By James
A few days ago while watching television with my oldest son, he turned to me and said, “You know, Dad, what biggest lie she ever told us was?”
I said, “No, son, I don’t.”
“When she told us nothing was going to change, and how much everything has changed.”
“Guess so, Son. Maybe that was the biggest lie she ever told us.”
I remember that day so well, as if it only happened yesterday. It was the evening of May 22, 2006, between the hours of 7 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The cold months were ending and summer would soon be here, only this summer would be much more different than my children and I could ever imagine. I just finished with the washing, trying to help out more around the house, after my ex and I had a big fight on Mother’s Day, when she decided not to come home, after telling me about her going to a hair demonstration with her sister and mother. I know now that was a lie, and that she left the state and went to spend the night with the person whom she left her children for. In fact, I was even at this time still trying to work on our relationship, again and again, trying to satisfy her by doing whatever it took to somehow make this relationship work. To somehow save our relationship and save my family. After finishing the washing, my ex out of the blue informed me that she had something to tell me and she believed that I wouldn’t like it, as stated by her own words.
I looked at her and, without her saying one word, I replied, “You met someone and you are leaving us?”
She only shook her head yes to reply.
“Do you love him?” I asked. And she only shook her head yes to reply.
For some reason after she informed me of this, the time she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day came flooding back to me. Her telling me a few days before how her mother and sister wanted her to go with them to some kind of hair event. I remembered calling her cell phone late that evening, the day before Mother’s Day, and asking when she was coming home, and her telling me that she was going to spend the night at her mother’s home and then return home on Mother’s Day. I remembered asking her what time on Sunday would she be getting home, and she informed me that it would be late. I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and I wanted to spend some of the day as a family with her and the boys. She told me that she would return home early, and this too was a lie. In fact, she didn’t return home on Mother’s Day until very late that evening.
After telling me about leaving us, and how she would move in and live with her parents (that too was a lie), she told me that she would leave in a week. Now, dear readers, please understand what kind of emotional state I was in, trying hard to deal with this. I told her NO! If she wanted to go she would have to leave tonight, believing this was best for the children, her and myself. I demanded that she get what property she needed and leave as soon as possible. Soon both children were alerted because once again we were fighting. They asked me what was wrong and I informed both children that their mother was leaving us for another man and would be living with her parents. My oldest was 15 at the time and glad that she was leaving, in fact he told me, “Dad, I am glad she is leaving!” Still my other child, 12 years of age, was in tears. My heart was torn…
For some reason my 12-year-old wanted to know the name of the person she was leaving us for. He begged her and I told her to just TELL HIM! The name she gave him was also a lie, which we didn’t learn until a few weeks after she left. But you see, dear readers, that still wasn’t the biggest lie. I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for one week before leaving, and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me, while my youngest was begging me, with a slight grin on her face! I remember that grin so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like that when she knew she had me over a barrel, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him, “No Son, I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight.”
I remember her telling me she wouldn’t leave the house until she used our house phone (I never really knew who she called) to call her mother to tell her she was coming over. So I told her to use her cell phone. She replied that she didn’t have any minute left on the cell to use. This too was a lie, because a couple days later my oldest told me he remembered seeing her add minutes to her cell that day. But still this wasn’t the biggest lie.
Then at one point during this nightmare, she told both the boys, “Nothing was going to change, only your dad and me won’t be living together anymore.”
I, of course, yelled back at her, “THAT IS A LIE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE!” As I told her this, I was looking straight in her face, and this is what I saw: Nothing!
Dear readers, please allow to me explain. I saw this plain, emotionally detached look on her face many times before, but for some reason, maybe because this would be the last time I would see “the look,” it took a different shape and a new meaning for me.
What I witnessed were two children in emotional turmoil. Me being torn between wanting her to leave and still wanting her to stay. The oldest yelling at me to let her go, “Dad, just let her GO!” He had enough of her and her BS. The other child crying, begging her not to leave and begging me to let her stay for the week she requested! I, too, was torn, but knew the best thing at this moment was to get her out as quickly as possible, believing her lies about living with her parents. I witnessed three people in anguish. But in her blank expression I saw absolutely nothing! No emotions, no feeling! No empathy or compassion for her own children. No tears from her! No regrets from her! I witnessed from her not one single emotional expression, other then that grin, when she was standing behind my youngest son who was begging me to let her stay for one week! I saw nothing in those eyes!
