Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
But DON’T let the “announcement” get you back into a 20 time back and forth email exchange.
Just say, “for my well being, I need to have NO Contact with you.” Please respect my wishes. I will NOT respond to ANY further emails.”
I agree that knowing what he’s up to is just NOT a good thing for us.
Dear stillhavemysoul,
Did you really want to send that and cut if off with him or did you do it because you had no other choice because of how his actions were affecting you? I know I have to but it is so hard to actually send that. I keep looking at my phone for the flashing green light that means I have a message..I pray that maybe he will just never send me anything again and just go away so i don’t have to go through this but i know that light on my phone is going to flash and he will start and I have to end it. This is probably the worst and hardest part. I wish I could cut out the part of my brain that still feels any love for him…morbid perhaps but I think that alot lol. I am glad that you are doing better since you have gone almost a week 🙂 that is so awesome but probably so hard at the same time.
Dear Brokenpieces,
I agree with SHMS, send him one text or e mail and say just what she said. “For my own well being I must not continue contact with you, please respect my wishes.”
Then, IGNORE ALL FURTHER communications from him. Block his e mails, texts, do not listen to phone or voice mails, if that is not possible, just delte without listening.
The thing about NO contact is that YOU are in control. So if he contacts you and you listen and YOU go ahead and have contact with him, it is NOT HIM THAT IS DOING IT, IT IS YOU ALLOWING IT.
If you stick with NO contact, YOU HAVE CONTROL and he has no control. He may react to no contact with INCREASED ATTEMPTS to have contact, because it is ONLY THROUGH CONTACT that he has CONTROL of you….but it is only through YOU ALLOWING CONTACT that you GIVE HIM CONTROL– so the ball is on your side of the net now–you either allow him control or you take it back for yourself.
When you continue contact you are allowing him to treat you poorly, to lie to you, etc. YOUR CHOICE.
It was very difficult for me to give up that my BF wasn’t going to change, wasn’t going to be truthful or true—but contact with him only made it worse. With no contact, it hurts at first to know there will be NO contact, but it lets your mind shut down from the continual anxiety about what the next hurt will be from him. Kind of like an addict finally coming down off the last high—but it does get better, and continues to get better! So hang on for the roller coaster ride, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! (((hugs))))
Dear Ox Drover and SHMS,
Thank you…I know I just said in my last post that I pray he doesn’t send anything…but actually, I take that back. I hope that he does send something…anything…so that way I can be the one in control…I don’t want to text him first because he might not write anything back and i will be hanging once again. He has had control of me for so long now, I want him to contact me this one last time so I can then to be the one to cut him off once and for all and win the game…since that is all I was to him was a player in his game of lies.
Thank you both 🙂
Ox Drover, The last paragraph that you wrote about it being very difficult to give up that he wasn’t going to change has been me this whole time…it will hurt me terribly to know that there will be no more contact but i have to do this on my own terms for once even though it will hurt and I will be sad. He is not going to change and I am wasting my life waiting for him. You say it gets better and continues to get better so that makes me feel a lot better about all of this.
Caring people on this forum that don’t even know me are helping me through one of the worst times that I have had in my life. Makes me realize that there still are normal, nice people in this world and that not everybody is a spath who wants to hurt me.
Dear Brokenpieces,
It DOES get better, but not overnight, and there will be ups and downs in it as well. Google Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She was a wonderful researcher on the grief process. It doesn’t have to be just about death, but it is about LOSS of something, even a fantasy, which is what the loss is with the psychopaths, we are losing the FANTASY of what we thought we had in them…but the LOSS is real even if what we lost wasn’t. If that makes sense.
Roller coaster and up and down is normal to this grief process, so learn aobut it and knowing what is going on with your heart, mind and head as well as emotions and knowing it is normal and it will pass and change and ultimately get better will HELP.
We stay in that bargaining stage for sooooo long, trying to figure out a way to get him to change and it doesn’t work so we try the next thing until we are worn out, beaten down, broken into pieces.
If he does not contact you, that is okay too…you will still have your CLOSURE. Also the only closure we get is what we make ourselves, and that is okay too. Plus, be assured that even if he doesn’t contact you for 1-2 years even you will most likely hear back from him when yhou least expect it because that is what they do, when they are out of “supply” they go back and look at old sources of supply to pick back up for a while until thye can move on again. predictable!!!!
