My name is Jonathan L. Spear. I serve in the United States Marine Corps. All my life I have considered myself a strong minded person who is kind hearted and loving of the world. I help all I can, I give strangers rides, I take in my friends who have fallen on bad times and help them get back on their feet and am willing to die for those I love and even people I don’t know. I am currently stationed near Baghdad, Iraq and well we don’t have a whole lot to do out here so I was watching a movie and there was this girl in it who said she has been called a sociopath by doctors but before they said that I had noticed that this girl had acted a lot like one of my ex’s. So I decided to do some research on the topic I went online and Googled it and came across this site and one other. Well I read the other one first and it gave a break down of what a sociopath was and it fit her to a glove. Then I came to this one and got more information on it and decided to share my escapade with a sociopath. My story is this:
Well my ex’s name is”¦ (well I’ll leave that part out), and she had dated some of my friends before, and I had seen her at parties and thought she was a extremely attractive girl (who did some low scale modeling in her time). I had heard about her and how she was an evil girl and that all of my friends had horrible times dealing with her and her baggage. Well I was out one day and ran into her and she recognized me from the parties and started talking to me. Well me being a young male who wasn’t in a relationship at the time, saw a chance to get a really hot girlfriend so I jumped at the chance, ignoring what my friends had told me about her, and giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Everything started out fine, she tore down my walls and she gained my trust and my love, which is really hard to do, and I just let the little things slide, like always needing some money for gas and or something like that, and the fact that she was always throwing herself at me made things really easy to accept. Then she cheated on me the first time. It absolutely devastated me, tore me into a thousand pieces, but somehow she talked her way out of me being angry and I gave her another chance. It just seemed like she cared so much and she cried like I’ve never seen before. Well a little while after that I started having my doubts about her cause she started acting weird and well I felt like she was always using me for something be it money, a place to stay, a warm body to play with, a way to get into parties, and for a social life in general cause well she didn’t seem to have any real friends other then me. So I told her that I was unhappy and she talked her way out of it making me forget about it and into the bedroom, well she said she had started birth control the week earlier (thinking back on it I never ever saw her take it even when I was with her every waking moment), so we hadn’t been using protection. About another 2 week goes by and I decide to break up with her, well I sit her down and start talking about what we were doing together and that I thought she had some problems and that I couldn’t take it any longer”¦ then she trumps me with “baby I’ve been acting weird cause I’m pregnant” and I knew that she had used this line on one of my other friends before so I didn’t believe her, well she showed me the test and I told her to take another one. She had another one with her because she said she knew I wouldn’t trust her. She took it and it was positive. So I said alright we were going to stay together and fix things between us and make our relationship work until we figured out what we were going to do. Well I did a lot of soul searching and I knew I wasn’t ready for the baby and didn’t want it. I told her, and that it was her choice on what she did and that no matter what it was I would do the right thing like a real man should. She decided that she was too young and well”¦ it still hurts to think about but she had an abortion about 2-3 weeks later.
We stayed together and I thought I fell in love with her or maybe I really did who knows, and I was bound and determined to not let things fall apart between us. But as soon as I said that to her she cheated on me again”¦ she cried said she loved me and I forgave her again. Then she did it again, and again. It seemed like if she wasn’t standing right next to me she didn’t care a damn bit about me, but when she was there her love seemed so real and she seemed so crazy about me that I would believe her every time. I realized then that she had a problem and I was damned sure I was going to figure out a way to fix her. I tried everything I could think of but nothing worked and I wasn’t willing to give her a list of do’s and don’ts (such as, you cant see him, hang out with her, or go anywhere without me) like most men would cause I hate that and am not that type of man, but nothing worked. Being a Marine I have a lot of determination and an “I will do attitude” so I couldn’t give up on her. Well I got word that my unit was leaving to go to Iraq and that I might be going. So she being my girlfriend was the first to know. She started crying and said she would miss me and didn’t want me to go and (it didn’t strike me as odd then) where was she going to stay etc”¦ well I later found out the list of people who was going and I wasn’t on it so I told her. She was happy. I was happy.
