuse”.
Peace. As far as any baggage … dump the emotional baggage on his memory … he owns it. Walk away from it, you don’t own that baggage, he does …
The only thing you are guilty of is loving another human being. Couldn’t help it if we didn’t know how twisted they really were. Not our problems, it’s theirs. PERIOD.
Peace.
wow. sounds very familiar. these creeps all have so much in common i’ve decided they were born from the same pod — they are pod people! he can’t afford the kids he has and he was telling me that he wants another kid too. i’m too old to have them, but honestly, he is headed for disaster.
i am really starting to not care at all about his sick life. someone on this blog mentioned why they want so many kids … oh, right. possessions. they love to possess stuff. sneakers, flat screen tv’s, kids. it’s all the same to them.
Dear Blondie,
I’m dealing with mine slowly, and I think addressing some of the problems I’ve had in ALL relationships…one is that it was almsot impossible for me to set boundaries for people close to me. I had this idea in the back of my mind that I coudl’t “hurt anyone’s feelings” no matter what they did to me. DUH! Doesn’t make sense that it was OK for them to walk on me like a door mat, but godforbid I should say “Don’t walk on me.” Because then, they might be unhappy and leave me. Well, you know what, I have finally realized that people will treat me nice OR GET OUT OF MY LIFE. Don’t let the door hit you in the arse on your way out, jerk!
I never had problems letting people who were not emotionally close to me know what my boundaries were, but I did have a total block on boundaries for “family” and “close friends.” So I started learning how to set boundaries with my friends, and family–the boundary with the Ps was NC—total NC. As the NC has continued I am getting stronger.
I’m also looking at other ways in which I was dysfunctional. Ways that I let my emotions over rule my rational thought.
ONe of the things that was difficult for me was to get the bitterness toward the Ps out of my heart—it was like a cancer eating at my mind. Then, when that was pretty well accomplished, I realized that I was still “feeling guilty” over things I had done in the past, and I worked on FORGIVING MYSELF for those things. I’m human after all, and all humans do things that are wrong, either on purpose or by accident. I’ve done both. But I can’t go back and change that, all I can do is apologize if it is appropriate, make amends if I can, and get the bitterness out of my own heart TOWARD MYSELF.
The next big step now that I have forgiven them and forgiven myself, is to CHANGE HOW I BEHAVE AND THINK. I need to do what is RIGHT, what I know is RIGHT, what I know is GOOD, and take care of myself. I’ve had therapy and it helped, but even therapy can’t make me any better unless I take those insights into my mind and heart and deal with them myself.
Another thing I noticed about myself is that I seem to have needed someone else to tell me that I was “doing right” in other words to “validate” my behavior, give me permission. Now I am VALIDATING MYSELF. I don’t need you to tell me I am right, I believe MYSELF about what is right and wrong.
It’s nice if someone I respect DOES validate me, but having someone else validate me is no longer a REQUIREMENT for me to be sure I have done right in setting a boundary.
Other people’s opinions of my actions had become TOO IMPORTANT to me, and my own opinion not important at all. That is changing now.
There are 1000 different “things I am working on” in the Oxy-self-improvement project, and I make some progress every day, even if just a little. Sometimes I backslide, but over all I think I am moving forward in the right direction.
Henry’s comment (can’t remember which thread it was on) about he is quittiing trying to figure out the Ps and working on figuring out Henry, I think is a positive step. That is about where I am now. I pretty well know what the Ps are, how they think (as much as any normal person CAN know how they think) but I am concentrating instead on ME, how I think that is functional, and how I think or feel that is dysfunctional. I am working on fixing the things about myself that I think need improvement. One step at a time.
YOu might try some therapy for a while and see if that helps, sometimes it does, especially if you get a therapist who understands about Ps and the devestation that they do to us, but the bottom line is that WE have to do the work, they can only give us some insight. (((((Blondie)))))
wini: exactly. mine never hit me either, although he did spit in my face once. i didn’t talk to him for a week then, but he came back with just the right words to get me back.
besides that, he just slashed at my heart over and over again. in the worst ways possible. he had an incredible knack for knowing exactly what words would cut me deepest. i survived the master of all sociopaths. he was brilliant in his deception and king of the liars.
now, as he moves on to a new victim — a young, beautiful, pregnant giggly girl — i can only pray that he will change or that she will get out before it’s too late to repair her heart.