Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Ox Drover,
Thanks for the most recent post – it was helpful to read.
Hi all,
I’m new to this site and must say its been a great help to me since my S ex ran away and left me to mop up after him. To cut a long story short, I met him on Facebook (I know..big mistake!!), and then it went from there.
HOOKED
Basically I thought I’d found “the One”..he was unlike the others I’d been with in the past..sensitive, we could talk for hours, he was caring, couldn’t do enough for me, you name it, I thought the sun shone out of him..didn’t realise that all the flattery and compliments was the S way of getting you ’hooked’ and I well and truly was!
HIS PAST
He told me he had a bad past, how his Dad was a drug dealer etc, and how his Dad conned him over some deal that went wrong..he mentioned he used to do “drug runs” for his Dad at age 12, and how his brother had been in jail as his Dad had set him up over something to do with guns!!! God, I should have ran a mile but I guess i was already hooked on him by then. I had a bad past myself and I thought “well, people can change”.. I should have known better. He was living with his ex’s grandparents at the time, him and his ex had been split several months. He mentioned a couple of times how he would go round and have sex with her and that he had said to her that he would drop her the minute he found a girlfriend. I wasnt happy with him being at her grandparents so I suggested he move out of there. He moved upstairs at the restaurant he was working at, and then all of a sudden he posts something on facebook ..”Needs a plan—I wondered what this “plan” was. He asked if he could stay with me until he got himself sorted out..turns out the restaurant was closing down. Fool here said Yes, manly because I wanted him with me..how stupid! Things changed from there.
LIES AND MORE LIES
He moved in and I had a feeling something wasn’t right..he would blow hot and cold and become distant. I went through his phone and found texts from a friend inviting him to go to a lapdance show..he had indeed gone out and lied to me about where he went..he also lied about going to a party and instead told me there was a Greek night at the restaurant and that it would be an all nighter..when I confronted him with this he flew into a rage..his first words were “for F**** sake!!”..and then promptly calmed down and started apologising etc, saying hes sorry hes let me down..etc etc..Anyway, by Christmas he was suggesting buying “commitment rings”.,.which never materialised..but things were ok until a couple of months later when I caught him texting someone else he met on Facebook ”“ he had discarded her for me..(she was twice my age and old and fat) and when I confronted him with this he starts gaslighting me, saying I was paranoid and that I had better not start contacting people and hassling them, and that I was a control freak etc etc and then he gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the night..the next day i contacted this woman who denied all knowledge of him. I then told him I’d phoned this woman and he was totally cold, despite being caught out. I asked him why he lied and all he said was “because of the obvious”. Although I don’t think anything had gone on,it was the lies and deceit that got me. I had also found pieces of paper in his wallet with details of flats and apartment rental agencies written on..wonder if he had started to secretly plan his ’escape’. He also used to keep mentioning that he wanted to move back to Spain and that he wanted me to move there with him, promised me a future bla bla bla..don’t really think he had any intention.
PUSH COMES TO SHOVE
Push came to shove in April when he walked out on me..half an hour after he walked out, police came to my door wanting to arrest him on suspicion of fraud and money laundering. He had basically done a runner leaving me to mop up and see to the police. I was so blinded by him at the time I never even thought he was capable of doing this, but as the months passed it all came out. It turns out he had been administrating accounts set up by a “boiler room”..a group of conmen posing as a legitimate company in order to defraud unsuspecting investors. He had set all these bank accounts up. No wonder I never met his friends! Not that he had many, and I found this unusual as everyone who met him seemed to like him! We had contact after he skipped the country, at the beginning he was all lovey dovey, wanting me out there etc, and then after 3-4 weeks he suddenly changed, basically not wanting contact, and told me on one occasion that I’m “not brave enough to end it”. After several weeks of this and me fighting back etc he finally cut me off altogether, did not reply to my calls or my texts.
