My name is Jonathan L. Spear. I serve in the United States Marine Corps. All my life I have considered myself a strong minded person who is kind hearted and loving of the world. I help all I can, I give strangers rides, I take in my friends who have fallen on bad times and help them get back on their feet and am willing to die for those I love and even people I don’t know. I am currently stationed near Baghdad, Iraq and well we don’t have a whole lot to do out here so I was watching a movie and there was this girl in it who said she has been called a sociopath by doctors but before they said that I had noticed that this girl had acted a lot like one of my ex’s. So I decided to do some research on the topic I went online and Googled it and came across this site and one other. Well I read the other one first and it gave a break down of what a sociopath was and it fit her to a glove. Then I came to this one and got more information on it and decided to share my escapade with a sociopath. My story is this:
Well my ex’s name is”¦ (well I’ll leave that part out), and she had dated some of my friends before, and I had seen her at parties and thought she was a extremely attractive girl (who did some low scale modeling in her time). I had heard about her and how she was an evil girl and that all of my friends had horrible times dealing with her and her baggage. Well I was out one day and ran into her and she recognized me from the parties and started talking to me. Well me being a young male who wasn’t in a relationship at the time, saw a chance to get a really hot girlfriend so I jumped at the chance, ignoring what my friends had told me about her, and giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Everything started out fine, she tore down my walls and she gained my trust and my love, which is really hard to do, and I just let the little things slide, like always needing some money for gas and or something like that, and the fact that she was always throwing herself at me made things really easy to accept. Then she cheated on me the first time. It absolutely devastated me, tore me into a thousand pieces, but somehow she talked her way out of me being angry and I gave her another chance. It just seemed like she cared so much and she cried like I’ve never seen before. Well a little while after that I started having my doubts about her cause she started acting weird and well I felt like she was always using me for something be it money, a place to stay, a warm body to play with, a way to get into parties, and for a social life in general cause well she didn’t seem to have any real friends other then me. So I told her that I was unhappy and she talked her way out of it making me forget about it and into the bedroom, well she said she had started birth control the week earlier (thinking back on it I never ever saw her take it even when I was with her every waking moment), so we hadn’t been using protection. About another 2 week goes by and I decide to break up with her, well I sit her down and start talking about what we were doing together and that I thought she had some problems and that I couldn’t take it any longer”¦ then she trumps me with “baby I’ve been acting weird cause I’m pregnant” and I knew that she had used this line on one of my other friends before so I didn’t believe her, well she showed me the test and I told her to take another one. She had another one with her because she said she knew I wouldn’t trust her. She took it and it was positive. So I said alright we were going to stay together and fix things between us and make our relationship work until we figured out what we were going to do. Well I did a lot of soul searching and I knew I wasn’t ready for the baby and didn’t want it. I told her, and that it was her choice on what she did and that no matter what it was I would do the right thing like a real man should. She decided that she was too young and well”¦ it still hurts to think about but she had an abortion about 2-3 weeks later.
We stayed together and I thought I fell in love with her or maybe I really did who knows, and I was bound and determined to not let things fall apart between us. But as soon as I said that to her she cheated on me again”¦ she cried said she loved me and I forgave her again. Then she did it again, and again. It seemed like if she wasn’t standing right next to me she didn’t care a damn bit about me, but when she was there her love seemed so real and she seemed so crazy about me that I would believe her every time. I realized then that she had a problem and I was damned sure I was going to figure out a way to fix her. I tried everything I could think of but nothing worked and I wasn’t willing to give her a list of do’s and don’ts (such as, you cant see him, hang out with her, or go anywhere without me) like most men would cause I hate that and am not that type of man, but nothing worked. Being a Marine I have a lot of determination and an “I will do attitude” so I couldn’t give up on her. Well I got word that my unit was leaving to go to Iraq and that I might be going. So she being my girlfriend was the first to know. She started crying and said she would miss me and didn’t want me to go and (it didn’t strike me as odd then) where was she going to stay etc”¦ well I later found out the list of people who was going and I wasn’t on it so I told her. She was happy. I was happy.
Then she cheated again”¦ I wasn’t willing to give up still but I slipped into a deep depression. All the misery she had been causing me finally caught up to me. Everyone that knew me noticed. The relationship I had with her ruined some friendships and began jeopardizing all of the rest, because they all knew what she was doing to me and didn’t understand that I was addicted to her and stuck in a cycle. Nothing they could do would cheer me up or get me to break away from loving her, until my roommate knocked some sense into me. She (roommate is female) made me realize that I was in fact stuck in the same cycle and needed to find a way to break away from it”¦ So I went to my unit and volunteered to go to Iraq as soon as I could because I knew she would just keep reeling me in if I didn’t just drop her from my life. As it turns out one of the guys on the list of people to deploy got into a little trouble and was taken off the list that day so they needed a replacement and they were leaving in 2 weeks to start predeployment training in VA. I went home and lied to her (my ex) and said I was told to go. So I spent the 2 weeks with her and she got me loving her again before when I left. The training was about a month long and when it was done I could go home for 5 days before we left for Iraq.
