My name is Jonathan L. Spear. I serve in the United States Marine Corps. All my life I have considered myself a strong minded person who is kind hearted and loving of the world. I help all I can, I give strangers rides, I take in my friends who have fallen on bad times and help them get back on their feet and am willing to die for those I love and even people I don’t know. I am currently stationed near Baghdad, Iraq and well we don’t have a whole lot to do out here so I was watching a movie and there was this girl in it who said she has been called a sociopath by doctors but before they said that I had noticed that this girl had acted a lot like one of my ex’s. So I decided to do some research on the topic I went online and Googled it and came across this site and one other. Well I read the other one first and it gave a break down of what a sociopath was and it fit her to a glove. Then I came to this one and got more information on it and decided to share my escapade with a sociopath. My story is this:
Well my ex’s name is”¦ (well I’ll leave that part out), and she had dated some of my friends before, and I had seen her at parties and thought she was a extremely attractive girl (who did some low scale modeling in her time). I had heard about her and how she was an evil girl and that all of my friends had horrible times dealing with her and her baggage. Well I was out one day and ran into her and she recognized me from the parties and started talking to me. Well me being a young male who wasn’t in a relationship at the time, saw a chance to get a really hot girlfriend so I jumped at the chance, ignoring what my friends had told me about her, and giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Everything started out fine, she tore down my walls and she gained my trust and my love, which is really hard to do, and I just let the little things slide, like always needing some money for gas and or something like that, and the fact that she was always throwing herself at me made things really easy to accept. Then she cheated on me the first time. It absolutely devastated me, tore me into a thousand pieces, but somehow she talked her way out of me being angry and I gave her another chance. It just seemed like she cared so much and she cried like I’ve never seen before. Well a little while after that I started having my doubts about her cause she started acting weird and well I felt like she was always using me for something be it money, a place to stay, a warm body to play with, a way to get into parties, and for a social life in general cause well she didn’t seem to have any real friends other then me. So I told her that I was unhappy and she talked her way out of it making me forget about it and into the bedroom, well she said she had started birth control the week earlier (thinking back on it I never ever saw her take it even when I was with her every waking moment), so we hadn’t been using protection. About another 2 week goes by and I decide to break up with her, well I sit her down and start talking about what we were doing together and that I thought she had some problems and that I couldn’t take it any longer”¦ then she trumps me with “baby I’ve been acting weird cause I’m pregnant” and I knew that she had used this line on one of my other friends before so I didn’t believe her, well she showed me the test and I told her to take another one. She had another one with her because she said she knew I wouldn’t trust her. She took it and it was positive. So I said alright we were going to stay together and fix things between us and make our relationship work until we figured out what we were going to do. Well I did a lot of soul searching and I knew I wasn’t ready for the baby and didn’t want it. I told her, and that it was her choice on what she did and that no matter what it was I would do the right thing like a real man should. She decided that she was too young and well”¦ it still hurts to think about but she had an abortion about 2-3 weeks later.
We stayed together and I thought I fell in love with her or maybe I really did who knows, and I was bound and determined to not let things fall apart between us. But as soon as I said that to her she cheated on me again”¦ she cried said she loved me and I forgave her again. Then she did it again, and again. It seemed like if she wasn’t standing right next to me she didn’t care a damn bit about me, but when she was there her love seemed so real and she seemed so crazy about me that I would believe her every time. I realized then that she had a problem and I was damned sure I was going to figure out a way to fix her. I tried everything I could think of but nothing worked and I wasn’t willing to give her a list of do’s and don’ts (such as, you cant see him, hang out with her, or go anywhere without me) like most men would cause I hate that and am not that type of man, but nothing worked. Being a Marine I have a lot of determination and an “I will do attitude” so I couldn’t give up on her. Well I got word that my unit was leaving to go to Iraq and that I might be going. So she being my girlfriend was the first to know. She started crying and said she would miss me and didn’t want me to go and (it didn’t strike me as odd then) where was she going to stay etc”¦ well I later found out the list of people who was going and I wasn’t on it so I told her. She was happy. I was happy.
