Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
tobehappy – i am really glad you are taking care of yourself and learning and growing in your relationship with yourself.
i don’t think you are babbling on, but have given a thoughtful response to persistent my posts to you.
i have doggedly posted as I do not accept spaths as wounded beings. i believe they are genetically flawed, incapable of changing and revel in the destruction they create. consequently when i read your posts i am concerned that your casting of your ex as a lost hurt child suggests you believe he can change, that he is just emotionally wounded not genetically mutant. and that paradigm often moves into, ‘is all he needs is to tkae responsibility and the right loving’. this is why i am concerned. spaths don’t take responsibility – they lie and they gaslight and they use the pity ploy – all the things wounded people may genuinely be, they pretend to be. because they know it works. the root problem of spaths is not insecurity, by sociopathy. not all men involved in d.v. are spaths, i am concerned you have confused the spath and non spath.
but it doesn’t really matter what i think or the paradigm you are working with, as long as you are safe and remain so; know that if he is a ppath he will not ever change as he fundamentally is not able to; and that you continue to grow and make a good life for yourself.
For two weeks now, since finding out by way of a tape recording of what the “evil” I’m married to was plotting and scheming, I have after getting over the initial shock of not having a stinking clue what he was planning, I have completely detached from him. I have set my mind on being extremely neutral, not engaging, just basically existing here as I put all my time, focus, and effort into my elderly mother.
I ignore him, his presence as he sits in his chair every night with his legs crossed like a woman, stone silent and pouting, I can just see (if I glance his way) his mind like a wheel turning. If he does happen to make some comment, which is almost unheard of, I politely murmur um hmm. And continue on with reading or playing a pc game.
I still cook supper, do his laundry, clean this house and so on, because I am very careful to not do anything to upset the apple cart at this point. I want him to leave, I want to completely cut off from him emotionally. I know him well enough that if his supply is cut off, he will eventually move on.
I just go about my life, and my busyness here with my mother and puttering around, basically ignoring him but politely giving him short answers if he speaks.
He did tell me that he got a raise at work and then told me last night that the general manager where he works is screwing up bad and it’s affecting his department. He has his bosses wrapped and has worked hard to accomplish this, I have seen this same pattern with the other 3 jobs he’s had in the past 2 years in his management position. Now he is on his “smear” campaign towards the GM, same as the other three jobs. He has his henchmen all in place, their fear, loyalty and now the plan of action has been executed. I have seen it all before. The only difference this time is that I have not allowed “evil” to drag me into any of it. Whether it be allowing him to ask my opinion of how he should do something there. I know his game, he did that so if he needed to use me as the scapegoat it was usually at the end of him being on his way out. And he would smear me saying that I gave him bad advice.
When he sees all his evil schemes catch up with him, this is when he will sabotage it for himself so he doesn’t lose control.
and then the cycle ends the same way, unpaid bills, that are never caught up, he just moves to another home or apartment, never getting ahead, but always him using money that should go to bills to join a new country club, going without food so he can have his “bottle” of whiskey and cigarettes.
I am divorcing “evil”.
One step:
At this point I don’t know if he’s a sociopath or not. I just know that I am going on with my life without him in it and that I need to take care of me and that he would only hinder my path. I have no intentions of communicating with him to find out. My xhusband was diagnosed by a professional as having narcisstic personality disorder and so was his father.Whether or not he is a sociopath, I don’t know either.
I do believe its genetic, thats for sure.
I know there are “evil” people in this world who are really “disordered”. I’ve done enough research to know that.
As far as my xb/f, he admits he is selfish and insecure. I know his mother abandoned her children when he was five and he grew up in an abusive situation with the grandmother. His upbringing was tragic which I am sure made him the way he is.
I want healthy relationships at this point in my life, so I am not responding to his texts or calls. I’m taking control of my life and I feel better.
Whether he is genetically a sociopath or not, doesn’t matter to me. I had feelings for him and I still feel for him, even if its only feeling sorry. But, I am not willing to let him into my life at my expense. That I am firm with.
I am at a stage of acceptance that he is who he is and he cannot be in my life.
Bible Annie, please be very careful around him. What we all learned from this site is “they” HATE to loose control. Even though you’ve learned alot about the likes of him, we DO NOT KNOW everything there is to know about “them” except they always crave that need for control. If they get any inkling that they are NOT in control, anything could and has happened. For example, my bosses felt threatened by me. They had no clue what a practicing Christian is about. They tried everything to get me to do evil. When I didn’t bite at their offerings of evil doings, they took this as a threat of them no longer being in control. Their mindsets were that everyone has a price tag and eventually, everyone could be bought. Since I wouldn’t bite to do evil against others … so they (my bosses) would get off my back. They bit me and set out to completely destroy me. They had no clue that Christians just do their work and do not pay attention to the worldy ways of the earth.
