Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Yep it was priceless – but maybe this will get her off the crack and on the road to a better life and career. I do think her parent’s are worthless tho..
And Jake remimds me of the hunky landscaper I dated briefly after the spath, those cold steele blue eyes and empty hollow words, he told me one time if he was a female he would be married to Donald Trump, he couldnt pass a mirror with out posing..narc’s and spaths oh my. Give me a butt fugly man with a heart and a conscience and a soul any day over them pretty boy narcs..
Am I the only one who thinks Vienna is one horse short of a carousel???? 🙂
Her eyes were looking a little crazy, just my own observation.
Yes, Jake is a narcissist.
But, Vienna is a hot mess, too.
She had a nervous breakdown on national television!!
She went into convulsions every time Jake opened his mouth to speak.
Now THAT’S some good REALITY!!!!
The best part about the whole ordeal was that on the show, the other bachelorettes WARNED Jake about Vienna.
But, Jake went ahead and chose her anyway.
well I think she showed the effects of being in love with a con man – convulsions and all..
Poof!
I’m out. Good night, Henry.
Yeah Rosa….any person who goes on TV and expects to find the love of thier life…..Wellllll. hmmmmmmm?
Not saying i’m a fan of Vienna……
But…..Jakes sharades on DWTS…all nicey nice……and all his interviews, nicey nice……and then top it all of with……he’s a commercial pilot…..(who dates WAY younger girls….(23????)
(SPIT).
I think Trista and Ryan get a monthly check to stay together so the future shows and ‘contestants’ believe in the unbelievable.
I watched the night that Jake proposed to Vienna.. I was watching lots of TV at that time because, I was recovering from surgery. He was ‘hot’ for her. That was all and when it ran its course.. he didn’t like her.. because he didn’t ‘know’ her .. he was just hot for her. I think that he is a creep. He tried to be too good to be true and talked about how much he loved her and poof .. in what three months, they are fighting like cats and dogs.. She was really hurt.. she was overly emotional.. but I think he was emotionally abusive.. and when he didn’t need her any longer or make him feel good about himself, he turned on her. Classic jerk.. classic socio… he is like some fame hound. The premise of that whole show is stupid. I watched part of it the other night with thatl blond girl.. silly and stupid.. and gives people the false idea of what creating a relationship and falling in love is.
http://www.womenexplode.com
sageegirl – look at all the crap he said and then look at it as HIS short comings. he’s projecting his own behavior on you.
nice image by the way – think you should add Lucy and her ball to that compilation, too.
Twicebetrayed – TOWANDA girl!
2b- you are attributing the potential for regret, conscience and positive change through both to your ex. if he is a spath he doesn’t have the capacity.
feel all the compassion you do for his lack of humanity. but don’t for a moment think it will ever change. i wouldn’t feel sorry for him shooting himself in the foot; i’d feel bad that his aim isn’t better.
One step:
I do believe that he regrets how he acted toward me. I understand how he is because I know him well. He is so insecure and afraid of rejection…that when I started pulling away from him, he ran. All through the two years we were together, he was always insecure with me. And, ME being afraid to get close to someone (he was the first man I got involved with since my divorce), I really held my feelings back for a long time. He was the one constantly telling me how much he loved me. I even broke up with him several times because I was afraid of getting hurt. He told me that I was always pushing him away. And I was.
So, I brought my “issues” into the relationship too.
I take responsibility for MY part in the demise of the relationship. I made him feel insecure because of my own insecurities. That was the dynamic of our relationship. It was a “dance of the wounded souls” from the start. I “run” from relationships when I think I’m going to get hurt. So, I do take responsibility for MY part of not confronting him when something bothered me, and not being true to myself…out of fear of rejection. I always kept him wondering…which made HIM insecure.
What “upsets” me is that I do understand that he is really insecure which is what made him defensive and scared and run when I told him that I didn’t think things were working out between us. So, I hurt his “ego” and he reacted out of his fear and “pride” and he ran without discussing things. This was HIS insecurity.
Then, a week later he cooled off, missed me, and started contacting me to talk. At this point, I was so angry and hurt that I didn’t respond. He has been contacting me since and I’ve ignored him. I knew if we got together to talk, I would go back with him, because I really loved him and cared for him. I knew it was time for me to work on myself…my own insecurity issues that I never addressed. I couldn’t stay with him and do this.