Then she cheated again”¦ I wasn’t willing to give up still but I slipped into a deep depression. All the misery she had been causing me finally caught up to me. Everyone that knew me noticed. The relationship I had with her ruined some friendships and began jeopardizing all of the rest, because they all knew what she was doing to me and didn’t understand that I was addicted to her and stuck in a cycle. Nothing they could do would cheer me up or get me to break away from loving her, until my roommate knocked some sense into me. She (roommate is female) made me realize that I was in fact stuck in the same cycle and needed to find a way to break away from it”¦ So I went to my unit and volunteered to go to Iraq as soon as I could because I knew she would just keep reeling me in if I didn’t just drop her from my life. As it turns out one of the guys on the list of people to deploy got into a little trouble and was taken off the list that day so they needed a replacement and they were leaving in 2 weeks to start predeployment training in VA. I went home and lied to her (my ex) and said I was told to go. So I spent the 2 weeks with her and she got me loving her again before when I left. The training was about a month long and when it was done I could go home for 5 days before we left for Iraq.
Well when I got home one of my buddies told me that she cheated on me again. Well I knew he wasn’t lying so I snapped and had to figure out what I was doing. So I went to see my “little sister” (I call her that because we she has been my best friend since my sophomore year in high school) and I told her that it happened again and she got really angry with me for putting up with it for so long and that she couldn’t stand seeing me do this to myself anymore, and in the argument we had she told me that she loved me and has been in love with me since high school. I stormed out cause I didn’t know what to do and I was so confused at that point I couldn’t think so I went home and downed a bottle of whiskey trying to chase it all away. I was the only one home and then guess who came up to my door not knowing I knew yet, that’s right my sweet little sociopath, well I was very drunk and very angry so I started yelling and screaming at her smashing anything I could grab against the floor. But nothing I could do at that point could show how angry at the world I was, girlfriend who I loved constantly cheating, best friend who just admitted to being in loving me for like 5 years, and leaving in 3 days to help fight a war, it’s a lot to have on your mind. Then I just stopped I calmed down and told her it was over and that maybe in the future her and I could be something but she had a lot to learn and had to fix herself first. She threw herself at me and we had sex (I shouldn’t have done it but I did) and when we were done she tried to get back together with me but I held my ground and said no”¦ she threw herself at me again and then afterwards she tried again. I let it happen one more time and then kicked her out for good.
Now I sit here in Iraq finally understanding what caused her to do those things to me realizing it wasn’t my fault and that there’s nothing I can or could do to save her from herself. I now know that to fully heal from the things she did to me I have to never let her in my life again and cut all contact from her and warn my friends about her. This was an awful experience and has scarred me deeply and I hope no one ever has to go through what I did. I hope I can recover and trust again fully because now I know I have a very great girl waiting for me at home. Thinking about it now I would go through all that pain again just for the chance to say I love you to my “little sister” in a whole new way.
That’s the end of my story. I hope that it can do some guy out there some good, knowing that if it can happen to a Marine it can happen to them and to be careful in those you love because the venomous sting of a sociopath can be very painful. So in conclusion please don’t ignore this letter. Let me protect the people in my country in more ways then one. Let me fight the battle and take the wounds whether it be from a bullet or from a fork-tongued female, so that you the people of America don’t have to.
OMG Jonathan & Mr. Niceguy. The books I’ve read on sociopaths so far indicate statistics indicate 4% of people out there are sociopaths and out of the 4%, 1% are females. It’s against the odds you’ll get involved with another…especially after the last bout.
I’ll tip toe out there through the sociopathic mine field next time …when I’m ready to date again that is. Hey, aren’t there canines that are used in the army to sniff out landmines or bombs? I wonder if I can train my dog to sniff out sociopaths.
Jonathan,
I read through your post and can’t count the number of times your ex cheated on you. Can you tell me how long you were with her?
Dear Jonathan,
Thanks for your sacrifices for our country, and thanks for sharing you story so vividly. It takes a heck of a man to admit he has been “had” as badly as you have been.
Continue to read and blog here and to learn more about psychpaths, that will help you heal, and don’t rush yourself, it takes TIME.
