By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Beverly, no matter how much we figure them out … they’ll still do what they are doing … using and abusing those in society who function … who get it.
Time for the courts to haul them all in … it’s the perfect time for rebuilding our infrastructure anyway … assign them community services in the thousands and thousands (did I say thousands, tens of thousands of hours to work to repay their debts – their violations to all of us … their victims who survived.
Enough of this nonsense that they do … I’m so sick of hearing “oh, well you were in a personal relationship … and it’s civil … you, you, you have to be victimized all over again, come up with $$$ to pay to bring them into civil court, yadda, yadda, yadda” It’s not civil, they are criminal. Tune in, they are criminals in society preying on all of us, innocent partners thinking we are beginning loving relationships, the elderly, the workers, the single moms and dads raising their families … society as a whole, conning their way on all of us any way they can.
Put them in slime green jumpsuits … make them work their debts off and lets all call it a day. When they get out and want to continue their damage, pull them back in to court again … assign them hours to work their debts off AGAIN. Don’t understand the first two times around … play it again SAM until they get it right.
Peace.
Wini, I heard that 1 in 16 people is anti social in some way and I think there needs to be more advertising and more education to make people more aware of these people and their behaviour and ploys. I wrote to one large newspaper in the UK and asked them to write an article about personality disorder to make people more aware. In my book, anti socials, players, jerks, cheats and losers are all in the same group. If it hadnt have been for the website Tears and Healing and Lovefraud (both American), I would never have found out what I got myself into.
Dear Beverly: When any cry of help falls on deaf ears … it’s because the ones that are to listen and are in a position of power to make the changes, should be sporting slime green as their color of choice too.
I’m telling you … the slime greeners have taken over the world. Yes, send our braviest oversees to fight the terrorism over there … pay attention over there … don’t put the spot light on us here. Pointing the finger elsewhere. Look over there, not here. Sound familiar to anyone?
And correction, you didn’t get yourself into anything … he got you into the mess … it was preplanned before you ever met him. You, like the rest of us, were in the wrong place at the wrong time. They own their actions, it’s just those in power are turning their heads on us … doing the monkey dance … not to see, hear, say anything. It’s about money, money, money … give them money and you get what you want … no money? Oh, well.
Peace.
LIG,
I’m right there with you today. I am longing for the ex today that I only dated for a few months. How can that be? I am listening to a Cold Play album we both liked and listened to on our second date. I just feel so much pain. I know I am in love with an imaginary person. The person he pretended to be doesn’t exist. But the pain is so real. I don’t understand. It’s been a while since I grieved over a guy like this. I hope I can get past this and move on. The connection I felt with him seemed so real. As for him moving on, I have no idea if he has found my replacement yet. But I would guarantee he is not thinking about me, though sometimes I still wonder. We never made it out of the honeymoon phase when it ended.
I’m hoping I will come out of this a stronger person and more capable of loving, myself. I really hope all this pain is not in vain. One of the good things about turning him in to the army is that (hopefully) it guarantees he will never try to contact me again.
Hugs to you, LIG
Wini: Money Money Money. You got that right. My ex left me a note one night telling me he was going to stay at his friend’s house he needed to see him to borrow money. Found out later it was the OW’s house. When my supply ran out, he went to her. See, he was out of work for 3 months and I thought if I tightened the money belt, it would make him look harder for a job. Plus, I was out of money. I had to take a small personal loan to pay the mortgage that month. When i complained he said, “it’s time.” Yeah..time to go to the next host….parasite!!
You know, I do believe my ex knows right from wrong but choses wrong. He’s slept with so many women. It must seem like a career! Sleep with her…get money! How easier could that be! You should have seen his face, the stress, the terror when he found out his 14 year old daughter was pregnant. He still can’t face her. Said he can’t look at her the same way. The kid that got her pregnant is 21 yrs old and married with a wife and kid himself. He’s a thug. Nothing but a thug. He said, “she’s repeating the same pattern!” I can’t let my kids grow up like this. Yet, he was ok with taking the 12 year old son who was living in my home to the OW’s house to sleep over there 2 nights a week. The son has grown up knowing all of daddy’s women he lived with. He thinks it’s normal to just live with a lady and be taken care of. The cycle repeats.
I think it is written in the Bible somewhere about God cursing 3 generations for their father’s sins. That is what is in my ex’s head. His dad had 8 kids from all different women, my ex has 7 out there. Do you think his son is going to walk the same path? My ex started bringing him to church on Sundays and bought him a Bible. The child enjoys this. Or do you think he sees Daddy going to church and Daddy is ok with sleeping around so why not?
Well tami: I do believe they are perfectionists at conning others as they rape and pillage all of society. And all of society is affected by them, not just us. We’re the whistle blowers …ensuring others are aware … WARNING, WARNING, WARNING WILL ROBINSON.
Peace.
The way I see it … the courts can extend criminal court to include SLIME court.
Peace.
Slime green for the male pillagers of society.
Orange for the murderers and child mollesters (same difference).
Bright, bright RED for the Corporate slugs that got caught.
Hot Pink for the female pillagers of society.
Oh, and a big yellow stripe down the back of the jumpsuit.
Any ideas out there … write them down.
Peace.
Wini: Oh yeah, I believe they are perfectionists in the way you describe it. I misunderstood what you meant by it when you first opened the topic. I’m a little slow these days! What is so sad is that they manage to convince their own family members time after time that each new woman is the “perfect one”. In my case, I never heard anything from his family about how he had behaved in the past until he left me and I just kept hearing, “we thought he’d really changed after he got with you”. Apparently, they recognized some sort of problem before. As soon as he told them about the GF he left me for and declared his great love for her, just as he had for me 8 years prior, they decided that SHE was his fix! The family has never said to him “you’re sick and you have a serious problem” although they surely know this. My ex’s mother seems to be in some sort of denial and wants to believe that each new woman will fix him, or like I’ve said before, I think she may very well be a sociopath herself. I KNOW that she is certainly a pathelogical liar.
Also, there must be a violent side to my ex that I fortunately never saw. His brother and I are still friends and he calls me from time to time to check on me. He hides the fact that he talks to me from his brother and I don’t understand why he’s so worried about it. My ex has done just horrible things to his brother when it comes to women–he’s managed to sleep with all his girlfriends over the years and even his wife. So, I just don’t get it. It seems to me like my brother’s ex would have beat the crap out of him by now. He’s the biggest of the two and has martial arts training. My ex is a wimp!
Star.. it sure is a puzzle how we can long and long for them when they never really even had time to build a relationship with us. I think what hurts so badly is just because like you said it never leaves the honeymoon phase before it’s over. When you break up from a long, bad relationship, there is almost relief at the end, you are glad it’s over.. but with these people it’s like having a sudden accident, losing your arm or something.
today im kinda sad. i havent been sad in awhile. i guess im just expecting me to be ok. when really my emotions are not that ok. i think im doing great and then tiggers come along and knock me right on my butt! i realized that its only been since june so im not expected to be ok. there are a million positive things that i can think of about the goodness of being out of that realtionship. its the aftermath that needs work. they way i feel about myself, the way i feel about other men in the world. im not at all even close to wanting to be close with someone else. im not ready. im not ready to put any of myself in any relationship with someone else. i hope in time that changes. i cry bc i put so much of myself into that realtionship. my love, my energy, my time. worked on trying to fix it. was 100% loyal and devoted to him. spent all my time with him. thought we had this life together. thought we had alot of things but come to find out we really had nothing it was all fake.
he is the biggerst two faced person ive ever met. he is the most vindictive person ive ever met, most selfish, self centered soul. i will never in my life spend my life living a lie again.