Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Shabby,
Yup they sucked the happiness out of us. I wish someone who has “recovered” would get on here and tell their story. Someone like Donna, who is in a happy relationship. There’s just WAY too many of us trying to tell the rest of us, how “happy” we are on our own. DON’T GET ME WRONG, there is NOTHING wrong with being on your own AND happy about it. I’m just saying that I think there is a nagging feeling within many of us, that we’ll never love again. So it would be nice to hear from someone who has and is happy now and in a loving relationship.
Peace Sisters.
I’m struggling today/tonight
I’ve been doing better for the last week…..even feeling up enough to offer others advice. Who am I kidding. I still don’t believe 100% he is a sociopath. Since he never yelled at me, never called me names, never beat me, didn’t have the eyes/stare….then he must not have been. Nevermind everything that he did do!!!! Nevermind every other characteristic that he does have…in spades!!!!
And then I remember things that just kinda pop into my head as something that I thought was strange or unexpected at the time and now I see it as absolute lack of empathy. This is what hit me today. I was molested as a child. It was very short term but I NEVER told anyone. During our relationship I decided to tell him. I remember telling him that I’d never told anyone but I wanted him to know. Is response was almost a non reaction. I’m really sorry that happened to you. And then we moved on to the next topic. No real discussion. I was surprised that he didn’t have a more sympathetic reaction but then I thought maybe he didn’t want to upset me.
I guess I still remember the feeling of love. I felt so loved. For so long I felt loved. He didn’t change until he moved away from me…until he left to go start a new life for us. He was understanding, emotionally generous, supportive for 10 months….and then he became so distant/so different…not the man I loved. But i didn’t live with THAT man day to day. I only saw him for short periods of time. I lived day in day out with the one I thought was wonderful.
Now I know all the lies he told. I know that you don’t lie to, steal from, and cheat on someone you love. But then I hear that voice inside tell me that he just didn’t love me…not loving me doesn’t make him a sociopath…stupid maybe (hehe) but not a sociopath.
Oh one day I just want to believe it!!! How I want to believe it!!!!!
Just exhausted by it all!!!! Sad but not crying my eyes out. I miss him…why do I miss him???? (now I’m crying…errrrrr)
At least I’ve stayed NC….I guess it is easier when I finally pissed him off enough that he doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. He has her…he doesn’t need me anymore!
I can do this….
Dear SHMS,
I love that “don’t just learn to function in your dysfunction” YEP!!! I did that for SO long and I thought I was healing, but actually I was FUNCTIONING IN MY DYSFUNCTION! That sums it up COMPLETELY! TOTALLY!!!
I am now, JUST NOW at age 63, almost 64, learning to get out of the DYS-function and to LIVE LIFE the way it should be…in the NOW and in peace and joy, not just enduring the pain. I’m actually HEALING this time, but won’t ever get to the grandiose feeling that I am THERE and don’t need to continue to learn and GROW!
I think what got me into REPEATED trouble with REPEATED relationships with a series of psychopaths is I learned to FUNCTION IN THE DYSFUNCTION.
WOW, my entire life in ONCE SENTENCE! Thanks so much.
Sometimes I wonder why I am still here at LF daily for three years…and now I KNOW WHY I AM STILL HERE AT LF EVERY DAY (just about) IT IS BECAUSE I KEEP LEARNING NEW THINGS AND SOME DAYS, ARE SIMPLY GOLDEN!!!
I need to ponder this one….Thanks again! ((Hugs))))
Dear Stolen Innocence,
Whew! You said a mouthful, and you know what, it doesn’t matter if he is a sociopath or just a JERK—he does not love you or he would not have treated you the way he did.
He is TOXIC. He is a LIAR. You deserve BETTER. Yep, he fooled you, but you got the PRIZE, and she got the BOOBY PRIZE. She will only live to regret him and you are going to be healing…I won’t tell you it is easy or short, but you ARE making progress toward a goal. She is walking deeper into the abyss.
Keep on NC believe me it will be worth it!!! (((Hugs)))
Ah Stolen,
I hear the voices in your head. You are right, “not loving you” does NOT
“make him a sociopath.” BUT, lying and cheating and being a bastard does. DECENT people DON’T do that to others. EVEN those they don’t love anymore.
And of course there’s the part about them being oh so flippin happy with someone new. That part is VERY tough to swallow. But you know, we just miss them most because we allowed ourselves to create our identity through them. We were “their girl”. That’s who were. We were HIS.
MANY of us had full fledged lives and identities before he came along. But when he walked in the door, we just became “his girl” and nothing else mattered. Now we are Nobody’s Girl, so we think we are nothing because of it.
As much as I can spout about it all, I’m still in a fog. Mostly because the only way I’m coping is to do things that are good for me and hoping the feelings will catch up….All while telling myself that he was mean to me, unkind, cruel. Is that the guy you’d describe as the “man of your dreams”?
Life will turn. I know it will. I’m patient. I’m just accepting what is and believing that God wants me to be happy. I share my secret negativity here, so I don’t feel alone about it and perhaps others won’t either. But all in all, I know what needs to be done and I’m doing it and I’m not beating myself up because I’m not happy yet. It will come because I have faith that it will.