Mrniceguy, thank youk, too, for blogging here and sharing. I know the guys here may seem to think ksometimes that we are a “man bashing” bunch of biddies–and sometimes we talk like we are, but it is just I think the fact that 3 out of 4 psychopaths are men, but that doesn’t mean there are not plenty of other disordered personalities out there that are female. In our culture it is difficult for me to be “brave” enough to stand up and admit to themselves much less others how badly they have been hurt by a disordered peronality.
Glad to have you guys here, you will be good support for the other guys here and have a special support for them.
Learn the “red flags” of dishonesty that these people wave, usually early on in the relationship, that will help you avoid another dysfunctional attachment before you get too far hooked in.
You know Jonathan, everyone thinks its just vicious women that do men under … instead of people realzing anti-socials come in all shapes, sizes, sexes, natiionalities.
Personally, I detest when guys say to me … “what do you think, we’ve men having been dealing with user woman all these years … now it’s your turn”. Hey, I’ve been dumped on by others all through my life … and it is not a female thing going on out there … anti-socials are anti-socials PERIOD.
Thank you for putting your life on the line for us back on the home turf. We are all proud of every single one of you fighting this fight.
Peace.
Well i was with this girl for a about a year, a very long one at that and honestly i dont know the number of times she cheated on me. The worst part about it was most of them were my friends. I’m still good buddies with most of them because I try to be very forgiving, but i guess that makes me a better target for her type. I forgave most of my friends because I realized how good she was at getting what she wanted so I was able to rationalize with them when they apologized. I dont think I will ever forget how much my friend Sean cried about it… and everytime i caught her she still wouldn’t admit it for like an hour. Sometimes it would take getting everyone that was with her to come over and tell me in front of her cause she would say I was taking what they told me out of proportion.
I will always remeber her eyes though cause you are correct in saying that all you see in them are evil… which is one of the reasons she was able to hook me, I’ve always been a darker soul enjoying the odder things in life such as piercings and tattoos, and the evil and darkness i saw in her eyes intrigued me… not a mistake I will make again.
Stockholm syndrome… I never even thought of it like that. I can’t fathom that she was able to con me like that, and it angers me that she did.
I did go to the abortion with her. she didnt want me to at first but i refused to let her do it by herself cause i thought it would be a very traumatic event for her, but i thought it was odd when she was makeing jokes in the waiting room, i figured it was just her way of dealing with stress, but i realize now that she just didn’t care. She always used it against me in arguements to, saying she did it for me and that she didn’t want to keep arguing cause she was under stress from “losing the baby” as she called it. She blamed everything on me the baby, the cheating, saying it was cause I did’t treat her good enough when i treated her like a queen or because i didn’t pay enough attention to her when we were always together. The only times we were apart were when i was at work or when I was with my boys even when i was with them she tagged along most of the time.
I thought i was futher in healing then I really am… The fact that I get so angry at the things she did prove that but I’m glad I have a place to talk about it now. I mean the Marine Corp. isn’t the most talk about how sad you are kinda organization.
[quote from Mr. Nice guy]These people learn early in childhood that they are different from others, and they learn early on to spot others in a crowd who are similar to them. Pretty scary huh? They learn early on that they can use normal people’s emotions against them, and do much emotional and psychological damage with ease. They have often been referred to as supreme natural psychologists with regards to reading other people. They sort of have a 6th sense when it comes to sizing up people.[end quote]
Of all the things I have read on this site, this one gives me chills.
I also read this original article with great interest. First, it’s really good to see that there are men in the military who are genuinely good people. My P was in the army, and it has made me shy away from military people.
Second, although I didn’t stay with my ex long enough to observe the constant cheating, I can see that the behavior patterns are the same. While he was with me, he poured out his heart in a big display of love and affection. He would make promises and would tell me he would never hurt me. Then he would turn around THE NEXT DAY and break those promises. Occasionally, I start to wonder if my ex was really a sociopath. But all I have to do is read these stories to see that they all do the same things. Break their word at the bat of an eye. Lie as easily as breathing. I can certainly understand why Jonathan kept going back. The spell they cast is very powerful.
