By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Ok Moraira,
Check with the criminal law, police, about his FRAUD. That might make him leave and FIND a place to go. They are quite resiliant in finding places when they HAVE TO, but unless they have to they will stay with what they have and just keep on acting out.
Jen’s suggestion about “Ok, whatever” is great idea. It does work.
Checking with the domestic violence agency is also a great idea. They may know what is available. Use every resource you can find! Keep your determination.
Another option for money might be to rent out a bedroom to someone if you have the room. Maybe a nice LARGE MAN. LOL
Hi everyone, have had a terrible day with s.
He came home from work acting all calm (i had already asked him to leave) he asked if I wanted a cup of tea. I said no, he said we need to do some shopping, i said i would do it online. He starts to change when things are not goin as he had planned. started to gradually build up to a rage.
I told him if he refused to go and he was determined to stay in this house then if he wanted me to provide him with a car, diesel and food he would have to show that he was paying the utilities as agreed. ( he has not paid them)
H is blaming me for everything again, says I am a button pusher and he would put me out of my misery.
he says he is going to report me for harrassment as he has the texts on his phone when i was trying to get him not to go round to daughters boyfriend (they are nothing bad, they actually make him look bad) he seems desperate now and said i needed to think what i was doing to outr daughter it wasnt fair she was living in this environment, i told him she wouldnt have to if he went.
says I am making his life a misery, I have to forget everything that has happended it is in the past.
I suspect he has been on the phone to my family as he said to me that I have been spilling the beans about him.
He is making me feel like it is my fault, my daughter says she is having 2nd thoughts about him even though she knows the full extent of what he has done, he has twisted everything round to make me look guilty
moraira43
This is emotional blackmail and threats…
You doesn’t care how you or your daughter feel about him visiting boyfriends parents or the boyfriend himself. All he cares about is him self. What in God’s name would this solve by talking with his parents other then to tell them “his” point of view. Believe me he will “slander” you and blame all this on you when he does talk with the parents. He wants to get as many people on his side as possible no matter who gets hurts. If there were any doubt about him as a P/S there isn’t now! This is a typical “power” move so please be careful and inform all parties which would be your daughter her boyfriend and the boyfriends parent. You might also get ready to call the police. We never really know how bad things can get with any sociopath so be ready for anything..
Jen2008
“Ok, whatever.”
OMG Jen!
That is what my children and I would do all the time when she tried to get us into some kind of struggle with her. Or when she would lie to my oldest or me..
It was our only protection and defense…
“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”“Ok, whatever.”
24/7…..
he is mad cos i hav told him i am selling the car, I have offered him some money for a downpayment. he says he is cancelling the insurance but will still drive round in it so I dont get paid out if he crashes. said I’m stupid if I sell it,
before he left room told me to leave him alone now I am ruining his life, and when I tell people all they will think is how stupid I am for putting up with it for so long
just to add I said “Oh whatever” and he stormed upstairs to spare room, his new lair so thanks it definitely works
Dear Moraira,
My P-son did the same thing, he used lettrs and parts of letters I had sent to him to send to my mother to convince her I was crazy. He is doing the same thing. Even if everyone in the WORLD thinks you are wrong, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. He will recruit anyone he can lie to to get them to believe you are EVIL. Don’t you fall for it.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR HIS ABUSE. You are setting boundaries and limits. If he doesn’t pay the utilities, let them be turned off. You can live without them for a while. Then when he leaves turn them back on. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY. I mean NONE. If you do he will waste it, you have said he has done the same thing in the past, bought toys for himself while not paying for necessities.
If the house is dark then he might not want to stay there, or he might pay the bills.
TWO Can play at that game. If he is working, then he can pay his share of the family bills.
As far as FOOD, buy things that you and your daughter can keep in your rooms and eat, but DO NOT FURNISH HIM FOOD EVEN. You can live out of cans and boxes for a while, it won’t kill you, and if he wants food, he can go buy it for himself.
He can cook it for himself.
Do not wash his clothing. Wash only the clothing tht you and your daughter wear. If the power goes off andyou can’t wash at home, go to a laundry mat and wash YOURs but not his. Or wash them out in the sink. If there is no water, buy bottled water. Let him be miserable. You can manage.
The water at our farm well was ruined by some natural gas drilling company for a while and my son and I hauled water in 5 gallon cans, you can buy plastic “petrol” cans in 5 gallons and you and your daughter can go somewhere public and fill a couple up each day. That will hgive you enough to drink and bathe in a pan with. DON’T LET HIM BLACK MAIL YOU.
He may even call your mother or sisters and tell them how you are abusing him. Don’t let it work. IT ONLY WORKS IF YOU LET IT. No matter what anyone says to you, just say back, “I am having problems with “john” right now, and I don’t care to discuss it. I am handling it appropriately.” REPEAT as necessary.
You have to be as STUBBORN as he is, more so. Talk to your daughter and let her know what you are doing. Tell her that the total thing is to get him out of the house. Once he is gone, you can take in a boarder if you have to to meet the mortage, but you CAN survive, you just have to be creative about it.
I call it the “potted plant” routine. Treat him like a POTTED PLANT. DO NOT CATER TO ANY OF HIS NEEDS. NOT FOR FOOD, FUEL, OR ANYTHING ELSE. LET HIM SPEND HIS MONEY ON HIS OWN NECESITIES RATHER THAN WASTE IT. If he can’t afford booze and food, he might decied to buy his own food. You do shopping or order in while he is gone and put it in your room where he can’t find it. Buy things tht don’t require refrigeration, and if you need refrigerated things, then get an “ice chest” and keep in your room.
