By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
there is some equity in it, I will make sure he doesnt get anything!!!! He should be careful he has committed a fraud. I would report him but worried he might become even more of a monster, you see he would lose everything, he works for mortgage company, he would be struck off from a profession he has been in for 20 years. I would pay the price for that.
I am hiding the bananas!!!
Moraira,
Another tactic when he asks you for something or to do something is to make statements like “I’m tired. I just feel out of it. I don’t have the energy to do (whatever it is). I am not myself, etc., etc.” You begin to withdraw from him, but don’t blame him for it. This goes along with “I can’t afford it”. He cannot argue with you being tired, or depressed, or out of it. These things will make him realize you can no longer be a source of supply to him–money, sex, whatever, without putting him on the defensive. You have to be careful not to get into arguments with him or blame him or tell him your real feelings (anger, fear of him, and so on). He is not rational and will not care about your real feelings. He will use them against you.
Moraira,
I still think if you let the air out of two tires during the night, he would get up and not be prepared for that, and have to take public transport, then you call a tow truck company and have the truck towed. They can air up the tires, then you can get a key made, just tell the tow truck guys you have “lost your keys” and then YOU HAVE POSSESSION OF THE CAR.
Continue to keep the food in your room, and make life as miserable for him as you can. I like the suggestions of “too tired” too “depressed” “don’t feel good” and just stay in your room as much as possible. I also agree that NO blame placing on to him, he won’t listen and it will only enrage him.
Your strength is amazing! You are doing great!!! (((hugs))) and prayers for your continued strength.
Hi everyone,
I made a mistake tonight, I need advice on what he may do next. He came in from work and started telling me straight away that we needed to do more shopping tomorrow, and giving a list of what we were short of.
Sat down on sofa next to me and seemed to not have a care in the world, stuffing his face with my food.
I was really mad and couldnt stop the tears. (he didnt see)
I asked him if he realised how much damage he had caused to everyone. he said he knew and we were going over old ground. I said are you sure you have admitted everything he said yes, I took £10,000 out of house equity and I looked on casual sex sites. I said what about the other £5000 and applying for interest only term. argument ensued, how did I know etc, said I had seen letter from building society. He denied anything to do with it and said someone had committed a fraud against him.
Him demanding to see letter, told me he was going to call police because I had interfered with queens mail. I said go on then (of course he didnt) asked him where all the letters from the mortgage co. addressed to me were. told him it was with my solicitor, demanded to know name of solicitor, said I was bluffing and I was mad but started to pull things out of drawers. when he said I was mad just agreed with him. He then left it an skulked away to spare room.
I know I have been stupid, and I have shown him my cards duh! made a mess of it now, he is going to be a nightmare.
petty argument caused because i got mad
By the way, managed to get the spare garage key, he was carrying both keys around. Got a file out full of paperwork going back a few years, never seen any of it and some addressed to me. Havent found anything incriminating yet but will be having another look when he is out, suddenly remembers where log book is !
Moraira,
First of all, you are NOT stupid, just frustrated, and tomorrow is another day. You really cannot vent your feelings to this guy because he does not care and will use them against you. Why give him the satisfaction? Instead, channel your rage into a plan. I’m not good with plans. OxD will help you when she sees this.
Others may disagree with me, but I personally don’t think any amount of money, equity, or credit is worth living with an abusive person. Did you ever see the Tina Turner story? “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” When she finally walked away from her P, the only thing she wanted was her name.
I really think you need to have a support system in town somewhere. Is there a battered women’s shelter or other local support group? Church group? You need to get out of the house and away from him.
In the meantime, when he comes home and starts demanding things, you could just say, “I have a headache and need to lie down” in a very impersonal tone. Or “I need to take a walk. I’m just not feeling well” and leave. Get away from him so you don’t have to engage with him. He is toxic to you.
I have some support now from a team that help victims of domestic abuse to stay in their own homes, they are sending me some paperwork through, they are psoting it tomorrow so it arrives when he will be working. They say they are there if I need to talk.
I know I shouldnt have got mad but it is anightmare, I have been diagnosed with depression now.
just to add I am scared of moving on to the next level of putting plans in place, its as if having made this decision that I cant go on anymore in this relationship it is comfort enough that I am making plans, am I going to feel strong enough to go through with it?
Stay strong, Moraira. When OxD and others check in, they can help you with a plan. The plan is very important because you can channel all of your anger into it quietly, without him knowing. It is normal to be depressed in your situation. You are not stupid, and you are stronger than you think you are. Sometimes there is no choice but to vent your anger. After putting up with abuse for 9 years of my life from my stepfather, one day I went into a rage. I picked up a frying pan and almost killed him. He knew then that I wasn’t afraid of him any more, so he stopped using fear to manipulate me. I don’t think you are stupid for getting angry.
Moraira,
Of course it is going to be scary to stand up to a P. This is because he’s had power over you for so long. You are taking your power back. Stay strong. You can do this.
Dear dear moraira,
OF COURSE IT IS ANXIETY PRODUCING@.......! You wouldn’t be normal if it wasn’t making you anxious and scared, but you have TWO choices:’
1) you can continue to live like you have for the last X# of years and he will continue to abuse you
2) you can get away from him.
Those are the ONLY TWO choices you have. Stay with him or leave (or kick him out) but those are the only things you can do.
If you decide to stay with him, then you know what to expect and you wouldn’t be “anxious” cause you know he is going to cheat on you (I will bet he already has) and financially and emotionally abuse you and your daughter will leave as soon as she can.
If you decide to leave him, you don’t know what will happen, things will be different, you will have new challenges and new decisions to make every day BUT—YOU WILL BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. Being in control of your life is a scary thing, because you don’t have anyone to “blame” if things go wrong except yourself. But at least you dont have someone who is TRYING TO MAKE YOU AS MISERABLE AS YOU CAN BE.
Moraira, I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life and I am 61 years old. Today I worked out in the barn and yard, just as free as a bird and almost dancing and enjoying the birds and watching two little kittens I rescued when their mother disappeared frolic and chase grass hoppers. I watched my little dog chasing the squirrels and being so proud of himself for running these horrible monster squirrels up the trees. I AM HAPPY. There is NO ONE in my life to tell me what an ass I am, or to tell me how miserable I am. The only people in my life are my friends and those that love me. I wanted to sing and kick up my heels today it was so wonderful. Just PEACE AND CONTENTMENT. Something I have never had in my life. If I had a “magic wand” there is nothing on this earth that I would want to wish for, I have it all. NO Ps IN MY LIFE—WHAT BETTER WISH COULD ANYONE HAVE? My prayers are with you Moraria and with your daughter. I know this is scary for you, but YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW! ((((HUGS))))