By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Wini
No doubt you are right insomuch that I tend to look (read) for some sense or order in a person even when there is none to be found. I live in a world (understanding) that for every question there is a answer and for every problem a solution. Of course on my part this isn’t very realistic. Some problems may never be solved or only answered in the future. So this might just throw my “illusion” theory out the window. Or in part true but in other way not so true. I do know they will go to great lengths to appear to be something they really aren’t. They do this of course because of their own insecurities. Example would be that if being in control at all times gives them what they want then they do that but if not being in control and allow you to make all the decision gets them what they “want” then they adapt to that just as easier. Some call them true chameleons insomuch that they can change characteristic personality traits and attributes as easily as you would change your clothes. I believe they can do this only because they really don’t have a core personality. This might explain the need to incorporate other peoples personalities and then simulate that into themselves. When one does this then (the other person) who wouldn’t enjoy being around them and learn to love them so quick. What I mean it that you are really enjoying your own company and loving your own self. Good example of this is what I read in Amber Frey book about Scott Peterson. When Amber Frey explained how effortless it was to be with Scott. Then only later did she learn that the real Scott was never there with her and that Amber was only seeing herself and enjoying her own company. Hard to put into words but I sure you understand what I mean. In short we love them for what we love in ourselves….
James: What if, just what if, the way God wants us to live allows for the different enzymes and everything to go off in our bodies and minds as we learn the wisdom of God’s way. We learn these lessons and enzymes change in our bodies and brains … we learn another lesson and our minds and bodies get to another level, then another level. We mature as we take each righteous step in life … having all God’s virtues being distributed throughout our molecules. Same with our EXs … never doing what God asked them to do, so enzymes and such don’t go off in their minds and bodies. What science and medical professionals are noticing that they are missing, or are these just dormant? Dormant on purpose because they are not stretching themselves the way God wants them to live. Only the nonsense that their egos reaffirm … year after year are preventing the molecules in their minds and bodies from transforming.
Just a thought that keeps coming back into my mind … trying to figure out God’s word versus science and medical views. Actually, it all goes hand in hand.
Peace.
some days i think about my relationship alot and what i went though. im still hurt by what he did to me. im not over it at all. i really thought i had something with someone. here i am starting all over again. having to change your life is so uncomfortable. i know alot of people are happy and proud that i didt go back to him. im also happy and proud that i got out. but im somewhat still embarrsed by the fact that i put up with him for 2 years. i dont think ive forgiving myself yet. no matter what a D*** he was and still is. no matter how much he lied and cheated. it still doest take away the feelings you had for someone. the feelings i had were real feelings that i had for someone. someone who didt love me back.
Dear Blondie,
You kow, forgiving myself was the hardest part to me I think, and it is something that you can work on. You were DUPED. That doesn’t make you bad, or stupid or anything besides a caring person who was lied to.
Sweetie, you didn’t waste a lifetime with him, and I know folks who have been with the jerks for 30-40-50 years, lost their entire lives to a psychopathic jerk. I’ve lost most of mine to one or another, but even I can forgive myself and enjoy the REST OF MY LIFE P-FREE! So can you, sweetie! You love him, but that feeling WILL PASS, you won’t be miserable about it the rest of your life, I promise you.
I’M PROUD OF YOU, and I know your friends and loved ones are too. The people who REALLY love you! TOWANDA!
Hey blondie: You and the rest of the LF bloggers didn’t write back whether we are all meeting for the holidays? Partying with each other, enjoying each other’s company. Telling truths, no deception … just kick starting our lives again.
As far as wanting that real man to come into your life. Pray to God for a good man who you can love and will love you back. Ask God that the man believe’s in God and all of God’s virtues.
Invite us all to the wedding after God listens to and answers your prayers?
Keep the faith.
Peace.
Hi everyone,
It’s starting to feel like a little family here, and I couldn’t help checking in to see how everyone is doing. I really wish I could meet up with you guys for the holidays. I usually spend them alone. I will see what I can do.
I have been meditating tonight and have started to let go of some of the anger and feel some (brace yourself) forgiveness. I really want to move on in my life. It’s so hard without getting any closure, when you can’t have a conversation with him and ask him why he did what he did, because everything he will say will be a lie.
