My name is Jonathan L. Spear. I serve in the United States Marine Corps. All my life I have considered myself a strong minded person who is kind hearted and loving of the world. I help all I can, I give strangers rides, I take in my friends who have fallen on bad times and help them get back on their feet and am willing to die for those I love and even people I don’t know. I am currently stationed near Baghdad, Iraq and well we don’t have a whole lot to do out here so I was watching a movie and there was this girl in it who said she has been called a sociopath by doctors but before they said that I had noticed that this girl had acted a lot like one of my ex’s. So I decided to do some research on the topic I went online and Googled it and came across this site and one other. Well I read the other one first and it gave a break down of what a sociopath was and it fit her to a glove. Then I came to this one and got more information on it and decided to share my escapade with a sociopath. My story is this:
Well my ex’s name is”¦ (well I’ll leave that part out), and she had dated some of my friends before, and I had seen her at parties and thought she was a extremely attractive girl (who did some low scale modeling in her time). I had heard about her and how she was an evil girl and that all of my friends had horrible times dealing with her and her baggage. Well I was out one day and ran into her and she recognized me from the parties and started talking to me. Well me being a young male who wasn’t in a relationship at the time, saw a chance to get a really hot girlfriend so I jumped at the chance, ignoring what my friends had told me about her, and giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Everything started out fine, she tore down my walls and she gained my trust and my love, which is really hard to do, and I just let the little things slide, like always needing some money for gas and or something like that, and the fact that she was always throwing herself at me made things really easy to accept. Then she cheated on me the first time. It absolutely devastated me, tore me into a thousand pieces, but somehow she talked her way out of me being angry and I gave her another chance. It just seemed like she cared so much and she cried like I’ve never seen before. Well a little while after that I started having my doubts about her cause she started acting weird and well I felt like she was always using me for something be it money, a place to stay, a warm body to play with, a way to get into parties, and for a social life in general cause well she didn’t seem to have any real friends other then me. So I told her that I was unhappy and she talked her way out of it making me forget about it and into the bedroom, well she said she had started birth control the week earlier (thinking back on it I never ever saw her take it even when I was with her every waking moment), so we hadn’t been using protection. About another 2 week goes by and I decide to break up with her, well I sit her down and start talking about what we were doing together and that I thought she had some problems and that I couldn’t take it any longer”¦ then she trumps me with “baby I’ve been acting weird cause I’m pregnant” and I knew that she had used this line on one of my other friends before so I didn’t believe her, well she showed me the test and I told her to take another one. She had another one with her because she said she knew I wouldn’t trust her. She took it and it was positive. So I said alright we were going to stay together and fix things between us and make our relationship work until we figured out what we were going to do. Well I did a lot of soul searching and I knew I wasn’t ready for the baby and didn’t want it. I told her, and that it was her choice on what she did and that no matter what it was I would do the right thing like a real man should. She decided that she was too young and well”¦ it still hurts to think about but she had an abortion about 2-3 weeks later.
We stayed together and I thought I fell in love with her or maybe I really did who knows, and I was bound and determined to not let things fall apart between us. But as soon as I said that to her she cheated on me again”¦ she cried said she loved me and I forgave her again. Then she did it again, and again. It seemed like if she wasn’t standing right next to me she didn’t care a damn bit about me, but when she was there her love seemed so real and she seemed so crazy about me that I would believe her every time. I realized then that she had a problem and I was damned sure I was going to figure out a way to fix her. I tried everything I could think of but nothing worked and I wasn’t willing to give her a list of do’s and don’ts (such as, you cant see him, hang out with her, or go anywhere without me) like most men would cause I hate that and am not that type of man, but nothing worked. Being a Marine I have a lot of determination and an “I will do attitude” so I couldn’t give up on her. Well I got word that my unit was leaving to go to Iraq and that I might be going. So she being my girlfriend was the first to know. She started crying and said she would miss me and didn’t want me to go and (it didn’t strike me as odd then) where was she going to stay etc”¦ well I later found out the list of people who was going and I wasn’t on it so I told her. She was happy. I was happy.
Then she cheated again”¦ I wasn’t willing to give up still but I slipped into a deep depression. All the misery she had been causing me finally caught up to me. Everyone that knew me noticed. The relationship I had with her ruined some friendships and began jeopardizing all of the rest, because they all knew what she was doing to me and didn’t understand that I was addicted to her and stuck in a cycle. Nothing they could do would cheer me up or get me to break away from loving her, until my roommate knocked some sense into me. She (roommate is female) made me realize that I was in fact stuck in the same cycle and needed to find a way to break away from it”¦ So I went to my unit and volunteered to go to Iraq as soon as I could because I knew she would just keep reeling me in if I didn’t just drop her from my life. As it turns out one of the guys on the list of people to deploy got into a little trouble and was taken off the list that day so they needed a replacement and they were leaving in 2 weeks to start predeployment training in VA. I went home and lied to her (my ex) and said I was told to go. So I spent the 2 weeks with her and she got me loving her again before when I left. The training was about a month long and when it was done I could go home for 5 days before we left for Iraq.
