Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Thank you to all who responded to my posts about the “evil” in my life.
My sister was visiting from another state for a week to help me with my mother. I confided to her what I had recorded and she would not defend me, but assured me that she would never judge me and would be my friend. I think she had a hard time believing that “evil” could actually ever carry out anything. She is the kind of person that wants to believe that love will conquer all. She herself has been married to someone who treats her like crap and she has resigned herself to be his faithful servant because that is what she is convinced God’s word tells us to do. I love my sister dearly, however, the obvious abuse (emotional) and neglect from her husband has her mind pretty twisted around.
The day before she left, I told her that I had made the decision to divorce “evil”. Get myself out of harms way and that I hoped that she would remain my friend and not reject me. She agreed.
Dear BibleAnnie,
I think your sister is frightened of the concept that “love does NOT conqueor all” and that she has CHOICES about allowing her husband to abuse her. Many people make excuses to justify staying because they are afraid to leave or to be on their own.
YOU have made a choice, and I think a sane and good choice, to not allow anyone to abuse you, and especially NOT in God’s name.
I hope your sister can be supportive of you, but even if she is NOT, you can remain strong. The thing is we don’t have to have others agree with our decisions, and even if they tell us that our decisions are wrong, we can VALIDATE OUR OWN CHOICES AND OUR OWN REALITY. I didn’t know that for way too long. I did find out though that MY feelings and MY thoughts about what is right for ME are OK for ME to make!
Thank you Kay. Once again it seems like we’re all talking about the same guy here. My S did the same thing while courting me. He controlled my every move. I too felt that it was all out of love and took comfort, and was flattered.
I felt like there were no other two people in the world that had a love like ours. It was like a fairy tale romance. The sex was amazing. We would lock ourselves up in his house (or mine) and stay in bed for days only to get up and make food, take showers, and take out the garbage. It was magical.
My S’s ex-wife left him as well. He was the victim, and of course here I was thinking I was going to heal him. I was going to show him what “real” love was like and make him see what like could be like when you’re loved, cherished and adored.
I treated him like a king. Gave him everything I could, and loved him more than life itself. It didn’t take long before he made sure all my friends were cut off. They weren’t even allowed to call MY house. He wanted me all to himself and didn’t want anyone giving me their opinion of him.
He broke every promise he ever made to me. He lied constantly about everything then tried to make me out to be the crazy one because I called him on his lies. He had an excuse or story for every lie. He bugged me constantly about getting married. Finally when I agreed to marry him, he got cold feet. He would make excuses as to why we should wait.
He would tell me to wait until October, then when October came and went, he had more excuses, or would just not bring it up and hoped I would forget about it. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I broke up with him the morning of May 18th 2006. That night his 17 year old daughter was killed in a car accident.
That was the beginning of the end for me. He came looking for me that night drunk and caused a big scene at my house. I wasn’t home, but got a call from my son saying he broke down the door of my house. As soon as I found out I went straight to his house. How could I not? I felt that I had to be there for him.
As soon as I got there he told me how much he loved me, how sorry he was for taking me for granted, and how he didn’t want to lose me. He begged me to marry him and swore he would spend the rest of his life doing whatever it took to make me happy and to make up for everything he had done to me. I believed him.
I thought that if anything was to change a person, it would be the death of his daughter. This was the life altering event that would make him open his eyes. WRONG!!! He was a gem for a few days. I did everything to help him through it all. I was there with him helping with funeral arrangement, I was out shopping for his clothes to wear to the funeral, and didn’t leave his side.
Come to find out he was out screwing some skank when I went home to check on my son. He blamed it on me. It was all my fault for not being there for him when he needed me. WHAT? Everything I did was for him. So because I left for a couple of hours to check on my son you screwed some whore?
Anyway, I only found this out after the funeral. He said “we weren’t married, and you weren’t there when I needed you”. I beat the shit out of him and hated his guts for doing this to me. He begged for my forgiveness. I eventually forgave him and married him. He cheated again not even a month after we got married, but he never admitted to it. Once again I was crazy.
That’s when the real abuse started. He would play the nastiest head games. He tore me down to the point that I wanted to kill myself. Literally. I was a basket case. I began checking everything. Cell phone records, underwear, dig through his car when he was asleep. It was a nightmare. I was crazy. I didn’t sleep, eat, or even leave the house.
I did everything to try to make him love me, or make him see what he had in me. I became “Super Wife”. The house was spotless, dinner on the table when he walked in the door. If he wanted a burger at 2am, I was up making him one. I served him his meals on a tray in bed, made sure his clothes were folded and ready for him on the bed, made his lunch, and coffee every morning, and gave him sex every single day no matter what.
It was sickening and I became the butt of the joke with him and his friends at work. He mistook my love and kindness for weakness. But I was weak. I didn’t have the balls to stand up for myself and get out. I didn’t want to lose him so I allowed him to use and abuse me.
I lost myself, my dignity, and my self-esteem. He would scream in my face and call me horrible names, threaten me, and belittle me every chance he got. Somehow that made him feel powerful and big. He would laugh at me if I cried. I was always trying to defend myself. And for what?
If I told him I loved him and begged him to him to stop fighting, he would look me straight in the eyes and say “FUCK YOU!”. It was all a game to him. He loved seeing me in pain. He would tell me I should just kill myself because I wasn’t worth even being on this earth. I wasn’t good for anything. I was just a waste of space.
