Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Some states usually have a verbal p;rovision for loans being made, and will enforce these if the lender is abgle to make a n oral case.
Rosa, that just fries my hide that this church con woman is still going to the church,she should be in jail, if I was your aunt I would stand up in front of the whole congregation and tell what happened…just like my daughter in laws pastor several years ago he robberd 6 banks to pay for his prostitutes, not to mention stealing money from the church members, he only got 4 years in the pen because he never used a weapon when he robbed the banks, he just handed them a note that said ‘give me the money and you will not be hurt’…i met this pastor a few years before he robbed the banks and i knew he was a fake, no eye contact, weak handshake, and he had his litttle flock of fools giving their hard earned money to him so he could get laid…and yes my DIL was and is one of their fools bless her narrow minded little heart….
People have been using the trust gained through religion to con others since time began. Even Jesus was furious at the ones selling stuff in the Temple, who had turned it into a STOCK YARD! So none of this is anything new.
Sure it makes us very very angry to see people do this and that they get away with it. I agree, Henry, that they should TAKE IT UP BEFORE the entire congregation. That is what the apostle Paul siad to do and what Jesus himself said to do. Speak to them alone at first, then with a witness, and then before the church. They should not continue to do this kind of thing and get away with it. Silence is NOT golden! It is chit colored!
Exactly correct, Oxy! Speak to them in private first & then if there’s no hint of repentance, take it before the church!
Dear Whyme,
The problem also comes when the ENTIRE church is corrupt! (I’m speaking of one congregation here or even an entire denomination)
Each of us must have an INDIVIDUAL relationship to our faith, as well as a community relationship. I think Jesus made it quite clear that various “denominations” can be wrong in total, as the Pharisees of the Jewish religion were corrupt both individually and a group. They had become the “ruling elite” but they were corrupt morally and religiously but also politically and would literally try to hire FALSE testemony to get Jesus himself crucified. That’s pretty corrupt any way you look at it. All because he criticized their coprruption and they were afraid to be found out publicly.
Unfortunately, in my case, the congregation my egg donor and I attended REFUSED to listen to me, but instead HAPPILY listened to a self admitted SEX ABUSER EX-CONVICT (though he did lie about the age of the girls, first there were 3, not 1, and secondly one was 9 and 11, and the oldest 14, not 17 as he said) but they GLADLY believed his lies, while totally disbelieving my TRUTH…until my DIL and the Trojan Horse sex offender tried to kill my son C, but they when the DIL from her jail cell said “Oh, I shouldn’t have done it, but OXY MADE ME DO IT BECAUSE SHE IS SO MEAN TO ME!” They swallowed that too.
The whole thing was mean Old Oxy’s problem after all, let’s crucify her and everything will be hunky dorey!
That kind of “religious” behavior is seen all over the globe, though. Look at the Tony Alamo thing with the mothers and fathers giving their 9 year old daughters to him as multiple wives. One girl finally ESCAPED, literally ran for her life,but one person, actually one couple, took this child in and got her to safety where someone would BELIEVE HER and protect her.
She was ALONE in her knowledge that this was WRONG and NOT from GOD, even though her parents, Alomo him self, and her “co wives” –EVERYONE in her WORLD thought she was crazy.
Just as olly a very few people believed a word that Jesus said, and for a while not even his family, his mother and brothers, but we must VALIDATE OURSELVES even when no one is validating us. THAT’S THE HARDEST PART.
To pick up my soul and leave that “church” to find God was the hardest part of the entire journey. To pick up and leave my DNA to FIND FAMILY was just as difficult. It was scary, probably the scarriest thing I have ever done, but I don’t regret it in the least now! In the process, I found God, family and found myself!
Did your ex (spath) or current spath, try to tell you how to spend your money (i.e., from a divorce settlement or from a law suit settlement that you won, or from your family inheritance)? Mock you when you were trying to get your self esteem back, and when you were trying to build back your image (got a new haircut, or grew out your hair to beautifully long, to a salt-and-pepper braid, now proud of your age, and that you earned every silver hair on your head)? Mock you when you bought that beautiful Peruvian opal beads, at a bead show you both attended? Ordered something from JGem.com or JTV.com (where he mocks the JTV announcer: “Let’s see table #13! Call now, or you’ll miss out?”), and it arrived, for your OWN BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO YOURSELF? Get out now, if he is doing his, before it is TOO LATE! If he does this..for example, you let him know you bought something pricey (though you seldom buy such things, and have waited YEARS for something that beautiful), and he mocks you for it, it only causes you later to close off from him, to not be open about what you like or dislike, after he has you feeling ASHAMED for wanting something special that makes you feel beautiful when you wear it? Accuses YOU of “hoarding” when, meanwhile, he might own 17 electric guitars for HIS “toys” (and HE’s not guilty of “hoarding”? Common now!) GET OUT NOW!
