Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
The whole movie is dark. It is depressing because of the subject matter.. We watch a man who at one time pretty much had it all … fall flat on his face because of his inability to control his impulses, his fear of aging and his fear of death.
It was a study of human behavior..
Go see it.. it’s worth it.. the acting is good…
http://www.womenexplode.com
There are a bunch of discussions about various psychopaths in movies and literature on here….”drama” if it is “exciting” or even depressing I htink has to have a psychopathic characater involved in it. Most stories of “good vs eviL’ even if the good guy wins, have a P-like characater in them. Look at myths and fairy stories and even history and the Bible have the “traditional” theme of the P-like bad guy against the true hearted good guy.
LOL!!! I think I will find it uplifting! Because he sounds like a N at least, so I’m glad to see one fall on his face. I think it will strike me more as a study of a narc’s behavior.
And I used to be such a sweet, loving person!
Thanks so much for answering my questions, I appreciate it.
I missed a big red flag with mine. He was the surgeon. I was the ICU nurse. When I first came to his hospital, he immediately was all about trying to talk to me. He was falling all over himself trying to talk to me and showering me with compliments-immediately telling me how wonderful I was. The job started out as a temp job and he immediately went to the head nurse and started telling her how I was the best nurse he ever saw. I was SO amazing and smart and she just had to do whatever she could to keep me there permanently.
Everyone was shocked by it, because the other nurses couldn’t stand him and thought he was an arrogant bastard who belittled them and put them down. He showed an entirely different form of behavior with ME. He was this great guy. The head nurse actually approached me and said-wow-this man has got it SO bad for you. He has some MAJOR crushing going on! You better be careful! If you see a short red head coming after you, it’s his wife, so you better run! She was laughing when she said it. This was WAY before the relationship turned romantic and at that point, I was interested in him at all. It turned into this big joke with everyone calling him my “boyfriend”. Little did they all know that it was predicting what was soon to happen! RED FLAG: if I guy is immediately coming on with the flattery, and everyone can’t stand him, RUN-VERY FAST!!!!!
Anytime anyone starts with the “love bombing” RUN!!!! They are after something.
Oxy, if the courts slap Blagojevich on the wrist it will prove they have never read the Old testament or the Torah. The Old Testament is the Torah which are the Books written on the Law.
Anyone who hates the Torah or the Old Testament have no clue that they are really saying the detest the law.
For judges and lawyers NOT to know this today proves they did not do their homework and just shot up through the ranks by unsavory motives/actions to get where they are today.
Blogo should do at least 20 years because he was one of many corrupt politicians that are destroying our country today.
Shame, shame, shame on folks like Blogo.
I was not “love bombed.” It was more like “text-bombing.” In retrospect, there seemed to be an availability pattern. Initially, I was lukewarm to Jamie. Then he worked his charm. When I became available to him, I first got pushback, then increased interest from him…
Regarding “it was all about him,” among the many major red flags, there were three subtle “me” ones, all regarding persons he had dated. The most recent I remember being about six months or so before me. Why the break-up? “He did not have time for me.” The second was regarding somebody he had dated “way back” who was now the partner of his best friend. While that alone is a red flag, Jamie was also not on speaking terms with this guy for reasons he never explained. The third was regarding a short-term, long distance relationship.
Three people and Jamie did not say a single nice thing about any of them.
Conversely, if somebody met me today and asked about the people I dated in the last few years, I would be nothing but complementary, or at least emotionally honest:
I would say Charles is a person for whom I have the greatest respect and admiration, but when I met him I had already decided that Montreal was not for me. I also had a major health issue to attend and needed to be back in the USA.
I would say Nicolay is the finest guy I ever met. I tried to figure a way to make it work but there were too many barriers, with Nicolay living in St. Petersburg, Russia.
Regarding both of them, I would add that I deeply, deeply regret at perhaps hurting them. I know I hurt Nicolay and suspect I did the same to Charlie.
There was Alex, who I actually thought I loved. He hurt me when he fell for somebody else, but I am very happy for him and wish him the best.
Even regarding Jamie, I would simply say I met somebody I liked very, very much who has many, many issues. I would not call him a sociopath and still hope he finds peace.
Erin1972,
Your post about how you met the spath was similar to mine. I didn’t have the clues if other people liked or hated him because he was new to my job.
