By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Henry: My ex left the dog. But that’s ok. i bought the dog for him but he said he just couldn’t bond with it. The dog didn’t turn out to be what he thought. The dog has no aggression. He wanted a mean dog. He used to get mad when i talked to him like a baby and petted him. He wanted me not to show the dog affection so it would become mean. Didn’t happen. I love MY dog. I’m keeping him.
Did you see the movie Legally Blonde? I love the scene where the lady goes to her ex’s trailer and takes back the dog. She said, “I’m taking the dog dumb ass.” Love that scene!
Iwonder,
The thing about revenge schemes is that they only work when the ex has no idea what is going on. If he figures out what you are doing, then it perpetuates the drama. If he doesn’t, then his life is just a little more miserable, and he doesn’t know why. I am all in favor for the latter (evil laugh. I know I’m terrible. It’s all the Scorpio in me!) I consider it one of those gray areas that falls on the side of taking back your power symbolically. I honestly wish I’d had that opportunity with one of my exes. I think it would have helped me move on faster.
Star: Even if he found the shrimps down the road, he wouldn’t do anything to retaliate. I know him that well. He’s not a harmful spiteful sociopath, just a user/loser. You want me to do it, don’t you (lol!!) so do I!
iwonder wait a few years before u do the shrimp thing ok? if he grabbed u by the throat one time. and now that he doesnt have those papers to control u with he just might do something mean and spitefull to get even – dont forget he is a loser/user dont want him trashing your vehicle etc. i dont want to antagonze my x in anyway i think of him as demented and so should u
remember that bobbit women that cut her husbands pecker off? now that is revenge!!!!!!
DEar I wonder (Wonderwoman!)
Glad you finally got the papers. TOWANDA!
Moraira,
You are between a rock and a hard place as far as your husband is concerned. Quite frankly I think he may physically harm you.
I strongly suggest that you and your daughter go to a shelter or away from there. GET HELP. I think the man is frightened that he is losinghis “meal ticket” and has “lost control” over you and that may very well make him dangerous and unpredictable.
SLEEP BEHIND LOCKED DOORS, and do get a can of oven cleaner spray to keep handy. If there is physical fighting and chaos and knives involved, you MUST BE CAUTIOUS for your own sake and your daughter’s sake. This concerns me very much for you Moraira and for your safety. It sounds as if he is getting frantic. I will keep you in my prayers.
“why are you doing this to me”
moraira
Strange how they always see it this way…
Why are you doing this to me? Question. How strange this questions seems to be and that it is kind of backwards in a way….
I never understood how they always saw it as hurting them when in fact all we are trying to do is help and protect ourselves which is something they have done along…
Not until I read this book written by Patricia Evans called CONTROLLING PEOPLE “How to recognize, Understand, and Deal with People who try to Control you”..
Did I really really understand why?
Moraira, I highly recommend this book. It will help answers so many questions. In fact I am looking for her first book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”….
Good Luck Moraria and we all know how hard things will get for you and we all wish we could do more!!
Cheryl–no, not everyone who cheats on his/her spouse or leads a double life is a sociopath. I think that word has a tendency to be tossed around way too often.
A sociopath has a special diseased brain that is bereft of a conscience. Not everyone who cheats or lies is a sociopath. Some are just creeps or make bad decisions or are selfish. But that doesn’t mean they are without a conscience or an empty shell–which is what a sociopath is.
I would venture to guess that the sociopath label is misapplied quite often.
hannah1922
People who suffer from a personality disorder have a “history” of failed relationships bad business ventures and sometimes illegal activities. In short a pattern of behavior that is long standing and inflexible. Sociopaths as well as people who suffer from personality disorders aren’t just “creeps”. They are people who sincerely hurt those that are closest and dearest to them.
“A sociopath has a special diseased brain that is bereft of a conscience”
After John Wayne Casey was executed Doctors did a autopsy and looked at his brain. The brain of John Wayne Casey appear normal and no disease or turmoil’s were present. In short there is no “disease” that causes sociopathic behavior in people known to date…
“I would venture to guess that the sociopath label is misapplied quite often.”
