By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Dear James,
Yes, James I can believe it, but WOW! “Nice job packing the car”—LOL ROTFLMAO Boy, talk about the ULTIMATE INGRATITUDE! I’m not laughing at your pain, James, but at the ULTIMATE INGRATITUDE of one like HER! Sheesh! I thought I had “heard it all”—the lowest of the low, but your X’s statement goes below ANYthing I heard before.
After my P-son got out of prison the first time my husband and I had agreed to let him come to live with us in Arkansas, (which he SAID he wanted to do) but, instead he didn’t come here to live with us, but went to live with my husband’s nut-case niece in Dallas. We found out later that the reason she let him come live with her was that she was just sure that the reason he had been in prison was that his mother “was just too harsh on him.” Yea, right!
Anyway, he did come home for a visit, and when he got home he and I were talking (if you want to call it “a talk”) and he told me that “the REASON he didn’t come home (which was supposed to be a punishment to me) was that he knew that if he “got into trouble again with the law (which he fully intended to do) that I would “turn him in to the cops” (the most disloyal thing in the world, to his way of thinking) So, he “punished me” by not coming home.
I looked him square in the eyes and told him “You got that chit right, son. I WOULD turn you in to the cops if you were breaking the law.” (And I would have done it again)
It is literally funny to me, even then, that him NOT coming home was, HE thought a PUNISHMENT to me. Well, him being at her house was definitely a punishment to my husband’s niece. She finally realized, though, that he was not how he was because his mother was “too harsh” and that “trusting him” and giving him “another chance” was pretty stupid on her part! It was less than 5 months time before he killed the girl that had been his partner in some credit card fraud because she ratted him out to her parents and grandparents (whose names they had used to open accounts to loot).
But, James, I think your X’s comment wins the “Ingratitude award of the decade”
We are both blessed to be rid of them out of our lives, though!
Tami: You wrote “Yes! I can only imagine what it would be like to get together with my ex’s exes! I believed everything that he told me about those women and for the life of me, just could NOT understand how on earth they could have treated someone so kind and loving like SO badly! HA! My bad! Oh, you’d better believe that I now understand why they ALL hate him SO much.” I can totally relate this. My ex-P either denied relations with his ex’s or he blamed them for the breakup. I remember him telling me about a woman in Europe that he was with for 5 years. He said that when he met her she was already pregnant from an ex-bf and that he fell in love with her so he stayed with her and raised the child as his own. Then he told me that he broke up with her because he came home one day earlier than expected from being out to sea in the European Navy and caught her in bed with his best friend and that’s why he has trust issues and doesn’t need any friends because if his best friend can betray him then other friends could do the same. Well, I found out later that the son he denied was his…WAS HIS! And that whole story about catching his gf cheating on him was a LIE!
He also told me that he was married to an older woman and that it was only to stay in the country, which is true. However, I found out that she had fallen in love with him and that she was crazy. She was a crazy, I admit, however, I’m sure he also did his part to bring this out of her. She had this blog up for years. She would say so many wonderful things about him then later on trash him and smear his name all over the city. She would also say horrible things about me and his ex-gf before me that were not true (at least the things about me). She did say something nice about one of the ex’s. She said that she was an intelligent woman because she broke up with him because he told so many lies.
Then there was the ex-gf before me, which he left for me. I didn’t know at the time that they were still together. He had told me that he had broken up with her because she stole money from him and that she cheated on him. I haven’t had the chance to speak with her yet but I am hoping to. Also, she got pregnant by him but he denied it was his because she had been with so many men after him. He said it couldn’t be his because she refused that he get a paternity test to prove it. So, of course, I thought if she doesn’t want him to get tested it was because she knew it wasn’t his. So that was the end of that…so I thought. Then I found out that the child was his and that he would flaunt pictures of her to everyone…everyone but me!