Well when I got home one of my buddies told me that she cheated on me again. Well I knew he wasn’t lying so I snapped and had to figure out what I was doing. So I went to see my “little sister” (I call her that because we she has been my best friend since my sophomore year in high school) and I told her that it happened again and she got really angry with me for putting up with it for so long and that she couldn’t stand seeing me do this to myself anymore, and in the argument we had she told me that she loved me and has been in love with me since high school. I stormed out cause I didn’t know what to do and I was so confused at that point I couldn’t think so I went home and downed a bottle of whiskey trying to chase it all away. I was the only one home and then guess who came up to my door not knowing I knew yet, that’s right my sweet little sociopath, well I was very drunk and very angry so I started yelling and screaming at her smashing anything I could grab against the floor. But nothing I could do at that point could show how angry at the world I was, girlfriend who I loved constantly cheating, best friend who just admitted to being in loving me for like 5 years, and leaving in 3 days to help fight a war, it’s a lot to have on your mind. Then I just stopped I calmed down and told her it was over and that maybe in the future her and I could be something but she had a lot to learn and had to fix herself first. She threw herself at me and we had sex (I shouldn’t have done it but I did) and when we were done she tried to get back together with me but I held my ground and said no”¦ she threw herself at me again and then afterwards she tried again. I let it happen one more time and then kicked her out for good.
Now I sit here in Iraq finally understanding what caused her to do those things to me realizing it wasn’t my fault and that there’s nothing I can or could do to save her from herself. I now know that to fully heal from the things she did to me I have to never let her in my life again and cut all contact from her and warn my friends about her. This was an awful experience and has scarred me deeply and I hope no one ever has to go through what I did. I hope I can recover and trust again fully because now I know I have a very great girl waiting for me at home. Thinking about it now I would go through all that pain again just for the chance to say I love you to my “little sister” in a whole new way.
That’s the end of my story. I hope that it can do some guy out there some good, knowing that if it can happen to a Marine it can happen to them and to be careful in those you love because the venomous sting of a sociopath can be very painful. So in conclusion please don’t ignore this letter. Let me protect the people in my country in more ways then one. Let me fight the battle and take the wounds whether it be from a bullet or from a fork-tongued female, so that you the people of America don’t have to.
Even though I’m a woman, I completely understand. My husband was in the same trap with his ex, even while he was in love with me. Sociopaths know that sex ‘fixes’ everything. It’s their first line of defense.
I know how hard it is to tear yourself away from somebody that you want to fix so badly. Though I don’t completely understand it, I was there while my husband was trying to “fix” his ex-wife. They don’t want to be fixed. While I don’t support abortion, that was her decision, and you can be in a way relieved that you don’t have that tie to her.
You have to remember that she will never love you like you love her. She will never even be a real friend. She will only use you. She will give you whatever STD she’s gotten through all her cheating. She knows she has your love and will USE it, not love back.
Be glad you have time away from her, even though it’s in the sand-pit. The more time you spend away, the easier it will be to see things without the rose-colored glasses. You will find a sweet, endearing lady to give your love to, and she’ll return it with her love. Dont’ waste any more of your life crying over a cheater, manipulater, and con artist. She’s a hot bod, but that’s it. What will she have when that goes???
Oh, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she lied about the modeling. And about the abortion/pregnancy. Did you go with her? Or just give her money for it?
Sociopaths will do anything. She made my last husband cheat on me, and when she saw I was talking with her ex-husband, she freaked out at losing control and “made” him cheat with her too. I say made because even though it IS the guy’s fault, I also know how female sociopaths work and how good they are at manipulation. When they get a guy on the hook that also has their heart invested, it’s like a slam dunk for them. Sex works for guys. Period.
I don’t mean to keep responding, but I’m pleasantly surprised at all these men coming out and discussing female sociopaths. They are cheaters, cheaters, cheaters! The one in my life cheated so much my husband lost count at 30. That was during the marriage. They’ve been divorced for 2 years now, and she’s been remarried twice, both guys said she’s cheated on them or had other guys on the hook while they were dating. She always has 2 or 3 guys. How disgusting!
