Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
crimson diva -in fact, she could have had a relationship with him and been treated horribly by him. be VERY careful.
Kathy, some GREAT advice. Sometimes people who give you “gifts” or “help you out” are actually the old “greeks bearing gifts” and will use those gifts to control you—they aren’t really gifts but down payments on control!
You’re right Kathy.
I can see where you’re coming from in a lot of areas.
I can answer some of your questions so, you have more clarity in this matter.
About the family, He’s one of nine children, the 2nd born, and the oldest boy. He has an older sister, 5 sisters after him, then a brother. Another sister and brother. There is definitely a lot going on over there. All born and raised in the city. I’m saying this to say, his family aren’t ones to hold their tongues about anything to anybody. Just aren’t the sugar coating type. They definitely don’t walk on eggshells around him at all. Especially his sisters. One of which moved in with him for about 4 months while she was pregnant with her two kids. That’s sister who I have the best relationship with and she’s told me that I should take it slow because she was married right out of HS and regrets not being able to “enjoy” her young years. Other than that, though they’ve always been straight shooters, the sharers of embarrassing secrets, ridiculous childhood stories, and even serious arguments. I’ve heard it all.
As far as his past relationships, he’s had three serious girlfriends before me. One in high school, one in college, and just one after. He hasn’t had a girlfriend in over 5 years. He was engaged to the college girlfriend (they were together for 5yrs.) He’s just been dating since the last relationship.
We do go to NYC A LOT, to visit family and friends. Events and parties, he maintains his friendships and relationships from there. He’s homesick a lot and has been trying to adjust to the different pace here.
His mother does know about this woman and what she’s doing and she said exactly what you said that it’s his problem and he should be dealing with it.
I have made a few inquiries and have been told that she is currently in psychological counseling (for what I don’t know). And she has always had something off about her. She has been married and divorced twice. And that she scopes out men at this particular organization, apparently she likes the kind of men it attracts. I also know that she is a bit older about 37 and has two sons. Nothing much else.
He has told her in front of me more than once that he is with me and that there is nothing between them.The first time was when she confronted me initially. Another time, he threw a fundraiser party and she shown up with a few of her friends, spreading rumors about him and her. All of which he denied in front of her and other people at the event. He was with me the entire night and after he said his peace to her, he ignored her all together.
And about the job, he really didn’t leave his job because of me. That was solely his decision. We discussed he moving to central jersey to be closer to me and also at the same time shortening his commute between NYC and PA. Though, he lived his job and was good at it. It wasn’t really fulfilling. He was completely over-worked (Imagine, those people who live and die by their blackberries), he was putting in 12 hrs days, only to come home and have yet more work to complete. The pay reflected the work sure but, it wasn’t really worth it. The job, he has now is at a non-profit and allows him to use all his skills (he has 3 degrees and an honorary doctorate) and is fulfilling in the fact he actually helps people, who can’t always help themselves. And the pay isn’t horrible for the position, he holds. Also, when he leaves work, he’s done until he gets in the next morning. He has much more time to volunteer, enjoy, and relax. That is why he chose this job over the other. He decided to move to PA because it’s close to me and then also the job. Also, I was employed when I met him initially. I lost my job shortly after due to state budget cuts. I was a social worker in a correctional facility (believe it or not!) for two years.
And I am the type to earn my own money so, I rarely ask him for money anyway (It just feels uncomfortable). Though, he does pay for all our dates and if we take my car anywhere, the gas. Every now and then, we’ll go shopping at the mall (or take a day trip) and he’ll buy me things as well as himself. That’s it.
I totally understand you’re paranoia and after reading these stories. I am too. I thank you for your insight and I will DEFINITELY keep my eyes open and update you guys on what’s happening. My aim is to take it slow and day by day. I am one of those people who believe that, the truth will be revealed in time. If he is completely innocent, this woman will eventually go away and we’ll be happy. If not, other things or red flags will show up and I’ll see that everything is not as it seems and will have to leave.
Thank you for your well wishes and God Bless!
Crimson_Diva, knowing your profession eases my mind about you. Obviously you’ve been exposed to quite a bit, and must have very good boundaries and the ability to express what you want and don’t want in your life.
You know, as a matter of professional interest, you might get a lot from a book called “Women Who Love Psychopaths.” It’s based on the only large-scale study (75 women) that’s ever been done. The profile of these women is not what you’d expect.