And I did speak to his current gf who lives in an Asian country, whom he’d met over the internet. I told her EVERYTHING. She was confused, angry and hurt. She told me that he had left to go to another country but that he’d be back next month and that he told her that he was in love with her and wanted to marry her. I told her that everything he told her were lies. She cried, in fact, we both cried. I’m not sure what she’s going to do with all this information but I hope she does the right thing. It is so disheartening that these “monsters” are walking around taking advantage of everyone they come in contact with. It’s sick!!
I think they’ve all perfected the better mouse trap. Think about it. Knowing our country is so big with all the inner city bang, bang, shoot em up … and how the yahoo cowboys cops love the calls going out to a shoot up bang bang instead of oh hummmmmmmmmmmm, boring domestic calls, or “lady, you got to be kidding me to waste my time getting that cat out of the tree … here’s the number for the fire department.
Anyway, knowing that most states don’t talk with each other, most agency’s having incompetent anti-socials working there too … knowing even if the cops or the FBI want to pick them up and lock them up, they are NOT a top priority to spend money on their capture …
So the saga continues.
That’s why they do what they do to us, people in society. We aren’t insured for this like banks and corporations are. Plus, banks and corporations have money to sue their asses. Individuals don’t.
I think anti-socials know about the creator and are looking at life like “it’s a crap shoot, 50-50 whether the Big G up in the skies is real or not … so I’m taking my chances that he’s just a big joke to control the masses … and I’m going for the gusto … getting what I want, when I want, any time I want. No offense to any of you folks that do the 9 to 5 and are responsible in life … more power to ya … but I’m going for the gusto and you guys do what ya wanta do. Besides, doesn’t God love all his children?
Peace.
The only thing missing in the above theory is that God wants us to live in harmony and judges us by the harmony we have kept in our care. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Call me jaded….whatever, but I still date men after all that I have been through. I only date men that own their own stuff, have fun things to offer and no young children. I have a male pilot friend, who tells me that he works with married guys who post on dating internet sites as single men…go figure! And they have back-up cell phones to hide their “indescretions”. Are guys who post as married, but looking for some fun considered Sociopaths? My friend and I Lisa put our profiles on an Adult Site saying that we did not want to get married and really didn’t want a boyfriend just sex. We did not post our pictures. Well……within a few days, each of us had literally hundreds of emails and “hits” from mostly married men. They did not have pics posted for obvious reasons, but were straight forward in their Bio’s that they are looking for a “side piece”. Are these guys considered Socio’s or just cheaters? How pathetic is that? Are the men that get busted on that Dateline show, meeting underage girls off of the internet, considered Sociopaths?
Ahhh, the ‘look.’ I remember that ‘look’ when I walked in on him with another girl…He had lied to me about where he would be that evening,while I was out with my sister talking about ‘us!’ And where was he? Hottubbing and drinking tequila shots with someone else… I just had that feeling, ya know? Especially after he told me he would call me later and never did. So, I went to his house, and saw his car parked wayyy down the street, with someone else’s in front of his house. I walked around back, where he usually left the back door open for me, the hot tub was still hot, then tequila shots lined up in the kitchen. I walked upstairs to his room, and in the moonlight saw two bodies in his bed. I turned the light on, and nothing. They must have been that drunk that they didn’t even flintch. I stood there for a moment, pondering. Should I go, never talk to him again, or should I go, and see if he lies to me? Neither, I had to throw it in his face. I tapped him on the foot, and immediately he woke up.
His eyes were so wide, with the lOOK of embarrassment, more so that he was caught, not sorry or regretful. And why would he be sorry?!? He did such a good job of doing his best to not let me find out…The lie about him going out with friends, and then ‘hiding’ his car. He probably suspected I wouldn’t come over but if I did i wouldn’t think he was home or notice his car down the street.
But that look…He pulled the covers up beneath his nose, almost with a small childish grin with the pure look of embarrassment. Like a kid getting caught in the cookie jar.