Just be careful.
Thanks and good luck.
Wini,
Thanks for the support. Sorry it has taken me a while to respond, but my laptop at home is on the fritz. I really appreciate the support that is available here from all the posters. I think one of the things that is so damn confounding with these Spaths is that they can have such moments of clarity and awareness, and you get sucked in, and then BAM!!! As an example, since my Spath was telling me how much he wanted to try, I gave him a book in which the premise was how partners could feel safe with one another. He read it in one night and could spout verbatim all the stuff in the book. So, one evening shortly thereafter, he told me that he wanted me to “feel safe” with him, and that we really needed to think about what we needed from one another, and that we were on the verge of “big changes.” Hours later, I was talking to at least two of the women he was playing. Then I got the contempt that Steve B so aptly describes. And then came the ” I know I need help” and the “I really want something real with someone.” Ugh. Makes me sick. So when he called me about “making amends” I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him. With this new girl, he is fooling EVERYONE—her family, friends, everyone! So, then the doubt seeps in—that maybe he has changed and I was just a sap. I just need to keep hearing that this is not all in my head—the behaviors this guy exhibited were SOOOO callous and heartless and manipulative. No normal guy does that. Never any real remorse, EVER!!!! And he went right from me to this new girl, and I keep telling myself there is NO way this guy suddenly has a conscience or empathy. Ugh. This can be such a mind f**k.
To give an update, I just went and looked at two different homes here for my mother. I filled out applications in her name and believe this is where God is leading me. I could be away from “evil” and feel safe and at peace while living and caring for my aging mother. Prayers are needed as I look for strength and courage to carry this out. Thank you Oxy, Wini, bluejay, Kay and all others who have helped me see my way clear of this sick dysfunctional “evil” in my life. Blessing and thanks to you.
Leaving the “evil”. I think I am starting to realize that “evil”/husband is not a sociopath but a psychopath. I just posted an article I read describing this sort. This was much more similar to everything I have observed and have been subject to.
It describes him to a T.
As soon as “evil” realized that I knew of his agenda of figuring out a way to get out of this marriage without a divorce, I told him that I was leaving and that he got his wish. That I simply wanted out and did not want anything from him. He has been very agreeable and cooperative. I know he has already found someone else and that is really a blessing for me.
I even told him that if he wanted me to, I would tell his folks that I am the one who was unstable, and I didn’t deserve him.
He was satisfied with this conclusion.
Within 1 day of this conversation, he contacted his ex-step children on FB and added them to his friends list.
I have very strong suspicions and deep concern for the ex-step daughter as I found early on after we were first married, buried deep inside of his wardrobe bag, a white bag with only childrens soiled underwear. When I saw it, we were unpacking and he came into the room just as I dumped out the bag. The look on his face was stricken, and at the time I was in such denial that quickly said, those you can throw away, he looked very relieved. Anyway, I believe he was inappropriate with these children but have no other way of proving it. The mother of these children ended up in the psych ward at the end of their marriage. He told me that he “Hung The Moon” for those kids and that they worshiped him and that their mother was mentally ill and wouldn’t take care of her kids or clean the house, so he did.
Lord, I wish justice would be served so he can never, ever hurt anyone else, and it’s especially tragic when it’s an innocent child
bibleannie,
You are definitely taking ACTION! Good for you, being a blessing to both yourself and your mother, taking necessary steps to help yourself and your mother get out of a bad situation. You inspire me. May the angels help you make more moves in the right direction. Take care.
hopeful6596, if anything you learn on this site, remember this one truth. THEY ARE THE LIE!
Oh, they live on the same planet as everyone else, and of course they know the lingo … but, they twist and contort everything to come out as the victor. It’s that old WIN/LOOSE mentality this country teaches boys who chronologically age in this country. Win/loose. They are out to win at any cost, which means any one they are dealing with has to loose. Then for the last 30 years, they’ve been teaching women this concept too in order to excel in the workplace. What ever happened to mentors? What ever happened to WIN/WIN? The person wins, the company wins, the other party wins!
I guess I’m asking too much.
Oh, by the way, if your laptop is freezing up, that means you have to run your computer check each week (this should be done every week you own your computer). Go into your START menu (bottom, left of your screen). Scroll up to PROGRAMS. Scroll over to ACCESSORIES. Scroll down to SYSTEM TOOLS. First do the DISK CLEANUP TO PURGE ALL THE FILES that accumulated on your system. After doing this, run the long version (will take about 4 hours plus) of SCAN DISK. After scan disk is complete (I usually do this at night when I go to bed), use the DISK DEFRAGMENTER. Then you should be back in business. You have to do this maintenance weekly to keep your computer from gunking up with cookies etc. that attached itself as you access the Internet.
Peace.