By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
good post OX – So you are saying we kinda have a split personality? And when our child thought’s are in control we need to call our adult personality to kick our inner child in the butt?
Dear James,
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
I remember this “grin” you talk about. One of the things I think is so interesting about these people and us, as victims, is that we are so sensitive to cues and you saw one in your ex’s grin and blank expression.
The Bad Man had a look, a grin, I took early on as a sort of sheepish little boy expression. I rather liked it in the beginning. In time though, I came to realize that this look indicated that he had just latched onto something I said or did, quite innocently, that he would later emotionally beat me with. I hated that look and I even told him I knew when the sh*t was going to hit the fan from the expression.
There were many micro moments that tickled the pit of my stomach. I will not ignore those kinds of clues again.
Once we didn’t know about personality disorders but our bodies often knew we something was not right about the other person.
Thanks again for sharing. I can imagine I was in the room. I get the pain you all felt and the disturbing absense of feelings from the puppeteer… the Sociopath. Perhaps they love to see our emotions so raw because they just can’t get there themselves.
Aloha
alohatraveler
Thank you for your comments and may I say to all readers it is nice to know that I wasn’t the “crazy” one. The grin always left me wondering what she was thinking and I always felt uneasy after seeing it. It was like “okay, then? What is she up to now? But still the void of expression with the “look” was just plain scary and left me feeling kind of looking into the darkness and unable to see what was there waiting for me. Looking into eyes that didn’t reflect back. I have been thinking about that look and when I feel something like when my son tells me about a small cut he got. I can see empathy in my eyes like I too was cut. Like if someone tells you a sad story and your facial expression changes but so do the shape of your eyes. Very hard to put into words but I hope you understand.
Now we all know how they can mimic emotion and expression. So when we see one that is void of these expressions. Lord how it throw us into total confusion. And maybe even denial?
Dear Henry,
Well, so to speak “sort of”—it’s just like when you (your inner child) wants to say eat a WHOLE CHOCOLATE CAKE but your “Adult” knows that this is NOT a good thing, then it (the Inner Adult) says, “Nah, kid, you shouldn’t do that” and puts the cake away.
The Parent (internal) is made up of the stuff your parents taught you was good, bad, right, wrong, etc. when you were a REAL little kid and isn’t all bad, even some of the worst parents did teach us some good things–like brush your teeth before you go to bed, the fork goes on the left, take a bath every day—but they also gave us some “garbage in, garbage out” stuff—-“you’re dumb” or “You’ll never amount to anything” or “all girls are dumb” or “it’s okay to drink a lot of booze, just don’t let your wife find out”
Our internal Adult (our rational mind) can “weed out” some of the garbage by saying to itself “MY Parent said all girls are dumb, but I know some girls who are very smart, so maybe (internal) mom didn’t know what she was talking about, NOT all girls are dumb. Also your internal Adult can say “(M) was a P, he treated me badly, I’m not going to cry for him any more, he was NOT good for me.” (Internal Adult, rational mind, can protect your Internal Child by NOT ALLOWING you to pick up the phone and call him when the Internal Child is feeling down or sad.
Our Reasonable, rational, logical minds (Internal Adults) CAN if we will allow them, PROTECT US (our internal child that wants to be loved) from the predators that would prey on us.
Basicly that’s what it amounts to. Order the book, it is a small book and a quick read, but lots of good stuff. I read it years and years ago, and every now and then I pull it out and reread it, to reinforce the fact that I CAN let my Adult (internal) run my life while my Internal Child is feeling a bit “under the weather”—-lately, I’ve been letting my Child procrastinate on doing some things that my Adult knows it needs to do, soooooo, GET YER BUTT IN GEAR, LITTLE OXIE, and GET TO WORK ON THOSE THINGS.
One thing I would like to share is that after my ex left I was in complete chaos and totally a mess both emotionally and mentally.
So after awhile I went off to my local VA Clinic and had them do a complete physical checkup. Being afraid of STD’s and having experienced a critical Panic Attack. After my test were done.. Well nothing there. My doctor was concern for my emotional state and my weight loss, but assure me I was physically healthy.
So then off I go to my local mental health Clinic…
I ask them to test me for personality behavior problems and wonder if maybe I too suffer from some kind of personality disorder. All the material I was reading left me with more questions then answers about me. Just maybe I too was a NPD or BPD or whatever. I did inform my psychiatric therapist that I suffer from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) being told this as a child from my past therapy sessions which for me began at a very early age. Well my test gave back and still nothing there? Talk with my therapist concerning this matter. Still no real confirmation that this was my problem (PDI) concerning my current emotional instability.
I also thank God for my religious belief system that got me thru some very hard times emotionally. And that both the professional and spiritual association help me heal and learn what I was going thru…
So for all those present and not present. Thank you and I indeed own a debt of gratitude!!!
It’s such a shame that these people have forced us to doubt our own sanity. But why wouldn’t we? They are SO good at what they do! And, they never stop and have tactics under their belts that we never dreamed of!
My ex absolutely CAN’T ever be the BAD guy. His technique of maintaining this kept me uncertain about my sanity and the person he truely was for a good long time. For example:
Anyone that he talked to after he left me and who asked him what happened, he would quickly respond by saying that it was all his fault or that I deserved someone who would treat me better than he did. He would tell them just what a good person I was! Sounds so open, blameless and honest, doesn’t it? His continued “goodness” left me feeling as though somehow I had was doing something wrong–simply because I was the hurt and angry one! However, his response just did’t add up to his behavior. If he’d of been such an open and honest person, then there’s no possible way he could have spent MY money on sometimes as many as two strangers per day with whom he was having sexual encounters with during our entire 7 year marriage! He tells his new GF what a good person I am and therefore she feels that he is truely sorry that he could have treated such a good person SO badly. However, when I tried to get him to come collect his belongings….he told her that I was a monster! He wouldn’t come collect his things because he wanted her to believe that I was somehow dangerous in order to get her to buy him all NEW things and it worked. He used her own ignorance to his advantage. Everyone knows that the police will gladly escort you and stand by when you need to collect your belongings if you are afraid of being hurt! He knew he had absolutely NO reason to be afraid. So, how can I be SO good and SO bad at the same time?
These people are like a constant riddle! Never take what they say as what they REALLY mean. They force us to stay on our toes and read between the lines. However, I’ve noticed that one easy way to understand their language is to translate it into the exact opposite of what we hear from them. That’s usually what they are REALLY saying! LOL!
James I forgot to tell you.. that story is chilling, and so familiar, like a nightmare common to us all.
tami
“These people are like a constant riddle!”
So many times I heard people refer to them as a “walking contradiction“. They will even contradict themselves in the same sentence. Yet just another red flag to watch for with dealing with a sociopath. While some people will be told how good you “were” and then still others how bad you “are” would depend on whom that person is and what the sociopath hopes to gain by it. As always truth and consistencies in behavior is throw right out the window! They are indeed a “walking contradiction“!
kat_o_nine_tales says
Thank and yes it was a living nightmare at the time..
tami: It’s called “putting a spin” on anyone that should uncover his motives behind anything he does. Put you on guard, play games with your head, tell this story to that person, another story to another. Hey, if you all get together some day and match notes … you’ll see all the deception he did to everyone … and down the road he goes to a new city, new state, new country starting his MO all over again. To leave shattered lives in his wake … never leaving anyone whole or better than they were before he arrives. They are the hurricanes of the human species. Can’t answer a direct question except to tell you more lies, lies, lies. Why? So he can get what he wants, when he wants, whenever he wants. That’s why they don’t make sense to anyone, we didn’t know their motivation was GREED. Major sin, by the way.
Peace.