Like, “Oopsie, this looks bad, huh?”
And I went back to him a week later. Dummy me. I just wonder, also from hearing from so many of my friends (that are left, lol) why I keep replaying or questioning memories.
What is wrong with me? Why would I go back to that again, and again?
Like I just did on Monday. :(( UGH! I know! I was doing so good of NC for almost a month, and now I’m starting over again. It’s awful. It was a very quick contact, as we hung out, and the next day told me he was only with me the last year from boredom, pity, and loneliness, and that he has always thought I was an ‘insane wierdo’ after a month of knowing me, and he is so much happier that I am gone. He said ” You think i never cared you piece of s**t?” Wow, doing a great job of showin’ it though! (he then asked me to come play yahtzee a couple hours after saying that) Completely and utterly insane. I didn’t go, and he questioned why I wasn’t responding, and now I haven’t heard anything since. I should be saying good riddance, but why aren’t I?!
Maybe I, we, can’t let go of this pain, because the natural thing to do is retaliate when someone hurts and gets the best of us, and gets away with it. And since we know NC is the only way, we can’t and don’t want to play their games anyway(that we would never win anyway), we feel trapped in our own skin because we can’t so anything about it. Feelings of anger, resentmnent, betrayal, regret…It is so hard to have those locked in me when he has no feelings whatsoever.
In reply to the above post Wini about child psychology 101, I don’t think he was saying it because he’s mad he can’t come back. He really doesn’t ever want to come back. I have been officially discarded. He knows I figured him out. But still, why the heck would i want to hang out if he called right now? I want to NOT want him, but I do. Is it my ego? Or am I really an insane wierdo, like he said, and that’s why he left me? I know that these questions are common, but I hate that I am questioning myself in every way, like I deserved this treatment, and he deserves, and will get, better than me.
I KNOW it will never be any better. Once something is sour, it can NEVER EVER be fresh again. Thats just simple chemistry. So my question, is why do I want something like him and what he gives? I’m going to start seeing a therapist next week, but I just feel awful, right now.
I should have walked out the door and never looked back.
Heartoheart and others:
I’m running a couple of days behind and have missed so many of your comments!
Yes, it’s absolutely disgusting as to how all these people are such cowardly wimps! My ex literally went into hiding after he left me! Why he was hiding from me, I have NO clue as I’m far from violent. But, I really wish that his GF’s husband could have gotten his hands on him! It’s funny–I don’t want my ex beat up or anything like that–I’d just like to see a REAL man bitch slap him to the ground when he is in the presence of all those he still has fooled! He’d cry like a baby! I’d just love to witness him half as humiliated and degraded as the humiliation and degradation he inflicted upon me!
My ex also blamed all his exes for everything. The greatest thing that he claimed that caused ALL his relationships to fail is that he never seemed to have enough money for them! LOL! I had my own money so he can’t blame that one on me! My guess is that they asked him to get a job! I also heard the line about his coming home and catching one of his exes in bed with his best friend! Then, there was his son’s mother whom he claimed had an older sugar daddy that she just wouldn’t give up! Turned out that her 12 year old daughter accused him of coming on to her and trying to stick his tongue in her mouth! Good for her for taking her daughter and his son and disappearing! He has’t laid eyes on his son since and that was 15 years ago! Her entire family would like to see him dead or locked up! And, the rest were ALL cheaters and he claimed that one had “anger issues”–well I wonder WHY?
As for me, he says that I was TOO independent for him and that he was “needy”. He also claims that I was TOO intelligent for him and he just didn’t “fit in”. And, I am the only one of his exes who exposed him to his next victim as who he really is–offering PROOF either through written sexual harassment complaints against him or people who were willing to speak up. But, she still just didn’t get it. I wasn’t the only one trying to warn her. He admitted to her that he had been a horrible person all of his life and that he treated me “worse than any of them”. But he says that he REALLY loves her and will change for her if she’ll just give him a chance! She believes him and keeps right on spending her money on him!