Keep on reading and learning and you will get stronger. One step at a time, one day at a time. Keep on coming here for support as well! (((Hugs))))
Dear Ox Drover,
What you said: “It doesn’t have to be just about death, but it is about LOSS of something, even a fantasy, which is what the loss is with the psychopaths, we are losing the FANTASY of what we thought we had in them”but the LOSS is real even if what we lost wasn’t”…makes 100% sense to me and is so true. Oddly enough, It almost made it easier to deal with how he has treated me when i was thinking to myself that he was crazy…but I noticed on the home page of this site it says that these spaths are not crazy…what are they then if they are not crazy?
Dear Brokenpieces,
“Crazy” is a term meaniing “out of touch with reality”—like SEEING thunder and HEARING Colors or hearing voices that tell you the guys from Mars are out to get you…but a psychopath KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG, they are in touch with reality. They know that they are wrong to lie, cheat and steal but they just DO NOT CARE. They don’t connect with other humans as humans, we are “objects” to them.
They learn to FAKE (say the words) “love” but they don’t really “get” that love is an action not just a word. If you “love” your kids you feed them, house them, not beat them or starve them. If you love someone you do not cheat, lie and steal from them. You are responsible and keep your word.
A psychopath sees others as possessions rather than a connection as well. “You can’t leave me, you bitch, I’ll kill you” and it is all about CONTROL with them. They want to control everything about you.
Of course there are the serial killer psychopaths and the ones who are just “cheats” and Liars, but one thing they all have in common is lying any time it suits them. NO remorse, no conscience, and they will never change because they see no need to….you are the one with the problems, not them.
Learning about them, how they think, how they act and why (there is a big genetic component to it as well!) is the START of healing, but before it is done, you will start to learn about YOURSELF as well. Why did you tolerate this kind of behavior toward yourself? My guess is that you,, like many of us, need to learn to set boundaries about how we will allow others to treat us. We deserve to be treated well, but we will be treated well by people if we insist that we are treated well.
If we allow others to treat us poorly some of them will take advantage of this and treat us poorly. We do not have to allow this. We should not allow this. That doesn’t mean we are responsible for how they treated us, they are, but we are responsible for allowing it to continue.
Crap on me once, shame on you, crap on me twice, shame on ME!
There is light, hope and life at the end of the dark tunnel! So don’t get sidetracked!!!! God bless ((Hugs)))
Day 1 of no contact was not too bad bc he didn’t try to contact me at all. Figures when I am waiting for him to send something so I can create my own closure and tell him not to contact me again…he doesn’t. I get nervous when he just stops like this because I don’t know what is coming next and I sit here and dwell on when I will hear from him or if he will show up here. I managed not to send him one thing all day but that does not mean that even a second has gone by that I have not been thinking about it. I realize that with him my emotions have always overpowered my logic but I feel that my logic is a little more in control now although it is a terrible battle. I have been on this site reading all night. So many of the posts sounded like I had written them myself. He has torn my heart right out of my chest and stomped on it and spit on it for good measure. I have read in some other posts on diff blogs that spaths are scared of the word goodbye. That is true with mine as well. I once told him” goodbye forever “and that is when he tried the hardest to break back through and of course he succeeded. He is playing a little game with me today by not calling or texting and It is really getting to me bc he knows what he is doing and he is doing it intentionally to hurt me and I hate him for it. For some reason I guess deep down that bc I have been the constant one in his life for 3 years when he has gotten rid of others I think that there must be something about me that he can’t or doesn’t want to let go of but I know it doesn’t matter bc if he loved me there would not have been others. I just have to keep telling myself that he is just a fictional character. All a lie. Not real. It is crazy to me that on a day when I don’t even hear from him at all I am still on the roller coaster all day. Say for example he really did change..I know he cant and wont..but just say he did..I would still be miserable and anxious everytime he was out of my sight bc I would never believe him no matter how much he claimed to have changed. Too much damage has been done but that doesn’t make it any easier. I could scream right now. Sorry for the pity party post. I did this instead of sending him something nasty.