By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Oh, Just wanted you to know that Oprah announced today that there were many of her viewers that wanted their opinions heard and debated with the author of the book “why men cheat on their wives”.
Toodles. No flies on that woman, she gets it. LOL.
almost_free
“They saw things in their father that I either didn’t see or chose to ignore.”
How true! How very true! My oldest saw so many things about her that I too chose to ignore. My oldest son told me after she left that he was planning to leave when he turned 18. I can’t tell you just how much this upset me that if I did stay (I too was planning on leaving but was waiting until both boys were older and could give them to options of leaving with me) or allow her to stay I would have ended up losing my oldest son.
“My son recently told me that “Dad always told you you looked good, even when he didn’t look at you”. He did?? Yes, he did. That’s because I never existed to him.”
Also J (son) told me things about his mother that I knew nothing about insomuch as to how she would bash me almost daily to him. I then asked him why he never told me this about her and how she told him negative things about me. J reply? “Dad, after awhile I just tuned her out!”…..
J also told me after she left that “Dad you know she never cared about us and never once did anything for us”.
Also both children told me she didn’t deserve the title “mom” and they stopped calling her that. Today she is only refer by Name.
“how could someone do this to another human being and just not care?”
This is what scares me the most! How they can be so cold and detached with those they should love the most? This was the hardest lesson to learn and many times still find myself trying to comprehend it.
“I know that our children are so much better off without these disordered parents in their lives. My kids are happier now than they ever have been. That is the resiliency of kids.”
So true in fact my children help me to heal not the other way around. They were able to heal quicker then myself. Many times my children told me that I had to stop thinking and talking about her. Sometimes I would ask them “do you ever think about your mother?”.. I always get the same answer time and time again… NO!
PS: also readers, J was the one who inspirited me to write “The biggest lie”. God how I wish you could have seen that smile on his face! When I showed it to him today,
How right you all are! Yes I too have seen that “look” on the old photo I took of us together. In fact I found something very interesting is that the only time she “looked” happy was when she was pregnant. Well in one picture anyway. But still why would that be? Does anyone know? In all the other pictures she always had that “forced” smile or fake smile. But it is the eyes that tell the tale. How shallow and empty they appear.
southernman429
“they look at you without blinking, almost with a puzzled look on their face.”
Yes, saw the “puzzled look” many times before. It is like they don’t understand how we are feeling and are confused. God how I hated that look too. But still it’s the detached empty stare “look” that scares me the most. How in God’s name do you reason with someone that doesn’t even share your feeling? How does one explain what a broken heart feels like? How does one show them how much what they are doing is killing us inside? How? how?
Dear James and southernman429: We believed them because we loved them. They lied to us because they can’t love us, or anyone else.
Stop beating yourselves up over “them”. They are the LIE and they know they are living the LIE. Sad, sad, sad, oh so sad when first “they” learned how to deceive. GREED,, the mother of all sins.
Did either of you look at that site I posted about Givers and Takers in the world.
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
Read what the church leaders know about what they call are the TROUBLE MAKERS in the world.
The truth of what they are all about will set you free and continue you on your healing to become stronger and better than you were before they ripped you to smitherines. Why do they do that to us? Jealousy, envy … GREED … they know we don’t have to do what they do to people. Stay on the righteous path in life. That’s how God wants us to live, not the man made illusions of what life is or should be.
Peace. Pray for your EXs. Pray that they get closer to God.
my ex told me yesterday that his life is ”great” now that he’s no longer with me. told me ”i NEVER thought of you as a lover!” funny, our relationship was very sexual (along with all his females on the side). it hurt bad. and this morning, i’m so depressed all over again.
i knew if i ever had to talk to him, he’d stab me in the heart again. what is it that makes them so good at it. he was so enraged toward me, even though i never did ONE thing to hurt him in all the years we were together. i just gave and gave and gave some more.
all over again…i don’t get it.
Dear lostingrief: He’s using child psychology 101 on you. The more he puts you down and tears you apart means the more he knows he blew it when he left you. He knows he can’t come back into your life … that’s why he makes sure you hurt for not making him come back. He’s not man enough to admit he blew it with you.
Peace to your sweet sweet soul. Stop listening to the idiot. He’s angry and wants you to hurt because of his own anger. He owns the way he thinks, not you.
Don’t do it. NO CONTACT remember? That’s why we all tell you no contact. What do you really expect him to grow up and tell the truth to you. Ahhhh, isn’t that the reason they are the way they are? Living a lie instead of living truth.
Keep focusing on the positives in life to build you up … not the negativity of the likes of him to tear you down.
Did you ever hear the saying “misery loves company”? They (our EXs) want everyone to be as miserable as them. They can change, they just have to admit that they need to change … and then just do it. They want miracles and of course are lazy … they wanted us to change them – presto – you are changed for the better. Doesn’t happen. There’s no short cuts in life, not even for them … they have to do the work to change.
Peace.
I have realized that my ex S uses guilt to get what he wants, particularly regarding our children. As hard as it is, I try not to bite. He knows that they are my soft spot…
Why? Why? Why? Why did I pick up the phone when I knew it was him? He called me about our son who felt sick at school and asked me why did you tell the school to call me? I said that he was the father of this child. He said, Do you know what I am doing right now? I was thinking I really don’t care, Ass! Instead I said that I was working. He said one more thing to me and I just cut him off and hung up the phone. Really, NC is the best. I have been realing from this all day and feel physically and emotionally tired.
Why did he have to call me anyway?
Wini, I am not sure if I agree with your opinion that they can change. I read an analogy once that equated sociopathy to color blindness. It is something that you are born without and there is not cure or surgery or therapy that can get you to see colors; just like there is nothing you can do to develop a conscience.
-Ginger
Sotherman429
Great post ….I’m feeling low to day and reading your post has made me feel not so alone today…I too have escaped a lot more pain then I could have had with him…my friends the ones I have left…LOL…told me that he did me a favour, when I was didcarded for the OW….I felt like I was the loser even though he is the loser…..and the basis of our pain …”He was’nt what he appeared to be” so true again thanks for the great post …you made my day….
Taken….
I’m glad my words made you feel not so alone today….the sad part is that what I feel I lost and what was so dear to me, was never real…. it’s still a hard concept to wrap my mind around considering all my interaction with her and the memories, especially the pleasant memories……….and then all the knowledge I have aquired since about sociopaths… it’s still hard….Consequently, the whole experience made me to doubt my own perceptions of the people I was with after that, wondering which part of them is real and which is going to screw with your head and heart. It has truly been a long road to healing, and I’m afraid it still isn’t complete. My self-esteem and self -worth were damaged quite extensively because of her, coupled with my lack of ability to provide a stable income when the economy started to drop a few years ago, then my conversion to Christ, which if you are to do it in the right manner is a extensive undertaking and life change…whew….no wonder I feel so tired.