THE MASK COMES OFF
He took his mask off when I saw him in Spain about 3 weeks after he cut me off..he knew when I was going to be there on holiday and according to a friend, he had actually gone to look for me at the place he knew I would be!
Now why cut me off and then go look for me???
I met up with him a couple of days later and I just didnt recognise hm anymore..he was so cold, like a complete stranger..he said we have no future etc, what am I going to do there with no job, bla bla bla, basically not wanting to take any responsibility for me. He also said that he had “always done this” and how “hopeless” he was etc etc, (he had fled the country at 15 to escape the police and also left two girls behind pregnant when he was 15 and 19, both subsequently had abortions) yet he showed no remorse for what he had put me through and didn’t even give me an apology. His friend had told me “oh, he was in love with you when he first came back here, he was very frightened but now no..he just wants easy money”..it turns out he’s drug dealing. What put the nail in the coffin was that he said he wanted to see me again before I returned home, so idiot me, I saw him again 2 days later and he totally ignored me, treated me more like a business associate than his partner. When I returned home I was in pieces and I told the police of his whereabouts, because I wanted justice, for the fact that he had done this and left me to deal with it all and also for his treatment of me the whole way through. He has not had any contact with me for 4 months and I have since discovered he has had someone else after I left Spain..she had become “friends” with his sister on Facebook and it was in my face which added insult to injury. Maybe I did the wrong thing but I texted him to let him know that I knew and that the game was up and that I had found him out ONCE AGAIN..I basically told him exactly what I thought of him, he didn’t reply to me but he dumped her like a hot brick 3 days later..dunno..maybe that was his way of ’punishing’ her??
I had also spoken to his ex who said that they split up because she was sick of him scheming and scheming as to how to make easy money..she said she met him on holiday in Spain and got to know him by texting etc and that he had finally moved to England to live with her. She said he had scammed people before, once for £4000 and that the final straw came when he came up with another idea how to make easy (illegal) money and she had had enough. She said she was law abiding and that people should work for a living and was sick of him putting her and her house at risk. She said he was a “good person” at the bottom of him and that she really hoped he had straightened himself out but obviously he hasnt. The man puts money before everything else, even at the expense of his relationships. All he cares about is money and how much of it he has and it has become apparent that he will go to ANY lengths to get it, regardless of the risk of arrest and his own safety, and the safety of others!
AND NOW..
He is still wanted by the police and I know I have a long way to go before I recover from this creature fully. I have looked into socipathy in great detail since this happened and he meets ALL the criteria. Its alarming and really scary. I have came a long way in the last 6 months. After he left, I got so low that I even thought about ending it all, I felt as if I had been robbed of a future, I basically just ’existed’ for 3 months, don’t know how I made it through some days..only in the last couple of months have I started to feel more like myself. This going on and also finding out my mother has cancer as well. The b****** couldnt even reply and ask how mum was, even though he had spent 6 months going on about how my family were his “family”! I wonder still, how anyone could do this to someone who loved them beyond all compare? Still trying to get my head around it and have spent a lot of time analyzing and going over and over it in my head, I think it’s probably down to not wanting to accept what he really is, but I know I have to in order to move on and get this freak out of my life forever. I think, how can someone promise me the world, go on about having kids, and getting married etc and all the while he was doing this and probably planning his exit, I mean, how can people be so EVIL!!!! I think they should be lined up and shot! But thats only my opinion..at least if that happened, they wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else ever again..at least now I have No Contact, and thats how I plan to keep it..
”just hard to accept that someone could be this way, I mean, he promised me he would never leave, helped with bills and the house and stuff, and, ironically, his favourite two words wwere “TRUST ME—.
At least now I know the red flags and will be able to spot one of these freaks a mile off! Suppose its been a lesson I have needed to learn and will never repeat again..
CHRISTY
CHRISTY, yeah, that, “trust me” is spath-speak for, “f— you.”