What I know for sure about my ex is that he is a pathological liar. He never showed any anger or violence around me. He never tried to steal my money. In fact, he always paid for everything and treated me exceptionally well up to the end, if you didn’t know about the lies, that is. He seems to genuinely care about his daughter. So I’m still struggling with wondering if he’s a true sociopath or just has some of the traits. To me, it does not matter whether he cheated on his wife before me or after me. It doesn’t matter if he’s never said an unkind word or had an unkind thought about me after we split. The fact is that he lied to me many times without batting an eye. This is not something I could ever tolerate from anyone, no matter what the label is for that kind of behavior. I know I could not go back to him and can never let my guard down around him. But I’m starting to be less angry. I’m seeing him for the screwed up and selfish person he is and trying not to take it personally. I kind of feel sorry for him. If he’s that empty inside, he will never find peace.
Still I really need closure. I wish I could have a conversation with him to ask him why he did it. But since that can never happen in real life, I will have to ask him in spirit (or ask God) and get my answer that way. The forgiveness part is really important to me now because I want to be able to go back on my reptile site without having panic attacks. I’m still turning him in to the army for what he did. I don’t think he really cares. I think he knows he is a creep and knows he deserves what he gets. All I can say is thank God I got out when I did. The damage could have been much worse.
Hugs to all,
StarG
DEar Stargazer,
Hang in there sweetie, you are doing everything that you can do to get and stay on the “healing road.”
Wanting “closure” is of course what we all want, and we come to realize that we have to MAKE THAT CLOSURE OURSELVES. It isn’t like the”regular” break up with closure and all that, it is that we realize that they are LIARS, THEY ARE THE LIE.
I have no doubt that your X is a P, even if he didn’t beat you, he is a DEAD BEAT LYING CHEAT–would him having hit you or stolen your wallet make him worse? Nah, he is the LIE. He is A LIE. He deserves what he gets from the army, he he earned it.
What is good is that YOU wil be okay, and he will always be a creep, an cheating, lying creep! You are right, he will never find peace. ((((hugs))))
Thanks, OxD,
You have been such an inspiration to me. I really am feeling somewhat better today and like I can actually get past this. Remembering, of course, that I only knew this guy for 2-1/2 months. This is nothing compared to what some of you went through, and still it felt like being in a train wreck.
I had a really bad break-up about 7 years ago with a man I was living with for 3 years and had known for 5 years. He was not a P but was a very selfish person. He hurt me so badly at the end that I packed my things and left and never spoke to him again. The fact that I never had closure with him haunted me. I dreamt about him for years (and still do sometimes). In the dreams I was having an imaginary conversation with him where we analyzed what went wrong, realized we loved each other but could not be together, and went our separate ways. I hope I can work this one out on the astral, too. It just sucks so bad not getting any closure in real life again. But real life closure is for real people, not for fake ones I guess.
Thanks for the reality check again. He really IS a creep and doesn’t even deserve the courtesy of a single word from me ever again.
I know I see the world through rose-colored glasses, but I like that part about myself. I’m not going to let the P take it away. I like the person I am and I like the fact that I see the good in people. I may never see good in him, but I will at least find neutrality in not hating him. I will find some way to turn what happened with him into something positive.
My goal is to never be afraid of him again. So that if he were ever standing in front of me talking to me, I could look at him and say. “Everything you say is a lie.” But without any anger, fear, or hostility. Just as if I were holding up a mirror. If he ever tried to tell me he loved me again or he’s sorry he hurt me, I would just say, “I don’t believe anything you say.” I don’t want to be afraid of him. I don’t want to go into panic attacks because I see him on my website. I just want to accept him for what he is and just go on with my life.
Wini
Lord only know how I wish I knew what plans God has for them. I fear no man but God I don’t fear knowing he die for me and loves me. But what if I didn’t do what ask God wanted to me do? From experience each time I fall from God’s grace in someway I end up paying for my own foolishness. I have seen this happen to me over and over again. Then so what happens with them that would also fall from his grace? Really I try not to think about that too much, so much it is better just to leave it in his hands. I know God wants all to be saved and none of his children to be lost…. Well, guess all we can do is pray that somehow God will bring even these “bad” little boys and girls unto himself…