At the time I didn’t know what a sociopath was. Never knew anything about people that suffer from personality disorders. Narcissistic behavior was just a word I heard from a movie I watched. A borderline personality disorder? What was that? I knew nothing about any of these terms. So why, when I saw her expression during this time did it chill me to the bone and throw me for an emotional loop I can never explain? Out of all the fights we had during our 17 years together, how does this one stand out so clear in my mind? The reason I believe, dear readers, is because I looked into the eyes of a sociopath and saw the deep abyss of someone who could tell her own children the biggest lie, and not even blink. I saw in those eyes nothing, empty of any emotional connection between her children and herself. I SAW NOTHING! I SAW THE EYES OF A SOCIOPATH FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME I REALLY TRULY SAW IT AND REMEMBER IT! EVEN TO THIS DAY!
Gees Louise! I never thought about the “freedom” within his job for sexual encounters. Hit me like a ton of bricks. My ex S finally got a full time job and he worked days–6-2pm. He hated it! He actually got his shift changed to 10pm-6am. No accountability and the freedom to cheat on his trusting wife was endless. We did argue about the shift change because he professional life would be good but his personal life would not be. He didn’t care about his good little wife at home or his children; all he cared about was a “piece.” I guess his personal life did not suffer, just his family life.
As for contacting his ex’s–I have done that. I realized that he was with someone when he met me, but told me that they had broken up months before. I found out it was not true. When he lost his job I contacted his ex gf that he met when we were still married. She told me the lies that he told her about us being separated for a long time when they met. He stole money from her, but did pay her back. He spun everything to make it her fault–no matter what it was. He harrassed her when she wanted to break it off. I always remember–they only know what is being told to them. And they are not being told the truth.
His new victim, who is going to marry him, believes all that he is telling her. Does she know he stole money from his ex gf or that he harrassed her so much that she had to move? To keep her away from me I believe he told her lies about me. There are so many red flags waving but he justifies each and every one, just like when he was with me. There was an explanation for each and every one. The lies he tells are just a house of cards that has no solid foundation. No solid foundation=Failed relationship. Everyone knows he is marrying her for her money/income. The only heartbreak about this is my children, who will have to go through a divorce of their parent again. This is different than both of their parents, but when a significant person, such a stepmom, comes into kids lives it is influential. I will have to pick up the pieces for them, as usual.
I have been in limited contact with him since the end of May. When I do have verbal contact with him I get so enraged that I can’t see straight. I try to be strong, but sometimes I want him to call–to feel wanted or needed? Why is my feeling of being wanted or needed come from him wanting or needing me?
I just love this site and the supportive people here. I have been in a funk lately and the support that is given is just priceless.
-Ginger
Wini: I know you addressed your last post to James but I wanted to chime in–hope that’s okay. I don’t see them as perfectionists at all. I see them as lying, cheating low life leeches. I don’t think they have enough of a personality to be perfectionists. They take on whoever they need to be to get what they want from others. If my ex had of been a perfectionist, one would think that he would have been a bit more choosy as to the women he chose to sleep with. Most were lower class women that society looked down on. I think his choosing to keep this kind of company made him feel superior. I’m not explaining myself correctly here…I’ll try this again when I can figure out how to word it in a more understandable fashion. LOL!
