By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
I know for me it took 2 1/2 years to forgive her and myself for what happen. OMG 2 1/2 years, now that is insane! Also that is the longest it ever took me to forgive someone. Guess the hurt for me was even deeper then I wanted to acknowledge!
Hi Star: Don’t worry so much about having that closure conversation. I did have the opportunity. After I discovered my x S was living a double life with another woman I looked at him and asked, “why?” “Why did you do that?” His answer was, “I don’t know. Guys do f’d up things.” In addition he said, don’t you think I know what I did? Don’t you think I know I could never be with you again because you could never forgive me? He was emotionless. A matter of factly statement. I wanted him to cry, to ask for forgiveness. To tell me he was sorry and would never do it again and be with me til the end of days.
You have closure. He did what he did because that’s who he is. A fraud, liar, cheat.
James: I’m looking at this from my own life experience. I have two sisters who had the same parents as I. My father was unconditional love, never belittling you, always loving you, had a great outlook about life, was very involved in his children’s life from teaching us how to tie our shoes, to riding our bikes, to taking pictures of us on family vacations, at the beach, in the country, whatever we did, my father was very involved with our lives. I’m sure he changed our diapers too. Same with my mom, unconditional love to a point, then she was a typical mom pushing your buttons when she needed too. Hey, 3/4 quarters unconditional love from my Mom … not bad? My middle sister always had a chip on her shoulders, especially when it came to me. We are almost a year apart. My other sister I’ll explain later.
I was in my crib sleeping and my middle sister was playing elsewhere in the house. All of a sudden, my mom notices my middle sister was very quiet. My mom came into the room where I was sleeping and caught my sister holding me upside down by my ankles. My mom grabbed me out of my sister’s hands … and never left me alone with her again until I grew taller than she. Why? Because my sister was jealous that I was born. Had an attitude about this her entire life. To this day, my sister argues and competes with me? Why, she’s never gotten over the injury when she was 1 years old and that I was born.
This is beyond ridiculous. But, this is what it is in a nutshell.
EGO at it’s height…taken over my middle sister as soon as my parents brought me home from the hospital. At the ripe old age of 1 years old, she figured out that she was no longer the dotted baby of the family … that another baby came into the family … she went from being humble as a young 1 year old to figuring out how to act out to get the attention her ego craved.
I have a friend who worked for the same organization I did. Different location, but same organization. She went through what I went through, 8 years prior. To this day, she can not get over her bitterness about what her co-workers did to her. Why? Ego. Her ego is holding on to her righteousness. No matter how much I talk with her to let this stuff go … that they own it, we don’t own it. She won’t budge. She insists on destroying any future happiness that should come into her life. Why? Because her ego won’t let it go.
My oldest sister went through what all of us are experiencing 30 years ago. She stayed bitter and upset about it ever since. The experience with her EX destroyed 30 + years of happiness. Why? Because her ego is holding on to the pain. Her EX went through 4 wives since dating my sister and who knows what this character is doing today. No matter how much we told her, he owns his behavior, not her, stop blaming herself. Her ego won’t let it go.
I can go on and on with examples of people I personally know in my life and what has happened when righteous people run into people living from their egos. I worked with hundreds, actually hundreds of people who are like our EXs … never walking a righteous path in their lives.
I know for me, any time I pay attention to what is written in the Bible and I test it out for myself, not only does it work, but something happens in side of me. I don’t know if it’s a glow of happiness but you can actually feel this calm and serenity come over your entire body.
So what if, what if doing what our creator asks us to do is tripping off all the molecules in our bodies … and you wouldn’t know this unless you lived your life the way he wants us to live?
So if I can feel this … what if because our EXs live in their egos and not living righteously is making what they need to feel and the rest of the chemical reactions go dormant?
Just a thought?
Please allow me to say thank you all for taking the time and effort to post your comments. You see, I feel I have a debt to repay. My journey started by some unknown person who gave me a link to Dr Carver’s web site. From there another door opened then another. Soon some of my answers from this came pouring into me. Allowing me understanding knowledge and personal power. In short I own a debt of gratitude which I can never repay. But maybe in some small way by allowing others to see and share my pain I too might influence someone to open this dark door behind the “eyes” of a sociopath so that they too might be able to find the peace and understanding that was so unselfishly given to me…
God bless you all! And know I will pray for each one of you and others a speedy recovery from this heartrending and distressing situation! Knowing that someday each one of us will again see the sun shine and then know that we are all lovable and once again be filled with self respect and self worth!!
Thank You!
You too James and best of luck on your oh so familiar journey raising your kids with an ex like that.
Hi james I just read your letter, it is familiar to me because my mother was the same, I have put a blog about her if you can find it. she ruined my dads life, he never recovered from her, and I dont think I have, the first time she left she took me and the second time she left me. I didnt realise what she was until I strted writing about the things she did, I just knew she wasnt like other mothers. My father provided my nurturing, and I think fathers can do an excellent job, nothing was too much trouble and I knew I was loved.
I still have contact with her but she can still wreak havoc in the lives of all her children and grandchildren.
I have gone on to marry a S who I have lived with for 21 years. I have always put up with his behaviour probably because that is what I am used to. My mother is the only person who doesnt show any shock about some of his behaviours, she seems to find it all faintly amusing, I know what you mean about the smirk, she always has it if she is lashing into someone emotionally. We dont hear much from her only when theres a drama brewing and she likes to have a front row seat then she goes and tells all her acquaintances, I wont call them friends because she seems to despise them behind their backs, I grew up to think that bitching about people was normal behaviour, I didnt realise it was anti-social until a few people confronted me about it. I hope your children are ok now and go on to have good relationships, You seem like a very supportive father and I know that helped me
good luck
just to add my daughter describes her S dads eyes as his ‘mad’ eyes it is as if they are showing the rage happening within
moraira43: Yes, out of the mouths of babes.
Peace.
moraira43
Not a day passes the I don’t thank God from the bottom of my heart that she is no longer a part of our life. I never knew that there could be such sweet peace! Good luck to you as well and always remember that we are lovable and will recover from this..
I cant wait for that day though obviously there is a lot of mixed emotions. He knows I have changed because he has become even more distant and cold. He has no access to my money now and he doesnt like it one bit, tried to steal from his own daughter this evening.