Sorry this happened to you, but you sound as if you’re on your way to feeling better, stronger and wiser. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Dear Christy,
Sorry you got s-pathed, but you are at the right place and you are starting a journey of learning and healing. Knowledge=Power
The more you learn about them, and about yourself the more power you have to prevent this ever taking place again.
Look at the actions, WORDS ARE CHEAP, but actions tell the story. His ACTIONS are illegal and immoral, and people don’t change any more than a tiger changes its stripes for spots. The over all nature of the beast!
Keep on reading and learning about the red flags and how to spot them…some of the psychopaths are quite good at disguising their flags as “pink” or “purple” so remember knowledge is power!
Glad you found your way here! God bless.
Hi Kim and Ox Drover,
Thanks for your replies, I’m glad I found this place, at least I know I’m not the only one going through this and that I’m not going MAD!! Mind, I felt like that for a few months after he left..actually, I felt like that for a few months while he was still with me! One of the bloggers here posted that she lived her life in a “panic”..that describes how I felt exactly, while he was with me..just hated that daily feeling of panic, fear and trepidation, I dunno..like..knowing “something bad” was going to happen..was like a constant fear in a sense…like a constant feeling of dread..
Yeah Kim, his favourite words were indeed TRUST ME..I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could fling him!! To be honest, from the beginning, I felt there was something a little “odd” about him..even his choice of music kinda reflected the man he was..he would spend hours listening to 50 Cent, Public Enemy (“Fight the Power” – authority hater or what? haha!!!!!) and Tupac, you know, all the gangsta s**t..think thats how he sees himself..like his life’s dream is to be Scarface…he even kept a crossbow and a bulletproof vest in the house!! He constantly went on about how the UK Government controls what we watch on TV and how the Nanny State and the law rules over all our lives etc etc..he didn’t like it at all..
His Dad had his brother the same way as him, the brother has now been diagnosed schizophrenic (personally, I just think the guy is plain bloody EVIL) and he’s not allowed within 100 feet of the mother’s home..it seems it runs in the family because his dad is a complete nut as well..what kind of man would send their 6 year old boy delivering packets of coke??? I do wonder if sociopathy and narcissism are inherited..I think it may be a combo of both genetics and environment, my ex’s home life was certainly not ‘normal’. My Spath ex always said that Dad wanted him and the brother to carry on the “family business”…”business”? = Drug dealing? Yeah right!
There were some days where he would completely “go into” himself, like, withdraw, but I could see he was thinking, always ticking over…
And he had the “stare” too…he admitted himself that he did that to “dominate” people, to try and “read” people..he did a good job of reading me. When I saw him in Spain he commented that he knew I was angry with him because “he could see it in my eyes”..as if he was going to get tea and sympathy from me, after what he has put me through! Ermm..I DOUBT IT! Still self righteous and not taking responsibility for his actions..thinks he can do what the hell he likes and not have to face the consequences..he even has a tattoo on his wrist saying “BECAUSE I CAN..”!!
Yeah, Ox Drover, talk is indeed CHEAP. The man is a cheap, lying loser, I even told him that hes been nothing and he’ll be nothing all his life. I have a Bachelors Degree, a good job, and for 35, I look in my late twenties, I keep myself well and pride myself on being loving, loyal and honest, the one thing I despise is liars and lies. And he knows that this is my pet hate..he even said “I have never lied to you”..BANG..there goes yet ANOTHER LIE!!
Its really hard to get him out of my head because I still can’t believe how someone can hurt another human being that way. Thanks to this forum, I’m finding out more and more every day and I feel myself becoming stronger, but it hasn’t been an easy road, this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, seriously, I have NEVER felt pain and hurt like this. But at least here, I can try and UNDERSTAND this creature, and understanding is the first step to ACCEPTANCE….
Dear Christy,
It is Inherited to a goodly degree, but there is also some environmental as well.