Wini: Oh yeah, their never being wrong and always blaming others is also a way that they seek pity. I think they’re stories of failed relationship always being the other partner’s fault is just a way to make their new victims feel sorry for them that were treated so badly. What we really need to think hard about is that the stories they told us of the wrong that was done to them is EXACTLY what they did to other people. I believe this is how they manage to lie with such believeable detail. The stories are true–they just switch the characters!
tami: interesting. yes, his wife controlled all the finances. and he does have a job that offers lots of freedom … he practically runs the place even though he isn’t at the top of the heap. he has all of his co-workers thinking they can’t run the place without him, but he tended to ‘disappear’ for two or three hours a day. i would try to reach him and no one would be able to find him. then all of a sudden, ten minutes before he was supposed to leave, he would reappear. yup. plenty of opportunity to cheat.
what a sleazebag.
james: i’m off that rollercoaster, too, now. thank god. it was always such a horrible feeling never knowing if it would be a ‘loving’ day or a ‘hating’ day. he always talked about how much he loved me, but never, never showed it, esp. the last year. he made 100 promises and never kept even one of them.
i still can’t fathom how these pod-people breathe, let alone sleep. they are truly a disgrace to humanity. and i am so grateful that i was dismissed by him. i just hope he leaves me alone for all time!
TOWANDA!!!
tami: I understand where you are coming from … I’m not looking at my EX for what he did or didn’t do to damage my life … I’m looking beyond that … looking at who he was with me, what I saw in him. Plus, I worked with others (too many) that have this same condition. It’s all the same with them … complaining about this or that, never resolving anything … just shooting their mouths off with complaints about a person, a thing, an issues … but never coming up with solutions. Then when I’d resolve something (especially in work), all their names went on my work … and I was no where listed as providing the resolution. First, I thought this was selfish of my managers … and it was just the way it was in business, but as I met others with this same personality trait … and looking back at them objectively … not with my emotions involved … they all have this perfectionist attitude … complaining that this or that isn’t right … never attempting to resolve a situation … just comment on it, complain about it, critisize others as they attempt to resolve it. But, never do they try to resolve anything. Looking from a distance, not stepping in “to do” anything. That’s why I thinking along the lines, maybe, just maybe they are all some type of perfectionist in their minds … perfectionists have to do everything perfectly (which we all know is impossible … but that’s neither here nor there right now in this discussion) … pefectionists that can’t admit a mistake, it horror to them if they should fail … hence, stand on the sidelines and never jumping into the waters of life … not having real relationships (ups and downs of any relationship), working out problems (can’t have a problem cause they are perfect) … can’t complete their works … dictate to others how to work … so they can play the blame game on subordinates … you did this wrong. Well, I did it exactly like you told me to the letter T. Wham, fired. Relationships. Wham, gone … next one down the road and next one. Why? Because they can’t admit any flaws in themselves or others. They perceive themselves as perfect. How does one do that? How do you be perfect as a person? You can’t. That’s why they can’t do anything.
I don’t know why, it was something I thought about my oldest sister … never doing anything in life, always complaining, always critiquing … doesn’t do anything so she doesn’t take the blame for anything that could (and of course) will go wrong???
Does this make sense to you?
ginger: i had no contact with my ex s/p/n for five weeks; then i had to talk with him because of some computer files he wanted. i figured, better to talk on the phone than face him. i became enraged even though i tried to stay cool. i just couldn’t.
yes, sometimes i want him to call, but perhaps what you are feeling isn’t necessarily that you want him to want you. in my case, i want him to call so i can not answer the phone and let him know i’m not dying without him. also, if he calls, then i know he knows i wasn’t the problem. but the bottom line is that nothing about them is REAL! it doesn’t matter if they call or not, move on or not, get married or not, have ANOTHER baby or not (the case w/my ex and the 25 yr old he dumped me for — and of course, he’s still married!).
it doesn’t matter because they don’t change. he has very long term relationships because nobody has ever put him in his place and left him. not even me. he’s insanely gorgeous, his body is outrageous, the sex is amazing, so we all stay thinking we’ll never do better. but regardless, why should any of them leave one of us for the other when they can have both (or three or four or even five!)?
i’m owning my part in this nightmare and moving on pretty well — six weeks and happily counting. but he’ll never own what he did, he’ll never stop lying or cheating or manipulating or taking. you don’t want him to call you. if he does don’t answer the phone. no contact. no contact. no contact. just last night i had to tell his brother not to call me anymore. it was difficult because i always had a good relationship with his family, but i’d rather lose them than have to ever hear a word about this disgusting leech again.
