Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Wini,
That might explain why they lie so often, to look good at all times, even though we might have the evidence to prove their story is a bunch of bull. Last fall, as I was in the process of figuring out what the heck was wrong with my husband, I had reached the conclusion that he would rather lie than tell the truth, having said this aloud to a few people (who I confided in). To this day, he will lie, despite evidence (eg. an unpaid bill, etc.) to the contrary – this still is mind-boggling. So, what it is – they want to “win,” looking good at all times even though reality say’s otherwise.
Bluejay, now you just learned the division between church and state. State teaches everyone how to be an ash (win/loose) and the Church sighs, shakes their heads and screams “stop undoing the teachings of Jesus (win/win)”.
Reminds me of that joke … a woman walks in on her boyfriend in bed with another woman. The woman (in shock) starts screaming at her boyfriend, while the other woman jumps up, grabs her clothes and runs down the hall butt naked (clothes in hand). The woman, still screaming at her boyfriend “how could you?” … and the boyfriend, without missing a beat lies through his teeth with that dumb smile on his face (still butt naked) and says “now Honey, who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes”?
Peace.
When I had met the sociopath, it was by his so called pretend aunt which I found out later on after my son was born. The sociopath was always about what he needed, a rental, he need money for his probation officer, light bill, rent, it was always something with him which was scary. I did not realize how immature he was, he was so charming, he was like tell you the things you want to hear after I think about it, he loves to play little mind games and try to turn you against people, he will state he is in school, do not know the reason he is not in school, in his mind he believe he is, it is like he went backwards in time not forward. He is 33 years old, he still getting in trouble as if he was in his early 20s, but he proclaim he has something to offer. He tells me the same exact thing from the time I had met him as you are crazy or haven’t grew. He had conned his way until he believe it works. He has never ask about his son and when he does when he is in a tight, he is going to jail for non support. He needs my help than, he will tell me anything, I do not listen to the things he states. He will used he haven’t seen or spent anytime with his son which he walked passed him three times not once but three times as if he had forgotten. When he was 2 yrs old, he said the same thing about he wants to see him and never heard from him unless it is court, he do not speak, now he wants to state we have and this needs to stop. I have no hate, because he is on child support. He feel he cannot do but he continues to stay in trouble. He add more and more on his list of children’s, you will end up with 2 to 7, you are like what does any of this has to do with me and my baby. I do not understand his reasons for any of this to be truthful. He writes the judge these things. I just feel I need to protect my baby and myself at this time and write back to show the truth in the matter. I received a letter from him since the sheriff messed up given him my self stamped envelope stating he wants to spend time with me and our son. I am scared too death about this; he writes a good letter catcher but the people who does not know him, he has a pattern of writing letters to judges etc…please help me.
Kay777
Mine told me on the “only” date we ever went on where he paid that “I sure was a tough case to crack”. Wow, huge red flag.
in Hindsight, what he was really saying was that he could not read me, and still to this day, he hasn’t cracked me. That was his whole agenda, so he could gain complete control of me.
Wow, the article about Satan and Sociopath, so incredible true. God’s word spells it all out plainly.
BlueJay, I don’t know what they want it changes from moment to moment. Whatever it is, it’s what someone else worked for. They take from us and give it to themselves. Just know, don’t underestimate how low they can go. They will go lower than the last low the accomplished.
Frankly, I really don’t care what they want. All I want to know is when our courts are going to stop making us pay for these idiots, pick them up, throw them in prison. Give them water and bread to eat … throw away the key, and let’s call it a day. I’m tired of all the bottom feeders (aka lowlife attorneys with no moral compasses, making money off the system).
Amen!
Dear Annie,
I hope you are able to get you and your mother out from under the psychopath’s thumb….and rule as quickly as possible. I think you are very smart in this instance to leave “with nothing” b ut the clothes on your backs and whatever small things he is willing to allow you rather than stay and fight for your “legal share.” There are some times and some Ps that it is not SMART to try to be FAIR with them. Give them the “things” as long as they will let you go without killing you you are miles ahead of the game. Especially when you are caring for an elderly parent.
Just to get out of their cross hairs and to feel that you are safe, and your mother safe is worth giving up whatever material things they would fight you for. God bless you Annie!@....... Wisdom is the best part of a plan.
OxD, you’re absolutely right – nothing is worth our lives. No cars, no real estate, no jewelry, no material items are an equitable trade for our souls and/or our lives. If we’re able to get out with our souls intact, then we’ve won. The rest is just “stuff” that can be replaced with something else.
I wrote this on another post, but Mike brought a bag of jewelry that the ex spath had kept all these long years. It is my fervent belief that objects can absorb negative and evil energies and intents. I tossed that bag of stuff off of a bridge, one-by-one, into a creek. Perhaps, after the water and the sun have cleansed those object, someone will find them and find some enjoyment from them. For me, just looking at them made my skin crawl.
Make your plan, Annie, and run. Brightest blessings!
Thank you OxDrover and other’s who left encouraging words.
“Evil”, asked me tonight when I was leaving and I told him over the next two weeks I would be moving things out. He then told me that “the $750.00 he agreed to give me as a settlement would have to be split up between now and the 1st of the months, was I surprised? Hell no! I told him that I was counting on it and reminded him that I was leaving without fighting for anything and that if I wanted to I could. He then rose up and got ugly with me demanding my respect, saying that had to show him respect. I told him I don’t have to respect you, that it was a choice and that he didn’t own me, control me and would never again manipulate how I should feel. I asked him if anyone else knew that we were splitting. He mentioned his parents and cousin, I asked if there would be anyone in the neighborhood I would right into that he told. He said that only other one was an older man (husband of a woman I just befriended at the pool whom I have shared none of this with.) He doesn’t even know this man but after he learned by prying that I was talking to this woman, ended up playing golf with him a few days after. This is the guy he told what was going on. He’s so freakin paranoid. I just commented that I thought it was very odd that he would tell a man he just met (the husband of my new friend) that we were splitting up. Again, no surprises, the “SMEAR CAMPAIGN” is in full swing. “evil” is such a walking disaster, he showing his hand, his true colors and thinks he’s in control.
I just keep thinking about when I don’t ever have to live under this horrible control and oppression again. I ended up saying to him, remember, I don’t want anything else and let’s just try to get th