By | November 9, 2012 14 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The sociopath didn’t take it all from us

Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”

I’ve experienced so much personal loss as a result of my second marriage that I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.  I lost my belongings, all of my inheritance, and I nearly lost my will to live.  When I returned home and the hot water wasn’t coming out of the spigot, I took my little flashlight down to the basement – dirt and gravel floor, unheated, and housing a dead furnace.  I opened the door to the basement and was met with a wall of warm, moist air and the sound of running water.  It was 27 degrees, outside, and 37 degrees inside the shell of the dwelling where I’m currently living.

In the back of this dank-assed basement, the running water was issuing from the top of the water heater onto the gravel and dirt floor in a torrent.  Oh, the water was plenty hot, but it was never going to run out of the spigot or showerhead, again.  I ran to the breaker box and threw the breaker for the hot water heater and shut down the cold water intake for the unit and the torrent became a trickle, and then stopped, entirely.  I just stared at the water heater with contempt – HOW could it have died like that when it knew that I had no money to have it repaired or replaced.  Hell, the carcass of the furnace sat there and stared at me with an absolute lack of emotion or response.

I stalked out of the basement, out into the frigid air, and back up to the frozen mess of the house mumbling every profanity that I could remember.

Well, the point is that I’m in a very miserable situation.  But, even in the midst of all of this constant misery is some hilarity.  The fact that I’m living in conditions that are pre-Hurricane and post-Exspath that are equivalent to 1901 luxuries, it’s just about the funniest situation imaginable.

I’m rediscovering my sense of humor and wit, and I’m so grateful for this miracle.  I never, ever thought that I’d find anything to be mirthful about for the rest of my life, and I’m finding something humorous in this whole test of my resourcefulness and stamina, every day.

One of the things that the exspath did was to glom onto my own sense of humor and wit like a tick sucking blood out of a host.  His own humor was passable, but he wasn’t nearly as witty and he often was visibly annoyed when someone would say (in his company) that I should be a standup comedienne.  This went all over him and he hated not being the wittiest or the most humorous.

Well, today I am absolutely on a roll.  I’m finding that keen wit and humor to be the most valuable qualities that the exspath wasn’t able to coerce from me or forge out of me.

It is imperative for each survivor to find one thing that spath couldn’t take from them.  Whether it’s their wit, their love of cooking, their ability to sing, or their organizational skills, the spath didn’t take EVERYTHING from us.  And, today is the day to acknowledge that the spath didn’t take it all from us.  That ability and quality is the starting point for me to rebuild myself.  And, rebuild, I will.

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Ox Drover

Dear Adelade,

Yep, when we finally find that we can LAUGH AGAIN, even with the black gallows humor you must have felt as you returned to the cold house, now without hot water….we are on the road to healing.

Finding humor in those blackest of moments is sometimes very difficult, but as bad as it gets, we can always look at others who have LESS THAN WE DO…and be grateful for what we DO have, even if it is nothing but our gallows humor.

Congratulations for the laugh! And thanks for sharing it with us. I know it isn’t “funny” in the conventional sense of the word, but for folks who have experienced the “storm of the century,” a psychopath, it does cause a giggle.


OxD, all I can say is that I never ask, “What next?” The Universe has a very warped sense of humor, itself, and whenever I’ve uttered that simple phrase, the Universe has responded, “Well, oh yeah? How about THIS?!” And, BAM….the propane stove that the exspath found on the side of a road and installed to use has become a health hazard and danger! ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!!!!

Boiling water on a woodstove to wash and clean dishes is a humbling experience. And, scavenging for firewood because I cannot afford to purchase proper firewood is also humbling. But, it is an “adventure,” of sorts. It’s a test of who and what I am and can accomplish.

Without laughing about these things, I would be a dribbling boob in a State mental institution, without a doubt.

No, it’s not “funny,” but there is some wry irony to be found about the whole mess.

And, who knew that certain types of wood burned faster than others? What an edumakashun I’m getting, eh? LMAO!!!!


