By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
thanks for that Kat i will play my cards close to my chest, do you think I should act like things are just normal and stop acting him to leave? I’m just scared if I do that I might lose the motivation that I have now and be just putting it off again
what do you think? He is scaring me and I just want it to stop
Moraira43
Strange but my oldest son saw my ex for what she really was. I was still lost in “fantasy land” even after she left. Guess my point is how someone else can help us open our eyes to what is really there. I wish I could tell you just how much my oldest son has help me. I own him more then I can ever pay back.
What is even worst is that after my ex left us. My oldest was planning his own “exit” plan. One day J told me (after she was gone) that he was planning on leaving as soon as he turned 18. OMG! I was losing my oldest son because I kept supporting and loving her??? I wish I could tell you how much this scare me! Talk about a wake up call!! Moraira sometimes we need to listen to our family members friends pastors and children and I mean really listen because if we don’t we may lose those who really care and love us…
In the end it is all about survivor and each of us (family members our children and friends) will do whatever it is to survivor on their own. And if we don’t listen to them they have no other choice but to leave us behind…
What more can I say but that I thank God that she (ex) did in fact leave us and I do thank God each and everyday and twice on Sunday!!!
James I understand that completely my daughter told me the same thing, she said she was going to leave age 16. She had been planning it. Has a boyfriend and is too close for their age, she is at his house all the time because she is too anxious when she is here, sasy it is not home and there is a bad feeling about it. She does no want him here and will not even go in the car with him, she prefers to have a 30min walk to the bustop and get bus to school rather than him dropping her off.
She says he has brainwashed me, she remembers not long ago he was raging at her about some imaginery thing she was supposed to have done, think it was that she had left an empty crisp packet. she said she looked at me for support and i was just staring into space. I think I remember the incident and I was in a sort of trance hoping it would just stop, I thought if I got involved I would have a stroke, thats how I’m feeling now, so on edge that I am not eating or sleeping and getting very ill.
I now know what the monster within is I saw it yesterday.
It reminds me of the sci fi film whe bodysnatchers where the aliens take over the bodies. not human
moraira43
bodysnatchers.
I loved that movie in fact both my children and I are big horror movie fans. Strange about the lack of emotions in these aliens and guess that’s why sometimes we see that in them. One thing about these “aliens” is that they never got upset or mad at the humans. Wish I could say that about my ex. God, her rage was unpredictable and very very bitter. I remember once her pulling off her rear view car mirror because of something I said and then her telling me that she doesn’t (another lie) get mad offend but watch out when she does!! Sounded more like a warning to me!!
road rage is aproblem for P. I have lost count of the times he has run a red light and swore blind it wasnt. He has had so many crashes because of this. I dont like been in a car with him because if he decides hes mad at you he revs the engine and drives dangerously, whenever he has had to take our daughter anywhere I am on eggshells and checking up on her. She wont be getting in a car with him again.
We have had so many things damaged in the house because he has lost his patience and broken it. Has managed to ‘accidently’ break all our wedding presents over the years, I just thought he was exceptionally clumsy, now I think it was probably a punishment for some imagined crime.
moraira:
oh, i can’t count the times my ex ran a red light. here in nyc they even have cameras and i get a notice in my mailbox with MY car going through a red light at a time when i’m at work. even with pictures he denied it! he’s never been in an accident though, but he is a very aggressive driver. he doesn’t like any one getting in his way … ever … for any reason.
he would often break things at his mother’s home, too. if anyone did anything to ‘out’ any of his devious crap, he’d throw a tantrum and break things he knew were of great sentimental value to them.
thing is, he never did these things to me. until the last year, he was ONLY verbally abusive (and spit in my face once). but he used to threaten to break my computer because i kept love letters to him and pictures of him in it. EVIDENCE!
i’m glad he moved on. since his mom died, he’s been a nightmare and i feel that he’ll only get worse and worse.
but i do feel sorry for him.
Dear Moraira,
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GET INTO A CAR WITH HIM DRIVING. In that case, he has you under absolute control.
Also, ditto for your daughter.
DR. Amy Castillo here in the US her x husband killed all three of their children to get back at her for leaving him.
Ii am not trying to make you paranoid, but to make you SAFETY CONSCIOUS. I think your P is probably not BRAVE, not with anyone else around but you must NOT LET HIM GET YOU in a position of HIS ADVANTAGE.
You are his “meal ticket” and he sees it slipping away and he will try to hang on to it any way he can.
Keep your courage but contact the mortgage company secretly. If he has the papers hidden, there is still a record of the mortgage at whatever agency in your county city or state that keeps the deed records. You can contact the correct public agency that records deeds and they will be able to give you the name of the company, then call the company yourself.
He may indeed have been doing something very ver illegal and you may not even know it. You may also be able to get information from an officer in your bank.
Just tell the officer that you are going through a nasty divorce and that your husband has hidden certain papers, mortgage, etc. and ask the officer where to find these public records, they will be able to tell you, or call ANY mortgage company and ask them where these are recorded with the deeds.
I think you already said that you opened a separate bank account. YOu might also get together all of your other important papers, passport, birth certiicates, for you and your daughter and put them into a bank security box for safety so he cannot destroy them.
Keep some cash on you, well hidden, so tht in the event of an emergency escape in the middle of the night you will not be dead broke. Also pack a small suitcase with toothbrush and toilet articles that you can grab and go. Keep your door locked even when you are not in your room. When you are in the room keep a chair under the knob even if locked so he cannot break through. Keep a cell phone with you at all times as well so you have access to emergency police numbers.
Keep a can of oven cleaner spray with you. If you spray someone in the face with this it is very very painful. It is actually a great self defense weapon and will give you time to run. Keep one or two handy or with you in your hand, just “casually” I doubt that he would suspect it was a self defense weapon.
Hi Moraira: I think i mentioned this before but since the market is dead and he won’t pay the mortgage, can you afford the mortgage by yourself? If not, perhaps part of a deal you can cut with him is that you will sign the house over to him. Eventually, the bank is going to own it and your credit won’t be ruined..his will. Otherwise, the divorce settlement may be you each get 50% of the profit of the sale…but if you can’t sell it for what the mortgage is, you both lose.
How much loan is left on the house? How much is the house worth? I think you need to start getting answers to those questions before you decide what is in YOUR best interest regarding the house.
Absolutely 100 % agree with Iwonder on that issue Mor.. I know it’s awfully soon to think about it, but once he runs off and hides his whereabouts this legal crap is going to be next to impossible to figure out. It’s actually a weird kind of blessing that he hasn’t left yet in some ways.
I agree with Wonderwoman and Kat, you need to get as much information as you can on your and HIS financial affairs. His threats that if you turn him in you won’t get any money from him if he is in prison may mean he has done more things illegal than you even know.
Sometimes they actually speak the truth, sort of off handed like that threat, but WE ALREADY KNOW YOU WILL NOT GET A DIME FROM HIM ONCE HE IS OUT OF THE HOUSE. So his “threat” not to pay you if you turn him in is one of those things that is ture in a back handed sort of way, but him holding out the “carrot” of paying you if you DON’T tell on him, we know that’s A JOKE—it is ust another one of his empty promises.
Personally, if you went to the police, they would do the searching for you, and if he went to jail he WOULD BE OUT OF THE HOUSE—the “embarassment” would be to HIM NOT YOU, and you would be rid of him. The fraud he has done with forging your name might still be your ace in the hole to get rid of him, then you could at least have peace while you sorted out your financal situation.
I’m really proud of how strong you are being and just wanted to give you a big pat on the back! Hang in there!