And on this issue you would be right. Many times people who are diagnose with being bi-polar are sometimes misdiagnose and may be instead an Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s very hard to diagnose someone who does suffer from a personality disorder and many tests must be done by trained professionals who know how to conduct these test and then score them appropriately. But also to note that many people who do suffer from these personality disorders refuse to be tested or even go for counseling believing that “there is nothing wrong with them” and instead will blame others for their problems in their personal and business life.
“Experts describe personality disorders as being ’fuzzy at the edges’.
One person may qualify for several different disorders, while a
wide range of people may fit different criteria for the same
disorder, despite having very different personalities. Avoidant
and dependent personality disorder are very similar, and so are
histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders.”
But those of us that lived with a person who suffer from a personality disorder do see many personality traits that many doctors don’t see or witness daily as we did. Also many researchers and Doctors don’t go thru the dramatic emotional turmoil experiences that we had. Most psychotherapies would agree that living with someone that has a personality disorder is dysfunctional and can cause many problems (i.e.interpersonal) over long term exposure.
Moraira,
You’re dealing with a complex situation of health, finances, trying to change your life, and a “resident” in your life who is abusive and has used your income and your compliance to compensate for his own incompetence in life.
Something that may help you here is getting very, very clear about what you want. It may appear that getting him out of your house is what you want most. But I’m going to suggest that what you really want is disassociating yourself from him in every way possible.
You don’t want him in your house.
You don’t want him in your financial life.
You don’t want him in your family.
And most important, you don’t want him in your emotional system. You want to be free of him, invulnerable to him, and never have to deal again the painful (and normal) reactions to his behavior.
You want him gone.
Finding some little phrase like “I want him gone” that you can use like a mantra for yourself can help you maintain your non-reactive demeanor, help you stay focused on the progressive tasks of untangling your life from him, and help you stay rational about what’s possible this minute and what you have to accomplish with plans.
You’re doing really well. I’m sure you know that your depression is the natural result of two things. One is being trapped in a bad situation over an extended period of time. The other is frustration with yourself for not “seeing through” everything immediately and just pulling out your magic wand and making this whole mess go away.
Normal stuff, and you’ll feel better with every forward step you take. The little ones that just set up a future one are as good as the big dramatic ones. What’s really happening here is that you’re taking back your life.
What is important here and what can help you do the right things is knowing that taking back your life is a project, not an event. When it’s done you’ll be free to make choices about how you want to live without this useless, unpleasant thing in your way. Your life may be different in a lot of ways, but your resources will be your own. And you won’t have to be continually fighting for control, fairness or compassion with someone who’s only objective is to use you.
I notice in your writing that you have not yet decided to use the two instances of fraud — your bank account and the mortgage — against him. Regarding the mortgage, you don’t want to cause trouble for him and cause him to lose his job.
Consider what you’re thinking about here. What happens to him is not your concern. He lives with the repercussions of his own behavior, and you protecting him from that is just you continuing to bail him out, which is what you’ve been doing a long time.
I’m not suggesting that you blow the whistle on him. But I am suggesting that you get all your documentation in order to be ready to do that. And you recognize it for the hammer it is, and be prepared to use it whenever you need to.
In my relationship with a sociopath, he was very clever about getting me to “volunteer” for everything. But he slipped up in a major way when he transferred $20K from my corporate bank account into his personal account without my authorization. I have all those records, and they are with my attorney as well. They have been a useful hammer in keeping him out of my life and professional sphere. Your proof of his fraud is a similar kind of hammer.
A lot of people here have expressed concern about your safety. I’d like to make a suggestion about that, also based on my own experience. I spoke to my local law enforcement agencies about my concerns and to alert them that I might be calling for help. Then I provided my attorney with some materials to provide the police if anything at all suspicious happened to me, including going missing, being injured or killed. It included a history of his behavior in the relationship, things he said or did that made me feel threatened, and the factual material about fraud I’d put together. If you have audio tapes, add them to the package.