It takes time to get your head around it, but you will. Knowledge is power, so read and learn–there are great articles here, over 700 of them. Read the articles in the archives, about them, and about healing. You can understand that you are not alone, and that there is a great similarity between them, and there is one between us as well…we mostly need to learn to set boundaries for how we allow people to treat us. I’m learning the “hard way” like most of us here, while healing from the wounds of a psychopath (or in my case more than one).
Learn the Red Flags that they show early on (most of the time) and learn to listen to your gut when it says “ATTENTION: predator in the area”
Knowledge really is our power! That and forgiving ourselves for allowing them to continue jto get away with it. But now we are NC so we can start to heal. Keep on the track to being good to yourself FIRST!!!
Well, I failed miserably with my no contact. He showed up and pulled the crying act. Then he was sent away by one of my friends that happened to be with me that night. She told him she knew everything that he has done and that everything he says is a lie. She told him to leave bc she was tired of watching him do this to me and suck me back in over and over again. Well..he left but as soon as she was gone he started again. He called prob 30 times and I did not answer and then sent all the lovebomb texts including the “suicide” threat that works on me everytime. I didn’t fall for his lovebombs even though I wanted to believe him and I kept telling him that I knew he was lying and that I don’t trust him but that I didn’t want him to do something to himself. I never exactly said I would give him another chance to prove himself but I never exactly said that I wouldn’t either. Now after another round of this..and me not falling for it…I think he has finally gotten fed up because yesterday I got the text where he recapped what his intentions were this time for us but that obviously that wasn’t enough or good enough for me. He also told me the things that I had done wrong as well. (haha..the only thing he could say I did wrong was tell people about what he had done to me.) He said he really wanted to try this time and get back what we had in the beginning but that he guessed that no matter what he did that he would get this end result from me. He said all he wanted to do was spend time with me and that would prove that everything he was telling me this time was true. Then he told me good luck and to take care of myself and said that he hopes I can find what we had in the beginning with someone else. He hopes that I am happy with my decision and that he hopes that I believe that my friends or whoever gave me the right advice bc it won’t be them that I am having a relationship with or going to be going home with or living with. pppfffffff. My reply was…everything that happened stemmed from you lying and being unfaithful. and that is the last thing I said to him. So I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. Maybe he is done now. I couldn’t help myself but to look on facebook..he just re-added the girl that he cheated on me with for a good year and took down his “single” status and now has no status posted at all. He has probably been staying with her the whole time…probably told her that he was going to the gym or something the night he actually showed up at my place. I hope he leaves me alone now but if he doesn’t I will have to try hard to ignore him. I just always want to get in my last dig so that he knows that I am on to him…ugghh… I know it doesn’t matter to him but I hate for him to sit there and laugh thinking he got one over on me. I am still a bit weak sometimes but not nearly as weak as I used to be. This still hurts pretty bad but at least I understand what I am dealing with now.
Dear Pieces,
Darling you CAN HELP yourself, you are the ONLY ONE WHO CAN. Your friend being there to send him away doesn’t really protect you from him, ONLY YOU, CAN SAVE YOU.
If he continues to text/call contact you, and you READ it or LISTEN then YOU are breaking the No Contact. BLOCK his access to your e mail, phone and text.
It isn’t “done” until YOU ARE DONE and set firm boundaries. He will continue to try to get through your defenses.
YOU CAN MAKE THEM STRONG. You can BE STRONG! He CHEATED on you, so HE TOLD YOU WHAT HE IS, SO BELIEVE HIM. HE IS A CHEAT. He told you with his ACTIONS. So why should you listen to his LYING WORDS?
Stay strong girl! You can do it!!!! (((hugs))))
‘
uggghh…Even though I put him off…why is there still a part of me that wants him after everything he has done to me?!??!? I hate this. 🙁 I don’t even understand myself.
Kay… what a laugh!!! i love it. Loser in aluminum foil!!!!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL How appropriate condisering my ex spath’s last name is the same as an aluminum foil manufacturer!!! Begins with “R”! The best laugh I have had in 2 years!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL
Bless you!