By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Moraira said: “If I carry on I will pay the consequences. I asked him what that was and he said he wasnt going to tell me that was he.
I let it go and 5 mins later he brought me a cup of tea!”
I’ve hesitated for two days now on posting this because I don’t want to add to your anxiety. But you have mentioned you are ill (with bone marrow disease). And you have mentioned in several posts now that on several different occasions he suddenly turns nice (after disagreement) and brings you a cup of tea. This is probably just me being paranoid due to my own experiences with my P, but if I were you I would avoid drinking that tea.
Dear Moraira,
I totally agree that Jen’s advice… is VERY GOOD…. Being CAUTIOUS, even OVERLY cautious, in this situation is RATIONAL and REASONABLE.
Have to agree with road rage and how these people drive. How many times I would ask her to slow down and stop using the car horn so many times. She would only criticize how people drove and how they were in the right lane and she couldn’t make her “right” turn… How I hated driving in the car with her. Just one of her many “projections” was how I didn’t have any patience. Watch her drive and see a person with zero patience.
Also Moraira I have to agree with the other posters on “drinking the tea”. I know it sounds paranoid but these people make us paranoid. I wouldn’t allow my ex (like that is ever going to happen! LOL) alone in a room without someone watching her. These people don’t respect boundaries and would steal the filling from your teeth if given the chance. God she even stolen from her own sons..
Moraira
I found this today and thought you might want to read it..
Peacekeepers & Blamers…
http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/
Moraira,
Sounds like you are holding up well. Look for the blog on here under “leaving a sociopath” if you have time. There was a great article on the way to separate from one when you are living with him. The important thing is to emotionally detach from him and do not engage with him emotionally. If you do not engage with him, eventually he might lose interest and move on to someone he can manipulate. Though sounds like yours is pulling every trick in the book to manipulate you and try to make you feel guilty or scared. What a sick game! Don’t fall for it. My stepfather was like this, too. When he realized he could no longer control me through fear, he tried to make me think I was crazy. I think all the advice thus far sound exactly right. Lay low and gather financial information. Find out about places you and your daughter could live. Hang in there.
Hey Moraira,
Why don’t you try what I did?? I called the cable company & cancelled the cable and said, “can’t afford it.” I kept turning out all the lights everywhere saying “can’t afford the electric,” instead of filling up the grocery cart with all kinds of crap my ex and his son liked, I bought hotdogs and real cheap stuff like that to eat (LOL!!) No more gas $$ either was given to the S. I cancelled the landline telephone service. He started going more often to the OW’s house for meals, gas $, etc. Trust me, where there is a will there is a way for these S’s.
Iwonder, this sounds perfect. That statement “I can’t afford it” is non-blaming and just a statement of fact that he cannot argue with. This is exactly the type of thing that’s supposed to drive a P away. If you stop being his mealticket, he will need to find another one.
Couldn’t agree more with the statement about “can’t afford it”. Which I too did insomuch that I refused to kept giving and giving to her. After telling my then soon to be ex that I would no longer fix her problems for her. Bail her out when she needed money. I told her if she needed or wanted something to buy to go get a job and buy it herself. I was in fact driving her away from me. I am glad I was arrogant about what I was doing because fear of losing her might have not allow me these actions. I really didn’t know I was pushing her away from me simple because I wanted her to be more accountable and responsible as a partner and mother. Does this “can’t afford it” work. Yes, it does. Whenever we start to run dry on them is exactly when they start shopping around for someone new. Moraira, I really don’t know this to be true but I often wonder if one of the reasons your husband was in fact on “dating” sites is because he knew more about your financial situation and wanted a “safety” net incase his life style became at risk. What I mean is maybe just maybe he knew his time with you was getting short? Or maybe you as a supply was running low and needed more then you were giving him and/or willing to give him?
thanks all for your comments, I definitely think he is planning his next move. He has started to behave ‘normally’ says he is so sorry and i need to shut up about it now!
I shopped online and had it delivered, when he came home he said, had i got him some porridge, I said no and he said what is he going to have for breakfast then. I told him toast, says he doesnt like toast. Says he likes porridge and bananas and I havent bought enough bananas because he takes them for his lunch as well so he doesnt have to buy anything from the canteen! realised I wasnt giving in to get him the porridge and says “suppose i will have to try and scrape some money together for it then, will have to see if I have anything left in my account, you forgot the butter and my semi-skimmed milk as well” Unbelievable
I have set up online account to view mortgage details, shows he has taken £5,000 on 3 occasions and changed mortgage to interest free on 2 occasions, this means amount he pays monthly will be cheaper but mortgage balance that i have to pay back eventually will be increased. I havent let him know that I know.
Car log book still missing, garage door locked and spare key missing.
Hi Moraira: My ex did the same thing with the spare key to the car. Car loan was in my name and it was registered to me. He didn’t make any payments. I asked him where the spare key was. He said “at my boys house.” Which was the OW’s. He did not want me to get into the car or have the right to drive it. He was planning the move to the OW’s so that’s why the key was there. I kicked him out before he made the move on “his time.” It rocked him off balance and during the 2 weeks of his stress of tap-dancing lies to the OW and me, I was able to get the car back.
I say, no porridge…toast every day! He’ll get so sick of toast and no bananas, he’ll find someone on line who can buy him toast and bananas.
What about the mortgage? You must know what is owed and you should look into what the home is worth. This will give you an idea if you divorce if there will be any money left over to split up after the sale. If there won’t be any money left, then I would sign the home to him…he’ll think he’s getting something big…but he wont be able to pay the mortgage and will lose the house. .. and his credit destroyed. Your credit will remain in tact. This gives you the ability to start fresh.
Just a thought.