Jonathan,
First, let me thank you sincerely for the sacrifice you’re making for our country to keep others safe and sound. I am in debt to you and all of your fellow man and women in the armed forces. God be with you.
kerisee04 is right when she says that sex is the sociopath’s first defense. I heard everything after the first round of obvious cheating. My ex-sociopath told me that from now on, he wasn’t going to have any female friends that I didn’t know personally. That lasted until the water ran cold. I can only tell you that you are forunate that you found out about your ex’s indiscretions. People like me who stayed with a sociopath for years and never found out until one of the sex partners finally “squealed,” didn’t have a clue. I really would have never guessed that my ex was cheating. He wasn’t a particularly attractive man, and it always appeared that he was available to me. What I didn’t know is that while I was at work, he was having sex with other women in our bed.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Honestly, that he was doing that practically in front of me — when at any time, I could have come home for lunch and found them — was one of the final straws.
Please take care of your heart. Do whatever it takes to heal from this. It takes a very long time. Therapy, in some cases, is actually a good idea, because it gives you the tools you need to not beat yourself up. Stay safe, Jonathan. Thanks for sharing your story.
kerisee04,
When the truth comes out, it’s ugly. As bad as I began to suspect, it was far, far worse than that. My ex-sociopath continued to “keep in touch” after we “broke up.” Even though he was supposedly in a relationship with someone, I know for a fact that he had at least two other women on the side that she didn’t know about. Additionally, he was sending me suggestive text messages. (Ugh!) Even when I asked him to stop, he continued to do it. I couldn’t get away with that to save my life, I’m just too transparent (nor would I want to). Their lack of conscience really starts to shine through after a while.
The Project Manager and the sociopath
I am also a guy, and I also got stung by a female sociopath. After you have been stung you will walk in darkness until you realize that there is nothing wrong with you and that you’ve collided with a sociopath. Then it is time for healing. And healing will come with time. But you might not ever be the same person again.
This seems like a classical case.
-The attractiveness (some of them are very attractive!)
-The pity play (the most universal sign according to Martha Stout). Look for crocodile tears. It can be really convincing and it is used to reel you in by appealing to your sympathy.
-The getting-you-hooked thing (some have used the metaphor heroin addiction). Brain survival wiring makes you addicted to the sociopath.
-Stockholm syndrome (you empathize with the emotional abuser)
-The sociopath takes on the victim role.
-The promiscuity
-The need to win (what else is left when you can’t love or empathize)
-The manipulation
These people learn early in childhood that they are different from others, and they learn early on to spot others in a crowd who are similar to them. Pretty scary huh? They learn early on that they can use normal people’s emotions against them, and do much emotional and psychological damage with ease. They have often been referred to as supreme natural psychologists with regards to reading other people. They sort of have a 6th sense when it comes to sizing up people.
It is important to realize that the person you got to know doesn’t really exist. It is just a persona, designed to entrap you. Some psychologists even refer to them as a different kind of human being. A person without a soul.
Read Without Conscience by Robert Hare and The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout.
Oh, and I was a Marine too (although not in the US Navy). Getting stung has nothing to do with integrity nor intelligence. Everybody can be taken for a ride, even experienced psychologists and psychiatrists who are dealing with a known sociopath!
They have a canny ability to imitate feelings of others. Research has shown that they can’t distinguish between emotionally laden words and neutral words. This does even appear on brain scans! While you may differentiate the emotional meaning of the word “death” from the word “table”, for a sociopath these words have the same emotional value. Only when the sociopath intellectually realize that “death” should trigger an emotionally response, they will feign the emotional response. Sociopaths know that it is nice to like children but doesn’t know why.
An article on Dr. Hare’s website called, Psychopaths Among Us, by Robert Hercz, describes how Dr. Hare was contacted by Nicole Kidman, who wanted his advice on how to play the part of a psychopath for her film, Malice. Dr. Hare uses the anecdote of a psychopath who had just witnessed an accident where a mother watched her child get killed by a car. There’s blood all over the place, and the psychopath experiences no emotion, but instead, is trying to avoid getting blood on her shoes. The psychopath notices the mother’s emotional reaction to the accident and is fascinated. She goes home, looks in the mirror, and begins to mimic the facial expressions of the mother. “That’s the psychopath,” revealed Dr. Hare.
Mr. Niceguy-
Your list of symptoms matches my husband’s ex to a tee. When I was still caught in her web as her “best friend,” and my husband (now-ex) confessed about the affair, she feigned victimization so well that I felt sorry for her!!! She really is a piece of work! So if I was that snowed after knowing her for 2 months, I can only imagine how bad my now-husband was after 6 1/2 years! I can’t blame him for anything, really. And, yes, we’re in counseling!
