Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Welcome Hehadme,
You’re at the right place for sure! KNOWLEDGE=POWER and we take our power back by learning about them, but also about ourselves and why we put up with it.
Glad too that you are NC physically, and now are evicting him from your head as well by not going to read about what he says! Good deal!
Again Welcome and God bless.
Hi. I left my s’path, finally, after two years, in late July 2010. I’ve been “no contact” expect for replying to one of his emails, and I answered the phone once. So, now it’s mid-September. He manipulates, omits the truth, and he lies. Big lies, little lies, constant lies. He was seeing me while he lived with his wife.
And yet, every day I think about him, every day I feel empty inside. I really truly loved him.
I’m not crying every day, but I’m still sad, devoid of energy, and every day I think about reaching out to him. The only thing that stops me is remembering that he’s married, and he was so unpredictible (he needs me, then he disappears, then he needs me, then he disappears). The on again/off again stuff made me cry all the time.
I don’t know what to do every day with my pain.
I don’t know what to do when it comes over me and I just want to cry again. How do I get my brain off topic?
Will I ever get happy again?
How do I move on.
OxD-reading your post above you said something to sunnygirl about 90 days and addiction. It’s funny you mention that…now that I think about it it really fits for us here. The research at NIDA (National Inst. of Drug Addiction) shows that the brain takes about 90 days to “re-wire” so to speak after getting off drugs. They don’t know exactly how this happens yet..if it is a linear way back the way it started or what…but addicts are unable to really use executive thinking and reasoning for about 90 days (this is why treatment needs to be longer for sure!) It’s obviously more complicated than that but I can see how being no contact with these spaths is really important for many reasons….one being as we “detox” from them we begin to think more clearly, reason better, get our heads back! Even just the four weeks I have been NC from my x (and being on LF) has made a huge difference in how I think. I never put those two things together before…this is also true for people who have sex addiction and compulsive sexual behavior (the 90 day thing) which goes to show that we don’t need an exogenous substance to affect our brains adversely. Our brains begin to change neurochemically with other addictions.
Superkid10-I am so sorry to hear of your pain. You are NOT alone here. Going no contact is the best way to heal….don’t let him back in! Don’t read anything he writes or texts, screen your calls. Keep talking here about it….read the articles and newer posts….I have only been on LF for four weeks. I had a seven year nightmare marriage to spath and have been divorced for 5 years. I was still in denial and not understanding what had happened to me until four weeks ago! Dumb ass!( me) actually, I wasn’t dumb just naive. NEVER again. Once I found LF and put this story together for myself I was able to start the healing process. I have a little girl who is almost 9 we adopted together and he got custody! UNBELIEVABLE. So I have to have some contact but what I have done is set up communication with his current wife (#3) instead and that is working. NO CONTACT! It will help you.
Do you have a therapist? Are you doing good self care? Eating well, exercise, sleep….I was NOT until I got to LF. It, too made a difference, not only physically but mentally as well. I think better when I am eating healthy and organic and working out. My sleep is better-the nightmares have subsided. I decided I would not allow this creep any more power over me. I’m taking it back! And not giving it away ever again. OxD and EB will be very helpful along with many others.
It takes time to heal and time for the pain to lessen. I know how hard it is. I never thought I’d get myself back and although I still have a long way to go I am on the way. And not to my old self but to an improved new self interspersed with positive old self qualities that my x sucked out of me!
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Do what you can each day to take care of yourself. You have a lot of support here at LF.
I’ve been reading the stories on here and I am shocked and appalled at the actions of these sociopaths. It has scared me into looking at my own relationship.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. He’s originally from New York and lived there during the first 4 months of our relationship. It was great though long distance. He works (worked, we’ll get back to that) at this investment company in NYC but, they also have offices in PA, VA, and Delaware. He’s worked there for 5 years. Anyway, he would have meetings in PA a lot and would always take me out before or after his meetings but, also made A LOT of trips to just see me. He also has a few friends and was active in a pretty big non-profit org. down in PA. I actually met him at a banquet thrown by the org. I digress. Fast-forwarding to now, he had been looking to move in a more central location mostly in NJ before he met me. But, decided to move to Philadelphia to be closer to me. He has also started a new job in the area (the commute to NYC is about 2 hrs so, that was a no-go) and is doing pretty well. He is still freelancing at his previous job, though (mostly client dinner meetings, overviewing/checking documents, etc. stuff that can be done online or through the mail.). I come by his job a lot and surprise him with lunch dates and whatnot.
