Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
😀
Oxy,
I have known you for a long while now. It’s irrelevant that I have never met you in person. You are consistently kind, caring, wise and compassionate. Always, even when you incorrectly believe you are not.
So, your statement of applying the same standards of honest and respectful treatment to others and from yourself is a given. You cannot be anything but honest and good. It is your inherent nature. It’s like saying the sky is blue or water is wet.
You’re awesome. There, I said it…haha.
🙂
JaneSmith 🙂 🙂 🙂 you make me smile 🙂 🙂 🙂
Dear Janie,
Thank you sweetie. I think I have been more dishonest WITH myself, and treated myself more poorly than I ever treated anyone else. I think that is almost a “given” with many “victims” of the psychopaths. We (as a group) I think do not treat ourselves well, or insist that others treat us well…
I think the majority of us do treat others well, we expect that others will reciprocate that treatment, but when it doesn’t happen, then we think, “well, there must be something I can do to show X that I love them, I will treat them BETTER and then they will treat me better” and so it goes on in a circle like a hamster on a wheel…the FASTER it goes, the faster it goes NOWHERE.
To me, getting to where I realized that not everyone thinks like I do and that I cannot control the thinking or behaviors of others no matter how “nice” I am to them was the turning point.
I had to be “nice” to myself before I could truly live a healthy life. I realized that though others had been “NOT nice” to me, the person who had been the “MOST NOT NICE” to me was ME! There wasn’t any way to change how they treated me, but I could change how I treated MYSELF. First, by no longer allowing them to treat me poorly (No Contact) and by treating myself well.
The last part has been the most difficult because I had quite a few ways in which I was or had been treating myself poorly. Tackling them one or two at a time (first stopping my own emotional abuse of myself) then my physical abuse of myself (I’m just now really getting to that point with the changes in life style, smoking cessation, etc).
It’s a step wise approach I think because when we step up one step, it makes it easier to go up to the next level. Until we start to be emotionally stable how can we truly even know what we need to do to be good, really good, and protective of ourselves.
In my case, there was so much to learn and put into ACTION, from learning to set boundaries, to feel authentic in my own skin, and now to start to take better care of my health in a PRO-ACTIVE way, not just in treating the acute illnesses that came on me as a result of the stress, but the cumulative stress responses from high stress levels for years upon years.
Life is a growth process and a journey, but the road seems to be smoother, and less hazardous as I get further on the healing stretch…there will always be challenges in life, and there should be, but I know I need to quit digging when I find myself in a hole and stop manufacturing the problems in my life by the way I think or the choices I make. I have found it simplifies my life when I quit being unkind to myself or allowing others to be unkind to me.
Gosh, Janie, you just don’t know how uplifting it is to have you back here, I do hope you will hang around for a while. ((hugs))))
Henry, darlink, we almost posted over each other, I was just coming to hunt you up on the threads. If you don’t get out of your pity party and RAT NAWH!!!! I am gonna get the BIG cast iron skillet after you bro!!! You ain’t near as old as I am or as decrepit and your arse ain’t near as wide so you quit whinin’ immediately! My skillet is getting rusty since I been on this darned starvation plan for gettin skinny and sexy so don’t give me an excuse to polish it on yore haid!
I’ll make you SEE STARS so you won’t be blind any more! The starz will light up the skies! Janie may be nice to you, but I skeer you so she and I will play good cop/bad cop with you! ((((Hugs)))
Seriously, Henry, I know you were taking some antidepressant medication a while back. Did you stop this? I really do think you sound clinically depressed and I think that maybe you need to go get another evaluation by a mental health professional. Depression is not a Shame of any kind, it is a chemical imbalance just like diabetes is and there is medication and treatment for it, just like there is diabetes.
I have a friend who has multiple sclerosis and there is good medication for it to slow down the progression of mental and physical disability and he REFUSES to take the medication because it is an injection every day (a relatively painless one) and instead he drinks himself to oblivion every night. I hate to see him do that to himself, but he is over 21 and can make his own decisions. “Taking a pill” or a “shot” every day for the rrest of your life is no big deal if it makes life worth living.