The book also includes one of the best descriptions I’ve ever read about how these relationship develop and why they do so much damage. If you’re going to be working with dangerous people, these are things you probably ought to know.
The second edition is available in print and e-book at http://www.womenwholovepsychopaths.com/. There are no reviews on it on Amazon, but you’ll find some reviews of the first edition there. You’ll see the kind of enthusiasm it generates and why it won a Readers Choice award.
Good luck with everything. It does sound like you have every reason to not make a snap decision. I hope it works out.
Kathy
Dear Diva,
As Kathy suggested, there are some great books on educating yourself on psychopaths (or personality disordered individuals in general) and I would recommend to start with Dr. Bob Hare’s “Without Conscience” and the other one he co-authored, “Snakes in Suits, when sociopaths go to work”
As we (here at least) well know psycho/socio-paths are not only the Ted Bundys of this world, but also the CEO of Enron or Bernie Maddoff or the doctor next door. Our parents, our spouses, our offspring.
Having a mental health profession will not make you immune to being conned by these people, Dr. Liane Leedom is a perfect example. There are many people here with professional mental health or health degrees who are serial victims….I’m one of them.
I have had many psychopaths in my life starting with parents, that apparently I had an invisible flashing neon sign readable only by psychopaths that said “EASY VICTIM, NO WAITING IN LINE!”
At times It is painful even to admit to MYSELF that I was such an EASY MARK!
When I felt so vulnerable and realized I had been an EASY mark, it terrified me that I would be victimized AGAIN. I lived in FEAR and TERROR, not so much of them but of my own lack of being able to protect myself. It wasn’t so much the trust in others I lost as I lost trust in myself to keep myself safe from unsafe people.
Now I am CAUTIOUS but do NOT live in terror or fear! I can trust myself because I no longer GIVE away my trust to others. Others who want my trust must earn it with consistently good behavior not only toward me but toward others as well in a wide variety of situations.
I do not tolerate dishonesty in any form. One lie and they are out! It sounds like you have pretty good boundaries and the back bone to express them.
I do wonder a bit though why you chose THIS particular forum to ask your question though? What is it about this whole thing that makes your instincts want to know—what is wrong with this picture?
Those are good books, Oxy, but actually what I had in mind was giving Diva a resource to understand the peculiar truth that our strengths are what make us vulnerable in dealing with a certain type of person.
Because she works with criminals, especially as a kind of service provider they might want to exploit, it might be useful for her to understand how this works. And for her to grasp the “arc” of how these relationships develop and ultimately become toxic.
I was trying to think of something that would be useful for her, both in her work and possibly in her personal life. Because we all, sooner or later, encounter these people and find ourselves attracted to them. Because it is their business to be attractive to us.
I also thought it might give her some tools for sorting things out in her own mind, and feeling a little more confident in doing so. Because this book is really about relationships.
The thing about relationships with sociopaths is that they’re really different from other relationships. It is something that we might discover from what we see in their behavior. But we might not, because it in their interest to keep recruiting us and seducing us to their perspective, rather than holding onto our own.
More than what we see, we can know these relationships by how we feel. Emotionally isolated. Repeatedly pressured to accept what we don’t want to accept. Diminished. Confused. Self-doubting. Feeling like we can’t make decisions or manage our own lives. Obsessively attached to our dreams related to these people, and emotionally dependent on their attention.
I think it’s really helpful to know that, no matter how well they seem to be treating us, that sociopaths don’t care about us. Except in terms of what they can get from us. They don’t care how we feel. How we experience life. Or whether we live or die, except in terms of our usefulness to them.
Even if we don’t see that coldness fully unmasked until the end of a relationship, knowing that’s the nature of a sociopath may help us judge smaller things that happen in the course of the relationship. Like them simply not understanding certain things — like our need to talk about our feelings, or find resolution for things that hurt us. Or our concern for other people. Or our need for security or normalcy in our lives. Or our resistance to schemes that exploit other people.
There are a lot of hints that something is seriously wrong with a person’s emotional system, if you understand that there is a type of person who simply doesn’t feel for other people and doesn’t have any idea of the meaning community or mutual trust. They can fake love. They even fake cooperation, when it suits them. But it’s work for them, and they can’t do it all the time. Their real feelings of entitlement, greed and satisfaction in other poeple’s suffering and loss eventually bleed through.