He’s by nature is a private person but, he has never hid anything from me, I always have access to his wallet, mail, phone, car, and his apartment. By the four month mark, I had met his mother, most of his sisters, his aunt, his little brother, some cousins, and a few childhood friends. All seem to have very normal relationships with him. His mother loves me and I have also been introduced and hang out with his main group of friends often as he hangs out with mine.
He’s never asked me for money. If I ask him for money or anything, he always gives it to me. He was pretty aggressive in his pursuit of me. He called me all the time. Never excessively like I’ve read before (eg. 20 times a day….that’s crazy! more like 3 or 4 times.) A few times a day which increased over time and since we were long distance and I was unemployed, it was very easy to stay on the phone all day. He was a bit possessive in the beginning but, no violent or malpultive behavior and he’s relaxed a lot. We are in a nice routine now, we text a couple times a day, talk during his lunch hour and figure out each other’s plans to see if we can grab dinner or a movie, etc. He has admitted that he thinks I’m his soulmate and we have gone ring shopping and he has brought a engagement ring. He hasn’t proposed yet though, I think it’s because I think it’s a bit early for that. Though, I can see myself marrying him in the future. I want to take things a little slower.
Lately, we’ve been having our first really real relationship problem/issue…
There is this lady that has made it her business to break us up so, that I believe she can get with him. She has said everything and done everything from say he was sleeping with her, confronting me, to stalking me, spreading rumors, pretending to be some other woman online, etc but, they are all actions directed at ME and NOT him. There are so many holes in her story and I believe if she was telling the truth at all why would she come after me and not him. I think that she’s crazy and am at a true lost on why she’s centered her craziness on my boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I have had lengthy conversations about her and I’m fed up. I’m an over-thinker so, I worry myself to death. Could he be lying? Yes. If so, he is damn good. But, because I’ve caught her in lies and because of her weird and erratic behavior. I’m prone to believe that my boyfriend isn’t lying.
What do you think? Is she crazy? Or do I need to look at my boyfriend closer?
I’m aggravated and confused, please help???
Dear Diva,.
How did this woman get your phone number, what relationship to him does she have, if any?
Something smells rotten about this sort of thing….
What is wrong with WAITING about your relationship getting more serious—moving in together or marriage?
You say he was a “bit possessive” in the beginniong. What does “a bit possessive” mean?
How old are you and he? Does he have ex wives or GFs that he is still friends with? Or at least “nice to each other?” Kids?
How did you meet him? On line?
The woman stalking you, what does he think about her? Has he spoken to her? Why don’t the three of you have a sit down together and see how that works out?
There’s a stink in there somewhere but I can’t see where—but I would keep my antenna up and go slow. Good luck.
Hello, Ox Drover,
She doesn’t have my number as far as I know, My bf and this woman worked together on several projects/events for the organization I mentioned that he’s involved with. They never worked one on one though and she is also actually the best friend of one of his good friends’ wife. So, they know a lot of the same people and it would be very easy for her to have accumulated a lot of info over time.
Right now, we are waiting and I’m a bit old-fashioned and don’t really believe in living together before marriage. But, we have been sobered by this experience and applied the brakes a bit.
By a bit possessive, I mean he wanted to know where I was going sometimes and with whom. This was always infomation he he volunteered to me about him but, I just don’t work that way. I’m a only child with a mind of her own so, I shut that down pretty quick. I explained that I wasn’t going to stop being me and hanging out with friends and whatnot and he was going to have to trust me. He then relaxed.
I am 25 and he’s just turned 31. He has never been married or have any kids. He was engaged once but, it didn’t work out. And no, he doesn’t have any ex-girlfriends that he still associates with at all.
I met him at a banquet that the organization threw to celebrate it’s 90 anniversary. I am also involved with a similar yet different non-profit and was invited to go to the banquet by an old HS girl friend of mine.
My bf thinks that this lady is crazy and delusional. He hasn’t spoken to her since the initial confrontation. Since, this woman is so vindictive in her actions and words toward me when I have literally haven’t said more than two sentences to her, I don’t think I sit down would work.
Does that clear up things a bit??
Thank you for your well wishes.
Yes, thank you Diva. I lam with you about living together before marriage and in taking it slow. There is a 50% chance in ANY marriage (first) that it will fail, and statistically the longer you have been with someone before marriage and the better “friends” you are the better chance of successful marriage.
For now I would just ignore this woman and if anyone says that she told them X about you, or try to get a conversation going about her just say “oh, I’d rather not talk ab out that” and move on to something else. It is possible she (the other woman) is a NUT case and nothing more.
You say you have met his family and so on so I would see how they treat each other, watch and see how he treats others around him, hohw his friends act around him. Does he have friends that are really CLOSE friends with? That’s a good sign.