It’s almost like these people have the ability to cast a “love spell” that we fall prey to.
Cheryl: I’m not going to allow the likes of my crazy ex S ruin my opinion of all men! There are MANY good men in this world. Let’s just hope that we have educated ourselves well enough not to select that 1 in 25 who is another s!
question: … do i have the only ex-s/p who has a good career, his own house, and who pays his bills (for the most part?) now, don’t get me wrong, the guy manipulated lots of money out of me, but it was always, ‘oh, can you buy me some new t-shirts?’ or ‘i need gas money’ he was always broke because he had a wife who didn’t work and three kids to support and here i was giving him 100 bucks here and 30 there. but he wasn’t a total freeloader … (or was he?)
just seems that a lot of stories i see here speak of s/p’s who couldn’t even hold down a job.
Lostingrief:
Sounds like your ex s/p freeloaded off you so that his wife wouldn’t miss the money! My bet is that she handled most of their financial affairs.
My ex s/p (I like the way you put that and am going to steal it from you!) couldn’t hold down a steady job unless it was a job that allowed him TOTAL freedom. He could NEVER work a job that was confining or that he was held accountable for an entire workshift. He uses the “freedom” for sexual encounters with anyone that he can find who is willing. Whether it be 17 year olds or 60 year olds. Excuse my expression, but he only wanted to work “shit jobs” and these jobs never offer steady work. He might work 60 hours one week and then not work for 3 months! He still INSISTED that he needed $20 a day spending money whether he was working or not! And, his income didn’t even cover his debts or his expenses! I honestly think that the ONLY reason the man worked was to have a means of having sex when I was at work. And, then once I got in from work, he had sex with me. I honestly think that he couldn’t stand being alone or without sex long enough to allow me to work my 8 hour day! He admitted that he couldn’t go without someone’s attention that long! There’s something horribly wrong with him! I later learned that he actually bragged about my giving him money to spend on these other women! However, when he was in my presence, I couldn’t have asked for a better man or for anyone to treat me with more respect!!! Tell me…that’s really sick…isn’t it?
Over and over again this sweet and mean cycle is repeated. One day or minute for that fact, we are their savior and friend. Then the next the cause for all their problem and trouble. One day lavished with kisses and kindness, the next spit at and cursed. One day show respect and value only to be next degraded and unvalued. One day welcome and accepted only to be then throw out like old garbage and waste. One day told by them how good we are then only to learn later how often others were told just how bad and crazy we were to them. Over and over again this sweet and mean cycle is repeated.
How one learns to rolled and get throw about on their crazy emotional roller coaster ride…
But for me that “ride” is over and done with. Learning the price for that ticket and just how much one will pay and pay!
James: Does something tell us that they can’t look at themselves to make necessary changes for the better? Hence, why they skip from partner to partner … not wanting to face their own issues. Or, not knowing they need to face any issues. My thinking lately is more in line that they may be perfectionists in their minds … never doing anything so they don’t take the blame for anything either. Their fear may stem from not being able to make mistakes in life. As soon as they see someone … they have an immediate desire to approach that individual. Entranced with the newness, their emotions are overtaking, not allowing them to focus on their main issues. As soon as they see a flaw of the humanity side of the partner … their minds immediate put the blame on the partner and they know in their heart of hearts they are moving on … as quick as possible. The rest of their stay with the partner is done mechanically, not emotionally. Looking at the partner as they are to blame, never to look inside themselves. Their perfectionist mentality is to never admit to mistake to enter their minds … if they do, they shall shatter … like Humpty Dumpty sitting on a Wall … never wanting to Fall. If anything I’m writing on is hitting what they may all be about, they are the most neurotic of all the personality traits.
Just a thought going in this direction of what is a perfectionist at the extreme level of the scale (1-10, them topping over the 10 mark).
Peace.