It’s been 8 years total with him now. Somehow I’ve gotten better. I’m still here, but much stronger now. I don’t do all the things I use to do. Maybe I just became numb and complacent, but the tables are turning now. I’ve gained some of my power back and it feels good. I’m planning on leaving him, but not before I cause some serious damage.
I take full responsibility for this. I chose to stay instead of leaving when I knew what he was about. But that’s what love does sometimes. It can make you crazy. I’ve been to crazy and back. It sucks and I hate myself for ever letting this happen, but I have to press on and pull myself out of this.
I’m grateful for this web site, for all of you who have shared your stories, and for the strength I have gained over the past 6 months. I believe I will come out of this a better person in the end. I’m taking back MY life, my power, and my dignity.
I’m so very glad you’re happy now Kay. Thank God you’re out of it now. I look forward to being the one saying this about myself one day soon.
Kay and others! Haven’t posted in a while but always read everyones insight and experiences–I want to say to Kay, I could identify in your story on so many levels as I am sure most of us who are healing did. My ex did exactly what you said, found out what I liked, wanted and did not give it to me.
So, caring, concerned about me at first and it slowly dwindled to not talking to me or texting me. I now realize he did me a favor and hurried the end of what was a fake relationship even more. Later I found out, he had returned with his ex girlfriend and although it hurt at first, I thought, let her have him, there is basically nothing to have, like you said these people are not people, no personality, no heart. It has been a year and I am so much better without him, my life is quietly normal and I LOVE it! Gone are the rollercoaster emotions, doubts and pain that he inflicted on me. Congratulations on getting out soon and living your life as God meant it to be!
take care and much success to you as well as others who are on different levels of healing but on the same path.
Dear Bailey,
Sounds like you are taking back your POWER, so hang in there and do what is best for you! God bless!
I watched a bit of that Bachelor show with that fellow, Jake, on it.. did anyone see it? He appears like a total narcissist.
The whole interaction was immature and pretty disgusting. Even the premise disgusts me.. going on TV to try and find love.. they mostly alll fall apart after the show is over. As the show isn’t real .. it’s acting.. just like the socio does in ‘real’ life. It’s like our current society is promoting ‘acting’ through life instead of being real.
http://www.womenexplode.com
Hi Style1:
I saw “The Bachelor” interview with Jake and Vienna last night.
I thought Jake looked narcissistic, and Vienna had a nervous breakdown right there in front of the TV audience. 🙂
They both looked dysfunctional to me.
These 2 do NOT belong together.
re: kay777 says:
BibleAnnie ”“ This statement is EXACTLY what he would do: He announced ahead of time and the act itself was so devoid of any emotions, just all about how great he was and he never, ever liked laying in bed after the act to cuddle, always he would jump up, get dressed and push me to get up with him. Having sex with him averaged maybe 2 times a month in the very beginning, now it’s down to every six months.
It was something preplanned. And he would jump up out of bed, get dressed, rip the sheets off the bed and stand there like “its over” kind of feeling. They think the act in itself is perverse, because they are, there is NO EMOTIONAL FEELING associated with this act for them. That is what shocks us most.
I think they go to school to learn this” It is another way of making you feel bad about yourself. They treat you like “trash” so you can start to feel bad about yourself. GET OUT!
Kay777
Incredible… just substitute “she” for “he” and you’re describing my experience with who I describe as a CADAVER in bed. I was beginning to think it was unique. Apparently not. Described to a tee. As long as she got the part she wanted, everything else was “this is what I dislike doing the most” or “don’t touch me” Never had normal sex. She was physically closed off for that. Anyone watch Hitchcock’s “Marnie” lately??? Eerily similar, right down to the Mother/thief/horse fantasies. She almost killed her own Mother. Got a 3.5 year Felony Conviction of Elder Abuse.
Now the voicemails are starting again, after months of NC. Sickengly sweet super rehearsed recitals, and even “I Love You” …does she think that anyone normal would believe this I Love You garbage after months of NC???
Good to know that others have gone through very similar situations.
FBN
FlatBrokeNow – It is amazing how this site shows you how you are not alone. We have all experienced very similar experiences with different people. It seems they all operate under the same pretense. To con and deceive. All in an effort to obtain whatever end they want. Sex is horrible. It is kind of a like a “rape” of sorts. They get what they want, we give it to them because we HOPE that it will be good this time and it ends up being some disgusting act of self gratification (for them). They are broken people, SCARY people. Very scary.
I remember sitting with him in a car and his face would completely change from one moment to the next. Its like if he was possessed by something or someone. His alter ego.
Bailey G!!!
He said this exact thing to me: As soon as I got there he told me how much he loved me, how sorry he was for taking me for granted, and how he didn’t want to lose me. He begged me to marry him and swore he would spend the rest of his life doing whatever it took to make me happy and to make up for everything he had done to me. I believed him. ….
I am starting to believe they read movie scripts.
WHAT YOU HAVE FOR HIM IS NOT LOVE. That is not what love is. Love is a healthy interaction between 2 people that function normally in a relationship. This is not happening here! You said you want to get out but not before you cause some SERIOUS damage. You don’t need to do that. You need to get out. This is not who is stronger than the other. Your story is much like mine. Only difference is I would have NEVER married this man. NEVER.
You need to exit that relationship and start healing BaileyG