I just after 6 years recently changed antidepressant medications and the new medication (not a generic like i was taking) has made a BIG improvement in my moods, my sleeping and how I feel physically and emotionally and mentally. It was a SMALL thing but the medication I was on was a 2 x a day med (generic) instead of the long acting and it was keeping me awake at night because I took a night time dose. Now I take a 1 X a day dose at 6:30 in the morning (When the dog’s bladder goes off like an alarm!) and if I want to I go back to bed for an hour, but now I am not having any problem going to sleep at night.
So sometimes your medication may need to be tweeked, but you know it makes my life MUCH BETTER!!! Just think about it! (((Hugs))))
The more and more I read the more and more I am convinced that I was dealing with a sociopath. The string alongs, the half hearted words, the I’ll change, the leaving things open is all to familiar. I gave up so many potentially good men for this man because he made me feel good in the begginning. ut what it comes down to is Im begginning to realize I was in love with a feeling not the actual person. I guess I never really believe these types of people where actually out there. I thought they were like characters on TV. I thought I could spot someone that had mental issues so I surrounded myself with only good people. I still wonder whats real and whats not. I wonder if he ever did truly care. Sometimes I feel raped. Not raped sexually but rape of my self confidence and esteem. I no longer wish to dte after this experienc because now I feel like I cant even trust my own judgement on people.
Ox,
I just read your above post here, granted it was in November of last year, but I”m curious as to what antidepressant you were taking and what you switched too?
I’m going to my doc here shortly. I was on prozac a few years ago and I felt a lot better emotionally, but the physical nausea was so overwhelming, I stopped taking it.
Any ideas?
LL
JUSTME,
If this is a relatively new discovery for you and your putting the pieces together now, it WOULD feel that way. EVERYTHING that you’ve just described is what all of us here have felt in the beginning. I’m newly out of my relationshit too now and it’s STILL trying to sink in. I’m seeing a therapist to help sort out this and other traumas I’ve had before. But this IS a traumatic experience for all of us and now you are no exception. BELIEVE me when I say that they are SO GOOD at sucking us in in the beginning…but really, ask yourself, you SAW the flags….and they just got bigger redder and were flapping more in the wind in front of you face that you could no longer ignore it right? All the weird behaviors and the abuse. If you wish to share that in detail you are welcome to here and I assure you it’s completely safe and one of the good ways to process your experience with him and then look inward. If you’re a psych major, this may just be the biggest blessing and life changing experience you will ever have as far as your future work!
AGAIN, what you are feeling is a normal response to an ABNORMAL person. Another thing I’m learning is not to try to make sense of NONSENSE< which also has been super uper hard.
Just keep reading and posting. There is usually someone here to talk with.
LL
Justme,
I know what you mean about characters on TV. That’s what I thought too. specifically, the Bundys on “Marrried with Children”! It’s because they are so shallow and two-dimensional. You wonder, “who thinks like that?” The sociopath does. It’s almost like they are caricatures because, there is nothing under the surface. Normal people have deep inner lives with thoughts and feelings that drive us to connect with one another. These creatures, know that, but they don’t have it. So they just put on their mask each morning and go out to see who they can hunt down that day.
Justme,
I just read your first post on another thread.
So sorry you have encountered the evil one.
For what it’s worth, you will suffer pain and you will be changed. You will miss who you used to be, but you will love your new knowledge and awareness. The more you read and learn the less you will hurt. I think this is because it takes time for knowledge to become internalized. D’you know what I mean? We learn and then we know, but we take longer to FEEL the truth. That is why I immerse myself in understanding the sociopaths.
The best part is that as you learn about them, you learn even more about yourself. You begin to see who you really are and how you are being perceived by others. You learn your strengths and weaknesses. You might also find out more about things you never understood before.
One thing I learned is that I had been emotionally abused as a child, but never realized it. I also learned that my sister and brother are sociopaths. These are good things to know.
I had a friend who died and I never understood how this smart beautiful woman with so much to live for, could walk out into a snow storm and lie down and freeze to death. When I understood sociopaths, I understood that my friend had been under attack by her socio-BF, for years and it finally killed her.
Revelations will come in waves….that’s why you will not be who you used to be.