Then she cheated again”¦ I wasn’t willing to give up still but I slipped into a deep depression. All the misery she had been causing me finally caught up to me. Everyone that knew me noticed. The relationship I had with her ruined some friendships and began jeopardizing all of the rest, because they all knew what she was doing to me and didn’t understand that I was addicted to her and stuck in a cycle. Nothing they could do would cheer me up or get me to break away from loving her, until my roommate knocked some sense into me. She (roommate is female) made me realize that I was in fact stuck in the same cycle and needed to find a way to break away from it”¦ So I went to my unit and volunteered to go to Iraq as soon as I could because I knew she would just keep reeling me in if I didn’t just drop her from my life. As it turns out one of the guys on the list of people to deploy got into a little trouble and was taken off the list that day so they needed a replacement and they were leaving in 2 weeks to start predeployment training in VA. I went home and lied to her (my ex) and said I was told to go. So I spent the 2 weeks with her and she got me loving her again before when I left. The training was about a month long and when it was done I could go home for 5 days before we left for Iraq.
Well when I got home one of my buddies told me that she cheated on me again. Well I knew he wasn’t lying so I snapped and had to figure out what I was doing. So I went to see my “little sister” (I call her that because we she has been my best friend since my sophomore year in high school) and I told her that it happened again and she got really angry with me for putting up with it for so long and that she couldn’t stand seeing me do this to myself anymore, and in the argument we had she told me that she loved me and has been in love with me since high school. I stormed out cause I didn’t know what to do and I was so confused at that point I couldn’t think so I went home and downed a bottle of whiskey trying to chase it all away. I was the only one home and then guess who came up to my door not knowing I knew yet, that’s right my sweet little sociopath, well I was very drunk and very angry so I started yelling and screaming at her smashing anything I could grab against the floor. But nothing I could do at that point could show how angry at the world I was, girlfriend who I loved constantly cheating, best friend who just admitted to being in loving me for like 5 years, and leaving in 3 days to help fight a war, it’s a lot to have on your mind. Then I just stopped I calmed down and told her it was over and that maybe in the future her and I could be something but she had a lot to learn and had to fix herself first. She threw herself at me and we had sex (I shouldn’t have done it but I did) and when we were done she tried to get back together with me but I held my ground and said no”¦ she threw herself at me again and then afterwards she tried again. I let it happen one more time and then kicked her out for good.
Now I sit here in Iraq finally understanding what caused her to do those things to me realizing it wasn’t my fault and that there’s nothing I can or could do to save her from herself. I now know that to fully heal from the things she did to me I have to never let her in my life again and cut all contact from her and warn my friends about her. This was an awful experience and has scarred me deeply and I hope no one ever has to go through what I did. I hope I can recover and trust again fully because now I know I have a very great girl waiting for me at home. Thinking about it now I would go through all that pain again just for the chance to say I love you to my “little sister” in a whole new way.
That’s the end of my story. I hope that it can do some guy out there some good, knowing that if it can happen to a Marine it can happen to them and to be careful in those you love because the venomous sting of a sociopath can be very painful. So in conclusion please don’t ignore this letter. Let me protect the people in my country in more ways then one. Let me fight the battle and take the wounds whether it be from a bullet or from a fork-tongued female, so that you the people of America don’t have to.
PET scan
detects frontal lobe brian activity or the ability to store information the “quote” normal way
Yes welcome and We are all Here for You
Dear Burned,
There are, as you can read, a lot of guys around here also that have been burned.
Female sociopaths are experts at using sex to make you hooked. (the heroin addiction metaphor).
I also live in a European country, please let us know where you are located. Perhaps we can pinpoint you to some useful resources.