Ox Drover


Be careful burning pine wood if you are as it will coat the chimney and can cause a chimney fire that will spew burning creasote out on to the roof and catch it on fire….ASK ME HOW I KNOW! LOL

Yea, I’ve been there and done that, lived in the back of my pick up truck parked in state parks with my kids and my cat for a few months after my divorce from hell…and you are right, there is some wry irony in it all.

But,, that said, I found a place to live, re-enrolled in college (I had dropped out after 1 year as a kid) finished college with my RNP and supported myself and my kids, remarried, had a good life with my late husband, and even though things didn’t turn out as I would have liked with my P son or my other biological son C, I have managed to survive and finally I think to THRIVE as well even at this late stage in my life. I’m not rich, but I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothing to wear, and I’m warm in the winter. You do what you have to do to survive.

When all else fails, I re-read “Man’s search for meaning” and realize that man can find meaning even under the WORST of circumstances…a Nazi concentration camp. So I count my blessings and love those who love me and tell them so EVERY DAY.


OxD, you’re an inspiration and human tenacity has no limits for surivors who intend to recover.

At some point, I’ll go back to college and pursue something outside of my chosen endeavors and sort it all out. This is just temporary, and I’m not going to be like this, forever.

In fact, there are a number of interesting “activities” in this area that include woodcrafts (lumberjacking, etc.) as well as farm stuff – sheepherding trials and hunting dog field trials. There are “good” things out there that I’ll be able to entertain, in due time.

I think finding some hilarity over all of this keeps the venom for the exspath at bay. He’s in a “new relationshit” and living in an environment that is warm, dry, and secure and is eating whatever he wishes WHEN he wishes. He’s got a means to cook food for himself or have his new target cook FOR him (more likely scenario). He has not a care in the world because he’s making 60K per year, and my annual income for 2012 is going to be about 4,000. Literally.

So, for me to keep my head from imploding, I have to laugh and snap my fingers at every farking appliance that has died, and just muddle along.

I do have good friends and many blessings. Although it’s almost falling down, the structure isn’t a cardboard box and it DOES keep the weather out. LOL!!!


Ox Drover


I cleaned houses between classes in college, worked nights at a “stop and rob” 7-11, grew a garden, butchered my own meat, milked goats and bartered child care with other single parents for mechanical work on my POS vehicles…wrote and sold articles to Mother Earth News…got Pel Grants, scholarships, and student loans, and got by, and even got a tiny bit of child support from my X, though he never saw the kids after the separation which was painful for them, partly because he had been a good father before his mental break down, which I think was entirely due to his P father’s pressure.

My egg donor never offered me one bit of help, but I did borrow money from her for private school tuition for my kids..which I paid back every cent + 10% interest figured to the penny. I did not want to be in any way “beholden” to her even those many years ago.

Actually I can look back on those years of “hardship” and feel proud of what I accomplished ON MY OWN…I’ve never been afraid of hard work, and that has helped pull me through when the times got tough.

There are some things however that “hard work” won’t fix…and we just have to accept them like they are. I’m past the point where I CAN go out and earn a living again, but by living frugally I can live “well” by the standards of most folks. My income isn’t much more than poverty level yet, because I am fortunately debt free, we can live a pretty good life. The hard work in the PAST provided the debt free status NOW.

So hang in there, and survive and thrive! You can DO IT!


OxD, yep…..I’m doing as much as I can to sort it all out. My physical issues put a bit of a crimp in the situation, but I’m bartering for food and wood, and there truly are “good people” out there who can’t “support” me, financially, but they do whatever they can to help me to help myself.

And, I’m just fine with “living well” instead of “living high.” There are many ways to become self-sufficient, and I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m actually feeling proud of myself for my own resourcefulness which, by the way, was one of the things that the exspath was enamored of: my resourcefulness. So, it’s a great big “FARK YOU, EXSPATH” when I boil water on the woodstove to bathe with or perform plumbing CPR on the water heater! I’m NOT helpless, and the exspath so very much wanted me to believe that I was.

It’s a struggle, but it’s a righteous struggle and I am going to make my own way. Thanks for the boost of confidence! 😀

Mother Earth News? AWESOME!!!!!!!!! Yep, you need to write your memoirs, OxD. You’re one of those really amazing people that would inspire anyone in distress.