She goes from hating my husband to continuing to try to get him back with her, to trying to make him jealous, to blaming him, to blaming whoever she’s with, to– on and on and on.
Some people say she’s pretty. I never really thought so. She’s very sure of herself and fun to be around (at first). But if you look in her eyes and block out everything else, you don’t just see nothing, you see evil. That’s all I can say. She’s sharp too. Nothing escapes her attention. She is fighting us in court for the kids, even though her lawyer said she doesn’t have a chance, because she just can’t sign her kids away. So she’s making us all foot an enormous lawyer/psychologist bill for this.
Your note about Stockholm syndrome was excellent. I never thought of it that way. But it’s true. You feel like they are so vulnerable and you have to be there for them. Be their rock through their ups and downs. Or else they’ll commit suicide. She admitted to 4 different occasions when she cheated on her husband when they had been married for 2 years. It devastated him, but he forgave her because he thought if he left, she’d commit suicide. He didn’t know about any of the other occasions until my ex-husband fessed up, and then all her deeds poured out from her like she’d been waiting for someone to open the valve. It’s sick. She couldn’t even remember it all. She’d put the kids in daycare once a week, then drive to another town, sleep with a guy at a car dealership, then come home and make her husband dinner. With her next husband, he’d go to work and she’d have guys come over while he was gone! This last husband, she was sleeping with guys while she was dating him. But she still managed to reel him back in. He was even willing to testify against her for us, but when she found out, she turned on the charm, and off they went.
She told a friend once that she liked to make her husband cry (my now-husband) because it meant he cared about her. How sick is that???
mrniceguy good post thanks I would like to add something I read on another thread here. Optical illusions; autostereograms and Sociopaths. (this is the purpose of frequent pity-ploys. It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously pity yet suspect deceit. Your mind can only do one or the other) I guess they (P’s) know this and use it to their advantage.
karisee05: It seems as you fell for the sympathy ploy. That happened to me too. I actually dumped her but she cried her crocodile tears and being a nice guy I couldn’t stand seeing her like that so I fell for it. And then all the twisting and turning began, leaving me feeling drained. I felt as if my self-identity was wiped out.
I think that counseling is a good idea, but the most important part is finding yourself again. One of sociopaths’ hidden agenda is to make you lose faith in yourself and in other people. They do stuff that can’t be rationalized nor explained. They seem to hurt people just for the fun of it. Some authors call it “existential vengeance”.
Sociopaths are known to blame others for their bad behavior and the sad part is that the normal person will often believe they are at fault. They have a stunning capability to rationalize their bad behavior.
A hallmark of good people is that they constantly question themselves. People with integrity, high moral and sympathy easily fall victim because we think everybody else has the same ethics.
You mention that she’s sharp. This is actually described in Proverbs 5 and 7, a text that’s 4000 years old.
The Stockholm syndrome is an interesting one. Do a Google search on it, it is an interesting phenomena.
Regarding your last comment that she liked to get him to cry. I think it’s a part of the pity play. Sociopaths love getting pity.
It reminds me of one of the first things that the female sociopath said to me. She said “Well, there is one good thing about our mutual friend dying, and that is us making contact”.
I remember that “what??” feeling but didn’t react further to it because she said it like it was the most natural thing in the world. Now I cannot understand why I didn’t run away as far as possible. But that is the way it is when you get those glasses on. The sociopath’s glasses.
In the end, if you rationalize enough with a sociopath, if you get into a power struggle, you will lose faith in your own sense of reality, thinking that there is something wrong with YOU. In fact this is a manipulation technique they use; giving you a feeling of guilt for daring to question them and their motives.
Henry; thanks for your comment. I agree, they use our own humanness to have us filter out what’s really going on.
mrniceguy – thanks for spelling out how I feel – I have so much guilt for the relationship not working. I lost my identity – I was wiped out – I just could not go on hurting or hurting him – it became a power struggle and I DID lose my own sense of reality – I was convinced I was crazy. My home and my person still bare the scars of his raging and yet I was trying so hard to do the right thing – I continued to give him the benifit of the doubt – because I fell for his pity plays – his attempt at suicide to convince me he cared. His words were the exact opposite of his action’s. Intellectually I know he was a sociopath with borderline personality disorder. Knowing I still cared about him I had to make him leave. Was the most confusing and agonizing thing I ever did. At the time I did not know any thing about personality disordered people – I just knew I was going to die if I continued to love him. thanks again for your recent post –