And this is information that I think Diva could use. Because it provides principles to reason with. We’re all self-interested, but most of us are also compassionate. So we balance the two aspects. We think everyone is like us. But if we understand that a certain percentage of the people we meet don’t have the compassionate piece, that their lives are strictly about them and what they want, no matter what the cost to anyone else, it helps that little lightbulb in our brains go on faster. And keeps us safer and smarter.
It also helps us react appropriately to what I call “sociopathic transactions.” Which may just be encounters, rather than full-blown relationships, but which nevertheless put us at risk of being hurt, being taken advantage of or being recruited into something that is against our values or best interest.
I think she’s doing great in communicating her feelings and setting boundaries about what she is and isn’t willing to have in her life. But I also think this book may reinforce those skills, and help her understand why they are so important.
I hope this makes sense.
Kathy
Last year, my aunt received a phone call at 8:00 p.m. on a Saturday night from one of the members of her church congregation.
This woman told my aunt that she needed $800 right away because she was in legal trouble, and promised to pay the $$ back.
Of course, my aunt said “yes”, because she was a member of her church.
My aunt places a lot of value on her church.
Anyway, long story short, the woman was there within 15 minutes to pick up her check…….and my aunt never got paid back.
She never even told me about this until 4 months AFTER the fact, because she was so ashamed and embarrassed.
That’s what infuriates me is that these socios take advantage of the elderly, and then these old people are afraid to say anything afterwards.
Well, as it turned out, my aunt is not the only member of the church who got conned out of money by this woman…who has a severe gambling addiction, by the way.
It was brought to the pastor’s attention that this woman was conning church members, and he sat down and talked to her about it.
Afterwards, the pastor told my aunt that the woman’s facial expression was blank the whole time he was talking to her, telling her she would have to pay back the church members she took money from.
As you have probably already figured out, none of the church members have been paid back.
And this con-artist woman is still attending the church.
She even serves communion and reads scripture from time to time.
Anyway, the “sociopathic transaction” that my aunt had with this woman only took about 30 minutes.
But, it cost my aunt $800.
And the lingering effect is that she has to see her in church every Sunday….adding insult to injury.
My aunt cannot get past the fact that this woman has no remorse for what she did.
She even hired a lawyer who wrote a letter to the con artist, telling her she needs to repay the money in hopes of “scaring her” into repaying the money…..no dice, of course.
My aunt never wrote “loan” on the check, so there is no legal obligation to repay the money.
It’s treated as a gift, and does not have to be repaid.
I told my aunt that she is never going to get her money back, and to stay away from the con artist….and stop wasting money on lawyers who can do NOTHING.
I also told her if she ever gets a phone call like that again, she should call me FIRST and I will be right over.
Once again, I could just scream.
Rosa,
My sister calls these things “expensive housekeeping lessons.” I’m sorry your aunt feels embarrassed. She was only behaving as though she could trust the woman. And then she learned she couldn’t. There was no way she could have known, and I imagine the church community is generally mutually supportive.
A great environment for a sociopath to exploit. And the damage to the community can be substantial, because the lack of trust or the conflicts about how to handle it can become divisive issues.
I was just on Sandra Brown’s site (http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/) and saw the she sells a CD for church leadership. If it were something about educating people about what to watch out for, and how to support each other in NOT enabling sociopaths, it might be a good thing to give her minister.
Kathy
Kathy I was NOT recommending she NOT READ YOUR BOOK recommendation, but that she ADD to her reading list with Without conscience and snakes in suits to GIVE HER A BASIC WELL ROUNDED PICTURE OF BOTH VICTIMS AND PERPS. in various settings.
Rosa I got caught in one of those “Housekeepinfg” scores before I retried. a nurse asked for a small amount, then paid it back, then a larger amount next time which was never back. Afterward I was told she did that with all new nurses on the unit.
I also noticed she had 40 dollar mannicure, had her hair done professionally etc.—-I think she must have justified it by saying “well, they are RNs” they make more money than I do they cdan afford it!
I know, Oxy. And I didn’t mean to toss off your recommendations. I just had a specific intention in recommending it, and I wanted to explain it.