Well when I got home one of my buddies told me that she cheated on me again. Well I knew he wasn’t lying so I snapped and had to figure out what I was doing. So I went to see my “little sister” (I call her that because we she has been my best friend since my sophomore year in high school) and I told her that it happened again and she got really angry with me for putting up with it for so long and that she couldn’t stand seeing me do this to myself anymore, and in the argument we had she told me that she loved me and has been in love with me since high school. I stormed out cause I didn’t know what to do and I was so confused at that point I couldn’t think so I went home and downed a bottle of whiskey trying to chase it all away. I was the only one home and then guess who came up to my door not knowing I knew yet, that’s right my sweet little sociopath, well I was very drunk and very angry so I started yelling and screaming at her smashing anything I could grab against the floor. But nothing I could do at that point could show how angry at the world I was, girlfriend who I loved constantly cheating, best friend who just admitted to being in loving me for like 5 years, and leaving in 3 days to help fight a war, it’s a lot to have on your mind. Then I just stopped I calmed down and told her it was over and that maybe in the future her and I could be something but she had a lot to learn and had to fix herself first. She threw herself at me and we had sex (I shouldn’t have done it but I did) and when we were done she tried to get back together with me but I held my ground and said no”¦ she threw herself at me again and then afterwards she tried again. I let it happen one more time and then kicked her out for good.
Now I sit here in Iraq finally understanding what caused her to do those things to me realizing it wasn’t my fault and that there’s nothing I can or could do to save her from herself. I now know that to fully heal from the things she did to me I have to never let her in my life again and cut all contact from her and warn my friends about her. This was an awful experience and has scarred me deeply and I hope no one ever has to go through what I did. I hope I can recover and trust again fully because now I know I have a very great girl waiting for me at home. Thinking about it now I would go through all that pain again just for the chance to say I love you to my “little sister” in a whole new way.
That’s the end of my story. I hope that it can do some guy out there some good, knowing that if it can happen to a Marine it can happen to them and to be careful in those you love because the venomous sting of a sociopath can be very painful. So in conclusion please don’t ignore this letter. Let me protect the people in my country in more ways then one. Let me fight the battle and take the wounds whether it be from a bullet or from a fork-tongued female, so that you the people of America don’t have to.
Jonathan,
I can only say that time does help to heal. Please continue to let us know how you are doing.
Jonathan L. Spear
Thanks for sharing your story and yes I believe it will help others who have or had this type of dysfunctional relationships. Being a Vet as well understand the need to protect our rights as people of this great country. Which is why I “joined” up with LF. It is great to be with “comrades” who understand and share our pain and help with our healing… Thanks again!
Jonathan: TIME DOES HEAL ALL WOUNDS …
and TIME DOES WOUND ALL HEALS!
Peace.
Thank you for sharing you unfortunate experience. It’s useful for society and its education to hear male voices on this matter. I once read in Esquire an article on the Ten Worst Heartbreakers (or something like that) that the author had heard of. They were almost all sociopathic but the article didn’t mention the word.
You email brought the following points to my mind:
1. S’s are simply geniuses at making people feel sorry for them. They know exactly what they are doing and laugh at our stupidity.
2. Both sexes often appear attractively wild, crazy and fun loving. It takes a while to realize they’re actually wild, actually crazy and fun is the only thing they love.
3. Third parties often don’t recognize s misbehavior towards a partner even if they witness it. Third parties seem to assume it’s “payback” for something they don’t know about or they think there must be two sides to every story (which is usually the case).
4. One often sees here at LF, the phrase, “it’s nothing personal.” To understand the S approach to sex recall childhood sex games. There’s no “soul involvement” and no emotional intimacy. That’s their experience, with orgasms thrown in. Thus they are bored to death. The sex isn’t personal and neither is the cheating.
5. An romantic disaster with an S actually is a nightmare one can wake up from. Once one realizes, at a very deep level – with the emotions as well as the mind, that with an s “there is no there there”, that there is no human heart beating in that chest. There shouldn’t be any residual “why did I do this or that?” “why did he/she do this or that?” If the betrayed partner never reaches that point perhaps the betrayer wasn’t really an s (though they might fit the check list) or something deeper is going on (like the betrayed is a child of an S and thus on an eternal quest for the impossible).
6. I absolutely believe that all young adults of age to seek serious romance should know of this possibility. I had a friend in a marriage with an s, unfortunately it took her several years to understand the situation and get out. Discussions like this are very helpful. We all need to know of the possibility and recognize it without wasting years of our lives.
Thanks again for your letter.
I’d never heard the word sociopath before, I read about it with interest. I thought that maybe my fiance was/is one but the more I read the more I feel that he has got some traits, but I think I may too.