Marine: You sound like a truly great man with so many good qualities. I’m so sorry the sociopath used all of your good qualities against you. Thank God you got out before she destroyed you. These stories are just such tragedies. It amazes me how these people (I use the word loosely) can cause so much destruction in the lives of others. My relationship with the bonafide sociopath only lasted 2-1/2 months before I got out. I was combination of a semi-discard by him and also my starting to connect the dots about his marriage that he lied about. I found out afterward that he and his wife are trying to defraud the military out of a phony medical discharge. It was actually the sworn statements by me and my friends that is being used as evidence against him by the army.
BTW, to those following the story, I faxed in the statements a week and a half ago, and they were received. I have not heard anything else from the army. I have no idea whether they will punish him or not. I kind of don’t want to know.
Marine:
“i thought it was odd when she was makeing jokes in the waiting room, i figured it was just her way of dealing with stress, but i realize now that she just didn’t care.”
This reminds me of a similar quote from Dr. Robert Hare’s book “Without Conscience”:
” “I can always have another,” one female psychopath coldly replied when questioned about an incident in which her two-year-old daughter was beaten to death by one of her many lovers. When asked why she would want to have another child, (two had been taken into protective custody), she said “I love children.” Again we see that the expressed emotion is in contradiction to the behavior.”
I think you made a wise move in distancing yourself from her.
It is very difficult to unhook. In the end, she dumped me and I was desperate to get her back. In doing so, she sucked out the last portion of emotional energy I had left. But now I am very glad of course that I didn’t get a Volvo and kids with her.
Dear Marine,
Healing takes time and you are right the Marines isn’t the place to share a lot of this, but one of the things you may not know is, most of us dont have “understanding” friends. They ust “don’t get it” why we can’t just “Let go and Move on”
The anger you are feeling is very natural and normal after an injury of this nature and extent.
Google “grief process” and learn about the stages you will be going through, anger is only one of several and they will flip and flop from one to the other, maybe hourly for a while, in a “random” order.
Be extra nice to yourself and “give yourself a break”–read and learn more about the grief process and also about psychopaths and the “healing road.”
Good luck to you! And God bless.
Marine-
Quote- “She always used it against me in arguements to, saying she did it for me and that she didn’t want to keep arguing cause she was under stress from “losing the baby” as she called it. She blamed everything on me the baby, the cheating, saying it was cause I did’t treat her good enough when i treated her like a queen or because i didn’t pay enough attention to her when we were always together.”
That is textbook of my hubby’s ex-s. She would say she cheated on him because he didn’t show her affection (he didn’t show affection out of self-preservation). She has thrown the kids in his face more times than I can count (“I had those kids for you” “I stayed at home while you worked, and now I have nothing. You left me with nothing.”) Everything is his fault. Or somebody’s fault. If she does something, and gets caught, the repercussions are always somebody else’s fault. She would obsess and flip out about anything. Sometimes keeping him up all night obsessing. She would grab attention by sitting and flipping her foot wildly to show she was upset. Everybody would then walk on eggshells and cater to her needs. When he left her, he allowed her to stay in the house for 6 weeks while he stayed an hour away and commuted daily from his sister’s house. This was to allow her to find a job. Instead, she slept with men in the house and found no job. That way when he finally did kick her out, he ‘left her with nothing.’ He allowed her to drive the van for 3 months until she could get her own car, while he made the payment. She trashed it and left it in disrepair. She switched the gas over to her new apartment so she didn’t have to pay a deposit, and his gas was shut off. She didn’t even warn him. He had to pay a deposit. Then he got his own checking account. She went to the bank and claimed to be his wife and took out all the money, $700. He went to the bank and got them in trouble because she was not on the account. She had to return the money. He paid all her therapy appointments and medicines for a couple months and left $100 on the counter every time he stopped by to check the mail during the separation. But he left her with nothing. See the pattern??? He paid all the daycare for the children while she jumped from job to job and switched daycares monthly. She’s moved more times than I can count, once being an hour away, where he’d have to drive there to exchange the kids. I could go on and on. Just another commality amongst female S’s. Be glad you don’t have kids with her!