Hi everybody..after finding this site and reading the blogs I am 100% sure that my on again off again bf is an spath. I met him 3 years ago online on a normal dating site. I had just moved to a new area by myself for a job and when I met him I thought it was too good to be true and he said that he felt the same way. It was so great. Everything was perfect, especially our intimacy. I felt a stronger connection emotionally and physically with him than I had ever felt with anyone before and he again said that he felt the same. I kind of just thought that he was a shy, extremely good looking guy that for some reason everybody always treated like shit. I thought we were meant for each other and I didn’t care that things moved so fast because it seemed so right. It was great for about 2 months until the lies and games started. All of the things he did are the same as the things that everybody else has described on this site. Behind my back he managed to meet a girl on a porn type dating site. I had no idea. I eventually found out by looking at his phone records and speaking to the girl. He told her all of the same exact things that he had told me…he had even told her that he was going to marry her at the same location that he had said he wanted to marry me. When I confronted him he “lovebombed” me and I even took him back after that. He now forbids me to contact her b/c he says she is a nasty part of his past and that she has no place in our future. He blames all of his issues on his mother for never approving of anything that he has ever done. I fall for it and try to help him get past that. Nothing ever works. He still talks to the other girl no matter what he says, plus others, who he claims are just friends but I know for a fact that they are more than just friends. He says that he likes to talk to other girls to get different perspectives on things. He will tell me that he loves me and that he just needs to clear his head and that he needs a little space but that ultimately he wants us to work out. Half the time when I call he does not answer but then has some ridiculous lie..he was just driving around and didn’t hear his phone, or his screen froze and he couldn’t answer, or his phone accidentally got put into airplane mode. He makes me feel that I am crazy. Things will be good for a week…and then he will decide that he can’t get past the fact that I had spoken to that other girl about him…and he says he has to walk away because he has to get rid of all of his past. I try to explain to him that my actions (speaking to her) were reactions to what he did but he won’t hear it! It is my fault. He says that he wants to start over fresh with somebody new who knows nothing about him….but then…an hour or two later…he will call and say that he didn’t mean what he said. He loves me and he never gave us a fair chance and if it is the last thing he will do, he will get rid of everyone else so that he and I can work things out bc he loves me so much. The next day…he is m.i.a. with some excuse. This is so hard for me because I am very good friends with the girlfriends of his friends and also some of his family members so the no contact thing is almost impossible. The longest I have gone has been maybe a month if that and he started texting again and sucked me back in instantly. He has shown up crying and has even manipulated other people to help him get me back. He told me that he was better and that he had changed and cleared his head. He can come over and lay on my couch with me and make me feel so loved again and I just want it to last but I know it won’t. He has gone off and been with other girls but he says he knew it was wrong but that he does not like to see anyone that he has been with be with anybody else and that if he did find out that I was with someone else that he would never take me back and be ok with that. I have been to counseling. My counselor, family and friends, even his family tell me to get away from him and cut him off…but I can’t seem to do it. He even went to the counselor with me 4 different times but it made no difference..he lied to the counselor and stopped going and just fell back into his normal cycle of hello goodbye hello goodbye. He is ruining my life and I am letting him but I just don’t know what to do. I want to believe him so badly when he sounds so sincere and I think, maybe just maybe one of these days he will realize that he just loves me and that I am enough for him…and after reading everything on here, I know that is never going to happen but I can’t seem to accept it. There have been many days when he wasn’t around that I have just thought I would be better off dead than having to deal with this. I would never hurt myself but sometimes I feel like I will never find what I thought I had with him with anybody else and I never will even know if that is the case since I continue to let him jerk me around. Right now, he said the other day that he was going to walk away from me again but after that he said he didn’t want to stop talking to me. There is never any closure one way or the other..always open ended. Now, he has lost his job, is still living with his parents, lies to me continuously, is a financial disaster, does not care if I am an absolute wreck b/c of what he has done to me…Why would I even want this guy??? I can’t even answer that myself..but I take him back everytime. I tell people that they could never understand unless they lived it…but people are starting to think that I have a real problem b/c I put up with this. This is a neverending nightmare and I don’t know how to wake up from it.
One more thing…he makes me feel like so much of what happened and why we haven’t worked out has been my fault..so sometimes, even though I know logically that none of it is my fault, I find myself trying to rationalize and plead with him to forgive me bc I can’t stand it when he shuts me out. This is the worst situation that I have ever been in EVER. I never cheated on him or did anything to deserve any of this. I was 100% faithful to him and still am. :/ I feel like I am now crazy because of all of this.
Dear Broken pieces,
You do have a problem my dear!!!! You are listening to what you want to hear from him, and ignoring what you KNOW to be the truth.
I’m glad you found this site because it is only you who can fix the situation, and the only way you can fix it is to do as your family and friend and even his family and this is to get away from him.
He IS THE LIE—he will NOT STOP lying, and I know it hurts because as you said “I want to believe him so badly when he sounds so sincere and I think, maybe just maybe one of these days he will realize that he just loves me and I am enough for him” but HE IS INCAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE, he is using you all for his sexual gratification and for fun in manipulating you all.
You have two choices, one is stay with him and know that things will never get better….or leave and know that things will be painful for a while, but they WILL get better.
There are lots of good people here who have been in the same shoes and we are coming out of the pain and torment, but only by getting away from the abuser (and what he is doing to you IS ABUSE OF THE WORST KIND!) can we start to heal. Take back your power! and Welcome!!! There is support and understanding here. God bless.
ps…you are not crazy, you ARE BROKEN, but you can fix yourself!!!! It is not your fault. His behavior is what he CHOOSES to do because he enjoys it that way. (((hugs))))