Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
that was good sky – but they are empty inside and fake loving us – that is how they survive – I dont think they are as calculated as much as they are scared of themselves and being exposed
Thanks Purewater,
the truth resonates.
Hens,
I’ve recently been studying a bit further into people who don’t feel empathy – including the autism spectrum people.
It has become very clear to me that these people really do “analyze” us. All of them do this. They can’t feel what we feel and they KNOW it. So they become extremely rational and analytical. It’s very similar to what I do with them.
You are soooo right that fear is a huge component. First, they become anesthesized to their own emotions because of fear. Something about them made them unable to deal with emotions, so they cut them off. Secondly, if you read any posts by spaths, you will see that they are VERY frightened about being unmasked. They are afraid that they will eventually go to jail for the evil that they are. They feel that this is very unfair, since they are just behaving according to their nature. Of course their nature is to not accept responsibility for their behavior, so we have a paradox….
sickos.
It’s such an easy solution for them: STOP being so obsessed with yourself and for once in your life try to imagine being someone else.
idiots.
can you tell I’m mad tonight?
Henry, where you posted and said quoted Lovelost and said:
“and I am desperate to be in his arm’s’ just takes me back to feeling that way, it was such a struggle to go no contact with someone I thot I loved that desperately, she has a long way to go, a lot to learn. I feel for you lovelost ”“ describing such a dismal relationship and at the same time being desperate to be in his arms”please don’t think I am being flippant ”“ I do understand how you feel, but more importantly I understand why you feel that way, this is where the life lesson comes in and in time you will realize this lesson has more to do with you, than him. You can do better.”
that is one of THE MOST POWERFUL POSTS on LoveFraud….you cut to the core of the problem, Hens, “this lesson has more to do with you than him.”
Don’t you ever doubt, Hens, how valuable your posts are here at LoveFraud! (((hugs)))
Oxy
You are right about Hens genius insights and remarks.
I believe my husband was pretty much fearless of things BUT I do know he seemed pretty nervous that someone could discover his secrets which is why he had to get rid of me and discredit me to everyone.
He was, as Hens said, “scared of being exposed”.
Simple statements. Genius insight, Hens.
Katy, I think that “scared of being exposed” is why they do the SMEAR CAMPAIGN against us, sometimes before they discard us they will start with the “talking behind the back” and is can be so devastating to be devalued that way. I think the painful way that my egg donor looked at me with contempt, and the things she said to people in the extended family and community….those things were to discredit me so that HER MASK wouldn’t slip and SHE be exposed. She lives in UNHOLY fear of being exposed for what she is, even my P sperm donor didn’t want several people who had the “goods on him” to be believed, me among them….and he smeared us especially harshly. The people who mattered to me though, never believed a word he said, and the others don’t matter at all…took me a long time to come to that conclusion though. We can VALIDATE OURSELVES, and to heck with what others think. That’s the take home lesson for me.
Katy
here’s a song for you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GYlgOGy0xk
Alone…listless…breakfast table in an otherwise empty room
Young girl…violence…center of her own attention
The mother reads aloud, child tries to understand it
Tries to make her proud
The shades go down, it’s in her head
Painted room…can’t deny there’s something wrong…
Don’t call me daughter not fit to
The picture kept will remind me
Don’t call me daughter not fit to
The picture kept will remind me
Don’t call me…
She holds the hand that holds her down
She will…rise above
Don’t call me daughter, not fit to
The picture kept will remind me
Don’t call me daughter, not fit to be
The picture kept will remind me
Don’t call me…
The shades go down
The shades go, go, go…
Skylar
I dream in song a lot. I bet I dream of that tonight. I am too emotional and it will come out in my consciousness. “she holds the hand that holds her down”… that is what happened my last night in my mothers house. after she beat me, she took a break and then came back to continue, and i reached up and grabbed her wrist and told her that she was done and would never beat me again.
may be why i am so furious that an adult thinks themselves entitled to lay hands on another human being… when if it was done to them, THEY’d call it what it is. ASSAULT.
“You just have to know when to get off the ride…..”
Isn’t THAT the truth? You have to KNOW when to get off that ride before it decimates you as a person. It’s noticeable; the time to get out…don’t be so blind that you don’t pay attention…like I did.
I didn’t want to accept what I was seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling and experiencing – if I had stayed on that ride one more moment longer, I would not be here writing this to you, right now.
BE THE FIRST TO FORSAKE THEM and then they will KNOW you MEAN IT. YOU be the one to make them leave. They can’t stand that you know: when you find out about them and tell them it’s over.
I just came through a 3 week long STALKING by phone, email, text…not one word have I uttered to it. Not one, in six months. Soon to be 7 months and then 8 months, 9, 10, 11, a year! It isn’t easy ‘letting go’ but trust me: it is so necessary.
KatyDid: I used to be beaten as a small child and thrown into a dark cellar where I was left alone for hours at a time. I used to huddle and cower in the corner, just crying and crying – every so often, she *Gram* would come down and beat me and throw me around by my long hair, she used to keep so immaculate…she would come down the stairs and beat me some more…telling me to shut up and that I better not have any marks on me when *Gramps* got home….then the darkness would come again, when she slammed that cellar door.
Just before *Gramps* would come home, she would tell me to come out of the cellar and to go wash my face, she would put ice on whatever bruises or bangs I had and tell *Gramps* I had fallen and I had better NOT say a peep or it would be worse the next night.
I did the same thing to *Gram*: at the age of 14, when I became older and stronger and wiser, she was beating me, telling me what a horrid person I was, “Just like your Mother!” Pulling my long hair, trying to sling me around the room, as she did when I was smaller and I grabbed her hands, pushed her down, sitting in a chair, sat on her and said: “This is enough. You are never going to beat me and lock me in the cellar anymore.”
I left and I only went back to help my half brother make arrangements to bury the witch. She was not a well person and looking back on all that now, I can see what a horrid person she truly was. She was probably the ‘matriarch’ for all of the dysfunction that existed in our family.
I can relate KatyDid…completely. xxoo
Dupey
The most difficult part of all this, we are overlooking in our sorrow: NOT ALLOWING THE ABUSE TO PERPETUATE ITSELF IN US.
THAT is the most important. More important than any pain or sorrow we might feel. It would be so easy to fall into that cycle of abuse: the hardest part is forsaking it and turning it around and making something “GOOD” from it, instead of what spaths do:
manipulate that bad to make it worse. We all have choices in this lifetime: the spath, abusive parents, etc. – the hardest part is NOT the ‘letting go’ of the relationship but not letting that tainted relationship destroy what is left of our lives.
Dupey
hehehehe
Um, I would like to order some of dose pease…
and thang you. 🙂 =====> HENS!
I am doing okay. After the ‘spath intrusion’ which lasted approximately 3 weeks. It has finally gotten quiet again and I can breathe. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Thanks for being here, hens….
You always put a smile on my face. xxoo
Thangs.
Dupey