Pinewood………woodstove no-no. LOL!!!!

I’ve got ash, oak (always good when not punky), birch (not so good), and other stuff to burn.

Ox Drover

Truthy, I had a chimney fire once from burning scrap pine lumber, and believe me it was MIND BLOWING, but fortunately I was able to put it out before it burned the house down, but After that I was always careful to get my flue cleaned each year before I started burning wood (you CAN do it yourself) and NEVER EVER AGAIN burned any pine or other sappy wood in the fireplace or wood stove. I used wood heat for many years until we moved in here and I realized that I am allergic to the oak smoke (and pollen and I live in an oak forest!) so use natural gas here, but am very conservative and use all the energy saving techniques that you can imagine. In fact, my utilities are less now than they were in 1994 when we moved in here because of the conservation measures I have instituted over the years.

Years ago when I was working in a family medical clinic, I saw many people who used wood for fuel and if they burned GREEN wood I could smell it on their hair and clothing, and they frequently had upper respiratory problems, bronchitas, sinus infections, etc. so avoid GREEN unseasoned wood if you can at all. The pithy wood burns fast, it is almost like paper. Green wood burns inefficiently though and the sap fills the air and irritates the lungs.



Thanks for sharing you wonderful humor with us. I always consider it a blessing and joy that despite all that I lost I still care deeply about others, trust easily (I know I have to be careful here), and laugh often. You’re right, he didn’t take everything. Despite it all, I’m not cynical. I am wiser, but not cynical. He told me that I’d never be happy and I’d never be free, but he was wrong.


Adelade ‘truthspeak’,

I love your post and your connection to yourself!

I felt like I was with you in that basement…..and then swearing, shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head, right along with you. When you wrote that then you found humor in the situation I felt a wave of happiness for you.

I was reading a buddhist monk’s essay yesterday and he talked about finding the wryness, and humor in life. That it was really helpful in staying connected to ‘reality’, and to warding off depression and cynicism. He said that when we find humor in what ‘really is’, we can deal with it much more gracefully and fully. We don’t tend to want to escape as much because we have the internal ability to ‘lighten up’.

Connecting like that with our own humor is a milestone….

Much love and healing (and a new furnace) to you.


Hi Slim,
nice to see you.

Yep, humor is another great weapon against the spath. It WORKS!

Truthy, your wit and insights come through in your posts. He couldn’t take that, thank God! You will survive, we all will. Things can only get better once that anchor is gone from our necks.

Ox Drover

Welcome back Slimone, glad to “see you”

Yep, the humor…even dark, “gallows humor” is good for us.

Once my sperm donor rented an airplane from a man who had hand built this small plane called a “gyro-copter” for a film scene he was doing, (sperm donor at that time made wild animal films) and in the process of trying to fly the craft, it was pretty well demolished…..but though there was a close call, no one was actually injured.

We were all laughing (in relief) after the crash and the man who owned the plane was furious at us for LAUGHING. P sperm donor did pay the man for the plane and in the future no one ever flew it, but it would be made to LOOK LIKE it was being flown in the films.

When something bad happens or out of your control or even scares you badly it is not uncommon or abnormal to LAUGH ABOUT IT. It relieves the stress from the situation.


Okie dokie…..I’m laughing ruefully, and I’d like some serious input.

I learned that the exspath has now declared bankruptcy and I’m being pressured to file, jointly. The bankruptcy attorney contacted me and didn’t know that there was a TRO in place, that I lived in another state, OR any other important detail about the divorce. All strictly financial, so to speak.

The atty claimed that I would have a “freebie” because the exspath is paying for the filing, and I am very, VERY dubious about participating in a joint bankruptcy action. Something about this stinks – perhaps, filing my own bankruptcy is prudent, but I’m feeling that this action is going to really, REALLY benefit him if it’s done jointly, and thoroughly damage ME, in the long run.

Any suggestions?


And, I can’t even farking afford to pay for groceries, much less an out-of-state trip OR atty fees for my own bankruptcy action. I already spoke to legal aid, and my case would be too complicated for them.

I’m concerned, on every level.

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