Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
To hopeful6596 – You are completely off here. He is not getting himself together for her or for anyone, this is a dog and pony show girl. This is all he is doing to captivate the next victim. MO is different but the result is the same. To lure her in. If he appears to be a loser she may not want him. This will all end before you know it. More importantly, he did not give YOU what you needed. He won’t give it to anyone else either. He called you to tell you that “he hoped I was having an excellent holiday and had a great weekend.” He could care less what kind of weekend you were having, he was checking in to see if he still had “an in” with you.
Mine told me the same thing :“very last thing he would be doing is dating” That is complete BS. What they do when they say that is block you from thinking their is anyone else so you don’t ruin it. It is all about self preservation, nothing else. Mine said the same thing! While he was working on getting back on track with the ex-wife. They are full of it and remember if the mouth is moving, they are lying!
Wini – POETIC. Thanks!
Wini**
Hugs! Thank you. I periodically have to keep be reminded what these people are about. And I ALWAYS doubt myself, because he really is a master manipulator. In fact, he was so convincing that he was talking with a good friend of his who came up with 10 questions for them to ask each other on a weekly basis regarding accountability and integrity. My spath was SOOOOOO playing this guy, and when I emailed him to tell him exactly what he was doing, the friend said my spath was really trying and then BLOCKED me from facebook. Really, there are a lot of people this guy fools, so it confuses me. WTF??? I keep telling myself he could not have possibly changed so quickly, suddenly, and completely. Last year, before I knew that he instantly had a new GF, I asked him if he was still in therapy, and he said, “that’s not the only way to make changes”, so when I found out about the GF, I realized that he was trying to shove it in my face about “changing” for someone else, but not me. It’s a horrible feeling.
Kay777,
thanks so much for your response. I very much appreciate the support on here when I need it. I don’t post much only because I get overwhelmed with thinking about it all the time. Thanks so much, again. I am convinced that what you said is right–he thinks he is being subtle, when it’s just a ploy because he KNOWS how much it hurts me and drives me insane if I talk to him. I am going to block his number and email, as Wini suggests. Should have done it long ago!
hopeful6596 – Mine did the same thing. He actually told me that it was not going to be his former wife or me, it would be someone “new” someone that he had no history with. Slap in the face after all we had been through. He had a fit when he saw that I was in a new relationship on FB and that I was engaged. A fit! Of course they can dish it but they can’t take it. Yes it is a horrible feeling but remember ITS A LIE. EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A LIE!
hopeful6596,
Personally, I think the guy’s up to something. There’s a reason why you and others have broken off contact with the spath – he is a lying, no good user of people. He has not changed – he’s just trying to give you the impression that he has. DOUBTFUL. Feel what you need to feel, but remain NO CONTACT. If you let him in at all, he will cause nothing but trouble.
Kay, thank Donna Anderson for that line. It’s perfect for the likes of them and we all use it because it is the perfect fit to describe them.
Hopeful6596, he’s playing that other guy too. If not, that friend of yours has the same kind of problem. I call them SURFACE DWELLERS … SD for short. Never, ever going deep into the waters of life. They just skim the surface of life.
As I said, pray for that other girl. She has no clue that she’s dating a ROBOT. We should all have given them an oil can for their birthdays.
Speaking of OIL. Notice how the biggest catastrophe today is BP oil. Oh, that’s God giving us a heads up that he hears all of us.
OxDrover – You are right on the $$. These people prey on anyone who fits their agenda. Once they are done they are done. This site is super empowering and I wish nothing more than to help others realize (as I have myself) that we are not alone in our quest for normalcy. Not at all alone. Unfortunately we have had our run ins with people the likes of these. They are hard to shake but once you do you will be REPULSED, like I am having had to have dealt with one!
Hopeful, BlueJay is correct. It’s like someone trying to make us into a jerk with no feelings. It’s never going to happen.
My Dad always told me there is two types of people in the world. Givers and Takers. A giver will always give everything they have … and a taker always takes, never to give.
You can never make a taker, a giver (unless he’s giving something of yours away) and you can never make a a giver, a taker.
Face the FACT. We are all givers on this site. Givers, that are in touch with our emotions.
Bluejay,
I hear you loud and clear. I’m going to go no contact, which I’ve had trouble doing in the past, but I finally get that if I don’t, I will never break the hold that this bastard has over me. It is not that I want this guy back. I have trouble with doubting my instincts and taking this guy at face value, but his “presentation” is what I believed from the beginning. But dude is SMART SMART SMART!!!! He can sound so self-aware, which throws me off, but then I remember that every time he sounded self-aware, I ALWAYS caught him lying. ALWAYS!!!! I think it’s my lack of self-esteem that is convinced that he’ll change for someone else and not me, and he KNOWS this. That is the card he would very subtely play with me while we were together, so he KNOWS that if he keeps playing that card AND “presents” his life as if it’s actually true, then I’ll be devastated, so that is why he called as if he’s doing 12 step stuff. And, he also left the phone call open-ended as well, I think becasue he expected I would call him back, which I did not