By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
James, I’m so sorry that your children had to go through this ordeal but am glad to hear how well they are now doing. Unfortunately, my grown son was witness to the torment that my ex S put me through. He is my son from a previous marriage.
My ex made his sudden announcement that he was unhappy and wanted to leave–felt he needed to prove to himself that he could “be on his own” as he had never even “paid his own rent”. It was at that very moment that for the first time, I saw that nothingness you speak of in his eyes. His entire facial expression changed. My gut told me that this was NOT the reason behind his leaving–why would he start wanting to assume responsibility at nearly 40 years old? Didn’t make sense. I asked him over and over if there was another woman and he denied it repeatedly. I begged him to stay and all I got was screamed at that he “had to leave” and those piercing cold expressionless looks. He stayed 3 weeks after telling me that he wanted to leave. I will NEVER forget those 3 weeks of his going back and forth…telling me that he loved me and wanted to stay…but with no emotion behind it and then screaming at me that he had to leave. Then, telling me how much he loved me and wanting to have sex with me. I attempted to fill his every need as I was trying to save my marriage. As soon as the sex was over, he’d turn on me and I’d stare with disbelief at his behavior into those black empty holes that I once saw as twinkly blue eyes. It was a living nightmare! Then, I found out that there was indeed another woman and made him leave immediately!
I kept asking myself how on earth a man could treat me, his wife, the woman who had actually saved his own life when he was once very ill, as well as the person who had supported him financially and bought him everything from new drumsets to customized pick up trucks, and also the woman he had NEVER even had so much as a disagreement with–in such a cold and indifferent manner!!!! As soon as he told me that he wanted to leave, his entire personality changed! He was happy, carefree and even dragged me along when he went to the places where his new GF and her husband would be!!! I had NO idea what was going on at the time. I guess he used me for his “cover” when he was around her husband. Once during those three weeks, he even invited them over to our (MY) house for drinks. Thank God, they declined! I’m sure they wouldn’t have been able to have hidden their interest in each other and a killing might have taken place right there at my house! In my opinion, that was deceit at the highest level.
These people are evil and don’t even deserve to be a part of society!
Is anyone watching Oprah’s show with the author thinking he knows why men cheat? I hope she’s going to let LF bloggers have their say. We can teach him a thing or two … or is he just a con wanted all these women not to look and see what they are really living with. Giving them false hopes that these men are insecure and don’t express themselves. Oh, what a tangle web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
Peace everyone … please stay tuned to that guy hawking his books to convince everyone that they are not seeing what they should see. Me thinks he’s a con artist, or at least, very naive.
James, I have two children, also – 11 and 13. My 13 year old son had headaches regularly for several years. His father left nearly a year ago, and he has had only one headache since. Both my children have told me, we never knew dad anyways, so we don’t miss him. I have thought perhaps they are trying to make themselves feel better by thinking these things. But I know now that children are very perceptive and also very resilient. They saw things in their father that I either didn’t see or chose to ignore.
That blank stare of nothingness… I know it well. I had seen it for years, but just thought he must be tired from all the work and all the travel. Must be stress I convinced myself. Looking back, I must have been crazy – the man never stressed about anything, EVER. Everything was always “great” in his eyes – never a complaint, never a worry. I would make a meal that was not all that great, he would say “you are the best cook”, when I knew I was not a good cook. We would get ready to go out, he would tell me how great I looked. My son recently told me that “Dad always told you you looked good, even when he didn’t look at you”. He did?? Yes, he did. That’s because I never existed to him.
He can tell the kids he misses them, and the next week he is not able to see him on his scheduled days because he is in Europe with his latest victim.
When I speak with him now, I can feel myself getting sucked into his delusional world. I can hear how he is able to convince all those around him that he is a great guy. It frightens me now. I will not ever understand how a sociopath is able to use their charm so wisely. It is a skill that they master. It’s not anything a “normal”, non-disordered person could do or even learn to do.
I know that our children are so much better off without these disordered parents in their lives. My kids are happier now than they ever have been. That is the resiliency of kids.
But me… I still struggle. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces. I go forwards and backwards in my recovery. I’ve asked him “how could someone do this to another human being and just not care?” I get the blank stare. “Of course I feel remorse”, he says, without even the slightest hint of emotion behind the words.
Once a sociopath has had you in their grip, it is so hard to break free. I know we’re all working at it. So glad I can read everyone’s story on LF. It helps to know you’re not alone.
Ah, the look. The look.
Here’s a strange story about “the look.” As I have posted before (I think), I first experienced that glittery, malice-filled beam of sheer hatred from the former “love of my life” about a week after I threw him out, when we met at a local business office to settle some of our affairs. I was struck weak-kneed by the intensity of his hatred, but I managed to get through the encounter with only a bit of shaking and a few quavers in my voice. He was furious to be kicked out.
I got that look again at another meeting a couple of weeks later, when we sat together in my vehicle outside his favorite morning coffee shop, after I had found him living with a girlfriend about 1/3 his age. He was furious to be found out.
After that, in the process of our split, he changed his storyline. At first, it was all hatred and I was cast as the “bitter, scorned woman,” jealous because I had been replaced by a younger woman. For some reason known only to him, he began to claim his girlfriend was only a platonic roommate to all who would listen, and I was no longer “scorned” but just “crazy.”