If you can’t find an attorney who is willing to store these materials for you, then find one who is willing to hold a key to a lockbox where you store them. And who will be your attorney of record for when you need one. That should cost you no more than an hour’s fee to explain the story. Your contacts at the domestic abuse group should be able to recommend one for you.
Because our situations are “domestic” and because the police naturally assume there are two sides to the story, they are not going to protect us until there is proof of physical abuse. (Though you should photograph your bruise with a daily paper in the picture to date the photo, and if you haven’t spoken to the police yet, bring the photo as evidence.)
When you feel the time is right, you can let your husband know that you have your protective ducks in a row. And that if anything at all happens to you, your daughter or any of your possessions, he will be the first in line for suspicion. And that you have so far not reported him for financial fraud, but that information will be delivered to the police by your attorney if you have any difficulty with him.
Being calm and clear with him, showing no emotion including any sort of pity for him, is going to make go more easily. Sociopaths deal in power. All relationships are totem poles to them, up or down. He is used to you being down the totem pole, and he has used you basically for money and creature comforts. It’s not that he’s resisting the knowledge that you’ve changed, it’s that he’s not finished with using every tactic he can think of to put you back down where you were before.
Socipaths are impulsive and they take their own emotions very seriously. So you do face some risk that his anger will get out of control, or that his tactics may become physical. But if you understand that he’s basically calculating (and it doesn’t sound like he wants to destroy his own life by getting deeper into legal trouble or losing his job), it may help you respond to threats in ways that make sense to him. Such as noting that that any threatening or damaging behavior toward you probably isn’t going to work out very well for him. Not preaching or teaching. Just a calm observation.
You can be sure that what’s really going on in side of him is a lot of figuring out what to do next. Alongside his efforts to get you back “where you belong,” he is probably scouring the landscape for his next place to land. His personality is centered on finding sources to compensate for the fact that he can’t run his life by himself. If you’re not going to be that source, he’s got to find another one.
Your best tactic is to stay out of this, and not get involved what he does next, beyond taking the initiative to separate out the financial matters. (Don’t bother to try to negotiate this with him, until you get to the end of the story. He’ll just try to confuse every issue to gain more for himself.)
Minimizing your interest in his future is also the right thing to do for your own mental health and future plans. Your objective is to get him out of your life in every way. Once he gets a grip on the fact that you’re not going to be a source of anything, including making him feel good about messing with your head, he has no reason to be there and every reason to find another source.
Your planning should include creating every kind of back-up you can think of. That means arranging a place for you to stay anytime you don’t feel safe. (A shelter? A friend? An inexpensive motel.) An arrangement with a taxi company to set up a charge account (with your card number) in case you don’t have cash when you need transportation. Copies of documentation stored with friends or in the safe deposit box. Reestablishing contact with mortgage company when he’s not there (or any other relevant financial provider) to make your that you know everything and they are aware that you have not been receiving information. Hiring a private mailbox. Chatting with your minister and other people who are regular parts of your life, about what you’re dealing with and that you are planning some changes. All of it done calmly, as part of the plan to get you free.
You’re not looking for support or involvement here, though you might secure some helpful information. What you’re doing is getting the information of your head and out of that toxic environment, and making sure that the larger world understands has some idea of what is happening. One of the things that work against us is the people discover our situation when we’re emotionally upset and it appears that our “emotional problems” are the cause of our situation. This kind of calm openness about the changes you’re planning in your life can pay off for you in the long run.
In all of this, you’re practicing how you will live when you are free of this albatross, and can care for yourself and your daughter with anticipating another disaster around every corner.
I hope this makes sense, and that there’s something helpful here. You are making tremendous progress and you already deserve a prize for mental clarity, resistance to pressure, and planning. In a way, your new life has already started. You’re just doing clean-up now.
Kathy