I’m questioning myself and reading the marines story. I’ve cried when my man wanted to leave me and he’s stayed. I cheated on my man in the 1st 3 weeks of meeting him. he has held it against me. But you see at the time he was still married I didn’t know for sure at the time as he told me he was separated. but as he went home at week ends I figured it out. thats not why I did it. He hadnt called or returned my calls either, that weekend. and hadn’t arranged another date so i though i wouldn’t see him again so I met this other guy . It was the 1st and ever time I had a one night stand… for the record I’d never do it again. whether I’m in a relationship or single.. Any way because of the mistrust I used to ring him alot and text him alot in the beginning of outr relationship the first 2 yrs in fact. Many times he didn’t answer his phone and wouldn’t tell me were he’d been or would say he was asleep. I felt he was liyin to me so I’d ring his hotel and they’d say he’d gone out or wasn’t answering his phone. It really hurt me that he felt he couldn’t be honest with me. Then we got skype but he’d say it wasn’t working and he couldn’t get the Internet in his room,So once I pretended to be a young woman, he told this young woman not knowing it was me that it would be sad if he had a wife or girlfriend at home.. He did… I eventually told him and he said he’d guessed it was me.. I still can’t beleived that I went to those lenght s to catch him out, did and am still with him. He says the problem is he loves me. he is still working away. We have only phyiscally been together 20 days this year. 2 of them were when he came to me.
Am I the sociopath, trying to make this relationship work, I’m not sure how he intends to live with me as he won’t live in my country so I will have to leave my house, my job my friends and family to move to his country and he says he will still have to work away from time to time but not for as long. He may not stay in the house he is presently buying, Also he doesn’t want me to move in straight away as he needs to get more things for the house, we’ll visit each other and see how it goes.. He’s plans. we are engaged for a yr but he says we’ll get married someday but not soon..now .We have been in a relationship nearly 5 yrs… mostly long distance, which I have gone to great expense on plane fair and phone calls to keep going. I’m not sure if I’m a sociopath. I don’t want to be but Am I?
Oh just to say he did leave his wife after meeting me, She asked him to leave when she found out about me. He lost everything and thats why I asked him to live with me , but he only stayed till he got a job abroad then he packed all his stuff and left while I was in work.He said his marriage had been over a long time as she neglected him and he was very lonely. I forgot to say that, he is divorced 2 yrs now.
Marine
* YOU ROCK *
I just read , I’m Thinkin ,This guy is the stud , Then in mabye the shortest distance my tears where welling! “Out of the Mouths of babes” I know You are the stud ! but a Stud with a heart ! Thanks for your candor and Grace ! I will be praying for your Happy Return HOME
Love Jere
I wonder
The IT detection Canine 🙂
Donna ***** Look right here *****
My name is Jere APPROVED !
No for real ! For true !
MY cat knew ! MEOW ! CJ was scared to death of IT !
IT told me It had never done anything to CJ *LIE*
Love jere
Laurna, IMO, you are just confused and letting the guy play you with the guilt card. First, the issue of your “cheating” on the guy. Look at this logically: You had known him THREE WEEKS, he was married (although separated, so he said, although that turned out not to be true. MAJOR LIE and RED FLAG). But even if it HAD been true, you still had known him only three weeks, he wasn’t returning your phone calls, nor had he made any indication of a future date. You were NOT in any sort of committed relationship at that point–the guy was MARRIED, so IMO you were NOT cheating, you were DATING others (like he was obviously doing, but the difference is YOU had the RIGHT to be dating others, where he did not). You say he has held it against you. I suggest you hold it against HIM that he was married and lying about it while seeing you. (I mean that as in DUMP HIM NOW!) Stop beating yourself up over “cheating” on a guy you barely knew, who was ignoring your calls, and who was still MARRIED and not even separated at the time.
Your guy may be a socio, may be just a player who is stringing you along, but he obviously lies to you, obviously is not committed to a relationship with you, and YOU are doing all the WORK to keep this relationship going. You are not even in the same country, and IF you give up your country, job, family, friends, etc. to move where he is, the best he can say is NO to marriage, NO to your living with him, and “we’ll visit each other and see how it goes”.
Look hard at all you would be giving up for a man who has cheated on his wife with you, is a liar, dodges your phone calls and lies about what he is doing and where he is (my guess would be he is out on other dates during this time), and is perfectly happy to let YOU spend YOUR money to fly to see him. IMO moving to his country on a “we’ll see how it goes promise” would be one of the worse mistakes you ever make. He has a super duper set up now—he can see you when you spend a wad of cash to fly to see him, the rest of the time he is single and out playing. If you moved in with him, that would definitely cramp his style, so even if you go to the trouble of moving near him, he still wants his SPACE to do his “game”. He’s more or less telling you that. LISTEN. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but sometimes ya just need a harsh dose of reality. DUMP THIS GUY NOW would be my advice. And keep reading this site and posting. BTW, I also do not think you are a sociopath, but your man is at a minimum a lousy jerk who wants to keep you in a “backburner” type relationship for his convenience.
Thanks Jen
Your not the Soc/PSY cause if you where you would’nt care!
Love Jere