It sounds like you have good boundaries and can stand up for yourself! Just always keep your life CAUTIOUS around people and at any sign of illegal, immoral or mean treatment of others, BE CAREFUL. Don’t give your trust away, have others EARN it by treating you well consistently. And, Good luck. Let us know how this turns out in a few months or a year! God bless.
Thank you Ox Drover. I will definitely do that! God Bless you as well! 🙂
Hi Crimson_Diva,
I read your story, understand your distress. It’s a “he said, she said” situation and you don’t know who to trust. You’ve got good history with him, so you’d like to trust him. But the fact that this woman is so adament and persistant is disconcerting.
So for the sake of argument, let’s say that between the two of them, there must be at least one nutcase. We don’t have to go so far as to say “sociopath.” It could be a pathological liar or borderline personality disorder. It doesn’t matter.
You offered a lot of history on his willingness to introduce you to his family and expose you to them. Family is not always tremendously forthcoming when it comes to warning girlfriends and fiances about psychological problems. Because they’re trying to be optimistic that their darling is getting better, or that you might be the magic bullet. At the same, you sound like a sensible, and reasonably cautious person. Do you think you would have noticed if anyone in the family was pussyfooting around him, afraid to set him off, or or that they were a little excessively happy that you were going to take him off their hands?
It’s a little worrisome, as Oxy pointed out, that he’s not on good terms with any previous girlfriend or wife. He’s 31 years old. Where are they?
Likewise that all of your mutual friends and connections appear to be in Pennsylvania. Do you know anything about his friends or social history in New York? Does he go back to visit, talk to people he left behind, plan any trip for the both of you to introduce you to anyone there? If not, that might leave me wondering a bit.
None of these things are dealbreakers, but learning more about his life in New York might be a topic for discussion with him. Likewise, if you’re that friendly with his mother, you might tell her about this nutty woman who’s bothering you and see how she reacts.
The stalking woman is another issue, and one that might actually be easier to figure out. She’s clearly very upset. The question is whether she was emotionally unstable to begin with, or if something really terrible has happened to her. As someone who survived a close encounter with a sociopathic, I can tell you that I could have been mistaken for a certifiable lunatic for quite a while, especially toward the end of that relationships and in the subequent year or two. So just the fact that she’s acting like this isn’t clear evidence that she’s the problem.
Fortunately for you, you have connections — both personal and through your non-profits — with people who have probably known her for a while. Why don’t you make some gentle inquiries. You can say that you had contact with her, and that she seemed very upset. In fact she seemed upset with you. And you don’t know what to make of it. Whether you should be concerned for her, or perhaps worried for yourself.
Obviously, you don’t have to say all those things, but you can see the direction. Gentle probing in ways that express your concern and confusion. And see what you get back.
From my perspective, the really disturbing part about this is that she’s targeted him. And while you may imagine it’s her intention to take him away from you, I think it’s a very odd way to do it. From what you said, it sounds like she thinks he’s been involved with both of you, and she’s hurt and furious, and wants you to go away leave them alone. She must know that you’d discuss it with him. If it wasn’t true, it’s not exactly the usual way a woman tries to seduce a man out a preexisting relationship.
If she’s completely delusional and has fixated on him for some reason, it’s hardly likely that this is the first time. You should be able to find that out.
Finally, I’m with Oxy in suggesting that, until this is sorted out, you need to put any ideas of permanent commitment on the shelf. There is something really wrong here. And if he’s asking you to trust him in this matter and not worry about it, that’s even more of a red flag to me. He should be dealing with this, and in a way that is very transparent to you. Like telling her, in front of you, that he wants her to go away and leave both of you alone.
There are a couple of other things that you mentioned in passing that are also possible red flags. Why did a guy in finance in NYC get involved with an unemployeed woman in another state, and then move there, leaving a good job (that’s not so easy to find in Wall Street these days). Why did he pick you, who seems to be pretty well-connected with socially prominent and probably well-off people? (Maybe that’s what he was really trying to learn, when you thought he was being jealous.) What is this thing about him giving you money, and how are you two handling that situation so that you don’t have vague debts to him that will have to be repaid somehow?
I know I may sound paranoid, but like everyone else here, I know the damage that can be done to the partners of predators. This woman is actually his problem, not yours, and he needs to take care of it. And do it in a way that clarifies that there is no truth in her claims. If there is any truth (because it would have been easy enough for their work on this project to involve some extracurricular activity), then he’s not who you thought he was. And you need to cut your losses immediately, and get him out of your life. (It would be hard, hard, hard, I know. But not as hard as enduring where it goes from there.)
Good luck. I hope that she’s the nut.
Kathy