OxDrover: thanks for those thoughts. you hit the nail on the head. It’s excruciatingly difficult to pull yourself together and take care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I feel like I’m still crawling through the wreckage of a flaming 747 crash. I’m in the middle of some type of Post Traumatic Stress nightmare. Now that I’ve finally had some funds released in court, I can afford some therapy. I feel like I’m almost literally crawling out of a flaming plane crash – my mind isn’t sharp – can’t think very clearly – dull senses – just inching along. Did anyone see “Saving Private Ryan” and the horrifying storming of the Normandy beaches scene?
MRNICEGUY: to make it worse, I left Europe to go to this woman’s country, knowing nobody in that country. She did this to me within 9 months of moving my life to her country. When this happened, I was completely without a support group of friends or family – emotionally devastating experience with no friends or family within thousands of miles. I drove my car literally across North America with just enough cash to get to the closest good friend’s house – had to sleep in my car – ate peanut butter, bread and canned tuna fish. Just unimagineable. Guys, I’m a liquid cash millionaire. I have such a deep empathy for the homeless now. Just a life changing perspective on homelessness. If it can happen to me, I PROMISE YOU, it can happen to YOU. This woman is now trying to make a claim on my prenup trust, but I’ve got a good lawyer and am ok now. I’m now in a beautiful waterfront apt living nice again, but I’ve got a huge hole in me, and I’m emotionally shattered – can’t really enjoy anything. Like being in a recovery ward at a hospital – my mind a bit zombie-ish. I’ve come back to her city so I can be a full time dad with my 18 month old daughter – she gives me the only smiles and love I get, but it is fantastic – I was afraid she wouldn’t recognize me very well since I hadn’t seen her in 5 months, but the first meeting she stood there very quiet for about 30 seconds as I started whispering the silly things I used to say to her, then all of a sudden she remembered me and broke into a huge smile and hugged me. That moment was a lifesaver for me. Her hugs and smiles are gold to me. Don’t have any friends in this place. Just trying to regroup and rebuild somehow. I know I need trauma therapy, and that’s high on my list. Thanks for taking an interest guys.
Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is common after a sociopathic experience. I think therapy is a good idea (preferably cognitive behavioral therapy, as this therapy approach has scientific empirical evidence for its effectiveness).
You are right, this can happen to anybody. I have 7 years of higher education and am also a flight instructor. I remember feeling, in a power struggle with the female sociopath, that my rationality was at stake, that everything I had built up at University was at stake. In fact, it got to the point where my degrees didn’t matter anymore. It was like a different person had obtained all that. She manipulated me into believing I was a horrible person, and that she was a victim. That’s Stockholm Syndrome.
What followed was an intense darkness, loss of sleep, resignation, depression, hopelessness and a feeling that I as a person was wiped out. Now I use some medication that has let me sleep again, and also relax more.
I have read some speculation somewhere that there is some actual transfer of energy in a sociopathic exchange. That is, because they lack what we have, they suck us dry so to speak.
In the end, I am confident that you will become stronger because of this. The best solution to obtain healing is of course to adopt to the “no contact” policy, although that is understandably difficult when kids are involved. In any event, I am sure you will find a way past this.
Also, read the mentioned literature, especially The Sociopath Next Door. It’s good therapy and it gives you an understanding that it’s impossible to comprehend the inner landscape of a sociopath, and how they view the world.
Good luck to you Burned. I guess you have some resources that made you a millionaire and I promise you, you will get “it” back with time.
MrNiceGuy: You got it … that’s it in a nutshell … and healing yourself, being good to yourself, remembering your good qualities helps to remember what you are all about as you heal.
Peace to your heart and soul … I hate seeing good people sucked in by the likes of them and getting thrown off balance for years while they build themselves back up again … and it makes me cry, how many never make it up back again and do the total destructive spiral for the rest of their lives, or cut their lives short.
Peace and hugs.
I’m Jere and I approve of this message! :)~
Dear Burned,
I am sure my “story” is buried so deep in the blogs it would be impossible for you to know any of it so I will quickly recap. I am a 61 yr old retired registered nurse practitioner, with quite a bit of mental health professional experience. My husband was burned to death in 2004in an airplane crash here at our farm/airport, I was the one who pulled him out. My son and two other friends were in the plane and terribly burned as well. PTSD is horrible. I was also attacked last year by my P-son and one of his P-friends (my son is still in prison) and his P-friend is also in prison) I had to flee my home to keep from getting murdered.