Don’t buy him toilet paper or anything that he would use. If you have to share a bath with him, take the roll back to your room and hide it. Get a lock for your room so he cannot come in there. Lock it when you are gone.
If he is going to “war” with you, you might as well fight back and resist. I would also suggest that you get some pepper spray if it is legal there, and if it isn’t, OVEN CLEANER SPRAY to the face or any caustic spray will work to get him off of you if he starts to attack you. Then after you spray him call the police immediately and tell them you sprayed him because he attacked you.
YOU CAN SURVIVE, you can get him it just means TOTAL NON-COOPERATION with him. He is going to turn up the heat as much as he can by talking badly about you to others, but this CANNOT HURT YOU if you are determined. Hang in there Moraira! Remember how he has treated you for 21 years! (((hugs))))
thanks Oxdrover
sound advice, I am totally withdrawing from him, he is acting like a cornered wild animal, the personal insults have started already.
He seems to think I am going to allow him to drive round in my car, and that I pay the diesel for him. I am contacting garage to sell it. I told him he would have to take public transport to work tomorrow but he blew up on me and said he would put me out of my misery, I said to him is that a threat to kill and he switched it to say no I was talking about leaving you. Obviously not true as he is refusing to leave. It is going to be a long road with him, I didnt think he would be so devious, was acting like nothing happened and them just changed when he realised he wasnt going to brainwash me.
It just makes me more determined to see the real person behind the mask. I even managed a Sociopath like smirk when he said I was trying to ruin his life. He was taken aback I could tell because I acted cold and shrugged my shoulders at him, it felt good. Underneath I am dying though but I am playing tough now.
Dear Dear Moraira,
The thing that is so wonderful about this blog is that those of us who have been through the wringer can “see” what your P is doing. It is in many ways like they act out their things by a “Psychopath rule book”—yes, some of them are more dangerous than others, like his “thinly veiled threat” to put you out of your misery. DUH!
Did you get a tape recorder? GET ONE TOMORROW. Keep it in your pocket ON every time you say a word to him or him to you. This is great. If he says the “I will put you out of your misery” thing again, any cop would view this as a threat to kill you. I think most likely he was only posturing, but YOU NEVER KNOW, so BE SAFE he might actually try it.
Barricade your door closed with a chair under the knob at night. Do not go to sleep where he can sneak up on you or your daughter.
I am glad that you took the car away from him, but remember what I said—if they are cornered they can fight back. I cut my son out of my will and he tried to have me killed (before my mother passed away) so that he at least could not be cut out of the trust. Fortunately, I “trumped” that ace, and even if I were to die before my mother does and he gets money from the trust, he will have to spend it from jail as I made a DVD of me begging the parole board NEVER to let him out. I think a mother’s plea to NOT let her son out of prison because he will kill again should carry some weight with them. Not only the victim’s mother begging not to let him out but HIS OWN MOTHER. After the Trojan HOrse P learned that I had made the DVD and even if I did die and my P son got money after my mother died, he would still be in PRISON, the TH-P changed his tactics and he and my DIL (C’s wife,not P’s wife as he dosn’t have one) decided to steal money and run off together after killing son C. They went to jail for that attempt. But it is only by the grace of God that they were not successful in killing him.
Do not be suprised at how “low” your P can go if his “safety and security” is threatened by your failure to provide financially for him. BE ON GUARD. Literally do not turn your back on him, and arrange if you can never to be alone in a room with him, and always keep your little pocket tape recorder going. Do not speak to him on the phone if you can’t record it. PROOF PROOF PROOF PROOF, think of everything as proof that you are being abused, threatened etc.
“Just because you are paranoid does NOT mean someone is NOT OUT TO GET YOU.”
When my P-son realized he couldn’t control me, he was frustrated to the max, and that was when he hatched his “plot” to get control of the rest of the family assets. He did not want anyone but himself to have anything.
He hates that I am IN CONTROL of my own assets and would not be influenced by him, in fact, ordered around by him. They have a big need for CONTROL, so your P will up the ante for a while, as IT HAS ALWAYS WORKED IN THE PAST, so they will just raise the stakes a bit thinking that if he does, you will CAVE in like you always did before. He is going to be anxious and afraid, so I say again, do NOT let your guard down. BE SAFE. I don’t know if he has ever hit you before, but he might start now so it is very important that you be COOL, no matter what he does or threatens to do, BE COOL. Don’t let him make you “fight” or react. Just a good acting job. Keep your expression as FLAT as you can as well is my advice. They don’t really know how to respond if you aren’t giving them clues. Of tjeu treaten and scream and lie and accuse and you just stand there with a flat affect, it isn’t having the response that they want, that they NEED
Moraira he is trying to get you to do the usual and act like nothing has happened. My exes did it to me all the time.
My second husband STILL does it but since we are separated and have to have dealings with each other for our son, I accept is as the only apology I’ll ever get out of him lol. We still have 9 more years of interaction and sometimes it’s a royal pain, but at least he is not a full-fledged S/P. An N to be sure, and an ass at times..
Anyhow, just yeah don’t give in to him on that issue… and he will rage.. because that’s what they do when they can’t control the issue. It used to scare me very much until I realized it’s just another method of control. They are desperate for control at this point. If you quietly ignore him, he might get tired of it and leave.