Then began the two-years of utter insanity as he tried to get his old life back through one lie after another, but never leaving the household with the girlfriend (and then a second girlfriend later on)! This is neither here nor there, but once he changed his storyline, I no longer saw “the look” on him. It was nothing but the “pity me” face after that.
Now for the strange part: as part of getting him out of my life, I right away took down all the photos of him in the house and put them away. Then I began a top-to-bottom cleaning of my house. Well, when I got back around to the closets a few months later, and got to the photos again, I saw something I had never seen before. In EVERY ONE of our posed, studio family portraits, EVERY ONE, there he stood with that cold, dead psychopath stare on his face.
In all the years we had been together, in all the thousands of times I had glanced at the photos, I never saw it. I knew he had “trouble” taking pictures, and I’d tease him and ask him why he always looked so “serious,” but I never really saw what he was really conveying. It was almost as if he knew I’d someday look back on all those photos through different eyes, and he wanted me to see the monster within when I did. Well, I saw it all right.
I’ve never been one for destroying photos, but these might go in the big bonfire I plan for the day I change my name to one of my own choosing, the day I finally get his hateful, disgusting mark off of me.
Tood: Photos do speak a thousands words. It’s amazing when I look at photos of newlyweds … one beaming, the other showing that no look on their face, neither here nor there look. Or better still, really looking at a couple supposedly in love … as the partner who can’t love (head and body leans away from the partner, as the one who can love is leaning in, head bent towards the partner. Let’s not dissect the family portraits … majority of the family’s heads leaning in towards each other … and the one who’s not?????
That’s the weird thing.. when I first started dating my ex-bf he was a bit detached.. but he became more and more attached to me, touching me, looking in my eyes with a completely gaga look. His friends were astounded and said they had never seen him in love nor ever thought they would. I have never been in love before either.. this one is not a total S/P but more of an N. And silly as it sounds now, whenever I look back.. I remember that transformation.. that guy fell for me just as much as I fell for him.
But I think these people learn early on that they are different.. that their feelings do not work in the context of an emotional world. They make their unhealthy little systems to deal with their lives, and they stick to them religiously.
I went through some of this myself when I was younger. I was very traumatized as a kid and by my twenties had lost most of my emotions. Certainly I never bonded properly with my first baby. I remember looking around the nursery and copying what the other mothers did, because I felt nothing. But eventually I built a great relationship with my daughter, and for many years now she has been my best friend.
I wonder.. do sociopaths have to go through their entire lives as emotional cripples.. always looking around to see what reactions they should be having?
I know the look very well James…..and like you, I’ll never forget it….While your guts are laying on the floor, and you are overwelmed by the devastation, they look at you without blinking, almost with a puzzled look on their face. Like some unfeeling robot in some science fiction movie from the 50’s…. When mine was walking out the door for the last time, I told her that she was the most selfish person I had ever met.. she turned toward me and smirked and nodded her head in agreement… a second later she was gone.
tood; your post took my breath away. my jaw is on the freakin’ floor. “malice filled beam of sheer hatred” i got that today during the first conversation with my ex-p/s/n in 5 weeks. he needed some computer files i didn’t have. he unleashed a tirade that sounded like he was spitting nails at me. i was dumbfounded and my heart broke all over again. remind me why they hate us so much even though we didn’t do anything!?!?!?!?!?!
southernman429: woah! the thought of a woman being like that sickens me more than a man (for some strange, very uncharacteristically unfeminist reason). what a visual that was. i’m so sorry.
Lostingrief………
As all of us here do… I have a whole mental photo album of visuals that range from the happiest memory.. to the most gut wrenching….the bad seems to cloud over anything that was good….with all of them, my heart has died a thousand deaths……but I am lucky.. unlike James and others here, I did not marry her, have children with her, own a home with her, or own a business with her, or be with her for many years…..One does not have to look very far to find someone who has suffered more then one’s self…..I was very lucky indeed. Even though I have always known that I escaped a lot more pain then I could have had with her, I have always felt on some level that I was the one who lost out.. I was the loser, even though she is the real loser…I asked someone recently who knew her and us as a couple and was also duped by her, why I still felt like I lost something that should/could have been so great….. They told me “Because she wasn’t what she appeared to be”…..Now… we all know that is the basis of our pain with P’s and socio’s.. and this website is based on that knowledge….I knew this all along…but, the reply made perfect sense… for something that has never made sense…I’ve read the books.. i’ve read the posts here.. I’ve been to the websites.. I’ve talked about this to my friends until I had no more friends….It took this right person telling me something I already knew, at the right time, for me to really get it. Thank you God!
Just another reminder to LF bloggers … their motives behind what they do/did to us, usually stems from GREED, the mother of all sins.
With the way our world is today, and the political correctness that was conveniently shoved down everyone’s throat to abide by, can’t call a spade a spade today … oh, noooooo it’s political incorrect. Give me a break with everyone’s bulls*@t forcing society as a whole to close our eyes … cover ups, smokescreens, brickwalls … so that no one figures out what they are all about … check out the vices in the Bible.
And vices … not God’s virtues are what they are all about.
Peace.