Now, five months later, both of our anger and hurt has subsided. I accepted that it is over and I’ve worked on my own “insecurity issues”. I’ve processed it all and I understand things better. I don’t resent him or have any anger toward him. It took time for me to accept that it didn’t work out and why. I focused on ME, not him…MY issues of being with someone that I was too insecure to confront when something bothered me.
And, I accept MY responsibility for not being secure enough to confront him with my feelings. I always had one foot out of the door with him, because I was afraid. He constantly needed reassurance that I still loved him. It was my way of controlling him, to hold back.
Now i just feel sorry for him as a person because I see his pattern in his life, since his dysfunctional childhood. He even ran from his wife years ago, leaving her in another state, because he was scared of her rejecting him. When people hurt us…its really all about THEM. THEY are really only out to protect themselves and fill their own needs. I truly believe this. It’s up to US to protect ourselves from people who can’t “give”.
I believe that these “sociopaths” are really messed up. Whether its genetic or environmental, they are so emotionally messed up that they can’t have healthy relationships. They try to recreate situations because they were so rejected and felt so unloved as children….just like their victims who are trying to recreate their early experiences of feeling unloved.
Every “victim” in my group of “abused” women, has attracted men who were emotionally unavailable because of their own insecurities. Once they rebuild their self esteem and get “healthy” they leave the “dance”.You cannot have a “healthy” relationship unless YOU are secure and healthy!
So, I am just seeing things in a different light. It does not mean that I will go back to a toxic relationship, because now I am different….more secure and I love myself and I am taking care of myself as I never did. I have set boundaries with people and even had to cut many people out of my life, who were “toxic” to me. I can’t be around insecure selfish people anymore, maybe because I am healthier. If someone is insecure they will only use me and hurt me. So, I’ve learned to stay clear of them. No more setting myself up for hurt…no more people to suck the life out of me. I am secure enough to give and I cannot be around people who aren’t. I stay clear of these types and have cut out my sister and other people who are on a journey of “self absorption” in their lives. I just can’t be the caretaker anymore…
I surround myself with positive healthy people. Its called “boundaries” and I’ve finally learned to take care of ME, and I am only attracting into my life, people who are secure and unselfish, like me.
It has changed my life. I feel more peaceful and secure than I have ever felt. I don’t need approval from anyone…because I approve of myself. I stand up for myself now and take care of MY emotional needs.
I think this is “key” to “healing”. My relationship with my x/bf triggered my healing. It forced me to look at my own life patterns and change the things I was doing to sabotoge myself. Letting someone insecure control me was something very deep rooted. Therapy has made me aware of how I was living my life and why. I got to the ROOT of ME. I now have only healthy people in my life and have been able to identify toxic people who would just feed off of me,and give me nothing in return. And, this is why my life is so much better now.
So,even though I “feel sorry” for my x…I don’t have “compassion” for him to the point of feeling that I need to bring him into my life and help him heal HIS old wounds.
He has to go through the pain as I did and realize what he is doing in his life to sabatoge himself. It is HIS journey and he is either going to look inside of himself at this point so that he could have a healthy relationship, or he is going to live the rest of his life like a little child…full of fear…feeling everyone out there is out to get him…being secretive to protect himself…and being self destructive. Its sad.
So, I am not condoning what these “predators” do in life. I just understand why now. My xhusb, who is a narcissist like his Dad, is like a little child…so insecure…and irresponsible. From his childhood, he has learned to manipulate people to get HIS needs filled. Its all about him and he CAN”T love or give.So he is living his life full of insecurity and anger and uses women to fill his own selfish unfulfilled needs. It is up to each one of us to resolve our own “issues” and not need to attract these types into our lives anymore. If WE were secure with ourselves, we wouldn’t attract unhealthy people into our lives and tolerate them just to feel loved.
I know I’m rambling on about what I’ve learned and realized, but I want to explain why I feel the way I do at this point in my recovery. When you accept your own responsibility in getting involved with toxic people and understand yourself, you can “forgive” yourself and the people who you allowed to hurt you.
Then, and only then, can you live your life being true to yourself and loving yourself.
So, instead of hating the x’s that I got involved with, I can now just let them go on their own journey in life…and I can live my own life taking care of me now and not setting myself up for hurt and pain.
I don’t want to see anyone hurting, not even the selfish x’s that may never realize how their insecurity is hurting others.