He went into business with a friend and it failed so h-spath had to find a job. He was hired at the company I worked for to come in and fire various employees who weren’t performing. He had worked at this company before and the person who hired him back wanted spath to be the enforcer. He persued me really hard and seemed so sweet, I didn’t know how he could be hired just to fire people at my work. He was also very smart and could manage people really well. He could get them to do things for him and kept them in his inner circle.
He went to a party that I was going to, just to meet me. I thought I was so lucky because he was handsome, smart, independent, mysteriously alluring and he persued me so hard. I paid no attention to the red flags. He was really angry with me, at a company picnic, because I was bad at volleyball in front of his old girlfriend. He was sooo peaved. What was that all about? His image means so much to him.
I was insecure and I believe he played on that. He snared me in his web and I continued to believe “How did I deserve him?”, “He’s so wonderful!”. Boy, I was so naive.
I don’t know if I would have paid attention if people at work didn’t like him. I was under a spell. Looking back, I made some bad relationship decisions. The nice guys I dated weren’t as interesting as the mysterious ones. Should of stuck with the nice guys!!!! What was I thinking?
The men who play the victim card are either seriously immature or disordered. Stay away! Mine was never at fault. He thinks everyone loved him at work and covets his reputation. He has the uncanny ability to read people and can manipulate them like I’ve never seen before while still portraying a likeable, sensitive person.
Hopeforjoy-he sounds like the piece of shit that I was talking about. Mine really thought that he was this well liked guy and if he knew someone didn’t like him, they were just stupid and he had no use for them. Everything was all about his image. He is an emotional predator. Some of the gals I used to work with there told me that several days ago, that they felt he preyed on me. He lovebombed me and hit all my vulnerabilities but in the end, it was all about his image. He portrayed himself to be exactly the opposite-like this wanna be blue collar guy who was a doctor but all that stuff didn’t matter to him.
What kind of freak encourages a woman to follow her dream to be a police officer and take a huge paycut for it, then he decides that I wasn’t good enough-the homely wife who he “didn’t have anything in common with” and “no chemistry” was the one he had to have back, because she has a master’s degree already and is better for his image! So he discards me just before my police academy class starts and leaves me alone in an apartment that I can’t afford on my new salary and unable to live on it independently. Needless to say, I had to drop from class!
He thought he was too good for me but NEWSFLASH: HE DOESN’T DESERVE ME!!!!!!!! Let him be just where he is. My girls said it last week–KARMA WILL BITE HIM IN THE ASS ONE DAY!!!! Too bad, so said cuz it’s none of my concern-although I will get a good laugh off of it when it happens!!!!!
I’m going on with my life and I’m learning to like myself again-slowly and that hasn’t happened since I was 10 years old!! BTW, he did play the victim too-very very well!!
behindblue eyes-mine was a texter with his lovebombing too. We were texting constantly throughout the day. If I started to interfere with his work, he would get upset, but it was OK for him to keep distracting me from mine. Apparently caring for one of his critical trauma patients in the ICU at the bedside, wasn’t as important as him performing the actual procedure. I got news for ya buddy, you did the surgery and I have to spend the rest of the shift keeping him alive!!
He even would fight with me by text message instead of in person. The only fight we had face to face was the screaming match we had when he discarded me and was moving out of my place!! He would say something on the phone when he was really close to his house, so we couldn’t fight by phone cuz the wife would hear. He would cut me off, telling me he was home and couldn’t talk. I would give him enough time to get inside and then text him saying-“if you don’t find a way to talk this out with me IMMEDIATELY, it’s over. I don’t want to see you again”! 5 or 10 minutes later, he would call me crying, saying that he managed to get out to go to the store or something and begging me not to break up with him. He was always able to talk me out of it. We had promised from the beginning to never go to bed angry with each other-even if weren’t physically together. I couldn’t believe that he would say something to hurt me, practically hang up on me to keep her from getting suspicious and expect that texting me later would solve it! It’s FREAKIN AMAZING WHAT WE WILL FALL FOR with these creeps. When I think back on it, I feel like a huge idiot. I have to put it out of my mind and focus on something else. I won’t torture myself with the guilt and feeling stupid anymore!!!!!!