By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
DEar Blondie!!!
WAY TO GO!!!TOWANDA!!!!!
thanks babe!
I’m not sure that I’m even in the right blog…but someone said something about the S ending it before the honeymoon stage was over….Amen! Yes! Such a shock! Do you think they do this for pure meaness? It’s SO cruel! You know…call me conceited or whatever…but I started to see a few months ago that I’m SO above these kind of people! They’re the ultimate low lifes and I, personally, know that I deserve SO much better. I’m honestly embarassed that I lowered my self to be with such a person! I’ve always tried to be honest and sincere and good to people! Such a mismatch–especially when everyone else in the world KNEW the kind of person he was! I’m flattered that a lot of people have come forward to say that they wondered how on earth he managed to snag me! We’re above these people! We are the ones with morals and goodness. Let’s try our best to move on and realize that we only gained from them exiting our lives!
I think it was I who posted that, Tami. But after reading some of these blogs, I’m pretty damned grateful he made a speedy exit, and without the devaluing part either! It could have been much much worse. I have to keep reading these blogs over and over to remind myself that he is really a psycho. I spent so little time with him cumulatively that sometimes I forget about the things he did. He was refined, sweet, a total gentleman at all times, paid for everything, always drove, never let me touch my wallet, and always treated me like a queen when we were together, never looked at another woman, seemed too good to be true. And yet, he played all the games and finally went out with an ambiguous discard. He probably realized that I had just fallen in love with him and that I have no money for him to take, so I guess there was no more challenge. On his way out of my life, he emailed me “I know I went too far” (as if he knew it was a game), “but I will always love you though” (as he was moving on to his next victim). I could almost see the smirk on his face as he was already moving on. Two days prior he was telling me how I was the most important person in his life and how much he needed me heart, body, and soul. Actually he didn’t use the word “soul” because he doesn’t have one.
One thing I wish to add more then anything is that our healing and progress is due mostly because of our decision (Truth is this was my sons ideal more then mine) to initiate NC (no contact) and stand by it at all cost. NC will bring the only closure one can hope for in any relationship with those that suffer from a personality disorder. They will never give us that this much I believe to my dying days. Only with closure albeit with a member family or past lover or whatever NC allows anyone to move on and begin to heal from that lost. NC allows one to rebuild without interference and doubt. NC also allows our personal freedom to once again embrace ourselves and then start to trust and love ourselves again. Also NC allow us to forgive those that did us harm and to forgive ourselves for allowing their power over us. In short NC is the answer and should always be our personal goal to finally be free from them that only want what they want, never what we need or want. I really wish I could tell you all the blessing that NC gave not only my children and I, for there are too many to list. If one were to give one’s self anything please please give yourself the gift of NO Contact! It might even save your life.
I think you are right, James. I am having a hard time walking away from my reptile site for good, so occasionally I see him there. Just seeing one of his innocent posts about reptiles is enough to reopen the wounds again. I am trying really hard to fill my life with other things so I can stay off that site. But it has been a very important part of my life for 2 years, and I have many good friends there. The NC in this case is really tough. Even if he or I ever move out of the state, he will always be a part of my reptile community via the internet.
tami and Wini
Perfectionists? I do wonder about that as well…
That they do believe they are perfect and can do no wrong. This of course would explain why they refuse to take into any accountability for their actions. By doing so it would threaded their ideal of being right and perfect in their own view of themselves. It is this illusion of being a perfectionist that they much keep in focus and if it becomes endangered or threaded in some way then they will reject or devalued that person who starts to see the cracks in this very illusion. This is another reason they “move” on. This illusion only works when we confirm and help them keep it alive. They in short need us to help maintain it and give it life. And of course when we stop or question this illusion we instantly become the enemy. This illusion must be maintain at all cost which also explains the need to lie manipulate and use us for the sake of their illusion of being perfect.
When the “new partner” come to light they are already under this illusion about them which explains why it is so hard to awake them and tell them the truth about this person. The new partner i.e. victim has already given them what they need and want more then anything. Someone to believe in and maintain their illusion of being the “perfect partner”. That someday the new partner (victim) too will discover that which was never really there to begin with and was only a illusion.
Stargazer
So sorry to hear about the web site and that you would lose contact with so many others by not visiting and posting on this site. Sorry to say but your ex knows that as well and will use it to his advantage. Not sure what to tell you but NC sometimes demands a very large price. All I can say is that you will be in my thoughts and prays and hope you find a answer..{{{hugs}}}
James, it’s something like what you wrote, only not as deep. I don’t think they really think about it as much as we do. We change things in our lives because we feel awful over something that isn’t working and is not good for us. Eventually, our pain, inside ourselves propels us to leave whatever it is behind us. Not so with them. They perfected their lives the best they could, what works and doesn’t work. They don’t like (gets them frustrated) when you correct them or suggest a correction in themselves. They can’t feel their lives, that’s why they think we are all full of you know what … when we suggest something new for them to wear, or something new for them to act like …etc. They just add or delete what is necessary for them to adopt to a situation. Period. To fit in. There’s no master plan behind what they do except if you threaten their existence … then they pay you back. And threatening their existence can mean anything. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. When I say perfectionists … I mean they perfected their lives to fit in … with whatever situation they have to fit in. If you bust their bubbles of what they perceive to be fitting in … you’ll see them frustrated. Having a temper tantrum … because they perceive that they are fitting in just find … and don’t know what the fuss is all about. They change what they change when they need to make the changes … not when someone else suggest a change. That’s why they look at us like we are all crazy and don’t know what we are talking about. Total confusion. Even when they are arrested and interrogated about something … they really don’t understand what the big fuss is all about. They do on an intellectual level … but not on any kind of emotional level. They know when they do most things that are wrong because they were corrected in their past by parents or others. It’s like this big check list in their minds … can do this, can’t do that, can do this, can’t do that. Oh, I did that … well, someone is going to call me on it. Oh, arrested, OK. What do you want to know?
For us … one we know we are human and that no one is perfect. Second, we change things in our lives all the time … we call it outgrowing something. They don’t outgrow anything … they change because they know what they did before, doesn’t work for this moment in time … so they change … that’s why we call them chameleons.
It’s complicated, but it’s not.
Peace.
James: It’s sort of like when you change the oil in your vehicle. You know you have to change it X amount of miles … so you just do it. That’s what they do … they know for some reason they have to fit in and change, so they just do it. To fit in. It’s like living life from the outside looking in. Can’t quit get in there (life I mean) but they want to, they just dont’ know how. That’s why they want to get to the top of whatever they are doing … so they don’t have to change all the time … they just bark orders and don’t pay attention to me at the top of the heap. They must be exhausted doing all that they do everyday. Think about it. We just do and live our lives. They’ve got to calculate every single move or they are called on the carpet. Always not fitting in. They have no clue why either.
That’s why I say, pray for them. They really are so sad and little kids.
Peace. Plus, that’s why we can’t ship them to another country all by themselves … we are the guardians over them. Make no mistake about this.