Pray Sisters. It’s important to pray and to tell the Universe you trust it and if you just let go and let God, recovery will be easier. Not to mention FASTER! LOL
Thanks Ox…
I guess I just want to accept it and believe it because then I would know that there wasn’t anything else I could have done to help him. There was nothing else I could have done to save us and make it work because he is not fixable. He wouldn’t change if we had gone to therapy. He wouldn’t have changed if she hadn’t shown up.
My mom is amazing!!! She has the most amazing mixture of strength and love and reminds me that he did abuse me. He emotionally abused me for months with threats and angry words. He just does it by email and text instead of verbally. She always plants me back in reality…I’m so blessed!!
I KNOW his history NOW. I know he uses people, girls, family, business partners to get what HE wants…regardless of the effect on them. It is always about what he wants. I just have this deep need to KNOW beyond any doubt that he really isn’t going to change for anyone…there really isn’t anything I could have done different that would have helped him change, nothing that I could have done that would have taught him how to love.
Someone told me the other day….you can’t see the forest for the trees…listen to us we are on the outside…we see it clearly.
I do know that I didn’t deserve what he did to me. On my worst day I didn’t deserve it. I guess that is enough for today.
Oxy,
I saw Jane Fonda on Oprah too. Gotta love T-VO!
Jane Fonda had a LOT of great insight. And OH MY GOD, can you BELIEVE how she looks at 72!
I thought it was funny how Oprah talked about how important exercise is. I somehow don’t think Oprah is exercising.
SHMS
Thanks!!! You are right. He didn’t even have to work at isolating me. I enjoyed the magic so much i let it happen without a fight. I did become his girl. And honestly I loved it. I thought he was the man I had prayed for for 35 years. I thought it was normal to let him seemingly take over all my time. I did lose myself in him…and he knew it!
Now I know better!!
It is getting better….day to day!!!
Saying my prayers for all of us!!!
stolen_innocence, I am sorry you are struggling so much today, I also have good days and bad days. It is exhausting! I wish I could turn off my brain!– I’ve been telling the thoughts to stop, that’s right, there are 2 of me in here and the I/ME is going to win… not the thoughts in my brain. I wish I had an answer to make the pain go away… I wish there was a way to speed up the healing process. You can do this, I can do this, we’re all going to do it together. Love you! 😀
Guys, the “doing what is right” BECAUSE it is right, not because we even want to do it, but just BECAUSE it is right is what we have to do.
Just like the addict that does what is RIGHT and doesn’t go get a fix even if they want one so bad their teeth are on edge is what makes them take control of their lives again and NOT let the DESIRES for things that are harmful over take them.
Lindsay Lohan and her “this is a disease and I’m trying” carp is just that BS–she isn’t trying she is giving in and using “trying” for an EXCUSE.
I have “given in” to my desires where the Ps were/are concerned, and every time I did it bit me in the arse. EVERY TIME. I knew better most of the time and I knew I was making a mistake, but I didn’t want to do what I KNEW WAS RIGHT (where my P- X BF was concerned) and as for the other Ps, well, I OVERLOOKED the bad behavior, I gave in to my DESIRE to keep the peace, to make them love me by “doing” for them. When actually I was ENABLING them to keep on abusing me.
DUH! I had to start out to MAKE MYSELF DO WHAT WAS RIGHT even when I didn’t want to. It isn’t EASY, and I won’t say it is, but the EMOTIONS follow the ACTIONS.
I wanted revenge against some of them and I would lay on my bed at night and in fantasy come up with horrible things to do to them….but it wasn’t RIGHT, and I had to MAKE myself stop those thoughts, because the thoughts were harming ME NOT THEM.
I even prayed for them because the Bible says “pray for those that persecute you”—I wrote the words, and read them aloud and I DID NOT MEAN A WORD OF IT. I did NOT want God to bless them…I wanted Him to rain down lightening on their heads and fire and brimstone. I knew that God knew I didn’t mean a word of it, but eventually I came to mean the words I said, because I made myself do what I knew was right.
I still have to fight the bitterness, and maybe I always will have to, but the TERROR is gone, the worst of the venom is out of MY soul, and I am doing better. FEELING better, because I made myself do what is right!
I just finished a stressful episode where the attorney and I worked toward getting my P-son’s parole request denied. It is JUSTICE not revenge, because it is RIGHT for him to stay in prison…it is where he needs to be. Sure, I want him to stay there forever for the things he has done. He deserves prison for the murder, he deserves to pay for the life of the young woman he killed, but he is there because he EARNED that sentence. He has NOT repented, he has not reformed, he is proud of what he is and what he has done. That is JUSTICE, that is the law, and I trust that whatever happens is God’s will, and if per chance he gets out, I will deal with that when it happens in whatever way is RIGHT for me.
Letting them abuse us is NOT right, it is NOT good, it is not beneficial to us or to them. Taking care of ourselves is RIGHT, even if others think or say that it isn’t. We have a moral compass, and we should use it for our own benefit and for the benefit of others. Even Jesus and St. Paul advised us to treat an unrepentant person as a heathen and not even to eat with them. To judge a tree by its FRUITS—the ACTIONS that we can SEE with our own eyes. If the fruit is rotten, so is the “Tree.”
Even if you are not a believer, the Bible has some good lessons in how to live a good life. Psychology 101–stay away from bad guys for your own sake. NC –Do what is right and good, wise and kind, but that doesn’t mean be a door mat for the evil ones to wipe their feet on.