By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Hello Southernman (R). I completely understand what you are saying. Even though they were so phony and we know and understand the concept, they somehow have a grip on us, which I just cannot fathom. If I knew the formula, I would share it and I have done a great deal of thinking about this. Please watch the video I quoted on the other thread Fred Durst’s Behind Blue Eyes – it shows so vivdly how they cloned us.
Beverly and all… I saw this and wanted to share with everyone….. It isn’t exactly about sociopaths.. but.. I think it rings true every bit as much as it did in 1968 when the speech was spoken. I know that it will speak to everyone’s heart…..
RFK Speaks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_Vll-t0H6A
We should post a board just to compare sociopath photographs.
speaking for myself, the truth of the discovery { shall we call it THE GIFT, That this board has given}
has made me extremely aware of the pattern.
I’ve now since discovered, when you address a sociopath, and doubt EVERYTHING they say, right to their face.
They become utterly defenseless, also when you disprove a story or two, they quickly do leave you alone.
So if one NEEDS to deal with the sociopath, on a daily/weekly basis, Simply call them a liar and give them the same emptiness, they offer us, See if it works.
But the best technique is COMPLETE avoidance, and distant pity
Wini
“Did either of you look at that site I posted about Givers and Takers in the world.”
“http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php”
In fact I did and what a great site she be!!!
Being a single working parent my time is limited at best but I can assure you I will be there many times.
Also I found this “bible online” site which is great as well. It faster then finding passages from my personal bible and can get biblical information quicker! Hey, what can I say. Always managing time and effort due to current situation.
“http://www.carm.org/bibleonline.htm”
schmooly: the last month of our relationship, before he told me he was cheating and had gotten his young hot gf prego, all i did was call him a liar to his face. he could have cared less as he just looked me right in the eyes and denied everything over and over again, telling me i was ‘stupid’ and ‘crazy.’
my being ‘on to him’ was his reason for finally walking away.
It is about putting love and respect and all the virtues back in place in your life. Not only to focus on these virtues in your minds, but to allow these virtues to be incorporated into your very soul. If a person focuses on the virtues in life, how our creator wants us to live, then life will/can be beautiful and we all will be able to experience life as God wants us to experience it. God made life simple, people make it difficult. Meaning, people who believe the voices in their heads (their own ego) and view life from their egos perspective, not staying focused on being humble, the way God wanted us to live.
Robert Kennedy knew the concept of how our creator wanted us to live, that’s why he was explaining it in human terms in his speech.
I know in todays day and age it has made it virtually impossible to stay humble. Today, being humble is such a dirty concept … oh, you believe in God, what a joke you are … your easy, next. You become an easy target for those who shoot from their hips, use and abuse you all because their egos are leading the way what they do and how they do injury to others to get over on us. For what? Where do they think they are going? And when they get to where ever they get to … are they satisfied? Did this full fill them? Make them whole? I think not … then their crazy way of viewing the world continues over and over again … to ad nauseum.
They won’t be happy, satisfied, full filled until they become humble and live life the way God intended us to live. Period. They just won’t relinquish the noise in their heads (their own egos) … always this battle going on with themselves that they should believe in their own mini god (their ego) and not the creator.
It’s a never ending cycle … over and over again, playing itself on the game board of life … throughout the centuries … the names of the players are different, the age of it happening is different … but it’s all the same. Believe in the creator and put your faith in him and be happy and content and enjoy your life (love and harmony) or believe in your self and stay miserable and bring misery into everyone else’s life (EVIL AND ALL THE VICES).
Peace.
James: I did write about you sending me to view the Kennedy speech. Profound. I didn’t address your name to it … it’s posted after your comment.
Peace.
LIG I think he’s just P.O.’d because you blew his cover and “ruined” his neat little lie-filled life. He is just trying to think up anything he knows will hurt you.. I mean why would he bring up anything about your love life in the first place.. he probably wants those papers cuz he’s afraid you’ll use them against him somehow.. dumbarse jerk.
My first husband STILL rants and raves about how I “ruined” his life.. how the heck I did that, I’ll never know.. I was a GOOD and faithful wife to him.
i hear ya, kat. mine even blamed me for him hating his wife! how did i do that? lol … if it weren’t so sick it would be funny.
Beverly, I kind of “ah ha’d” today on a couple of issues of how and why we accept their “stuff”—Dr. Eric Berne, who wrote the book, Games People Play, describes three “internal states”—sort of like Ego, Id an Super ego but not exactly—Dr. Berne calls them “Parent” Adult” and Child.
The Parent ego state consists of both the Nurturing and the critical “parental tapes” we recorded in childhood about how we should behave and are we or are we not a “good” boy/girl, it also dishes out the internal praise or guilt.
The Adult part of our minds is simply a computer that makes decisions. 2+2=4 out of “facts”—“if I go to the beach today I will get fired from my job” etc.
The child (internal child) is the part of us that has fun, loves, feels guilty, feels happy, feels sad, etc.
There is an internal interaction between these three ego states, and the parent can “scold” or punish the child or tell the child what a good/boy or girl you are for doing what they told you.
By switching between the various ego states the P can hook into our internal child as a “parental” figure, or he/she can be the “naughty” child and lyiing and covering up his “bad deeds” knowing that his own internal critical parent will “hit” him for doing these things, but not caring.
While I totally disagree with Wini, that the Ps can “change” or even want to change, and see them more as satanic than as stunted children, there is the “child” aspect to they want what they want and they want it now and they don’t give a rat’s behind if it kills you or not.
Just like a “naughty” child/bully on the play ground will pick at a weaker child and taunt them, embarass them, harass them, etc. “just for the fun of it” the Ps know where to poke the knife to get the most pain for their trouble from us.
They have figured out how to “come on” in the parental voice to acuse us of being “bad people” by doubting their word, challenging their authority etc.
Berne’s book is an interesting read and helps you be able to see when someone is coming on to you as a “critical parent” and not let them hook your “guilty child” ego state into defending itself.
Any time I am feeling guilty I ask myself “Why is my internal parent beating my internal child?” That immediately throws me out of the child state into the Adult state (which since the Adult doesn’t have “emotions” but is a calculator, makes me stop feeling guilty immediately. Try it sometime, it does work.
When you are feeling some unpleasant emotion, ask yourself “why is my internal child crying?” or “why is my chld feeling guilty?” Then you can figure out where you were hooked by the P (or someone else) into a “Game”—which always has a NEGATIVE PAY OFF…usually for both parties.
Games People Play was written 30+ yrs ago but still has some pretty good information that is easily understood and gives us some awareness when we are hooked into a game, and BOY O BOY DO THE P’S LOVE GAMES.