By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
kat, that what I’m hoping for, but I cant underestimate him. He is a nasty piece of work when he isnt getting his own way.
He is becoming threatening and I dont think it will be long before he lashes out. In the uk if your working the law is not set up to help you at all. I cant even afford to get him out even though our daughter is traumatised, he doesnt care one bit. Any normal person would cut their losses and try and be amicable, he has today threatened to kill me, to take my care and to report me for harrassment, all in the days work of a psycho
Keep it calm Moraira even if the gales blow, because he really wants to get control of you and if you react to what he says he’ll have it. If you can do it, you oughta just walk to the phone calmly and report him if he threatens you. Also one time when my ex threatened to report me for a false charge I took initiative and visited the police. I told them what he was up to so when he called they didn’t even listen to him. You’re in for it now, honey, the poopoo has hit the fan.
I hope you can get him out, but if not take everything of value and move. You will have to go to court over the house but it’s better than losing your life or your sanity.
I hear what your saying, where I am its 1am, I am in my bedroom with the door locked, he is in his lair hiding the car keys, so I cant get in the car, he second guessed me again, when he was asleep I was gonna get the log book out of the car so that I can sell it (its in my name and I am still paying loan off) I thought if I sell it I will have a little lump sum to cushion me and get mortgage and utilities up to date. So devious these P’s, have been favourable calling him an S.
would the police get involved to get him to hand over the car?
I will contact them toimorrow to check,
Moraria,
Go outside and let the air out of two of the tires so he will not be able to drive it. While he is at work you can call the dealership and give them the VIN (vehicle indentification number)number (it is on the dashboard very close to the bottom and will be a long number, but yo can see it from the outside looking through the window, on hte left side (in US) call the agency and they will be able to cut you a key that will fit from that number.
He is making a power play by keeping the keys, but there are ways around it. with 2 tires flat, he will not be able to get it to run (only one spare) after he is gone, call a person to come put air in them, then drive the car somewhere (when you get the keys) and park it where he cannot find it. Or if you have to call a tow truck and have it moved.
Just BE CAREFUL. You might even “casually” mention to him that because he threatened you “will put you out of your misery” you have left a letter with someone he doesn’t know that in the event that anything happens to you will be taken to the police with the VOICE TAPE (even though you don’t have one, he doesn’t know that) of him saying that. It never hurts to pull a bluff if you can make them believe it.
Keep CALM and COOL. which should unnerve him somewhat since you never acted that way in the past.
Hang on to your sanity at least in front of him. No matter how stressed you are, ACT like you are Ms. Cool, calm and collected! (((hugs))))
Oxy thanks for that advice,
you are very smart, I laughed out loud when I read your reply.
I would have never thought of that, I need to start thinking out of the box.
cant do it tonight now will get vin number tomorrow when he is in shower, let him take car tomorrow and when he thinks I have forgotten about it I will do it then
I already told him I had a tape and daughter overheard
that is a classic I love it
Dear Moraira,
I raised 3 teenage sons, and one was a P, so I have had to be pretty savy, and I have had 11 foster kids at one time or another and all again, boys! I also worked in a psych facility with adolescents, so I have had a little bit of training in “street smarts” and the way the kids think. Ps sometimes think like a teenaged boy, and are just as petty and devious.
I am also a stubborn woman, and hard headed, and don’t like liars, and I have a particular dislike for Ps who think they are soooooo smart and their victims are sooooo “dumb”—and you know what, we aren’t dumb at all. We’re just caring nice people and they have taken advantage of that, but now the jig is up and we are taking back our POWER. He is likea10 yr old school yard bully. Hang in there and keep your faith in yourself up!
Living with and then after they move out (if they move out?) is just emotionally straining. Strange but my oldest son talk about NC even before I knew anything about the concept. I first learned about No Contact on a message board from some of the members. Anyway, my Oldest son told me we should just ignore her thinking she would just give up. But she didn’t give up and in fact this just made things worst for awhile. We would get calls from her all the time and if we didn’t answer she would let the phone ring off the hook or until I had to unplug it (landline) from the wall. The last straw (before we started total NC) was when she called my oldest son friend and then lied to him telling him (oldest son’s friend) that she was driving around town and wanted to know if my oldest son was with him because no one was answering the house phone. My son couldn’t believe she would get his friend involve! Of course his friend knew all about her leaving and moving to another state so he just told her no my oldest wasn’t with him and to keep trying to call.. After this stunt we all had enough so I call her to ask her why she would do that. Her reason? “Oh, because each time I call no one answers the phone”… WTF! They just don’t get it!! They will do whatever they want no matter who gets hurt.. Yes, Moraira. You will have a hard and long road ahead of you but that is what it is like for all of us. They just don’t give up and never never give us closure. Just try to take it minute by minute and day by day. Try to anticipate his next move. Sociopaths are very predictable once you learn how they think.
This mornng I asked p if he had reconsidered my offer to pay him a deposit on an apartment, he went straight into a rage, nearly burst my ear drums. He doesnt know why I am doing this to him and cant take any more. If I carry on I will pay the consequences. I asked him what that was and he said he wasnt going to tell me that was he.
I let it go and 5 mins later he brought me a cup of tea!
He is trying to play sane, saying I am going mad and he has said ‘sorry’ for what he has done. He hasnt but he wrote it in a text, probably evidence in his warped mind. I told him i wasnt changing my mind and he raged again, telling me to shut up he didnt want to hear my voice
I asked him for the mortgage co. number because he has all documentation hidden, he said he had ‘sorted’ it and I didnt need to contact them. told him I was going to. He said you can visit me in prison then. I am now dreading what I am going to find, I am scared what he means by ‘the consequences’
just got a text from P “told u I dont want to leave and dont have any money. Stop now for all our sanitys. I learnt my lesson, I’m begging u to stop. I will not respond.
txted back “its not all about what u want” he doesnt get the concept that you both need to want the relationship. I have offered him an easy route, now I have sought legal advice and I am playing hardball. I think I have shocked him because I have not rolled over and played dead to keep the peace. I’m sure if he had another woman to go to at the moment he wouldnt be sticking around, we dont have a relationship anyway, he just sponges off me and makes all our lifes a misery, thanks for everyones support, I would have probably crumbled by now if it wasnt for you all.
Moraira43.. I think you are doing great considering what a short time it’s been. But it reminds me a lot of trying to separate from my first husband.. I gotta admit I’m worried about your safety there.
Anyhow, I know you’ve been digesting a lot of advice, but I want to add a little bit more.. the account info and mortgage info he has.. this is really important. You shouldn’t worry so much about the car for now I think, and get that account CLOSED. If not he could make life really miserable for you. It’s really important to have all your financial stuff separate.
I hate to say it, but if I were you I would just not worry about getting him out of your life until you spy out EVERYTHING and remove his access to your money.
That house situation could be tough.. but if you really can’t afford it.. it’ll have to be sold or rented.. perhaps you could get a boarder? But it’s hard.. because even if you move out the mortgage co. can still come after you for money.
A property settlement is desperately needed.. but it ain’t gonna be easy.. be devious, be firm, be CAREFUL