I finally found some therapy that actually HELPED, it is called RAPID EYE MOVEMENT THERAPY and it is especially for PTSD. Google it and see what you can find, there is quite a bit of stuff out there. I also have a friend who had terrible PTSD and he used the rapid eye movement therapy with great results too. It has made a VAST difference in my recovery.
I know exactly what you mean about “crawling around in the wreck” not knowing if you are dead or alive. Thinking and decision making are totally skewed and I suggest that you keep as much PEACE and SANITY in your life and as LITTLE STRESS as possible. It has been 4 1/2 years of CONTINUAL critical profound stress in my life, one crisis after another until August of last year it started to slow down with the arrest of the Trojan Horse Psychopath my son send into our family.
And only the last 12 months or so have I had TOTAL freedom from association with the psychopaths in my life. I have pretty much holed up here on my farm with one son and we have done our healing with therapy, antidepressants (medication has helped but is not the only answer but without it I couldn’t have survived) I highly suggest that you get evaluated for medications for depression etc.
Try to get your sleep patterns and eating patterns and exercise patterns regulated as much as possible. The lack of sleep will make you “crazy” it itself. Since you are apparently eithe rnot able or required to work at a job, make revcovery your job. I had to retire from work, primarily because I had NO SHORT TERM MEMORY. That is improving but still not where I could work if I wanted to, at a job responsible for people’s lives. I might could work as a Wal Mart greeter, but that would be about the extent of my job capabilities. LOL
So, I have focused on my healing, physically, spiritually, and mentally. Oh, and I got a case of Rocky mountain Spotted fever last summer and got really really ill. The stress causes the immune system to crap out, so be sure to get a flu shot and any necessary precautions for your health. Don’t ignore any physical complaints. I ran fevers for months before I even realized I was doing so. (like I said, your ability to think goes down the toilet)
Hang in there, too, it DOES GET BETTER, but it takes work. The road to recovery is bumpy, filled with pot holes etc.
Also, Google “grief process” and look and read about the steps and the way “grief” is processed in the human mind. That will give you some ideas of what to expect.
Going through this kind of trauma and grief without knowing what to expect, is like going into labor with a baby and not knowing what is coming or how to expect the pain to be or how long to last. Good luck, Burned, and God bless you in your healing path. KNOWLEDGE=POWER=HEALING
Dear Burned buns,
Certain aspects of your story reminds me alot of my own..
It’s really strange how you can read all these stories and posts and they are all so similar…It helps so much to know how many other good people have survived the same twisted,hollow and malignant beings that are referred to as “sociopaths”..
The Dali Llama has said that sociopaths have “an incomplete human experience”..
I wish you the best…I am 3 months out of my S relationship and have PTSD, trying to take it a day at a time.. much soul searching and prayer…
Try to stay physically and mentally healthy..Try to get enough sleep,eat right and get excercise…Pray ( or meditate)and read as much as you can about sociopaths… This website is truly awesome for both education and healing…
God bless…
Wow. What great insights from the other bloggers here. What great comfort I get in knowing I’m not the only one who’s gone through it – even though I’m terribly sorry you’ve all had to go through this. Makes me want to give a big bear hug to people who’ve gone through this encounter with evil incarnate. I’ve learned empathy out of this. Makes me want to counsel others. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s somehow a huge relief to know there is a medical reason behind this – she’s basically inhuman. Helps me to move on emotionally and not regret loss of relationship.
Maybe this sounds a bit odd, but: I find alot of people on this site are deeply connected to God in some way. Is it possible that these inhuman sociopaths are a product of darkness given the mandate to attack good people? I know it may sound odd. Just my observation on this site.
MRNICEGUY: You wouldn’t be a Brit in The Netherlands would you? Leiden?