TOWANDA!!!
tami: I have a child hood friend in my life that is 55 and has been drinking since he was 10 years old. 45 years of drinking, so I suspect his liver will be giving out soon. Yes, don’t ask … I explained for many years now (over 30 years) to get their brother/son into rehab and it falls on deaf ears. I don’t have the finances to pay for it myself … so it gets unresolved … and his oldest sister is an RN to boot. Go figure what blinders people put on in their lives … blaming me for my concerns … and that I am being irrational … yeah, well I’ve got news for his sister … I’m writing to the Nursing Board to complain that her younger brother is dying of alcoholism and as a professional nurse, sits back for the last 40 years and does nothing. Maybe that will put a fire under her butt? Who knows.
Anyway, with this brother of hers … he’s also a perfectionist. Never doing, just complaining. If I ask him to come over and fix my washing machine for example … he has to bring his friend with him (another alcoholic). “A” is a good guy and competent with the exception of his drinking problem. “A” functions, goes to work daily, pays his bills etc. and lives with his elderly mom … so there’s his crutch of never growing up … moving out … learning to exist on your own. “V” will ask “A” how would he go about doing something. I’m looking at the two of them … like what is this crap … keystone cops here … because I know how intelligent “V” is and I know that “A” is just as intelligent for any kind of mechanical work, electronics, you name it, these two guys can do it. “A” has no problem following through with producing anything … but “V” has to ask him what his opinions are even though he is more advanced in knowledge about anything he should ask “A” about. I watch these two and go into a slow burn over “V” having to ask “A” anything. After “A” leaves I go up one side of “V” and down the other … why do you constantly have to get “A”‘s opinion on anything when you already know how to do anything I ask you to do … you did this stuff back in H.S., your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and you always need someone else’s opinion before you do anything. Then it hit me … “V”‘s a perfectionist … who won’t do anything without his fall guy “A” so if anything should go wrong he can argue with “A” and put the blame on “A” instead of allowing a mistake to happen. “A” I believe is an introverted Narcissist … hurting himself instead of hurting others. But a Narcissist just the same. I constantly have to remind him when he shoves it in my face that he’s a good guy, faithful, decent, doesn’t cheat … then I have to ask him for the rest of the equation of what he’s about, alcoholic, using his family to live off of, never moving out of mom and dads house, never working, never being responsible for himself. I can go on and on about his faults … he just walks away from me and blames me for being critical … no matter how many times I try to explain these issues are the basics in life … that most people experience.
So if “V” is on the low end of the N scale … and he’s a perfectionist that doesn’t allow him to live his life … then what are the rest of our EX’s? On a scale from 1 to 10 … where do they fit?
Correction “V” is who I considered a introverted Narcissist. Not “A”.
Dear lostingrief: I’m glad to hear that you are moving through the process of healing. It’s natural to waffle back and forth wanting him, not wanting him, wanting him to talk it out with you, knowing he will never admit his blame in the relationship ending. I wrote to Dr. Leedham to ask her to give us a professional overview of what they know about “Perfectionists” and what it entails on a scale from 1 to 10 how bad the problem may be.
I’m thinking that our EXs in their own way are perfectionists to their very core of them and can’t take responsibility for life or any blame that should arise … because of them being perfectionist. That’s why they never talk their problems out. They have to admit there is a problem first, to talk about it. That’s why them blame us for everything and anything that they perceive as a problem. It’s all our faults, never them.
Peace as you move through your healing. You are doing really good for this just happening to you.
There is a brighter side to your life after them … moving forward getting stronger than you were before.
James,
I’m glad your children had one loving parent (you) and I’m sure this had made all the difference for them. It is shocking to hear stories of how someone could walk out on their own children. I cannot imagine when your own heart is breaking how must effort it must take to hold it together for their sake.
I only dated the sociopath in my life for 2-1/2 months, and yet it destroyed a part of me. I looked in his eyes and thought I saw love. But apparently he was able to fake that emotion, like he faked everything else.